(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Heart aching moments

A/N: This is super long so bank in sometime to read it! Word Count 11,544.

Monday morning dawned entirely too soon, they both thought as they enjoyed the warmth of each other's embrace. The sun would be rising on the late side of the morning, yet the lingering darkness, unbeknownst to them and albeit momentarily, a reflection of the next several days ahead.

Meredith and Derek had managed to overcome, or at the very least deal with, most of the issues that had precipitated their last and final breakup. However, years of doubts and insecurities were not easily forgotten, and old patterns of behavior and survival based on avoidance would at times make an unwelcome appearance.

The always blaring and intruding sound of the alarm clock had her groaning, "I don't want to get up. I want to stay here," she said and pressed her naked butt against him, "with my husband," she smiled a bit wickedly, knowing the effect she was having on him.

He leaned over her and shut the alarm off, and nuzzled her neck, "I want to stay here too," he teased, attempting not to laugh at her taunting, and knowing full well they had enough time before having to get to work, bit her neck playfully, "but, we kind of have jobs to do, lives to save."

"I thought you said I could stay home if I wanted to, that I didn't have to work..."

"Uhmmm...you want to be a housewife," he said, as he caressed the length of her body. "I thought that was about being a stay at home mom, but if you want to stay home now...that's ok with me," he continued to tease her, "that will give you enough time to take cooking lessons ...or baking, since you were most worried about baking cookies and cupcakes for the kids to take to school, so that gives you plenty of time to learn, if...you get started now..."

"Ass," she said, and shifted her body so that his covered hers completely, as she lay under him.

"But," he pouted, "do you still love me?"

"I guess..." she rolled her eyes.

"You guess," he said, going along with the playful banter as his desire for her was becoming more evident, "is there anything I can do...to make sure?"

"I think," she giggled, "what you're doing is exactly," she reached for him, "what I had in mind," and set out to show him how very much she loved him.

"Meredith," he said softly nudging her awake, "we're at the hospital."

"We're what?" she said, looking around sleepily.

"You fell asleep on me again," he smiled and leaned over to kiss her. "My mute, commute partner," he tried to make a joke.

"That is so lame," she laughed. "But, I am sorry I fell asleep. Your driving seems to do that to me."

"Uhmmm...I can think of times when you were wide awake while ..." he laughed, "going along for a ride with me."

"Don't forget it," she laughed, "those are quite memorable..."

"Undoubtedly," he said, and got out of the car and walked around to open her door, and leaned in to kiss her.

"Derek," she smiled upon his lips. "Want to take me for a ride again tonight?"

"Break it up," they heard, and indeed broke away from their kiss. "Wasn't a weekend enough for you two? What is it with you and parked cars," she said enjoying their obvious discomfort at the reference of how she'd first found them, it was good she thought, to still hold that over their heads. "This is a hospital parking lot, not a movie drive-through."

"Ah...Miranda," Derek joked, "you're dating yourself."

"I didn't say I'd been to one of them," she retorted, "just that this isn't one of them," she actually joked, as Meredith got out of the car and the three continued talking as they walked through the doors of Seattle Grace together, "Tuck loved the fishing pole," she said, "not that he knows what to do with it," she glared at Derek, "but he knows it involves fish, and he keeps asking "fish momma...till I want to scream, so you're going to have to take him I guess..."

"Seriously," Derek said excitedly, "you're going to let me take him fishing?"

"Yes...but, you damn well better keep an eye on him, because if anything happens to him."

"Miranda, I have fourteen nieces and nephews, I can handle an almost two year old."

"Yeah...we'll see about that. Grey, whenever this happens, you need to be there."

"Me...what...I don't know about kids...or fishing."

"Well, figure it out...because you bought him a fishing pole," Miranda teased her.

"But, Dr. Bailey...I mean..." Meredith protested.

"It's not brain surgery, Grey, you'll figure it out," she said and walked away with a smirk on her face. It was going to be fun watching those two fishing with Tuck , she almost snorted out loud, they were crazy, if they thought she would leave them with him alone in the woods.

