Fixing Noah / Finding Noah - #ForNoah | +18 | BWWM

23 | Need - Part 2

It was the gentle scratching sound that woke me up. Gradual movement of a pencil on paper is drawing me from my sleep bit by bit. He was sitting near the stove at a small desk, papers spread out on the table. For some reason I didn't want to disturb him so I watched. His pencil furiously moved against the paper. He grabs pencils, pens, paints, and ink. It wasn't a single paper he was working with. When he finished that one he went to the next.

Watching Noah work was and is mesmerizing. I was as captivated as when I went looking for him after he disappeared for a few days. It was when we were fighting for the first time. I found him painting Neptune, and we had sex the first time. He was engrossed with his big shoulder hunched over the papers.

Carefully, my feet quietly touched the floor. The gentle rock of the boat barely noticeable. A quick glance out the port window and the tree line coast was more distant. I wasn't sure how long I was asleep for but I was happy to be underway. I'm not sure why but I stayed quiet walking up to Noah. My feet barely made a sound as I steady my steps to walk with the rocking of the ship.

"Noah?" I whisper, not wanting to disturb. My tiny plan was to give him a hug, maybe get something to drink and go back to bed. What I got was something completely different.

His big shoulders jump at my call to him. My foot paused mid-step, what fuckery is this? He shifts all the papers on the desk and slides others out of the way. Oh no, we are finally on track no no no.

"Noah, is everything ok?" He turns in his chair facing me and his ocean eyes are wide. My insides tighten at his worried gaze. He moves the papers he was working on behind him. And his ocean eyes drop like a lead weight to a watery ocean floor.

I'm not sure when I got used to his increased eye contact. The small glances he gave me without looking away. Without hiding his eyes behind his long hair. I was so used to it that maybe I wasn't as appreciative of the small change as I should have been.

"It's ok." I say in a level voice. With care I close the distance between us a step at a time. I couldn't see Noah's hands and I didn't want to push him into hurting his hands again. Plus, it could get worse and he could shutdown or meltdown. And I really don't want that at all. His hair hung to cover his eyes and as I took my last two steps towards him. He abruptly stood up from the chair pushing more of the papers behind him. "It's ok," because whatever it is that sets this off. It's ok at this point. I took another cautious step in my worry written all over my expression and I couldn't help it. The no no no in my mind looped. Reaching for him delicately, my touch was as soft as the softest of seagrass. "It's ok, really."

Flick of my eye line to the desk next to one of his drawing books. I debate with myself second guessing. When I had to act like I didn't want to be in a relationship, it was casual. That I was going to let Noah set the pace and the rules. I wasn't going to push it. Never going to make that mistake I did with Theo, of filling in all the blanks for him. Always bridging the divide and when the divide couldn't be bridge letting it slide. I didn't want to do that to Noah. Another relationship where I'd remake the same mistakes.

But...

I let Theo define my new relationship for fear of making another mistake. How cruel to let all the ghosts decide how I'd live my future. I was living with the dead, letting that damn dead marriage define everything about my future. Not anymore whatever path it's going to be in the world of the living.

My hand against Noah's cheek was as fragile as glass. It reminded me of the day he told me he wasn't in love with me and that I wanted to break up. But this time instead of a brush and walking away I kept it there. Pushing his hair away from his eyes. The ocean blue was back filled with something.