(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Thorn's Demise

Derek spent a long night thinking about how to best deal with the situation he was solely responsible for creating. He'd hardly slept, trying to understand what had prompted him to act as he had with Rose. Throughout the night, he'd agonized when faced with some hard truths about himself, his reactions, his fears to a small degree, and cried more tears than even the day she'd drowned, because at stake was the rest of their lives, and he had not know, when he began his soul searching if they were going to make it.

Meredith consumed his every thought throughout the night, and he knew he had placed in jeopardy the future he wanted for them, when he had so callously disregarded how she would react to him being with another woman.

He'd been awake at the crack of dawn, because basically he hadn't slept all night, and he could not wait for the moment when he would seek out Rose and put all of this behind.

Derek approached the nurses station and was greeted with the usual light flirtation from his favorite group of nurses, with whom unlike others, he usually engaged in some form of conversation most every day.

"Good morning ladies."

"Dr. Shepherd, what brings you here so bright and early?"

"Hi Steph, just needed to take care of couple of things early this morning."

"Well, we'd be happy to help in any way we can."

"Amy Lynn, if didn't know better, I'd say you're flirting with me."

"Dr. Shepherd, of course I'm flirting with you, it's half the fun, as I hide behind this protective gear," she laughed showing off her wedding ring.

"I'm not the one you need protective gear from, that'd be Sloan."

"Oh, yes we know all about protective gear and Dr. Sloan," Lisette commented and had everyone laughing at her comment.

"Tracy," he said to the nurse standing closest to him, "would you do me a favor and please page Rose, so that she meets me here before she scrubs in for surgery."

"You want me to page Rose, the scrub nurse," she stated with a hint of disapproval in her voice.

"Yes, the scrub nurse."

"Of course, sir," she replied curtly, surprising him as he glanced at the other three faces.

"Did the temperature just drop about 30 degrees around here?"

"I'll take care of that right away."

"Ah...you know...it's not what you're all thinking."

"And what would that be, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Well, Amy, given I know there is absolutely no respect for privacy regarding my life, and that Sloan stood at this desk placing bets on 23 days... I think, I may have an idea."

"Dr. Shepherd, it's really not our place to ..."

"You're right Lisette, it's not anyone's business to talk about my private life."

"I apologize, Dr. Shepherd, I was completely out of line."

"Ladies, you know I'm not one to stand around here and chit chat, but from the disapproving look on your faces, I'd have to bet... no pun intended...that you're pretty firmly on Dr. Grey's side."

"Dr. Shepherd, I apologize as well, my job is to follow your instructions."

"Tracy, you are right, but I'm going to tell you, in this particular case, I'm glad you're on he side. Because, truthfully, I've got a lot to make up to her."

"Tracy, close your mouth, you'll catch flies." They heard the comment from Mark.

"Look at this...Pretty and Prettier fine tuning their charm."

"Dr. Hahn, what a lovely way to start the morning."

"Dr. Shepherd, I'd have thought you'd be a bit less cheery this morning."

"Is there absolutely no privacy in this hospital?"

"No," seemed to be the collective response.

"Erica, how about a cup of coffee?"

"Sloan, what would you do if I said yes?"

"Buy you a cup of coffee," he teased, winking at her, never missing a beat.

"You're on."

"Come on pretty boy," don't just stand there.

The nurses and Derek all laughed as the two walked away from the desk.

"So, ladies, how's the betting pool coming along," he said flashing the McDreamy smile.

"Dr. Shepherd, we really like you... but, can we be honest here?"

"Of course."

"We did see you this morning with Dr. Grey."

"Yes?"

"You gained a few points."

"Really, Steph," he smiled.

"It was kind of hard not to find out about...well, last night and Dr. Bailey."

"Do tell, I see I'm behind in the rumor department."

"The buzz at Joe's last night was betting on whether you'd speak to each other or not, and well, the fact you not only spoke but kissed her, and she kissed you back."

"This is unbelievable, my life being discussed like a soap opera."

