(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Heartache

Derek silenced the alarm before it had a chance to go off, and held her in his arms as long as he could without waking her.

"Meredith," he whispered softly, "time to get up."

"Don't want to..."

"Neither do I, but you have to be at the hospital at eight."

"Wish I could stay in bed all day, Derek, I don't want to go to work today, I think, that's what I should do...stay home, in bed all day."

"Ok, we can do that," he said, humoring her and kissing her lightly on the lips, and holding her in his embrace.

"You're humoring me...don't lie to me."

"Just being supportive."

"I have to get up, I know."

"I'll fix you breakfast, and I'll drive you to the hospital."

"But, you're not working today."

"No, but you are, and I'm going to drive you, and I can do some work before your doctor's appointment."

"I need to get up now...baby Shep is insisting."

"What does baby Shep want for breakfast," he asked as she got up.

"Anything, except Muesli."

"That's what you should have...start off the day with a healthy breakfast."

She came around his side of the bed, "Shepherd," she said, "don't push it," and kissed him.

"Good morning, Mama Bear..."

"You just better make sure...Derek, damn sure...I don't find out there's more bears on that island than you are letting on."

"Do you think, I'd do anything to put you or our kids in danger, Meredith, seriously?"

"No," she smiled, and kissed him, and pushed him back to lay on the pillows "and "Derek..."

"Yes..." he said pulling her down on top of him.

"If I'm Mama Bear...and we have baby bear, doesn't that make you...Papa Bear," she said as he captured her lips and rolled her on to her back.

"I guess it does..." he laughed, "and Papa Bear would never let anything happen to his cubs...so Mama Bear has nothing to worry about when they build their house."

"I love you Derek."

"I love you too...both of you..." he said, and helped her get out of bed.

Meredith had a quick shower and breakfast, and they made it to the hospital before her eight o'clock briefing, and when she was done stopped by the nurse's station around nine.

"Morning ladies," she said, "have you seen Dr. Sloan, he owes me..."

"Owe you what Grey..." he said as he handed her a cup, and winked at her.

"This was it...I was especially looking forward to it this morning..." she smiled.

"Mer," he leaned close to her, "you know it's not coffee...it's chocolate."

"I know...I've been craving it since I got up this morning."

"Good morning Dr. Grey...Dr. Sloan..."

"Lisette, this is especially for you," he said handing her a cup of chocolate, "I owed Grey her coffee this morning, and she told me I should get you this."

"Thank you Dr. Sloan, that was very nice of you...thank you Dr. Grey, I really have been craving chocolate all morning, it really does wonders to fight off my morning sickness."

"Ok, something is wrong here. We know...why Tracy gets special treatment, but what are Steph and I chopped liver?"

"Amy Lynn, get pregnant, I'll bring you chocolate too," he teased her, while handing her the bag in his hand with three other cups of coffee.

"Bite you tongue, Dr. Sloan...and thank you for the coffee.

"Dr. Sloan, you really don't have to worry about getting us coffee, just because Tracy gets special treatment," Stephanie joked with him.

"Steph, don't let him off the hook so easily," Amy Lynn commented, "though, I really am just teasing, you don't need to get us coffee. But, speaking of special attention, where is Tracy, haven't seen since before you got here...or is that the reason you got here first," she taunted.

"You'll have to ask her...here she comes."

"What do you have to ask me?"

"Where the hell you've been for the last 30 minutes, but given the grin on Dr. Sloan's face, and the smile on yours..."

"Jealous Amy Lynn..." she answered.

"Damn right, I am..." she laughed, "just don't tell my husband."

"You, are the biggest flirt and tease, I've ever met," Mark told her.

"Wrong..." Meredith laughed, "that would be you!"

"Ok. I stand corrected," he laughed, and winked at Tracy, "have a good day, ladies, oh, wait, here comes Grey's better half."

"Morning ladies. Hey, how's your day going," he asked as he kissed her.

"Good...you?"