Monday had begun much like any other work day and they found stolen moments together during the day. Later they joined their friends for dinner at Joe's and drove home together, ending the evening making love and sleeping soundly in each other's arms.

Tuesday was a different story. Had they been really paying attention to the other, they might have avoided some of the unexpected tension, and understood that avoidance, even with the good intentions of sparing the other emotional pain, was not what they had promised each other. Derek had an early morning surgery. Her shift did not start until ten and she had an appointment with Dr. Wyatt that evening, one she had inadvertently forgotten to let Derek know had been rescheduled.

Derek heard the front door and walked to the foyer to meet her, "hey, I was worried about you," he kissed the top of her head, and put his arm around her, "is everything ok? You didn't respond to my text messages."

"Oh...I'm sorry," she said, "I forgot to switch my phone back to vibrate."

"What's wrong Meredith?"

"Nothing."

"Meredith..."

"Nothing's wrong," she said, and turned to him and brushed her lips against his, and continued walking to the kitchen. "You have not eaten?" she asked as she saw two place settings at the table.

"I was waiting for you."

"I'm sorry, you knew I'd be late, I wasn't expecting you to wait for me."

"I didn't know you'd be late."

"What?" she said distractedly, and poured herself a glass of wine from the already opened bottle on the table.

"Meredith," he was at her side and turned her around to look at him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she avoided his eyes, "let's eat."

"I'm not very hungry," he said suddenly disappointed in her attitude, and turned away from her. "I've got some research to do, a case that came in today. I'll see you in the morning."

When his words registered, he had already walked out of the kitchen.

"Derek," she said softly, as she stood beside the couch and looked down at him, "I'm sorry."

"Whatever for," he replied without looking up from the laptop screen.

"I love you Derek," she said as she sat facing him, "I've had a rough day."

"I figured that, but if you don't want to talk to me, I'm not going to force you."

"My appointment ran late, I should have called you."

"What appointment?"

"Dr. Wyatt."

"You didn't tell me," he said, his surliness now turned to concern, "or I would have been there when you finished."

"I sent you a text," she said, "earlier today, to tell you it was rescheduled."

"Didn't get it," he said. "You're obviously upset about it, how did it go?"

"Uhmm...it...just brought a lot of things...emotions...my mother," she said, and leaned in to him, laying her head on his chest, "not great."

"Can I help?" he soothed now, kissing the top of her head.

"You already are," she said and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Please have dinner with me," she said quietly, and felt his lips on her temple before they got up and walked to the kitchen, where they ate the meal he'd prepared and exchanged small talk, and she grabbed her phone to show him the text message when she realized she'd started to write but had been saved as a draft, as it had been right when she'd been paged with a 911.

They both got ready for bed, and when she joined him, he reached for her and simply held her. "I'm here," he said, "when you're ready to talk. I won't push you tonight, but we'll have to talk about it."

"I know," she said as she snuggled up to him, "but not tonight."

"That's ok," he said, and held her closer.

"Derek," she said several minutes later. "We really screwed up tonight."

"Yeah..." he sighed, "we did."

"I love you," she said and found his lips, "I really thought I'd sent that message."

"It's ok," he said, "I could have acted a little more mature, instead of walking out of the kitchen."

"We're ok?" she asked hesitantly.

"We're ok," he said and kissed her softly. "I love you Meredith."

"Me too," she said, and frowned slightly, an action he did not miss.

"Meredith..."

She gave him a half smile, one that did not reach her eyes, and she turned on her side, and he allowed her the emotional distance she obviously needed, but brought her body close to his and spooned her. "I'll be fine," she said quietly. "Just hold me."

"As long as you want," he said, and nuzzled her neck, kissing her softly, and for the first time since they were married, with the exception of the two nights of her forty eight hour shift, neither initiated lovemaking as they lay in the darkened room in silence, until she could no longer stand the emotional distance between them.

"Derek," she whispered, "are you sleeping?"

"No," he said, his voice hoarse in the attempt to hide the sadness he'd been feeling as she lay in his arms, emotionally distant for the first time since they'd been married.

