Silently Falling in Love: Lucky Charm

Chapter 21 - Assumptions

“Hi Alex, how are you?” I fake smiled. “What are you doing here in the middle of the day?” I continued.

He just stared at me before he finally answered, “I’ve been better.”

Shit! How do I respond to that! I’m the one who you hurt, why the hell are you making me feel like crap.  I just looked at him with wide eyes, completely lost for words.

Finally, he said, “Are you leaving?”

“Yes.  I need to get back to the office.”

He walked out with me and I had never felt so awkward.  I didn’t know what to say to him.  We both started walking towards the subway to catch a train back to our respective offices.

Finally, Alex stopped walking and turned towards me and broke the silence. 

“What did I do or say to you that you would believe that I was just in the relationship for the fun of it, to just sleep with you? Was it that you didn’t trust me and you believed all of the gossip columns or was it because you’re still hung up on Raj and I was just a rebound guy?  Because after all, if he hadn’t cheated on you, you’d probably be married to him right now.  He treated you like crap and yet you trusted him, and I tried to do everything to show you how much I cared for you, but you didn’t trust me.  You had no faith in me and you made assumptions based on what? Other people’s opinions of me?  You know it hurts that you could trust a low life like Raj but you couldn’t trust me that I was in the relationship for the long haul.”

I stood there dumbfounded.  At first I just stared at him not knowing what to say.  Finally, I got the courage to speak.  “Ask me how I felt when I caught Raj with his secretary?”

I know I caught Alex by surprise when I asked him the question because his eyes softened.  “Anjali, I’m sorry that was a below the belt comment about Raj.  I know what it feels like to be cheated on and it sucks.  Forget I said anything.”

“Ask me how I felt when I caught Raj with his secretary?” I repeated.

“Anjali we don’t have to do this.  I don’t need to hear the details.  I’m sorry,” he reiterated.

I grabbed his arm and looked at him in the eyes and said, “I didn’t ask you how you felt when you got cheated on.  Ask me how I felt when I got cheated on?”

He ran a hand through his hair like he was trying to figure out a way out of this conversation so he wouldn’t have to ask.  When he knew I wasn’t going let him go without responding to my request he looked at me, and finally, softly asked, “Anjali how did if feel when you caught Raj being unfaithful?”

“Relieved.  I felt relieved.  Like I got a Get Out of Jail card when you play Monopoly,” I stated.

His face was shocked and for once he was speechless so I continued.  “I planned everything down to every little detail on that day.  I had been planning my break-up speech for weeks.  I even planned on doing it at lunch on a workday in a public place so that there was little chance of there being a long drawn out scene.  I knew we would both have to get back to the office and if Raj lost his temper I would be in a public place so I would be safe.”

I paused to take a breath.

“I even went so far as changing my locks the weekend before in case Raj really had it in for me.  I knew he had a temper and I wanted to stay as far away from it.  The only Achilles heel that I have is family.  If he pulled the family card, I was worried I might cave and the wedding would be back on.  But, when I caught him with Rosy, I knew no one would blame me for walking out.  It was the perfect out.  I was thrilled I could walk away so easily.  There was no way he could pull the family card.  So, no, I would probably not be married to Raj right now if he hadn’t cheated on me.  More than likely I’d still be standing in front of you having this argument.”

I paused again to catch my breath and continued, “You’re right, I didn’t trust you.  I thought I was just like any of the other girls before me that you dated.  Interesting until you got bored.  Yes, the gossip columns influenced my opinion.  I didn’t trust what was in front of me, I trusted what others said about you.  I can’t change that and yes you’re right I’m guilty of that.  I just wish though you had told me with words too.  You’re right, I’ve made a lot of bad choices in the past trusting the wrong guys and the one guy who I should have trusted I didn’t.  I’m sorry Alex, but I can’t change the past.” 

I looked up at him one more time, there it was everything out in the open, and then I walked away.  I saw the look in his eyes and I knew no matter what I said it wasn’t enough.

I walked as quickly as I could to the train station, biting the insides of my cheeks to keep myself from crying.  I will not cry.  I will not cry.  I will not cry.  I kept repeating this mantra to myself all of the way back to my office.

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I love this song Mar Jawan from the hindi movie Fashion. It's a love song about how someone would die for their lover.  The song has a nice sound to it although the scenes don't match my story the mood of the song does.   This version also has English Translations so hopefully, you'll enjoy it as much as me!

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