"Waiting for ten o'clock..." he said, taking her cup out of her hand and took a sip and smiled.

"Good choice Mark, I see you brought her what she wanted."

"I aim to please...just ask...Tracy about dessert last night."

"Mark Sloan, you are no gentleman, and that is not nice at all," Meredith told him, "Tracy, just ignore him, you don't have to answer that."

"It's ok, Dr. Grey, he needs an ego boost, because after his second helping, well..."

"Oh...you...are surely joking...you ..."

"But, I told him, he's welcome to come by again tonight, maybe we'll try another dessert he enjoys better."

"There's always...other options....for dessert that is..." Mark told Tracy.

"You go right ahead and find that..." she answered coolly.

"I'll see you at eight," he said quietly, "we'll have to repeat the third and fourth..."

"I may even include dinner and dessert tonight, I hope your ego wasn't bruised...the third and fourth helpings were ...well, I think I showed my appreciation last night..."

"You certainly did."

"Ok...we've heard more than needed, Meredith, do you have a few minutes," Derek asked and pulled her away.

"Derek, he is incorrigible," she laughed, "and she's not letting him get away with any crap, I love it."

"Don't even think about it...no matchmaking..."

"Let's just see what they do on their own..."

"Oh, please don't put that image in my head," he said, and felt a gentle punch on his arm.

"That's not what I meant," she laughed, "get your mind out of the gutter."

"Not for long...tonight...we should be able to ... make up for lost time."

"We should," she said, "and I can't wait... what did you want to talk to me about?"

"I didn't," he said and opened the door to a supply closet.

"Derek, we just said..." she started, and he silenced her with a kiss.

"I just wanted to kiss you...and hold you, and tell you I love you."

"Oh..." she said breathlessly, "do that anytime..." and kissed him again, "now I have to go, since I have to take time for my doctor's appointment...I'll see you there."

They walked out of the room holding hands, and he kissed her lips before walking away.

It was almost ten o'clock when she came across Cristina and Lexie. "Mer, where have you been hiding? You were out of here early yesterday."

"Hi Cristina, something came up...and Derek's sister was coming over for dinner. I'll see you later, I'm running late for a consult," she smiled at Lexie, and mouthed, "see you afterwards."

Derek was waiting outside the doctor's office. "Hey, everything ok," he asked, holding her in a hug, and kissing her temple.

"Yes, but I'm nervous."

"I'm a little nervous too."

"You are?"

"I am...it's our first baby...and we're not doctor's right now...just excited parents."

"Oh my God, Derek...parents...we really are...that's what we're going to be, I had not thought about it, I mean, yes, the baby...and I'm pregnant, but it's forever...parents, and we have so much to learn, and I'm not good at this, I'm sure I'm not..."

"Breathe," he said, and when she did, he kissed her. "Let's go, Mama Bear..."

"I was here yesterday," she said to the receptionist, "and..."

"Yes, Jenna said to call her right away, so you did not have to wait, give me a second."

"Thank you," she said, as she fidgeted with her watch, and Derek reached out to hold her hand and led her to a seat.

"Meredith," he said, trying to distract her, "have you given any idea to what kind of fence you want around the house?"

"What?"

"The fence, for the house...on the cliff," he smiled at her.

"You're trying to distract me..."

"How am I doing?"

"Not sure I can think about that now, but you're lucky I'm not jealous..."

"Oh...why?"

"Those two women over there, they haven't taken their eyes off you..."

"Really," he smiled, "but you know you're the only one that matters to me..."

"I actually do know that...and you're very lucky, because if hormones and jealousy were bad yesterday," she smiled, "can you imagine those two combined from me?"

"It might be interesting..." he said as he gently caressed her hand with this thumb.

"Dr. Grey, you can go right in," the receptionist told her, and pointed to the door.

"Thank you," she said as they both got up and followed to an examining room.

"Dr. Grey, good morning, how are you feeling today?"