"If the shoe fits..."

"Amy," Lisette reprimanded.

"He knows we're not just gossiping. We like Dr. Grey, and him, when he's not being...well, when he's not flirting inappropriately with scrub nurses."

"So the truth comes out...as the chill begins to leave the air," he teased them.

"Just know, we're pulling for you both."

"Thanks, would you please let me know when Rose gets here."

"Oh, so you still want me to do that?"

"Yes, Tracy, and I can assure, so does Dr. Grey."

"She would not," Amy interjected. "Oh, sorry."

"Yes, she doesn't know it, but she actually will be happy that I'm having this conversation."

"If you say so."

" I'll be back in an 30 minutes, please make sure Rose get the page."

"Can you believe him? He's paging her to meet him here so nonchalantly."

"Tracy, he seems to be pretty sure of himself, so maybe it's really a good thing."

"I don't know what good can come out of it. I've kind of felt sorry for her ever since she broke of her engagement, but I just don't like that she actually pursued him. It's like she's just waiting around for someone to come along, and she may think it's him."

"Well, Lisette, I don't feel sorry for her, she knows they are together, and if she's arrogant enough to think she has a chance, than let her have what's coming, because if you'd seen those two this morning, there is no way he is interested in any woman but Meredith Grey."

Not long after the exchange between the nurses, the dark haired nurse approached the counter.

"Good morning, Tracy, I believe... I was paged by Dr. Shepherd."

"Yes, I'll let him know you're here."

"Thanks, I'm going to get a cup of coffee."

A few minutes later Derek approached her.

"Derek, good morning, this was a surprise."

"Good morning Rose, please, let's walk to the back office," and he led her to the office behind the nurses station, in plain view of everyone.

The nurse's foursome was not about to go anywhere, and it was almost understood that one of them would be engaged with work close enough to the open door behind them.

Derek stood with arms crossed and took a deep breath.

"Derek, is something wrong, you seem angry."

"Yes,Rose, you could say there is something wrong, and I am angry."

"Would you like to enlighten me?"

"Actually, I was thinking you might enlighten me."

"Excuse me, what exactly are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that what should have been a personal matter between two people, has been divulged all over this hospital."

"And how does this have something to do with me?"

"I'm talking about he fact that you've been discussing that we happened to kiss once in a scrub room and then had dinner together, and put your own very warped slant on what I regrettably discussed with you regarding Dr. Grey."

"Excuse me, but you are getting this information from where?"

"Where I'm getting this information is irrelevant, the facts are you have chosen to discuss a very private matter in plain hearing of people and placed your own slant, to the detriment of the woman I happen to love."

"Well excuse me, if what I have repeated, which by the away affects me as well, is not exactly as you would have liked for others to find out about it."

"The point is, there was nothing to discuss, not about you and I."

"Derek, if you recall, you are the one that kissed me in the scrub room, and you are the one that told me you enjoyed kissing me, I did not make that up, and whatever I have repeated, is nothing but the truth."

"Really," he said angrily. "Nothing but the truth, it does not seem to me that you have repeated the TRUTH," he emphasized, "because I sure as hell have never said I'm ready to move on from my relationship with Dr. Grey nor implied I am with her as an obligation."

"Derek, whether you use those words or not, it was clearly implied, and I had no reason to believe it was otherwise."

"You have no reason to believe otherwise, are you kidding me!"

"No, I am not. You kissed me. You said you had to see it through," she said with her voice slightly shaky, "and not too long after you broke up with her, you were asking me out to dinner, and told me you considered yourself free. That certainly does not sound like someone who is not ready to move on, nor is it so far fetched to think you feel an obligation to her."

"I cannot believe this, that you'd interpret things like this."

"Well, as I've said, I'm certainly an imperfect person."

"Yes, yes you did. What I did not know is that you are also a very indiscrete and vindictive person"

"Dr. Shepherd, I have given you no reason to speak to me like that."

"When you go around spouting off crap like you have to even one single person in this hospital, it gives me every right to say these things."

