crazy in love {completed}

chapter fourty-nine

~maddy lively~

I throw my pen onto my desk and bury my head in my hands letting out a frustrated groan, i accepted the offer from aunt Tate little did i know it would require me to speak at the funeral and its not like i can just message her now and say ' hey sorry i changed my mind about coming sorry have a good time'

no i cant do that.

i dont know what im going to say, because i really haven't got anything nice to say about that women since i only remember little snippets here and there of different memories from when i was younger and even then i was about six at the time. and its not even like any of my dads side are going its just my moms, and the only one who i ever really spoke to was aunt Tate hence why shes the one who messaged me.

a knock sounds at my door and i look at him contemplating whether to stay quite or to just some come in. i decide on option two incase its anything important. ''hello'' i say and the door creaks open Aliyah pops her head round and i smile at her.

''hello darling what are you up to?'' she questions shutting a door and sitting on the edge of my bed. i turn around in my desk chair so i can face her because i know she wants to talk. Aliyah dose this thing were she will come in and ask what im doing and then somehow hours go by and we just dont stop talking.

i contemplate telling her about what im actually doing before i think screw it im old enough to make my own decisions. 'im trying to write something to say at moms funeral'' i say getting frustrated by it again. i look at the pitiful look on Aliyah's face and i just shake my head, ''you dont need to be sad im fine'' i say turning back around to try and write at least a paragraph down. ''but your not handling this well'' she says making me turn back around.

''you haven't been sleeping because your getting night terrors again i hear you in the night kicking and screaming maddy its not good ive also noticed a lack in food digestion and i know your mood is changing a lot recently and i know you haven't been taking your meds before you try and sit here and lie to me'' she expresses her notices and i just sit there knowing shes right with all of them.

''honey i know i will never be able to replace your mom no matter how much i wished you where mine so you didn't have to go through all of that, but im here for you maddy i can help you when you need and if you ask me to do anything i will because i love you'' she rambles and i sit there still shocked but even more now that she told me she loved me. to be honesty i always knew she loved me or she would have neglected me but ive never needed to hear it more then right now.

the tears spring at my eyes and she signals for me to come over to her, i get up out of my chair and walk over to her. i let her wrap her loving arms around me and i just sob. the overwhelming feeling comes back and my throat tightens i think she notices my change in posture because she pulls back. ''take a few deep breaths for me sweetheart'' she says rubbing her finger up and down the inside of my arm tingles spread through me and i focus of the movement of her hands and the deep breaths she telling me to take. ''i dont know why im acting like this'' i say chocking out the question i need an answer to.

''honey you have been through a lot in your life, and with your mom being the source of it you will have some very deep emotions come through and especially when she died infront of you i dont know what was said between you two in those last couple of seconds but it must have been important for it to be affecting your life like this'' she says and i just keep breathing.

''i need to write something to say at her funeral but i dont know how to express my emotions with them coming across to harsh and revealing everything shes done to her family'' i say my gaze shooting back to my desk. ''i also need to go and check up on deigo today and then i need to see Lydia apparently she needs to talk to me then jay asked if we could go for coffee and i agreed but i really need to sort this out'' i say getting frustrated all over again.