"Better, thank you, this is Dr. Shepherd."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Cameron is going to be with you in a few minutes, meanwhile Dr. Grey...we need you to change into this gown."

"Thank you, we do appreciate that you were able to fit Meredith in today."

"You're welcome, I was glad to help. I'm Jenna, if you need anything."

"That's my sister's name, she also happens to be pregnant, has two kids already, and now another one, sort of around the same time, we think around the same time," he rambled.

"I've my hands full with two for now..." she smiled, "go ahead and change Dr. Grey, we'll be back in a few minutes."

"Derek, you just rambled or babbled, I think..." Meredith smiled.

"Well, I admit, I'm nervous."

"Derek...

"Uhmmm..." he said and held her.

"I'm scared."

"Shhh...go ahead and change, and let's not get ahead of ourselves."

There was a light knock at the door a few minutes later before Jenna and the doctor walked in, and found Meredith sitting on the examining table, with Derek standing next to her.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepherd, I'm Mike Cameron" he said, extending his hand to each of them, "I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday, but Jenna filled me in on your visit, and I've already reviewed your file."

"Thank you...thank you for seeing me so quickly," Meredith told him, "I was really concerned yesterday, and even though I'm a doctor, I feel like I should know so much more about this, and I don't...and I was kind of a nervous wreck..."

"Let me put you a little at ease...this, I understand is your first pregnancy..."

"Yes."

"Even if you are a doctor, both of you are...right now, you're going to be parents...for the first time...I mean, Dr. Shepherd, do you have other children?"

"No, this is our first child."

"So, you have medical knowledge, but this is not your area of expertise, and believe me, when I had my first child, my wife, who is also a doctor, a pediatrician in fact, and I felt like complete amateurs."

"That's a bit reassuring, since that's the way we've been feeling..." Derek commented.

"It's perfectly normal, so right now, what I need is for Meredith to tell me what's been going on. But first, let me tell you, on this first visit, I normally do a full check up, just like an annual visit in, and we take it from there."

Meredith held Derek's hand and started with the reason for the visit the day before, how she had been feeling and the spotting and cramping and symptoms that led to buying a pregnancy test, and subsequent lab work and the dizziness again last night.

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm going to ask that you wait outside," he said, and saw the look exchanged between Meredith and Derek, "that is normal, I like to do a regular check up, and as soon as I'm done, I'll ask you to come back in, and we'll discuss the issues related to the pregnancy, you can wait right outside, it's not going to take long."

"It's fine," Meredith told him.

When Derek was outside, Dr. Cameron discussed the exam with her, "we always do this on the first visit, and you'd be surprised how many women in the medical field ignore the basics of preventive medicine, so we start with a breast exam, do you normally do a monthly self exam?"

"Yes, and annual check up," she answered while he continued with the rest of the examination.

"Meredith, is it ok to call you by your first name, I normally do with all patients."

"Yes, of course."

"Jenna, why don't you call Dr. Shepherd back in."

Derek looked more nervous than Meredith, when he came in and went to stand by her side, and kissed her forehead.

"Dr. Shepherd, I was just telling Meredith, everything looks fine as far as her regular check up, her blood pressure is good, and we'll get her test results back in a few days. Now we can talk about the pregnancy, and you both need to feel free to ask me any questions."

"Ok," Derek answered.

"During the first visit, we normally don't do an ultrasound, but since Meredith has been concerned about her symptoms, we're going to do one today, which will give us a look at how the baby is developing...and hopefully put her at ease."

"You ...you said...hopefully..." Meredith said quietly, and reached for Derek's hand.

"Just a figure of speech...but, I reviewed the lab work, and since you're pretty certain you're about seven weeks along, I want to get a definitive answer, and the transvaginal ultrasound will give us that."

"You...you....think there's something wrong," she said, and Derek saw the glimmer of tears and fear in her eyes.

"I want to make sure there is nothing wrong, and that's what we're doing today."

