Chances | Dazai X Reader

Sixteen • There's This Weird Thing About Comfort

"Why does everything still hurt?"

• • •

Maybe he's just scared of the thought of getting better. He thinks, 'What if I don't want to get better.' Why wouldn't he want to get better? He doesn't know himself.

Maybe he's scared of the thought of having a reason to keep living through this hell they call life. This life that has brought him nothing but pain, confusion, and sorrow. A life where he does not feel human, a life where he has nothing to keep him going. Regardless of what happens during these years, he's repeatedly stabbed by a knife. There is no value in living, he thinks.

And it's nothing new to him, he's always thought this way, as if he was born to live a life with misery and bloodshed.

He doesn't deserve it. There's this voice deep back in his head telling him that, but he just cannot accept it. So he goes on with his day, a routine that he's meant to follow.

• • •

Quickly, he wraps the bandages around his eye again while slipping on his suit jacket.

He goes over to your room and knocks on the door lightly, awaiting for some sort of response. You hear the sound of faint knocking on your door, very slowly, you get up from the bed, walking over to see who came to your room.

"Slept well?" You ask him. "Obviously," He says, obviously not, he thinks. "Thank you for the suggestion, but I'm now here to see you," He lets himself in the room, taking a seat on the chair behind your desk. It's natural for you all to walk in whenever.

"Why?" You ask him, following him before sitting on the edge of the bed. "Do you have something important to talk about?"

Is it wrong to just want to spend time with you?

He takes a while to respond. "Dazai, are you okay?" You ask him, waving your hand in front of his face. He snaps out of his thoughts, looking into your eyes, "Yeah."

"Are you still thinking about Chuuya?"

Dazai looks to the floor, thinking of a proper reply that won't say too much, "Kind of."

You pat on the bed, telling him to get off the chair and sit next to you. He gets up hesitantly, slowly lowering himself onto the edge of the bed. "So," You start, turning to the side so you can look at him. "I know you haven't slept, and that you haven't slept properly in a while." He only slept properly when you and Chuuya stayed in his room anyway, so, you're not wrong.

"What do you want me to do?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at the statement. "You're sleeping here, simply put."

Why are you so caring?

"I don't- I've slept just fine, [Y/N]."

"No you have not, and you don't need to pretend like you did in front of me, okay?" You tell the man in front of you. Because you do genuinely care about him and Chuuya.

Why can't I hide things properly anymore?

He felt it at the hospital too, he could feel himself put off his act when he was talking to Chuuya, and he hates the idea of it.

"Lie down," You say, lying down yourself, hoping he'd follow your actions. He slowly falls back down with you, keeping his hands to his side. His head hits the pillows, allowing you to face each other, "Now I'm gonna need you to actually sleep."

He nods his head slightly, he doesn't actually want to sleep, but he can't find a way out of it now. He watches you as your eyes close, smiling softly as he looks at your [H/C] strands falling down on your face. He keeps his eyes on, trailing from your hair, then eyes, then nose, then lips.

Fuck.

He doesn't realize when you open your eyes, staring right back at him, "Dazai?" His eyes widen, "Yeah, uh sorry, I'll go to my room." He swallows, already getting up from the bed. He hurriedly walks back to his room.

He's mentally cursing himself out for letting himself get to such a state, but he just wanted to feel them against his own. He closes the door quickly, sitting on the edge of his own bed, grabbing pieces of his hair. He doesn't hear the door of his room open.

You walk around the room, "Is everything in this room yours?" And neither you or Dazai know where this random burst of confidence came from, but he's back to how he usually acts in a matter of seconds.

"Every single thing in this room is mine," He says as he gets up from the bed and walks towards you. "Everything that enters when I'm here."

It feels oddly nostalgic almost, the way he's just saying things without thinking them through.

"Really?" You played along, grinning at him.

"Yep," He says, making the sound of the 'p' pop. And Dazai may not show it, but his heart is pounding like crazy.

He brings his index finger and thumb to your chin, gently tilting it upwards. "Well then, maybe, you should claim everything in your room," You say, and God knows how you're even thinking of stuff like this. Maybe it's just for the sake of helping Dazai get his mind off things.

Fuck. Okay.

Dazai chuckles lightly, impressed by your boldness as he slowly leans in.

It's wrong.

You follow his actions, staring back at the uncovered dark chocolate like iris of his. Your lips hardly even touching, "This may be a bad idea." And fuck, Dazai's regretting saying that, but he just wants to feel your lips against his so bad that he doesn't care what happens after this. He's been thinking about it so much and he always thought it was weird because you were his friend, but he just couldn't help himself.

And if this is the way he's distracting himself..? So be it, but he's practically praying that this isn't some sort of distraction that'll wear out.

"That's...the best part of it," You murmur before brushing your lips against his.

Finally. It's wrong, but finally.

He sighs into the kiss as his hand travels to your neck, drawing circles onto your pulse, easing you down until your lips are parting against his. "I shouldn't be getting myself involved in something like this," He whispers every time either of you gasp for air.

Because he doesn't want to disappoint someone, anyone, again. He's merely scared of the thought of having someone there for him, having you there for him.

And this may just be a way to comfort the other between you two, the whole thought of what happened to Chuuya was enough for both of you, mostly Dazai, to feel terrible.

There's this weird thing about comfort, it happens in the most unexpected ways.

He pulls away after a while, eyes still closed as he tries to process what just happened.

"Thank you."

A/N: I fucking hate this chapter, I'm leaving.