Chances | Dazai X Reader

Thirty Four • ...Holding Me Down

"I had to carry you on my back after you first activated Corruption."

• • •

Chuuya's trying really hard not to smile at the memory alone, "I do remember." It's a faded memory, Chuuya himself was barely conscious when it happened but he remembers the feeling. "You looked like you were in a lot of pain," Dazai mumbles. He still feels bad about everything.

It's this weird situation for him, stuck between being selfish and doing what's best for one of his partners. "I mean, yeah, I guess I get pretty tired from it," Chuuya replies, fumbling with his sleeve as he keeps eye contact. "You were coughing blood that night, you can't say that you were only just tired, Chuuya," he says, and his voice is so stern.

He's being serious, Chuuya thinks. And whenever Dazai says Chuuya's name? Chuuya tries really hard not to jump. "That was different—" Chuuya tries explaining, but Dazai cuts him off mid sentence and what he said sounds so bad. "Because I almost killed you?" Dazai retorts, "That's why it was different." All Chuuya does is look at him in confusion because—

Why's he making it sound like that? "Dazai, I'm right here, and I'm alive," he says, trying to look into the one uncovered eye to find any sort of genuine answer because he knows that Dazai's going to say something that isn't real. "I know you are," Dazai starts, and the crack in his voice makes Chuuya want to hold him in his arms again, but this isn't one of those times. "I just can't let that happen again."

"I trust you, okay? And you know what?" Chuuya starts, remembering something he had forgotten to say that day in the hospital. "Even if I thought I was going to die in the hospital—" His throat tightens, and all of sudden it's hard to breathe, "I didn't think I was going to die when you nullified Corruption at first."

Dazai looks at him, a little confused—blame it on the fact that he drank before talking to Chuuya. "I mean," Chuuya tries again, "because you were there, I didn't think I was anywhere close to dying."

And Dazai has to pinch himself to acknowledge the fact that this is real. That it isn't a dream—because he's made up so many scenarios that sometimes, he doesn't realize what's real and what's not. Especially when he's talking to Chuuya about Corruption.

Dazai's having a hard time not to smile at that, and his mind hits him with images of the first time he saw Chuuya genuinely smile and he feels dizzy. Because when he first saw that happen—

He felt...

So glad that there was someone his age here. That he wasn't alone this whole time. That he had someone that he could maybe act his age with.

"Yeah?" Dazai questions smugly, making the whole conversation feel much lighter. "Yeah," Chuuya breathes out.

"I need to know how much time you need, Dazai," he explains, because they now need to figure out any of the boundaries that they need to add. "I don't know how long I need," Dazai replies, averting his eyes to the ceiling, "I just need as much as you're willing to give me."

Chuuya's heart throbs in his chest. Of course he'd give him all the time he needs. Even if he screwed up the last time—he knows not to do something like that again because Dazai just isn't ready for that mentally. And he already knows that Dazai struggles with that already, and he'd really rather not be another reason for it.

He wants to help him.

But he can't, not anymore.

He wanted to help him, but you've already made your way to it.

Dazai really can't say that he's fully better now, because he really isn't, but he's okay with saying that he might be making his way up.

Maybe.

"I'll give you as much as you need," Chuuya replies, smiling at the boy in front of him when Dazai looks back down. "Thank you," Dazai says, but Chuuya doesn't say anything back, he knows that Dazai can hear it.

"Can I hug you—" Chuuya blurts out, and he really, really wants to die on the spot. He wants to run away and hide forever, and he regrets saying that out loud.

"Sure."

What.

And Chuuya can't really say anything when he feels Dazai's arms wrapping around him, and he smiles because, this is almost exactly how it went when they had first done something like this.

Then, Chuuya's arms reciprocate the hug automatically and—

Is Dazai shaking?

"Oi, Dazai," Chuuya says, and it comes out more like a whisper, "why are you shaking?" His voice is filled with this huge amount of concern because Dazai doesn't reply. He only shakes harder against him, trying to hold onto something, anything, tighter so he can control himself.

Chuuya's hand rubs against Dazai's back to soothe him, it works a little. And Chuuya's trying to think of anything he can do since—

Dazai's panicking.

"I—" Dazai chokes, starting to pull away from Chuuya. "I'm sorry—"

When Chuuya realizes that him almost dying because of Corruption is now traumatic for Dazai—

He wants to cry for him, because now he is something Dazai's struggling with, and his heart has stopped. "Dazai? Are you okay?" Chuuya asks, because Dazai seems to be normal again. "Yeah," he replies easily.

Chuuya finds it terrifying.

"Dazai..." Chuuya starts, unsure of where he's trying to go with any of this, "what happened to you before we met..?" He already knows that Dazai won't even tell him, but it's worth a shot, right?

"I can't say much." Of course. "But," Dazai presses on, "my past is what's keeping me back, and I never want to let go of it either." Because he's scared of losing a part of him, a feeling that he's had with him for so long. He's not ready for that.

"That's sadly, just how I am."

A/N: no cause I was rereading my chapters for details and realized so many grammar mistakes