"Derek," she whimpered, squeezing his hand, "I...I'm..."

"I'm here...it will be ok," he said trying to reassure her and himself, and kissed her lips softly.

"I'm sure you've both seen these, we use the probe and it's covered with a condom," he said as he did so, and covered it with gel.


Derek kissed Meredith's forehead, and whispered, "I'm jealous...that probe's closer to you than I've been in weeks," and got her to smile.

"Meredith, this should not cause any discomfort, tell me if it does, and it's possible in the next day or two you could see some spotting, which would be normal, but I want you to let me know if it happens. Look at the monitor, we should see your baby...and Jenna is going to take some measurements of the sac, and will compare them again if we have any doubts about how far along you are."

"Any questions?"

"No," they both answered.

"Ok...let's look for Baby...is it Grey or Shepherd?"

"Shepherd," she answered, smiling at Derek.

"There you are...there's Baby Shepherd," he said pointing to the screen, "we certainly have a baby...and if you look closely," he said, but neither was paying attention to him, as their eyes focused on the screen and their eyes filled with tears.

"Derek," she said, "it's our ...our baby..."

"It is...baby bear" he smiled, and kissed her quickly and focused back on the screen.

"Baby Shep, Derek...he's or she's...real..."

"Meredith, I think, you're probably right about the seven weeks...getting closer to eight now...and listen..."

"Derek," she whimpered, "listen...it's the heartbeat...Derek, our baby's heartbeat," she cried.

"Our baby's heartbeat," he said, completely amazed by the sound and image on the screen.

"If you look closely," Dr. Cameron told them, "this is the head..." and pointing out each detail, continued, "the tailbone, heart bulge...these small nubs are the arms starting to develop..."

"What...what's the heart rate?" Derek asked.

"About 112..."

Derek looked at him with concern, but did not voice it.


"Dr. Cameron, can you...can we take a picture, I know you can with the abdominal, but not sure...if with this..."

"Of course we can...we can have a picture," he said.

"Can...can you print two," she said.

"Yes, we can. I'm going to give you a few minutes to get dressed, and then I'll..."

"Can...can I just look ...look at our baby...a few more seconds," she asked.

"Baby looks just about as old as his mom expected," he said, and let them look at the screen a little longer before completing the examination. "I'll see you in my office."

Derek and Meredith were left alone, and she sat up, and reached for him, and cried into his shoulder, "hey, you're supposed to be happy," he murmured, "but I can hear sadness in those tears," he said as he soothed her while caressing her back.

"Did you see Derek...our baby...how baby Shep is growing...little hands Derek...starting to form...and the heartbeat..." she said, and took a deep breath, "our unexpected baby....Derek, I love our baby so much...already...and..." she cried harder.

"Meredith, why are you crying, it's not happy tears..."

"They are, I'm happy...I am...but....but..." she hiccupped, "I think...Derek...I think...there's something wrong."

"We're going to talk to Dr. Cameron now, and you can ask him all your questions, but let's not think about something being wrong...ok...we just saw our baby...Meredith...a tiny little life we created...and I love our baby...very much...just as I love his Mom...more than I ever thought I could love someone..." he said, and tears filled his eyes.

"Derek...my gift," she said, touching the hearts on her necklace, "it was the most perfect gift you could have ever given me...and now...having heard the heart beat, this little heart...I will treasure this moment forever...but Derek...our baby...our surprise baby...that's the best gift...just when I thought...that...that...maybe we...it was over...our baby, Derek...our baby...just priceless."

"I love you Meredith...I our baby bear...and we can think of our baby...as our gift to each other..." he said full of emotion.

"I love you Derek...and baby Shep..." she said, as he held her a little longer, before they went to speak with Dr. Cameron.

"Meredith, Dr. Shepherd, as first time parents, you worry about a lot of things, there's lots of question, and I want you to know, I'm here to answer any of them, at any time. Now, as doctors, there's also the advantage that you have medical knowledge other couples do not."

