(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

What If??

She could feel him slipping away, retreating to a place darker than her own, and she knew at that moment he'd been pushed to the edge, she'd pushed to the edge and she could see the fear and terror in his eyes, while the thin veil of doubt was slowly replaced with his own wall of avoidance. It no longer matter he had not reached out to her, that he had not responded to her plea.

She could not let him turn away from her. She could not let him retreat inward. Because, if she did, if she allowed it, they may not have another chance, and she was determined, even if she had no idea how, they would get their chance to that lifetime he promised, that lifetime she wanted, only with him.

Looking down, unwilling to look at her, Derek was lost in his own world of doubt and misery, unable to see how they would survive what seemed to be an inevitable schism.

Meredith extended her arm, placing her hand on the table for balance as she bent her knees and lowered herself to meet his gaze.

"Derek," she said softly, "please don't shut me out, not when I need you...when I know we need each other desperately."

"You don't need me...or want me," he said without looking at her, "you made that perfectly clear..."

"You know, we really can't have both of us acting childish at the same time..."

"I'm not acting childish," he pouted, "I'm simply stating the facts..."

"Well, it may be the facts as you see them...but you're wrong," she said, and while shifting her position and crouching in front of him, she placed both her hands on his thighs. "Just as I was wrong to misinterpret some of the things you've said, and jumped to the wrong conclusions."

"What do I need to do," he said meeting her gaze for the first time.

"What do you mean?"

"What do I do, how do I show you...how do I get you to begin trusting me again...to begin having just a little faith in me again?"

"You already have, Derek, I'm ...I've been trying..."

"Yes, but then, things like today happen...and instead of wanting to talk to me...to trust that we can work through things together...you avoid me and then make up excuses and turn away...turn away from me..."

"Is that what you're doing now...avoiding me...turning away from me...are you punishing me now?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, Derek, you do. Because I can't believe you are looking at me right now, trying to make things right...here in front of you in this very uncomfortable position, and not realize you are trying to punish me...to make me feel bad for what I said to you earlier."

"Then get up," he said sarcastically.

"Derek..." she shifted, it really was an uncomfortable position she thought, "why are you doing this...why are you being like this...?"

"I'm sorry, that wasn't nice," he said, and she noticed just a trace of him softening toward her.

"No it wasn't, but I know you're upset with me, and I'm trying to be understanding."

"Get up, there's no reason for you to ..."

"There was...because you wouldn't look at me...and I needed to see your eyes."

"Please, get up from that position," he said as he reached out to help her up, but she wouldn't budge, as she looked into his eyes.

"If I do, will you let me touch you...and hold you...and kiss you..." she said, and he saw the tears in her eyes, just as she saw the same reflected in his, "even though...you didn't want to hold me anymore?"

He lifted her to her feet and sat her on his lap.

"What are we going to do? How do we get past all of these things..." he said, and she heard the uncertainty in his voice, and wondered how she could reassure him that she wasn't going to give up on them.

"Derek, I am sorry...for earlier...for not being honest with you...but, it was only postponing it for a few hours...I was going to talk to you about it, I just wasn't ready...and I am not going to go back to how it was before...but you can't expect me to change my behavior overnight...but I am trying...everyday...I'm trying..."

"We can't keep saying we're sorry, Meredith, we can't keep hurting each other...and I'm beginning to feel like there's nothing I can do...that nothing will ever be good enough for you..."

"I don't mean to make you feel that way...it's not my intention..."

"But you do."

"Then you have to tell me...when I make you feel that way, Derek, just like you tell me I have to talk to you... to express my feelings...so do you."

"It's not as easy as all that...sometimes... it's very hard..."

"I know that...me of all people, I know that..."

He was very quiet and though she was sitting on his lap, he made no further attempt to touch her.

"Derek, I know you're disappointed in me...and believe me...that hurts me, because I know I'm also hurting you...but your distance right now...hurts...hurts a lot..."

"You're sitting on my lap, how much closer can you be?"

"That's not the distance I'm talking about," she said as she looked into his eyes, and without faltering added, "part of me wants to get up and walk away...but the other...the other is winning out...because I can't...I don't want to believe you want me to go."

"I've never wanted you to go."

"That's not always been the case...but...this is not the time..."

