(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Pillow Talk

Meredith was sleeping soundly, her snores filled the air as Richard left and Derek went to take a shower.

"Was this part of your plan to tease me?"

Derek was startled to hear her speak, her voice still drowsy, and walked toward her side of the bed, while wrapping the towel around his waist.

"Would you like it to be," he said raising an eyebrow in just the way she could not resist.

"It's already working...but, don't make promises you can't keep."

She was lying against the pillow and he leaned in to kiss her, savoring the feel of her lips, her scent, the joy only she could make him feel, and she returned his kiss without hesitation, with equal fervor as she felt his nakedness and fought the urge to give in.

"You're the one," he murmured, "that would be making promises that won't be kept."

"You agreed to take things slow..." she whispered, contradicting herself by further deepening their kiss.

"Is part of your plan to kill me along the way," he murmured against her lips, as he took possession of them once again, and they took pleasure in the closeness and the intimacy of their bodies pressed against each other.

"Oh, God, Derek...I miss you so much."

"I miss you and want you desperately."

"Me too."

"Does that mean...you..."

"I want to Derek, I do... I really do," she told him, as she placed her hand on his naked chest and pushed him back just a bit. "But, I can't, I want to, but... just feel, we've got to get this right, once and for all..."

"Meredith, I think we've definitely got this right," he teased her, using every ounce of self -control to keep himself from pressuring, knowing, at least feeling fairly certain, he could easily seduce her and change her mind.

"I...I mean...us Derek, us getting it right, not just ...the physical...making love...we've always had that right, but us... you and me...our lifetime..."

He groaned and raised himself to a sitting position, "maybe another shower will help."

"After me," she said, getting quickly out of bed and heading for the shower.

She joined him a few minutes later, wearing sweats and her Dartmouth t-shirt, and laid down on her side of the bed.

"How long did I sleep, it's almost eleven?"

"You fell asleep right after the movie started and in fifteen minutes were snoring away."

"I was not," she said and lightly punched his arm.

"You were, Richard sympathized with me, and wanted ear plugs, but we wouldn't be able to hear the movie otherwise."

"This is so embarrassing, he's seen me half naked and now heard my snores, and wait, don't tell me, you carried me to bed....because I don't remember walking here...and he walked in on us kissing...twice today...and he probably knows about the bet around the hospital...and he knows about her...and you kissing her...feel free to stop me..."

"You haven't said anything that's not true yet..."

She glared at him, and both started laughing, and he pulled her close to him and held her tight, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Why?"

"I don't want to tease you...not when it's..."

"I'm not mad at you...frustrated...not at you...just well...let's say my body is definitely frustrated."

She started to pull away from him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I don't want to make it more...uncomfortable...for you...I'll stick to my side of the bed tonight."

He pulled her closer, held her tighter. "Do you remember what I told you earlier tonight?"

"That you wouldn't push...that you'd wait?"

"Yes, I did say that, but we were talking about marriage."

"Oh."

"I told you I wanted you in my bed, all night?"

"Yes."

"Meredith, I knew, when you were coming over here, all it would be was I'd get to hold you in my arms all night...no other expectations, and now... well, and well maybe a few more kisses...and caresses...before the night is out...but I knew, all it would be tonight, was that I'd get to hold you in my arms all night."

"You're being very patient...and understanding..."

"I love you."

"You really do...don't you?"

"I do...and I told you...I'll wait...till you're ready, when you're ready...when you feel you want to trust me again and I hope love me again....and be with me again...in whatever order that happens...I'm here...not going anywhere, and I'm not giving up falling asleep in your arms, every single night you let me."

"Do you have any idea how hard you're making this...for me..."

He laughed, "shouldn't that be my line?"

She snuggled closer to him and sighed contentedly. "Thank you..."

"For what?"

"Caring...loving me...not too many people have..." she said, and he saw the tears escape and slide down her cheek.

"You need to get used to it...I don't plan on stopping."

They laid in silence several minutes, before she reached out and laced her fingers with his, both now facing each other.

"Derek, I think we've really traumatized the chief," she said and smiled.

"We definitely have."

"Don't be a jerk, you don't have to agree with me, it's so embarrassing."

"Meredith, he knows how we feel about each other, he's fine, though he did let me know I better watch my step, and stop being an ass."

"He did?"

"He did."

"What exactly did he say?"

"He expects me to take care of you and not hurt you again."

"Do you mind that he was talking to you...about me?"

"Why would I mind, he cares about you...he's trying to protect you, and I appreciate that he is looking out for you."

"I asked him to refer me to someone...to a therapist...he suggested someone, she's a psychiatrist."

"You're going to call her?"

"Yes, I'm going to try to see her as soon as possible."

"Are you sure it's what you want to do?"

"Yes. I've spent all my life avoiding dealing with my feelings, my emotions, and I can't do that anymore...I want a life with you...and I need to find out how I can put the past behind me, and be able to deal...and accept a different future...to be in a relationship... with you..."

"He told me I should consider going as well."

"I didn't say anything to him Derek, I only told him I needed to go."

"Hey, it's ok, if you had told him, what you told me, it's ok, we're in this together, you and I....we'll work on this together, and, you're both right, there's things I need to deal with as well."

"You do...?"

"I do... I'm just not sure I even realize what they are at this point."

