Born to be a slave.

55

Edmund's POV

"FIONA! FIONA! Get over here, fast! FIONA!"  

I shouted in hopes to get somebody to aid Thea. She was laying in that room on the floor, shaking in fright and pain, of what I have done to her. Why I did hurt her in the first place? 

I was siting in that room, because I wanted some space and some time away from Maria. She have been nagging me to attend all her social events and meet her friends, and spend so much time with her, that I hardly have got time for myself. I wanted to escape and I knew no one will look for me in that living room. The day of marriage is occupying my mind and just a thought of it makes me greatly upset. I tried to calm down. When Thea came in and asked me to free her, I lost my mind.  My heart broke at that exact moment. The only person in my life I cared about, wanted to leave me. I will not be able to live, knowing she is not here, safe..... at least from others. I could not say the same about me. 

I think I have made a mistake by ever buying and taking her with me. I never knew things will go this far, as it is now. I didn't know I will fall in love with her. When I came back home, I saw her changed. Thea was no longer that small girl I left behind, but has grown into a beautiful woman. Everything I felt before, combined with new view on her, set my heart and her life for disaster.  

Where was my brain, when I thought, that would be possible to be with her and love her the way I wanted? It couldn't work out well and she saw it before I realized my mistake. She never thought of me as an interest of love and kept herself distant from that kind of affections, but I was so dumb and lead her on, encouraging these forbidden feelings.

When I realized, what I have done, I decided to keep her at a distance, far away from my eyes and focus on my personal life and businesses concerning it. Almost excluding her out completely. I hoped, that if I act cold and distant towards her, she will grow to dislike and hate me, eliminating whatever have made her feel affection towards me. Everyday I hoped, she feels nothing, that it is only me, who harbors fond feelings for my Thea. And as more we grew apart, the more I longed for her. Nothing worked for me, I couldn't erase my feelings, couldn't find things to focus on, to make me feel better. Maria's presence didn't help at all, she only added more frustrations to my crazed mind. 

I hate my life, I hate myself and I hate, that I love Thea so much. Everything I have done, is hurt her in most cruel ways possible and now, after this despicable act, she will never look at me the same way as before. Thea will hate me. 

Isn't that, what I wished for? Maybe it is better. 

I have thought many times to give her freedom, to set her free and rid her of her slave status. Give her a real life, something she has wished for.... forever. It would be so simple and unselfish way to make her happy. But something stops me from doing it. I don't want her to go away, to have life on her own, which she will dedicate for someone else, more important person, than I am to her. In the end of the day, I want her all by myself. I want to be the only person in her life she cares about, the same way I wish to take care of her. So selfish of me...., but I have no one else. I will not last long, without her existence and caring nature. I am just too weak for this world, for my role as a king. 

I admire her resilience. Thea is so much stronger, than any person I have ever known. No matter what cruelties life throws at her, she keeps going and gains more strength from it. Hardships has made her timid, submissive and scared of things. Surprisingly she doesn't hate anyone, who have treated her badly. Something I cannot go through. I am unable to get myself in such control of my feelings, like Thea does. I hate every single person in my life. I hate to hate. I just can't find a way to get rid of this torturing emotion. 

I have made my way to the favorite spot in my garden - swings. The lack of other people here calms my nerves and I hope it will do the same at this moment. Only this time there is no Thea around, who would make this experience much more enjoyable. It is my own fault. I hurt her, burned her and made her into a slave. I marked and made her into a being, that can be considered even lower, as her original status. I can't forgive myself, Thea won't forgive me either. I feel like this is the end for our lives. 

My heart is twisting and experiencing painful emotions, so strong, that I feel few tears fall. It must be such shameful look at this moment, but I can't help and hold that all inside of me anymore. 

I am just so scared to see and face Thea again. Never in my life I have felt a greater fear.