Sing For Me

Homeward Bound

It looks Grey outside but in my heart the sun is shining, could yesterday have been any more perfect, I roll over to find my sleeping prince bless him gently snoring, his left hand resting on the pillow under his chin, my dear butterflies how the sight of the gold band resting on his finger excites you, oh it does it gives me goose bumps, it suits him. Such a simple thing to let the world know he is mine, a protection when we are apart.

His fringe has gone curly from being warm cant think what caused that, oh yes I remember, last night I behaved like I never though I could, it made me feel wicked, playing games like a teenager with her first love, but if I think like that Ben probably was my first love, real love, he loved me in a way that Matt never could or was capable of. Ben opened up a whole new world for me, where sex wasn't something dirty, something forced upon you, to be ashamed of wanting, it was an extension of love, a way of showing me his love for me in the most intimate way possible. It was intimate it was just between us and always would be he made me want more, more of him.

He stirs and glances me with those sleepy eyes. "Morning Sweetheart, are you OK how long have you been awake" he asks 

"Not long just been lying here" I'd changed into one of Ben's t shirts as when I'd woke I felt cold, the grey skies outside had brought more snow. 

"Is that my t shirt you are wearing Missy?" He wishes to know 

"hmm suits me doesn't it" he agrees of course 

"Am I going to have to get used to this as little jelly bean gets bigger?" he asks 

"Yep afraid so, once I get all fat and frumpy" he strokes his hand over my tummy 

"I can't wait" he says I pull a face 

"What till I'm fat and frumpy" he huffs, tapping his finger on my forehead smiling 

"How many times do I have to tell you, you will not be frumpy you will be gorgeous, keeping our baby warm" he always says the right things usually to save himself being attacked with a pillow.

Today we would have to think about heading home the thought made me sad we had had such an amazing time despite a few mishaps the baby worry and my wretched mother. Part of me wanted to stay here for ever. I would miss Dad and Gran we had grown so close in such a short time like I just slotted in as one of the family. Their love for Riley and Ellie was amazing I was so pleased. But we had to get on, back to our little home, to work. Riley was due to start his new school next week, my little baby going to school that wasn't right, I would be a blubbering wreck at the school gates. A new college term for Ben, he loves his work but knowing he goes to work and sees her still unsettles me, I'm sure she wont take too kindly to the fact that we've got married and that I'm carrying Ben's child. Whatever nasty things she said to me that night she has feelings for him that have made her bitter as they are not reciprocated.

Everyone had made their way home from the wedding party, it had been so lovely to see everyone but the bubble had burst and it was time to get back to reality. We headed back to Gran's to get packed Gran had washed all our clothes to save me when I get home she said. Dad and Marcus had made a move too, I was still wary of Marcus that he would go straight back to Mum and report everything.  But like Ben had said she couldn't touch me anymore.

"Mummy I don't want to go, I want to stay with Gran and Grampa" Riley told me while I was putting the last few things into our suitcases. "I know darling, but Daddy has to go to work on Monday and you are going to big school" he looked at and gave me that sulk walking out of the bedroom "Riley" I call to him but he doesn't come. I let out the biggest sigh and put my head in my hands as I sit on the bed. 

"Lis are you OK?" I hadn't noticed Ben come across the landing 

"Yeah there's a part of me that's scared to go home" I tell him 

"Why my darling?" he asks 

"I'll miss my comfort blanket I suppose" meaning Gran and Dad being there. 

"Everything is going to be fine sweetheart, I love it here you know I do but we need to get back to be a family and build our own life" He looks at me like he is itching to say something 

"Ben what?" He suggests that we start looking for a bigger house ready for when the baby is born, I hadn't let it enter my head. the thought sends fear through me I know why, the flat our flat was my safe haven it was the protection I had built for me and the children when I'd left, when I was there I felt safe tucked away from all the bad.

I feel myself get agitated and sweaty and my breathing becomes wild "No, No we cant we just cant" I stand up flapping my arms my chest becomes tight and I start to panic "I cant breathe, I cant breathe" I gasp. 

Ben rushes over and takes hold of me "Lis stop it, calm down it's ok" I see the panic in his eyes. He guides me over to sit on the bed "Sweetheart just breathe please" I cant do it which makes it worse "Darling look at me, look at me" he shouts. He looks me straight in the eye "Breathe" he breathes deep breathes begging me to follow him "Breathe with me" I copy Ben and gently feel myself come back down "That's it good girl" Ben says gripping my hands. I start to cry. "Sweetheart don't, I didn't mean to frighten you, I just thought its something we need to think about, we wont do anything your not happy with" 

I look up at him "I'm sorry its just" I don't have to finish 

"I know" he said, "We will talk about it again when your ready OK, there's no rush" I nod and he hugs me I feel all the tension float away when I'm in those strong arms. I cant believe that just happened.

We all have tea before we take the long drive back to London, Ben checking even more often now that I'm alright, Gran and Dad had heard us in the bedroom, heard Ben's shouts as he tried to calm me and were keeping an eye on me to, not making me talk about it if I didn't want to. Ben and Dad load the car there's barely any room in the boot by the time we pack the Christmas presents in and the wedding presents adding to the collection.

"Bye Bye my little angels" Gran says to Riley and Ellie. They both jump in for a big hug with her "Gran will see you soon" she had told us that she would come down on the train for visits and would come and stay ready for the birth. 

"Now you two be good for Mummy and Daddy" Dad says to the children 

"I promise Grampa" Riley says looking sad. 

"Don't be sad little man, you will be going to school next week and I want you to phone Grampa and tell me all about it OK" he smiles and agrees "Bye Bye Princess Ellie" he says to Ellie who comes up to hug him, He pulls Riley in too "Grampa loves you very very much" he tells them making me well up yet again. "Lets get you in the car" he says taking them off. 

Gran walks up to me "Now lovey you take care of yourself and that babby" she tells me 

"I will Gran and thank you for everything" she smiles stroking my cheek 

"Just you let him look after you OK" I smile back at her. She takes Ben's face in her hands "I'm so proud of you Benny take care of them and If you need anything then you ring me OK" 

Ben is teary "I will Gran I promise"

The Children are all strapped in watching a DVD on the in car player Dad walks over "Lisa my love its been an absolute pleasure to make you part of this family all of you, take care and I want to know every appointment and scan the lot how my grandchild is doing deal?" 

"Deal" I say as he pulls me to him 

"Thank you Dad so very much" he pats my back and turns to Ben 

"Son enjoy every minute because time goes so quickly, it only seems like yesterday that I was holding you in my arms" well that's done it, I'm done for the tears are flowing freely.

 "I will Dad we will keep in touch." he tells him after one last hug.

We jump in the car "And drive carefully lad" Dad tells Ben as he puts his seat belt on. We drive down the lane waving to Dad and Gran as we go, Ben toots the horn as we get to end of the road and we head off. 

"OK Sweetheart?" he asks 

"Yes sweetie I'm fine" I wipe my goodbye tears away. 

"Homeward Bound" Ben's says as we pass through the village the last glimpses of what had been the most amazing trip we could have hoped for.