"Derek, we'll do it together...can we do this together?"

"Yes, we will do this together," he told her, and cupped her face in his hands and kissed her.
"Derek, will you come with me, even if you're not going to see her for now, will you come with me if she thinks it's important? "

"Whenever you need me, just let me know."

"Ok."

"Now, why were you crying, after your conversation with Richard?"

"We talked about my mother, and her last day being lucid," she said as she bit her lower lip.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, but I will...I think it's important that you know," and she proceeded to share her conversation with Richard, ending with Derek pulling her into his arms and letting her cry all over again over the things Richard had shared with her.

"Hey, remember you promised me no more crying...you're going to flood us out of the trailer, if you don't stop crying."

"Do you think, it's true, Derek, what he said about my mother, that she loved me...and that she wanted him to look after me."

"I'm sure, because, there's no way I can believe, if she was lucid, she wouldn't see what a beautiful daughter she has, not just how you look, but your spirit, your soul, the very essence of you Meredith, is beautiful, in spite of it all, of you doing it all alone, you shine with your compassion and your gentleness, and your ability to forgive," he paused, holding back his emotions, " the ability to forgive, even those of us that have so deeply wronged you."

"Oh Derek, we've wronged each other, and I don't need to forgive you...you need to forget about all those things, and forgive yourself, because, I already have..."

They reached out for each other simultaneously, and the salty taste of their tears mingled as they tasted and found pleasure in each other.

"Meredith, if we don't stop this... there won't be any need or more talk about taking things slow...and you, stop crying, cause it's going to be more than just the trailer you flood, but our land, since you were also over there crying on Richard's shoulder."

"You saw that?"

"I did. Meredith, I want you to know, I told him I was going to marry you."

"You did?"
"I did, so he could be assured I'm going to take care of you, that I don't want to hurt you anymore...I told him, that once you can trust me again, I want to marry you."

"I'm really working on it....Derek, I really am."

"I know you are, and I'm going to help you, we're going to help each other get there."

Attempting to lighten the conversation before they went to sleep, she said, "Derek, I've been thinking," she giggled, "and it seems we really are the main attraction at the hospital rumor mill," she said and pulled away from him, and turned on her side, so they were both facing each other, looking at each other as they continued to talk, their fingers remaining intertwined.

"That should be taking a turn....tomorrow."

"Mark's going to kill you."

"I'll just have to remind him it's payback...for the current countdown."

"You two are incorrigible."

"If he hadn't started this whole...I'm 'lookin' crap...I'd never have even considered dating anyone."

"Not good Derek, you're passing the buck...not good."

"Well, feels better to say that, than admit what an absolute ass I've been."

"Yeah, you were...but...you're gaining your McDreamy status...slowly..." she said and smiled.

"The fab4 are helping."

"You mean you're encouraging them to spread talk about our reconciliation."

"Is that how you see it?"

"That you're encouraging, gossip," she giggled, "how else can I interpret it?"

"No, I meant us...reconciling...you're comfortable with that..."

"Yes, that's what we're doing... don't you think?"

He leaned over and kissed her softly, "yes, that's what we're doing."

"I don't know how you're going to outdo the lavender..." she teased him.
"You mean you're expecting me to keep surprising you?"

"No, of course not," she told him, but right away he saw the look on her face, and knew he'd hurt her feelings when she looked away, and turned to lay on her back.

He was having a hard time understanding her, and something was nagging away at the back of his mind, he couldn't quite explain what it was, but something was not making sense to him about her behavior the last several days.

"Meredith, don't turn away from me. If I upset you, tell me."

"I'm not upset, you...you haven't upset me, I'm just tired, and want to go to sleep."

"Then why does it look like you're about to cry, and I feel like I'm the biggest jerk for even joking with you about something I have every intention of doing?"

"You do...you are?" she asked him, and there was such sadness and hopefulness at the same time, that it suddenly hit him. He knew, he knew what was nagging away at him, and he couldn't help but smile, and tread carefully, very carefully.

"I do, I told you, I was sorry I had been so neglectful, and that I had taken for granted all of this time, and had never given you a gift, do you remember our conversation?"

"Yes."

"That hasn't changed, I still intend to show you how much you mean to me, how much I care about you, how much I love you."

"But, you just said..."

"You can tease, but I can't?"

"I'm sorry, Derek, I think I've become more emotionally stunted the past few days, and I don't know why I'm overreacting over stupid little things."

"It's ok, it's been an emotional time, for us both....and you get to overreact...you've been through a lot, and you're dealing with all of it now, at the same time."

"And, I'm making you miserable,' she pouted.

"You're not making me miserable, I've loved every minute I've spent with you...even our disagreements..."

"Right..." she told him rolling her eyes.

"Even those Meredith, because, look at where we are right now? We've made a lot of progress...and we're taking our steps towards building a committed and loving relationship...that would not have happened without these faltering steps along the way."

"Derek," she said softly, and leaned in to him to kiss his lips, "I'm happy to be here...tonight...and to fall asleep in your arms...and I ...I ... love...that you didn't give up on me...that you didn't give up on loving me."

"I never will."

"Derek, neither will I."

He reached for her and embraced her, holding her tight, and she felt his tears on her face. She hadn't said I love you, but what she said was the promise of their future.

"Meredith," he whispered, without letting her go, "are you pregnant?"