Fixing Noah / Finding Noah - #ForNoah | +18 | BWWM

20 | Life

Life's funny, I've not been actively avoiding Noah. Most of the time I've spent saving for a Space Girl's trip and getting things done for Little Man. My car on its last leg helps keep me so busy. So, no I was not actively avoiding Noah. Well, not completely actively. A part of me doesn't believe that the door is open without pain. As if the pain between us had become all we were. That feeling and need to be close to the someone who is causing the hurt and who can heal it. Even if it was fucked up. That a cup of coffee could fix everything between us wasn't something I could believe in easily. That everything overnight was on some sort of track to perfection. I hedged like a pro. When I was with my Ex-husband I filled in the blanks for him. Any red flags were soared over and if I am honest not talked about enough. Maybe if we talked more, it could have had a different outcome.

A small stupid secret part of myself that will always love Teodoro. Love for him in that way his Cuban grandfather said his name. Balmy open skies on an island hope. That love and optimism in him that made Teodore who he was at his core. When his grandfather died that core died with the last of my husband's family. Teodoro, I would always have love for, would always yearn for and see every day in my children. Yes, Teo I loved but Theo I can never forgive for cheating on me. Maybe that is what really happened when it came down to it. The shift away from us and never coming to terms with the man who was left. Until that man that was left, was all that was left to me.

It was a Monday morning at Noah's house and the normal sound of working. I knew he was going to be there. And the thoughts that circled and culminated way too fast.

A cup of coffee waiting for me on the porch. He put it in one of those fancy gadget cups that keep it warm. The mug was my mug, the one I always used when I was at Noah's and Zoey's. All the times I saw that coffee mug flash in my head and the hope we were ok rushed into me. Betraying all my hedging faster than I could build those damn hedges. As if I took off my heels and vaulted over those hurdles and took my panties off in a smooth motion all at once. Yeah, fucking around fun. But if he wanted to fuck around, why does he do all these nice things for me.

It's so confusing getting a read on him. So, utterly confusing and the words always ring now.

That question...

'Do you love me, Noah?'

And the No is so fucking loud. It's not A no it's The No. I couldn't even tell my friends about it. It was that level of crash-and-burn relationship soul-crushing No. But he was honest and I appreciate that. If I keep repeating to myself on a loop that we are in a better place now maybe someday I'll believe it.

I followed that tapping work song to Noah's new boat. It wasn't a complete build like the last two but a rebuild of a 1900s sailing yacht. Had no clue sailing boats had engines that big. When Noah took my family and me on the boat last time he gave us a tour. The sailing boat he built had a very small engine and his sailing boat mostly ran via wind power.

Noah's long sandy hair was bent over the huge engine. He had the type of long hair you see on those lions when they shake out their manes. Just massive luscious locks. His wide back bunches in thick muscles as he lifts the engine part next to the block.

"I didn't know you knew how to repair an engine," I said. My coffee mug rose to my lips tasting a drugging sip of the brew. Noah turns around spotting me and his eyes track me. And that tension built between us, so taunt and not matching the mellow I was going for. The henley was so tight on his broad chest I had to catch the moan in the back of my throat. He's bigger than before he left. What the fuck was he doing on that boat when he was gone, lifting cars? I'm team thickness and thick thighs but damn.

"Yes," I waited for the rest. Ok, we're back to monosyllabic replies again. But his ocean eyes weren't filled with anger. That something that I couldn't name before wasn't so much screaming from his every gaze. No, now it was an echo of sadness but also something else. The hunger that's always with Noah the few times our eyes meet. I didn't want to pull out my Noah decoder. A part of my soul was so tired in general. So, many more hours at work getting Sim what she wanted. Because Space Girl should be at space camp. Getting my son's relationship with his father somewhat on track and non-weird zone. Because of the many problems I have with Theo he can be and has been a good father. It's just some guys get it in their heads that their sons should be copies of them. The list of everything off and everything I had to do piled up. All the things that were in my control and completely not.