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Pen Your Pride

I stumbled my way to my room with a half full bottle of Chardonnay (or should I say half empty given my mood) in one hand and my wine glass in another.  I had already had a couple of cocktails at the bar before I started in on the Chardonnay.  I’m a total lightweight especially after having my kids – so you would think after all of this alcohol I’d be numb by now.  But, I wasn’t, I could still feel the pain.  Here I was at the Ritz Carlton in the Half Moon Bay one of the most romantic hotels around – and I was alone.  I had been asking my husband for months to take me here and spend a weekend away from the kids but he’d been too busy.  And, somehow after this morning’s shock I got in the car and this is where I ended up.  I had thought the first time I’d be here would be with him – and we would spend the weekend in bed.   The weather is often foggy in Half Moon Bay so I loved the idea of locking ourselves into a hotel room and never leaving.  It would be hard to do that if the weather was nice – it’s hard to stay cuddled in bed with the sun shining in.  That’s why I longed to come here.

Instead I’m here by myself.  What am I going to do? They say over 50% of marriages in America end up in divorce.  I always thought I’d be the 50% that stayed together.  If I get a divorce I’ll be the 50% that will have to shuttle my kids between homes or the new thing which is to keep them in the same place while the parents move from place to place.  How will I be “amicable” to my ex-husband?  How the hell does anyone have an amicable divorce – that’s bullshit! Will I have to act civilized in front of the kids and pretend we’re handling this like grown adults?

I’m going to need to get a lawyer.  Oh hell, I don’t know the first thing about hiring a lawyer.  I know some of my friends think about the possibility of a divorce and have put some thought into it.  Not me, of course.  I didn’t think I needed to – so now the least prepared person is going to have to go through this.

Oh and the pity! I’m going to hate how everyone looks at me when they find out.  I hate when people pity you and you know they are talking behind your back trying to fill in all of the missing details.

My head was hurting – I don’t know if it was from the alcohol or from all of my thoughts.  I needed to lie down.  But, before I laid down, I’m still a mom and even drunk I worry about my kids.  I pulled out my phone and texted my husband:

“Samir is at Jack’s house for a play date until 4pm and Jaya is at Alison’s house for a play date.  Please remember to pick them up.  Call your parents for tomorrow’s schedule – they’ll know what to do.  I need a bit of time on my own.  Anjali”

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