"I need you," she said softly, and then a half broken sob, "I need you so much."

He shifted her body in his arms and met her gaze, "I'm here...whenever you need me...I'm here," he said, and softly pressed his lips against hers, and the taste of her tears were on both their lips.

"We really messed up Derek," she cried softly, "we didn't keep our promise...not to let the other turn away..."

"We did..." he admitted, "but you know...here we are...talking about it now, just a few hours after it happened, not days or weeks...so, we're doing better...much better," he said, "do you want to talk about it now? About what happened?"

"Is it ok," she said, "if we know...we know we have to talk...but not tonight, please...not tonight...it was all about my mother, and I'm not ready to talk about it...not all of it, but I will..."

"We can wait," he said, and kissed her gently.

"Derek," she said, as she entwined their fingers, "next time...my next appointment...will you come with me...be there...for the rest of it?"

"Of course," he said, and embraced her, murmuring words of love and comfort, "if that's what you want."

"It is," she said, "so I don't have to talk about it twice."

"I'll be there," he said and held her close, until her lips found his and then with utmost tenderness he made love to his wife. Each touch and caress matched by whispered words that brought her healing. However, her next appointment was not for another week, and it was impossible to escape the effects of the session, and Meredith's heightened sense of vulnerability.

Wednesday, Meredith was in surgery during Kelly's appointment almost one month from the date of her surgery, and Derek was partially relieved only he had to deal with the equally significant date approaching. They saw each other briefly before he went home, and spent a little time together before her patient was rushed to a second surgery, and at the chief's request that she monitor the patient, an old colleague of his, she was forced to spend the night at the hospital. The first night they spent away from each other in over a month.

She wanted Derek. He craved being with her. But neither spoke of their feelings, waiting for the other to say something. These tenuous misunderstandings would bring to the surface emotions he'd allowed to remain silent in the hopes of making things easier for her. The only purpose in mind her happiness, but instead avoidance triumphed.

Avoidance of his sadness when she'd turned away from him the night before, even when they'd talked about it, but she remained reserved about her feelings; avoidance of his grief after seeing Kelly and the inevitable reminders of their loss; avoidance of the heartbreaking moment he experienced when his sister sent the latest sonogram of his godchild; avoidance of the promise they had made each other to be there when the other faltered, especially when one may be holding the other at bay, as insecurities seemingly threatened their progress.

Derek met up with her early the next morning, and pulled her into a small examining room. "Did you get any sleep last night," he asked after he kissed her lips softly.

"Not really," she said leaning in to him for support, "not sure the patient's going to make it. He's a good friend of the chief's, so there was that extra pressure."

"You've been here almost twenty four hours," he said, "did you eat?"

"I grabbed a salad last night," she said, and looked up at him. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, why?"

"You never called me last night."

"Neither did you," he accused without meaning to. The truth was, Meredith was dealing with things as they arose, not waiting for misunderstandings to become bigger issues, but Derek was the one apparently holding back now.

"Ok..." she said, stepping away from him, "I hate this. Really hate this," she said, "after spending a wonderful weekend together, suddenly, we have all these misunderstandings, and I don't know why Derek...and you say I avoid...but something's going on with you...and you're not being honest with me...and you said...you promised you would," she said, "and...you promised..."

"So did you," he said, and she could see the wall, in the reflection of his eyes, the blue turned light, almost as light as grey impenetrable steel.

"Fine," she said, "be that way...go ahead and brood and...fine," she said and started to turn from him, when he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms.

"Yesterday was a bad day," he said, "I'm sorry...I should have been here last night, but I couldn't."

"You didn't want to," she said, "that's different."

"I couldn't," he repeated. "I didn't want to drag you down," he said and met her gaze.

"Derek," she said softly, her hand reaching up to caress his face, "we can't do that. It's those times, when we really need to be there for each other."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"The truth?" she said.

"Yes."

"I kept hoping you'd show up," she said, "like you have been doing, but I didn't want to ask," she tried to lighten the mood, "you know, have you add clingy to that list you have."

