Fixing Noah / Finding Noah - #ForNoah | +18 | BWWM

10 | Pumpkins don't Last

Two days from that night, all glitz and glamor faded. It had joy with a bit of pain. My son called me a princess when he saw me all dressed up for that night. But for all princesses, midnight always comes. My midnight was in the dressing room with Noah. But today is another day.

My ex-husband's house was barely moving. No baby cries and no kids that are ready for pickup. I left my little blue honda civic mom machine just next to the driveway. It was a brand new house, but it was funny. Older houses in Sacramento have backyards, as most of the land was farmland. We still have cows and hayfields. Theo's suburban house was near one of those hayfields. Like all the other houses, Theo's home was inches away from his neighbor's box in on all sides. It was like overcrowded cookies that didn't bake right. If you stuck your head out of a side window, you'd be able to almost touch the other person's bathroom window. The McMansion creeped me out. Somehow it made me feel cramp and claustrophobic while standing in the open air. If you were going to build really big houses that close together, why build so big? There's no room to play in the front yard with other kids. I doubt it has a backyard. The street has too many cars that go by. You might as well live in an apartment building in the middle of the city. It probably cost less.

I let my thoughts wander away from Noah as fast as I could. Add to the fact that Theo kind of found out about us. Then proceeded to threaten me with the court if I didn't quit my job since we were living with Noah at the time. Which really isn't in the least fair if you stop and think about it for half a second. This man cheated on me and I found out about it through butt dial. The woman he cheated on me with, he had a baby. Use my buy-out money to buy this house and an SUV. Set himself and his new little family up nicely. Yet, he knew that I couldn't afford all the court fees he could easily drag out at the time. And, of course, he weaponized that knowledge to make the threat. As if he was saying kids or him you picked. Of course, I picked the kids and quit that part of the job. It wasn't a good situation, as we were involved with no idea when it was going to end or how it would turn out. It was messy. But that wasn't really my ex-husband's call. Theodore and Teodoro are like two different men in the same body. I see glimpses of the man I married, but that man is buried under a pile of shit.

My knock on his door was gentle as I wasn't about to wake up his baby son. I remember all too well the hours and hours of crying we had with our kids. I wouldn't push that crap on anyone else. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I walk back to the car, away from the door and the pretty tiny front lawn back to my car.

"Give us 10 mins." Theo's voice on the call was as brisk as one light on the house's top floor turned on. His voice was so familiar I almost had to stop myself from nodding, as if he was waking up next to me. It's weird how moments like that happen. You feel like it was yesterday, and he's right here and you forget about the drama and reality for a second.

"Ya, sure I can wait." He hangs up without saying more, and I'm glad he didn't invite me in. Even though it is probably rude, I didn't want to make this my first visit to his house. I've got too much on my mind anyway and more wasn't what I wanted on my plate.

The door opens and Little Man comes running out with his backpack on. In the doorway, his sister waits by the door. Sim, being kid perfect again. Space Girl is always like that and she waves at me. Little Man slams into me.

"Whoa, did your Father say you could open the door without him?" I have no idea what rules of difference were at the house. I know he's not allowed to do that at my house. Five isn't an adult door-opening age in my book. But his and his sister's birthday are in July and it's getting closer. Then again, there's a reason why Sim is standing at the door. She's seven going on too old of a soul.

"No... Mom," He said it like a wanted criminal because he knew he did wrong. I try my best and fail at laughing at Little Man. It was good to see him. We have a weird custody schedule that matches Theo's guard time at the prison. That means that sometimes it's as simple as a weekend without my kids. But at times, it can be as long as months at a time with nothing but phone calls. I hate it and I missed Little Man. Since that backpack was already on his back, he missed me as well. Which was good to see. Petty as fuck but good to see. I bit my lip and notice again he was not wearing his cape. My son wears his cape everywhere but the bed. Even when he's in bed, he has a hook for his cape above his head. He may grow out of the cape, he may not, but he loves it. He wants to be like Lando Calrissian in Star Wars. Sim loves sci-fiction movies, but she's more hard science space. She wants to stargaze and get telescopes, whereas Ade wants to be the guy in his favorite movie. He wants to save the day and be cool. Simple and sweet. There's this deep heart of kindness with Ade. That caring is not something little black boys are allowed to easily be. I hope no one ruins him.

