Fixing Noah / Finding Noah - #ForNoah | +18 | BWWM

0 | Prologue - Neptune at the Crocker - Finding Noah

Late Winter, Crocker Art Museum, Sacramento California Press Day.

Press day at the Crocker Art Museum was supposed to kick off my last month at my new job. The job was working for a recluse artist named Noah and working on three YouTube channels. His sister's YouTube channel, their friend, and the main channel ForNoah. On the main channel, all four of them were together and it was the channel that spawn all the other channels. It was mostly singing and showing off his art. But the YouTube channels were low-key popular.

They made enough money to do an alright side hustle and hire me to manage it. Getting the job to manage the YouTube accounts came at the right time for me. My marriage ended on a butt dial. I listen to my husband and his sidepiece having sex. It was an awful experience, and it cost me everything. It's funny how it cost me everything, but for him, it put him in a better financial position. I had to come up with the money to buy my fledgling business from him instead of splitting it in half. Missing out on any small amount of money we got from the sale of the house. Then still having to pay my ex-husband was painful. Moving in with Noah and working as his personal assistant was a life-saving event for me and my kids.

I thought I was fixing things for Noah. Small fixes like getting his mail, YouTube comments, editing, and little things. It made things easier for Noah as a personal assistant. After my broken marriage, I closed my eyes, and I was completely broken. When I open my eyes again, I found out I wasn't fixing Noah he was quietly fixing me. What was in front of me was the man I fell in love with. A man who, in his nearly 30 years of life, had never been in a relationship before me. He'd never been with a person intimately before me. I saw all my mistakes in my marriage when I fought with myself to stay with Noah. The time bomb of making expectations on him he might not have wanted. My bad habit of a picture-perfect settle-down lifestyle that I needed. It was a reflection of my childhood terror. Everything was wonderful until my dad got cancer and died, leaving us in debt. Moving from house to house rentals and other people's couches. I didn't want to repeat that life, but I also wanted the normal happiness everyone else wants.

Noah changed me and I didn't want to work for him anymore. I wanted him no matter how hard it hurt to find what was needed. I wanted him to figure it out, even if that meant not with me. Because I needed more than a casual relationship. I needed forever, and I didn't want to push that forever on to Noah. I wanted it to be something Noah wanted. I got two kids and responsibilities but I deserve...

I deserve.

Forever.

Making that decision ended our relationship because I was honest with myself. Half-full wasn't enough for me. No matter how good the sex was, I wanted more for myself. It had to end. For me and my kids, who adored Noah. I was going to tell him after I notified his sister, who hired me for the job. But Noah overheard and took his boat, then disappeared shortly after.

I broke something in him. His eyes locked on me and that fragment ocean blue gaze was on me when he overheard. Exposed were all the tattered pieces of his trust. I was his first. He was almost thirty years old, and I was his first everything. That responsibility I failed at utterly. But the art show had to go on and put it together as part of the contract. The event takes place later in the week without Noah. Most of his paintings have already sold except for the main set piece, which is going to be bid on at the show.

Noah asked me to name the piece. He made it on the night we were together for the first time. The piece reminds me so much of what he told my son on his boat. Combine with the night we were together for the first time. A storm of emotions. Noah said, "having Asperger's is like being a tiny sailing boat in a big stormy sea."

When he said it, we were on the ocean and the deep blue went on for miles beyond sight. The idea of it was incredibly lonely.

"Hurry mom we're almost there," my daughter Simir urges me on, pulling on my hand. Space Girl skips over all the space-inspired art sections to get to.