"We'd already talked about the need to finish the conversation about your session, but I didn't want to push you," he smiled apologetically, "and have you add annoying to that list you have of me..."

"We are two very stupid..."

"Brainless and lonely...unnecessarily," he said, and pulled her into his arms.

"Why did you have a bad day," she asked as she ran her hands, slowly, soothingly caressing him, up and down his back.

"Work," he said with a sigh, and again in an attempt to spare her, shared only half truths, "and I told you, Jenna was in one of her moods yesterday, nagging me about us coming home, and planning a family celebration," he said, hoping somehow he'd get to explain to her why he erased her email, before she realized it, and that she would understand he did not want her to see it at work. If his reaction of grief was an indication, he did not want her to deal with that alone or at the hospital.

In the few minutes they'd spent together the evening before, he'd managed to erase Jenna's email from her blackberry. He'd asked for her phone, using the excuse of recording his sisters' numbers, but he knew Jenna's email would still be on her regular account, and truly did want to spare her the feelings he'd gone through when he read it. An email that had evoked in him overwhelming sadness, as Jenna had sent them the latest sonogram of his godchild, and went on to tell them, all his sisters really, as they were all copied, how worried she'd been she could actually be having twins because she was so much larger than her previous pregnancies. But, that it had all been miscalculations, and she was actually about three weeks further along than they had anticipated. The news and the images of her perfectly formed baby, on the brink of the month since Meredith's miscarriage had contributed to his somewhat irrational behavior, as he kept his own emotions tightly repressed.

They were very careful in respecting each other's privacy, though he'd given her his password to get in his computer, she'd never abuse it; and he knew in erasing that one email from her blackberry, he'd breached her trust. But, his concern for her emotional well being overrode his guilt, and he knew he would talk to her about it.

"There's more," she stated, as she saw the various emotions reflected on his face. "Let me know when you're going to let me in on it. When you're going to talk to me about it."

Fate was not cooperating, as they were interrupted by her pager, or perhaps, it was fated that things unfold as they were. Because, in spite of, or perhaps because of this looming misunderstanding about to be unleashed, exactly one month after their heartbreaking loss, the course for dealing with all of life's unexpected curve balls would be set, irrevocably serving to strengthen the bonds between them, and yet another layer would be added as two hearts, no longer as broken, continued on their journey of healing.

Derek was in surgery when she slipped into the gallery, and pressed the intercom.
"Dr. Shepherd," she said, at a moment during the procedure when she knew it would be acceptable to interrupt, and uncaring of their audience, spoke to her husband. "I'm off the schedule for the rest of the day. I emailed you the information you needed about the case we discussed."

Derek nodded, and they exchanged smiles, even if she couldn't see his, she could see it in his eyes, and he continued his surgery while she stayed a few more minutes before going home. He called her after the surgery, he'd been smiling at her message, but the news got worse, the chief of staff at Mercy West had called Richard requesting Derek for a complicated surgery, where he would ultimately spend most of the night. But, around nine that night, Meredith surprised him by showing up at the hospital.

Derek had just walked out of the OR and was making entries on the chart, when he felt her presence and turned to meet her gaze, her smile as she walked to bridge the distance between them. "You're here..." he sighed, and embraced her.

"I am," she said, holding him close to her.

"Are you ok?" he asked, as he kissed her temple.

"I am now," she said, as he reached for her hand, and walked to a small private room.

"I love you," he said, before he kissed her, both consumed by their need of each other.

"I love you Derek," she said, as he held her.

"I'm stuck here till we see how the patient responds."

"I know," she told him, "I just didn't want another night when I didn't get to kiss my husband good night. I can stay...if you want."

"They called in all their personnel last night, flew in several critical trauma cases; mine was just one more situation to add to the chaos. Don't think will find an empty on call room, but we can try, so you can get some rest. But, as much as I love that you're here, I'd rather you get some rest at home, and no," he said, before she could misinterpret his meaning, "it's not that I don't want you here, it's that I would rather try to get home as soon as I can."