But, again.....His father didn't let him wear the cape. Again. He niggled my joy at seeing him. Theo hates the cape. It makes Ade stick out and look different. He's right that attention isn't always good attention. For all we know he might grow out of his cape lifestyle. In my book, he's old enough to pick his own clothes and start being his own person. Whoever that person is going to be.

I reach in the car and pull his cape out of the back seat. Little Man hops in his car seat and I put the cape back on to him. As soon as it's tied in place, his shoulders relax. I kiss his forehead and he points at the spot. I smile and give him a backup kiss for later, just in case. Ade is ready to get the hell out of there. When my head comes up, I'm caught by his father's irritated brown eyes. He had a well past five o'clock shadow and, as always, sometimes I keep remembering what was instead of what is. He takes our daughter's hand and leads her out to the car. Then Theo looks inside my car at Little Man. Bless his heart, Ade already had his cape on the second he hit my car. That irritation spreads across my Ex's face in an all too familiar way. My Little Space Girl hugs me and goes into the back seat, sliding into her car seat. She puts it on herself because that's what she likes to do, and I check to make sure she did it right.

When she's around her dad, her perfect oldness goes into overdrive. I barely notice before the divorce but it's worst now. It's as if she disappoints her father and he'll like her less or something. If she only could remember how he spent hours and hours talking to her in Spanish when she was a tiny baby. Teodoro and his grandfather adored her. Still do, you could tell. She doesn't have to be so perfect. That niggling worry about her stayed with me. As if it was a cliff for her and I had no way of pulling her back from it. Because what happens to the hard marble of perfect in a life that sends nothing but waves. When it doesn't have the flexibility required to be a young black child? Stumbling on to where the heart of my worry came from with her was shocking. Shocking enough for me not to remember that I wanted to step in front of Little Man. The kids' father is angry about not waiting for him and going outside. It was such fast, furious clarity I fully space for a second. Lost in my thoughts and worry.

"....next time listen," and with Theo's stern reprimand to Ade, I was back to my shitty reality. The reality of an ex-husband who wants another perfect kid. Probably the interesting, thoughtful boy in front of him he's completely missing.

"Theo?" He looks up from Ade, hunched in his car seat, his cape tightly wraped around himself. I didn't have much to follow that up. I just wanted to interrupt and cut off whatever protracted lecture he might have gone on. My ex-husband was shirtless, his jeans' top button wasn't even buttoned. His dark short hair was a complete mess of his bedhead. Skin tan and on display, if he wasn't being a dick, it could pass for a man's cologne ad.

"Tari?" It was a question back at me because I guess I must have caught him off guard as well. I needed to get out of there. Kids had school, we were already running late.

"See you around, Theo," and I got into that car like it was a grand escape. As we headed off to the school, we passed by the road we would normally take to go to Noah's house.

"Mom, did Mr. Noah come back?" They didn't know he showed up at the event. By the time they woke up, it was their Father's day to pick them up and spend the weekend.

"Yes, baby," I answer my son. My daughter was not to be left out.

"Can we see Mr. Noah?" That was a loaded question. I didn't have an appropriate answer. To them, Noah was a friend who didn't even say bye when he left, but they still liked him. They asked after him all the time. But things were messy.

"Hey did you both do your writing practicing?" I change the subject not too smoothly. And both went over their writing practices. Told me about what they did and the drawings they made. I'm a stickler for handwriting. It's one of my vices. Thankfully, my kids love writing and drawing, so they like pretty handwriting as well. Just my posted note, love pens lifestyle rubbing off on them but thankfully it got them off the topic.