Fixing Noah / Finding Noah - #ForNoah | +18 | BWWM

12 | Mafia

She was twenty, blonde, didn't have the money for college, with a shiny smile. A kind of all-American needs to be in a Gap Ad look. She had a sweet voice that wasn't too loud and had a nice soprano. While I listened to her interview with Zoey, it was close to mine when I first started. I picked her out of the applicants because she had something about her. I thought Noah would do well with her. Really... My self-persuasion wasn't going well.

"Sara, what hours can you work?" Zoey asked her. She would not be a live-in like I was, so the pay was better. Cali is stupidly expensive, so she might not need the live-in. She could be still living with her parents so her salary might be worth it. As the interview stretched on between the two, I leaned heavily against the back wall of the office. I had zero input to give, even though Zoey asked me to be here for my thoughts. It had been a long week.

Buzz. I pick up my phone and check my best friend's group chat.

Jo-Lee: Mom, can we please see Mr. Noah?

Tari:?

Tari: Sim? What are you doing on Jo-Lee's phone?

Jo-Lee: Auntie Jo said we could ask you.

I sighed... My kid is smart... It's a blessing.. really.... most of the time...

My friend Jo-Lee and her daughter Bonabell picked my kids up. Bonabell was babysitting while I'm at work instead of my mom at the last minute. The messages popping up on my phone kept coming with a buzz. It wasn't shocking because of last night. I had to deal with a calculated kid strike. It was so dang creative that I worry about my daughter when she grows up. Her teenage years won't be easy. After asking repeatedly throughout dinner if they could see Mr. Noah now that he was back. I notice they weren't eating the rest of their dinner. Little Man took another stab, thrusting his fork violently into the offending broccoli. Ade was giving me his best mean mug. After the eighth time, he asked again to meet with Mr. Noah. He wasn't eating anything else on the plate but the vegetables. Something you normally have worked at if it isn't a vegetable he enjoys. My daughter already cleared her plate of vegetables. Her dark brown eyes, so like my mother's, watch me with pure calculation. She waited for her turn to ask in between Ade, asking about visiting with a pouty tone. She asks as sweet as could be.

"I think Mr. Noah would enjoy a visit from us." The Girl Space could teach the Mafia a thing or two. She was so polite but I know a shakedown when I hear it. I was being grilled between the two kids and it had the feeling of a losing battle.

I thought I could be slick and stood up and went to our tiny fridge in the small apartment. Next to the fridge was one of the several paintings Noah made the kids in the tiny kitchen nook. It made it seem like we were in a spaceship looking out the window of a window into space. It was a modern take on a Van Gogh spatial universe. The thick brushstrokes that Noah always uses and little bits of my kids' touches mixed in. He integrated the whole thing into a new whole. As always, the ghost of him seems to follow me everywhere when I want it and when I don't.

I pull out the salad I was going to take to work tomorrow. Splitting in two for both kids. If they were only eating vegetables as some sort of protest, then at least they will get a full dinner. Then I pop the empty bowl into the sink. The temptation to slam the fridge was there, but I passed. The starburst in the painting brought a smile to me. I didn't want to think about Noah at the same time. My kids love the paintings. They both love space and the kids spend days simply playing like they are really on the spaceship. That spaceship Noah made for them with all the panels can. No matter where we move or where they go, they have this home.

My kids live on a spaceship. I laughed, but I'm so damn thankful. The first time my Space Girl saw the paintings was a memory I won't forget. It was like some tiny piece inside her settled into place. A piece of her I had not seen since before the divorce and when we moved. She acted less perfect and more like a kid who played. She still has a lot of the perfect habits, but it's more settled now. Just need to find a good emotional place where she can be perfect but also bend if that storm comes in like water.