"Look, I thought we were friends, and if I misinterpreted your meaning, it was not intentional, it was simply the way I saw the facts, and if anyone heard any conversations they were eavesdropping."

"I don't give a damn, how the conversation was heard. "I'm just glad it was, and I heard about it, before this thing escalated any further."

"Dr. Shepherd... Derek, we kissed, we enjoyed each other's company, you have broken up with Meredith Grey and I don't see anything wrong with discussing the possibility of having a relationship with you as a friend or something more."

"How can you talk about a relationship, between us? Did you not hear what I told you about Meredith when we had dinner?"

"Of course, but you also said she wasn't ready to make a commitment and you realized you were pushing too hard."

"No, Rose, what I actually said was that she was the love of my life."

"Derek, no matter who we love, if they don't feel the same way about us, that's when we have to really analyze the situation. That's what I was trying to tell you the other night, about cutting your loses, you need to move on and find someone that does want the same things."

"You really believe, after our conversation that I want to cut my losses, that I could ever," he emphasized, "think of her in those terms," he spat angrily. "That I would have or want, any reason to move on?"

"Derek, really, this is silly. We're two adults we kissed, we liked it, and now you regret it. There's no reason we can't put this behind us and be friends," she said and extended her hand, much as she'd done when George had overhead the conversation between them.

"You don't get it, do you."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"No, you don't. Yes, I kissed you, and yes I said some things that I definitely regret, and I did think I was free to ask you out to dinner. But, by my own stupid behavior I hurt her, and what I should have done, when you came to my office the other night was to make sure she did not walk away. Instead, I let her leave, and was stupid enough to believe you wanted to be a friend, to offer a woman's perspective and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life in going to dinner, instead of having gone straight to Meredith and begged her forgiveness."

"Fine," she said, "you've made your position perfectly clear."

"No, Rose, I don't think I have. And just in case there is any doubt, let me repeat myself. Meredith Grey is the woman I love, she is the only woman that I have ever truly loved, and as a result of my stupidity and selfishness and God probably knows what other insecurities, I have hurt her, and I will not do anything else, ever, to cause her to doubt my feelings for her again."

"That's entirely up to you, if you want to be a fool," she snorted, "and if you think she feels the same way about you. Because the way she pushes you away and avoids making a commitment to you, is a sure sign she does not."

"What I can't believe is how I could be so fooled by you. That I actually thought you were a sweet and caring individual."

"My mistake as well, I thought you were a smart enough man to recognize when a woman doesn't care enough to give him what he wants."

"Don't you dare," he yelled, "don't you dare speak about her ever again."

"There won't be any reason to ever bring her or this up again. Is there anything else, Dr. Shepherd," she said and he heard the tremble in her voice.

"Yes."

Derek Shepherd was not such an uncaring and unfeeling bastard, and felt he had to make some small attempt to be civil, and at some level, he acknowledge to himself he had misled her, but certainly not to warrant her misconstruing his comments.

"Please finish, I have to scrub in."

"Look, Rose, I'm not usually this much of a hard ass, and maybe, under other circumstances, we might still be friends. But that is not the case, not anymore, and to clear up any further doubt, if I misled you, it was certainly not my intention..."

She interrupted him, "I appreciate your comment, but don't worry, you don't have to say anything else. I understand your message loud and clear."

"Thank you."

"Good day Dr. Shepherd."

Derek remained in the room several minutes after she left, and couldn't help but replay her words in his mind, that if Meredith loved him, she'd be willing to offer what he wants. The jury was still out on that he thought, and felt his heart constrict slightly with pain.

Time only would tell if he could fully redeem himself in her eyes, and if she would ever trust him enough, have faith enough in him that he might one day hear the words he most longed to hear from her lips...he'd picked her, he'd chosen her and he loved her.

Meredith loving him was still to be decided, and that would be his burden to carry until she was able to trust him again and hopefully one day, not too far into the future, consider saying those words to him again.