Sing For Me

Down in the dumps

I feel like a beach whale I swear this baby grows just by me swallowing fresh air, Ben still insists to me that I look beautiful and yes I get moments when I look in the mirror and marvel at how I look, but I think I'm having one of those days today, everything is either winding me up or making me cry, proper down in the dumps and I didn't even have work to keep me occupied it being my day off, the house was empty Riley and Ellie at school and nursery, Dad and Gran had gone off to do food shopping so I was on my own.

My hormones were crazy today I'd been really snappy with Ben before he left, a real cow I'd picked a fight because he'd left his clothes from last night on the floor in the bedroom so I shouted at him, I don't even know why, he didn't shout back he never does he will never have a fight with me not unless I really push him and even then its to tell me that there's no need to shout. Why did he put up with me and why when I was being such a bitch. I decide to text him when I know hes on his break

I'm Sorry x

I text him to which he replies to within seconds

Don't be darling its OK x

why cant he just tell me off, tell me to stop being a grumpy cow

Why do you put up with me? x

I ask him

Why do you think? x

He asks me but I need him to tell me

Right now I don't know, when I'm so mean to you x

I tell him, wanting him to tell me that I am

Because I love you, you silly girl, because you are carrying my baby and your crazy baby hormones are messing with that little head of yours.

Phone Rings

"Hello" I say I must still sound fed up

"Hey my grumpy darling" he says

"Hey" I say

"You're still not happy" he says to me

"No i'm OK" I tell him but as always he is not convinced

"Come on darling tell me whats wrong" he cant even see me and he can still read me better than any book he has ever picked up

"I'm just having one of those days that's all, I'm sorry I shouted at you this morning sweetie" I say to him

"Would you like me to come home?" he asks me

"No don't be silly besides I doubt id be very good company, I'm a proper grumpy mare" I tell him

"God that bad hey" he says laughing

"Come and meet me at lunchtime darling get out of the house for a bit" he suggests

"Ben my hair is a mess my face has come out in spots like I'm fifteen again and my ass is the size of a house, I look like a whale" I hear I'm laughing which drives me wild "It's not funny" I yell at him

"Well my little fat ass whale I would like you to come and meet me all spotty and with your hair in a mess" he says

"Don't make fun of me Ben" I tell him although I had smiled when he said that but then he probably knew that.

"I'm not sweetheart I'm just trying to make you smile" he says "Please come and meet me" he asks how can I refuse that pleading voice

"But I look awful sweetie" I say

"Darling I'm sure you don't , but then you will always look amazing to me" he says I can feel him smile. "Now where are you going to meet me?"

He wants to know "Fine meet me outside the tube by our usual place" I tell him "What time is your lunch today?" I ask

"I've got no classes between twelve thirty and three" he says

"OK i'll try and be there by quarter to one" I tell him still not shaking my bloody miserable mood I hear him smile.

"That's my girl, I'll see you later Sweetheart, I love you" he says melting my grumpy heart

"I love you too" I reply, why did I give him such a hard time.

I can't decide on what to wear I need to try and make myself feel better so I go for my maternity jeans and my new white top with the daisy's on one that Ben bought me on our trip and my lemon cardigan, looking fairly presentable, even my foundation covering some of the ridiculous spots that have formed on my face and my hair cooperating after a wash. I potter around the house making it tidy while I wait to go and meet Ben, determined to buy him lunch or a cake or something to make up for how I've carried on. The thought of seeing Ben now cheers me up, I want to see him, need him to hold me, so want to apologize and tell him how much I love him.

When I get to the tube its packed as always for the lunchtime rush, I'm always a little wary that someone is going to knock into my bump so always wrap my arms around it while I walk. I go to jump on and there's some bother at the other end of the platform I notice, some men causing a fight or something, I don't stand to look preferring to step in the carriage where it will be a bit safer. There's an elderly lady sitting in the seat by the door, she smiles at me as I get on "Hey Pet" she says "You come and sit here" as she points to her seat

"No no don't be silly" I say to her not wanting her to move

"No I insist" she says

"You rest them legs of yours" I try and tell her that l'm fine but shes having none of it so I sit in the seat.

"How many weeks are you?" she asks me

"Nearly twenty nine" I tell her

"Oh lovely do you know what you're having?" she seems very interested

"Yes a little girl" she rubs her hands together smiling

"That's just lovely, I bet your husband is over the moon pet isn't he" she says motioning to my wedding finger

"Yes, yes he is" I tell her smiling thinking just how pleased and excited Ben is.

"Is it your first?" she asks

"No, we have two other children a boy and a girl" she smiles

"Oh aren't you lucky pet, the perfect family" she says, she really is a lovely old lady.

We carry on chatting over the next few stops it seems shes going as far as I am. I tell her i'm going to meet my husband for lunch and we were just about to start talking about him when there's a huge rumble, followed by a bang, everything goes dark and suddenly there's screaming, then this flash of light, I feel a pain in the side of my head, like somethings hit me, the next thing I realize is that I'm falling, everyone around me is, everything is like its in slow motion then all of a sudden black, just black.