Kare no Senshi (Levi Ackerman x Reader)

Chapter 58: Back To Me

Your P.O.V

"I miss her" I rested my head against the tree, looking to Levi as I did. "I couldn't bring myself to go, and now I regret it. She was the one who defended me against Floch that night. She made me feel better after I thought I betrayed you all" 

"Sasha was good at that, Don't get me wrong, I wish I could have gone too, but who would watch that damned ape if either of us did?" "I'm not sure" "Don't worry, I'm sure she wouldn't want you to sulk" 

"I know, but I can't help it" Looking away, my mind traveled to a few weeks ago when we arrived home after our raid on Liberio. 

3 weeks ago

"You tell her! You're her cousin!" "What? Why should it be me?" "Guy's we shouldn't be fighting, not over something like this" "Armin's right, I'll do it, it's obvious neither of you can do it" "Mikasa..." "No, it's alright" 

Opening my eyes, I looked to the kiddos, who were gathered in front of me. "What's wrong? Why do you all look like that?" "You're awake" "Welcome back" "Yeah, my mind is a bit more clear, who wants to direct me in Floch's direction?"

"We can't, that isn't important" "What do you mean? He snapped my neck and called me a traitor! I'm going to get that Son of a bitch back!" "(y/n) listen please" the desperate look behind Armin's eyes spoke volumes.

So I stopped pestering Jean and Connie and listened. "We have to tell you something" "Go on, I can take it" "Sasha, she died on the airship (y/n), a young girl came aboard the ship and shot her" 

Sasha was...

Sasha is...

I lied. I couldn't handle it. This was much worse than dying. I felt my heart break a little when those word's left Mikasa's mouth. Unlike Armin, Sasha was truly dead, she was gone, and no matter what I say it won't bring her back.

I wanted to cry, to sob my heart out but it was obvious the kiddos were hurting more than I was. So doing what any parent would, I pushed my guilt and tears down and embraced the four of them. It didn't take them long, but they were messes.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that, but the sound of snoring echoed throughout the room the same time Levi entered it. "They cried themselves to sleep" "They told you?" "Yeah" "Idiots, I told them to wait for me" 

"Don't be angry with them, they needed to cry, all of them, they won't be the same after this, what about Eren? Does he know?" "Yeah, and he laughed" "He what!?" "He laughed, he thought it was funny (y/n)" 

"No, I refuse to believe that!" "It doesn't matter, what does is the kiddos and you, speaking of, Jean told me what you did in Liberio" "I know, it looks bad" "No one is angry, we figured it was a flight or fight response, you did spend four years there" 

Is this what we're chalking it up as? My flight or fight response? How was I supposed to tell them that I saved Falco and Pieck because I loved them? I wasn't sure if I was a traitor or not, I still wasn't sure if I believed how I felt back in Liberio. 

Sasha died because of them, yet I find my mind wandering to whether Gabi and Falco were alright. I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore. I didn't want to think, I wanted to cry, to feel. I want to go back in time and stop myself from being taken

This is all my...

I was snapped out of my thought's when Levi flicked me in the head. "Stop it" "Stop what?" "The overthinking, we are all well aware of your feeling's, and I hate to tell you this, but it only gets harder, so stop self-loathing"

"I wasn't self-loathing" "Yes you were, I've known you for a long time (y/n), I know your faces so don't start that bullshit" "But..." "When did you become so weak?" "Excuse me?" "The old (y/n) would have snapped out of it by now" 

"I am not weak! I'm conflicted god damn it!" "Yeah? All of us are! But get over it and move on! I love you (y/n) and seeing you do this to yourself is killing me, so please, see the light at the end of the tunnel, because your survivor's guilt will eat you up if you don't!"

He was right, and I needed to suck it up. No more crying, double guessing, or self-loathing. It was time to become the old me, the me that didn't sulk, the me Levi fell in love with. 

Taking both my hands, I slapped myself as hard as I could. "Better?" "Much better" "You can cry you know" "I know, but not until it's all over, I'll cry then" "Alright" I gave Levi my best smile and returned my gaze to the kiddos. 

We'll make it out alive, and laugh, cry and joke when it's all done. 

Present

"Hey, you with me?" "Yeah? Why what's up?" "Seem's out esteemed guess wants a word with you, and you alone" "Huh? Why?" "Not sure, he just said he wanted to talk to you" "But do I have to? I can't kill him so what's the point?"

"Just go down there" "Fine" Rising from my spot, I descended into the forest, taking a seat in front of Zeke. "What can I do for you gorilla eyes? It seems while I was daydreaming you requested to see me, if it's about my time in Marley that is a taboo subject and I will not disclose a single thought with you" 

"Wait..." "Nope, I'm not done! I will also not apologize for not telling you my memories weren't back! See I recently learned you killed one of my best friends four years ago and I have nothing but pure rage left, which I will not hesitate to use against you" 

"But..." "Nope, still not done! I will feed you to someone else if you so much as make a move! So continue to behave like the good little monkey you have been" "Done now?" "Yep, you're free to speak"

"Thank's I suppose, I just wanted to ask, how much wine did your comrades drink?" "I dunno, all of it I think" "Good to know" "Why did you want to know?" "Oh because I tainted it with my spinal fluid, entertain me and I won't turn them into pure titans"

I was dumbfounded by my recent discovery. Zeke tainted the wine and my comrades were at risk. It put me in a tough position, so I had no choice but to humor the damn gorilla.