"Derek, I'm not the one jumping to conclusions lately," she teased, "using all quotas in one day..."

"Uhmmm..." he smiled, "not sure if that's quite right, but I will make it up to you."

"Yes..." she agreed, and kissed him, "you should. I'll see you at home," she said, and walked with him holding hands to her car where he kissed her good night.

Derek walked in the door as Meredith was getting ready to leave for the hospital.

"Hey," he said, "why are you up so early?"

"The eighty hour week, my schedule changed since I had to stay more than twenty four hours one day this week, so now the rest of the week changed, I'm in at four," she said, and walked into his arms.

"This week's been a bitch," he said.

"Yeah..."she agreed, "it still is..."

"You ok?" he said, treading carefully.

"Yeah...you?"

"Tired, but...patient's going to be ok. I'll have to go over there later today, but after that, their head of neuro, who was on another case, will take over his care."

"I'll see you at the hospital," she said looking softly at him, "find me?"

"I'll be in around ten," he said, "call me, if you need anything," he said, as both avoided, for the time being, dealing with the significance of this day, and they kissed goodbye.

The day could not have been worse, or the timing more horrible for Meredith's emotional state. Early into the morning hours a two car accident came in, four passengers in one car with various degrees of injuries, all caused by a third car that fled the scene; the condition of the passengers in the second car were devastating for Meredith, as she was the one to meet the incoming case, a critically injured woman, unconscious and nine months pregnant, her husband bloody and hysterical as they were able to finally understand he'd been driving her to the hospital as her labor had began when a car had hit the passenger side of the door.

Meredith wanted to run away screaming, why of all days did this have to happen on her watch. The woman was critical and the baby was in distress. Meredith shut down all emotions, and went on auto pilot as they rushed her to surgery. The baby, thankfully a healthy boy, was delivered immediately. Meredith and the rest of the team remained working on the mother's critical injuries. Hours later, the woman had not yet woken up; the husband's injuries had been minor in comparison, a broken arm and couple of cracked ribs, but had refused treatment until his wife was out of danger, until finally Callie convinced him to care for his injuries and the bone in his arm was reset and placed in a cast. He, however, reacted by refusing to see the baby until his wife could.

Meredith stood at the nursery window, holding all her emotions in check, watching the hours old baby boy with no name. "Mer," Alex saw her and went to stand by her, "are you ok?"

"Yeah," she said, snapping out of her increasingly darkened thoughts.

"Should you be here?" He asked, as he'd noticed the glimmer of tears in her eyes.

"Delivered that baby this morning, the mother's critical."

"You were in early today," he said, "have you had breakfast?"

"Did Derek put you up to this?" she tried to joke.

"No, but I know you," he said. "Mer, we should go."

"I will, later," she said, "I have a few minutes. They're so innocent, and for some...even their arrival is tragic...it's not fair."

"Let's go," Alex insisted. "I'll buy you breakfast."

"Thanks Alex, but I'll eat something later," she said as she continued to stand in front of the nursery window.

"Karev," Derek said, "you paged."

"Have you seen Mer? I think something's wrong. Thought you should know, she was by the nursery window earlier, and she'd been crying. But, even when I told her I'd buy her a late breakfast, she stayed."

"Thanks Alex," Derek said, now more concerned than he'd been earlier, "I'll find her."

"Ok," Alex said, "but...don't wait too long."

"I won't. Alex," Derek said, "it's a rough day for her today, it's been a month since she had the miscarriage."

"Dude, that sucks...I'll try to distract her...when I see her later, behave like a jerk...like she'd expect from me."

"Be a friend, you mean," Derek said, "that's what you are to her, and Alex, you're her family."

"Yeah..." Alex said. "Dr... I mean, Derek, I'm sorry, I know it's not an easy day for you either."

"Thanks," Derek said, and walked away to find his wife. It, however, was not meant to happen, as she was scheduled for another surgery and it would be hours before they saw each other again. Derek was extremely frustrated by the time he actually met up with her, and none too happy to find her in the nursery.