Medley

93: BONFIRE HEART.

"Harry, hundreds of people are out on the streets at this time of the day here in the middle of the city!" I try to explain to him.

"Exactly! That's when it's easier to blend in and go unnoticed. So, I'm coming with you. No one expects me to be here, if someone recognizes me they won't believe it actually is me. Anyway, I said the hiding stopped today, didn't I?"

"Suit yourself, Styles! But you're in charge of Seb."

I kiss his cheek and hand him the leash.

Walking through my neighborhood holding hands with Harry is the most normal thing we have ever done as a couple. How weird is that?

We look like two regular people, living a regular life, doing regular things like walking our dog to the park in the late hours of the afternoon on a regular weekday after work. And I have to confess, regular feels pretty good for a change!

We take a longer route to the park so I can show him the places I frequent, and he can observe through store windows the familiar faces of people I see on a daily basis.

Hopefully, this means to him as much as it did for me to get a little tour of his hometown, however brief and general it may have been. I felt closer to him after that, like I knew him better.

"Why did we stop here?" Harry asks.

"See that window?"

I point to an apartment much like mine that sits on top of an office supply store, and Harry looks up.

"A young married couple lives there. Their curtains are always open, day and night. I sometimes take a little detour to walk through here because, although it might make me sound like a creep, I like to watch them. Just for a minute as I pass by."

"That is a tiny little bit creepy/stalker-y of you!" He jokes.

"Whenever I get a glimpse of them through the glass, they're always showing each other affection somehow. He massages her back while she works on the computer. They dance around the living room. She holds him from behind and nuzzles his neck while he talks on the phone standing out on the balcony... They're just the sweetest couple! I got the chance to meet them once at Medley. Daniel and Prama. She's from India. Most beautiful woman you'll ever see."

"I beg to differ." Harry intervenes.

Why does he always have to say the perfect words at the perfect times?

We keep walking and I try to distract him with a different subject but he's eager to know why I'd bring up Prama and Daniel.

"I used to want to be her. I used to want what she had, because I never had it with Caleb. Our relationship was good, but never great like that."

Harry cringes at the sound of Caleb's name. To me, that name is just a synonym for disappointment.
In order to leave ghosts where they belong, in the past, I shift the focus back to the main characters of this story.

"There's a huge picture hanging on the wall in their living room that you can see from the street of them dancing on their wedding day. The perfect image of true love that window has painted for me in the past couple of years, is the one thing I longed for but could never get. But now you're here, and I suddenly feel like I can finally have what Prama has. I feel like I've found my Daniel."

By the time I'm finished talking, we have reached the park. Seb lies on the grass chewing fervently on a stick while Harry and I take a seat on a bench.

He looks at me in that same intense way he sometimes does when he wants to say something but the right words won't come to him. Except this time he doesn't give me the passionate kiss that always follows that stare, the kiss he resorts to in order to express what his voice can't say to me. This time he fights to find the words.

"I want to give you everything Prama has and more. Way more. I want to make you feel so loved and happy that you'll never wish for someone else's life ever again. I want you to be the woman others watch through a window wishing they were you."

It's now me who can't come up with sounds to communicate what his words have meant to me.

I have no choice but to steal his own tactic and use it on him. With my hands cradling his face, I look at him adoringly and kiss him slowly and tenderly hoping I can transfer some of the butterflies in my stomach onto his.

Everyone can see us but no one is looking at us.

This is the most carefree we have ever been. Freedom feels... new. And nice.

But this anonymity won't last us forever.

Seb decides it's time to get moving, there's no more room for romance. He becomes the center of attention, and Harry and I bend to his will. We stroll down the paths until Seb is too exhausted to play anymore.

When we arrive at the apartment, Seb disappears into the spare bedroom where his favorite spot is by an air vent, and Harry plunges on the couch while I make us some coffee.

I watch him from the kitchen, still incredulous of my good fortune. This flawed but immensely kind and loving human being could have any woman in the entire world: models, actresses, pop stars, all young, beautiful, rich and famous.

But he's here. With me.

This perfect man, with his perfect smile and his perfect designer clothes, is lying on my couch covered in dog hair. Brown Labrador hair on a Gucci shirt, what a crime!

His perfect hair is a perfect mess, and his perfect expensive Saint Laurent boots sit all muddy by the door.

But he doesn't seem to care about a thing. The spark is back in his perfect little green eyes. His perfect hands up in the air aid his perfect raspy voice trying to summon me to his side.

I don't need to clarify that he's, in fact, not perfect. No one is, not even him. But at this precise moment, he is. And I am too. Because the moment is perfect. And the way I love him right now is the most perfect love I've ever felt. The most perfect love I will ever feel.

A song creeps into my thoughts that are momentarily saturated with Harry.

'I've been putting out fires all my life'... that was me. I've never let a flame turn into a fire. Always killed it before it got to be. I didn't want to love someone so much that I'd be willing to get burned for them... Yet here I am, walking through the fire holding Harry's hand.

"Your mouth is a revolver
Firing bullets in the sky
Your love is like a soldier
Loyal 'til you die

And I've been looking at the stars
For a long, long time
I've been putting out fires all my life
Everybody wants a flame
They don't want to get burnt

And today is our turn

(...)

This world is getting colder
Strangers passing by
No one offers you a shoulder
No one looks you in the eye

But I've been looking at you
For a long, long time
Just trying to break through
Trying to make you mine
Everybody wants a flame
they don't want to get burnt

Well, today is our turn

Days like these lead to...
Nights like this lead to...
Love like ours
You light the spark in my bonfire heart"

-----------------------------------------

BONFIRE HEART - James Blunt.