"Dr. Cameron," she said, and reached out for Derek's hand. "You're scaring me."

"Meredith, I'm little concerned over the hCG levels, since you've mentioned you're pretty sure you're about seven weeks along, and the ultrasound confirms that."

"What do you mean," Derek asked.

"Your quantitative blood results give a good indication of the health of the pregnancy, and I think they may be a little low, so I'm going to ask that you we repeat your labs,
I need to that anyway, since they are under Maloney, and we really need them to show your name on our records."

"What exactly are you...are you saying..."

"These lab results are from 3 days ago, if we take them again, it will show me how they've changed, and right now at this stage of your pregnancy, the levels should double in about seventy hours, that's what I will be looking for."

"Ok...but, what if they don't?"

"We will deal with that then. For right now, we will have someone draw your blood before you leave."

"Can...can Derek do it?"

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd, can do it, but I would like it done today. Also, I'm concerned about the baby's heart rate."

"Oh, God..." she said, letting go of Derek's hand, and Derek saw the invisible wall of avoidance about to be raised.

"Meredith," Derek said and grabbed her hand again, "let's listen to him."

"It's good that we heard the heart beat, that's excellent, but at this stage, which you're about seven and half weeks along, I would prefer if it were closer to 120 beats."

"What...what...have I done wrong..." she said quickly, "what do I do...how do I keep my baby healthy..." she said panicking.

"There is nothing you have done wrong, we are just taking precautions, because of these conditions, and your earlier spotting and cramping, I just want to make sure that everything is ok. Right now, what I need is for you to stay calm, and get the blood work to the lab, and I will see you again tomorrow to discuss the test results, and depending on that, we will do another ultrasound in three days."

"Fine."

"Meredith, are you ok," Derek asked concerned not only about the baby, but her change in attitude.

"I'm fine Derek."

"Dr. Cameron, does she need to go home, should she rest?"

"Meredith," Dr. Cameron said, "are you listening to me?"

"Yes," she said a bit distracted, "of course."

"Dr. Shepherd asked a very good question, I don't think you need to go home, but I do think you should take it easy, don't over exert yourself, and if you feel any discomfort, cramping, spotting, I want you to come see me right away, or page me."

"Ok."

He looked at Derek and saw the concern, "Dr. Shepherd, do you have any questions, concerns?"

"I think you've answered our questions, thank you, we'll get her blood drawn right now, and...about her feeling faint and dizziness...what should she do?"

"That in itself is normal, but Meredith," he said, and paused for her to respond.

"Yes?"

"If you feel like yesterday, and aren't feeling well, Jenna told you, listen to your body, that's what you should do. If you need to lie down for a while, or go home, please do."

"Ok."

"I'm sorry, that I wasn't able to give you the news you expected, but, we are taking the necessary precautions, and there's no reason to think everything will not turn out to be just fine, but I have to take all these precautions."

"Thank you, Dr. Cameron," she said, "I understand."

"I'll see you tomorrow, to discuss your test results. We'll call you when we get them, and you can come in, don't worry about making an appointment, I will see you both tomorrow," he said, and handed Derek an envelope, and shook his hand.

When they were outside, he reached for her hand, and he felt the resistance, but she did not pull away from him, as they walked to a hospital examining room equipped for him to draw her blood.

"Meredith," he said when she sat on the table, and he came to stand next to her, "I know you're scared..."

"I'm fine Derek," she said, and her coldness angered him for a fraction of a second, but his main concern was her emotional vulnerability.

"You're fine," he said, and locked gazes with her.

"I have no choice."

"You do...you can tell me how you really feel," he soothed, holding her hands.

"Nothing will change, I need to deal with it. I'm fine."

"Meredith..."

"Yes..."she barely whispered.

"I'm not fine."

"Oh, Derek, please...don't do this to me... please...I can't fall apart."

"Yes...yes we can...we just have to be there for each other," he said, and she saw his pain, and embraced him, and sobbed.