"Didn't we just agree...I think...we agreed... to tell each other what we're feeling, to not hold back..."

"We did."

"Then tell me what that meant..."

"You know what it meant...but, what's more important now, is that you tell me what's on your mind...what it is you've been thinking about that... when I look in your eyes I get this feeling...this uneasy feeling...that you don't want ...that you'd rather I wasn't sitting here with you now..."

He didn't respond right away, but it was very clear to her that he knew exactly what has holding him back, and when he spoke, her worst fears were confirmed, because all his doubts and lack of trust in her came through like a million screaming voices as he began to open up and tell her some of what he felt.

"Will you...can you... ever love me again, or have I irrevocably sentenced myself to never hearing those words from you again?"

He felt her become tense and mistakenly assumed what her answer would be, and without hesitating continued to speak his thoughts out loud.

"Do I give up ? Is there any hope for us? Because...you know... I'm willing to hang in there... even if all there is...is that you will let me love you...that you let me make things up to you..." he said with deep remorse and longing in his voice.

"You said you wouldn't give up...that you'd do everything you could...to remind me of all there is between us..."

"Yes...but, Meredith...I'm losing hope...losing hope that you want me...that you want me in your life... "

"Why do you think I'm here?"

"I don't ...I don't know..." he said as his voice broke.

"Do you want me Derek? Do you really want me in your life?"

"You must know I do..."

"Why...why would I...when you clearly don't know that I do..."

"That's different...

"How?"

"You know that I love you..."

"Yet, when I felt most vulnerable, tonight....I reached out to you...and you turned away."

"I did not..."

"You did...I asked you to hold me in your arms and never let me go."

"I thought you were just saying that out of ...I don't know...guilt...comfort..I just don't know..."

"Derek, are you listening to what we're saying...how childish we really sound...what if...what if...we are both so concerned with our fears...and our doubts...that we're not seeing or listening to what the other is feeling..."

"What if..." he said.

"Derek, will you...will you let me show you how much hope there is for us...how much hope I feel in my heart... how much I feel for you ...or will you turn away from me again..."

Their gazes locked, and she took the first step and reached up to gently push back a lock of hair from his forehead and leaned in to him gently brushing his lips with hers.

"Meredith, can you trust me?"

"Can you?"

"I need to...I have ...I have to believe ...I need to believe we can rebuild our trust in each other...because I can't live without you...I can't lose you..."

"Neither can I...Derek, I can't lose you...and I don't want to live without you in my life anymore."

"I love you Meredith."

She smiled and kissed him, teasing him, enticing him to deepen their kiss. Without hesitation he captured her lips and joined in a mating of tongues in an age old ritual of pleasure until both were breathless and pulled away to look deep into each other's eyes.

"Derek...please...don't doubt my feelings...I may not say the words...just yet...but you must know...you must know how I feel."

"I do."

"Then...can you please stop torturing me...like you did today..."

"Torturing you..." he teased her as he shifted her position on his lap, "you think, I'm torturing you..."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled close to him, "yes, you were torturing me...making me feel hopelessness and that you were ready to give up on us."

"What would you call, what you're doing to me right now," he said, as his arousal was painfully obvious to them both.

"Making sure you still want me..." she said softly, but could not suppress a smile.

"There will come a time you know...I hope you can take as much as you dish out."

"In all fairness, Derek, you are the one that sat me on your lap."

"Do I recall you asking me to hold you and never let you go..."

"Yes, but I would not have been sitting on your lap."

"Meredith..." he said as he kissed her softly, refraining from anything more, "do you honestly believe that would have made a difference."

"From past experience...no..."

"Don't forget it...just being near you...that's enough..."

"Derek...I'll make it up to you..."

"I know you will..."

"Promise to make it up to me too..."

"Just say the word..."

"It may not be a word...but a touch....the perfect touch..."

"Every touch by you...is perfect."

They were lost in each other's embrace and didn't hear the door opening, as she sat on his lap, head resting on his chest while he gently caressed her back, her arms, every bit of her that he could touch.

"Dr. Grey, I'm sorry, but we have an emergency."

Meredith was startled by the voice of her intern, and started to get up, but he held her, gaining a glare from her.

"Why didn't you page me?"

"Well...we...we didn't..."

"What...why didn't you?"

"We saw you were upset...when you walked in here...and...then when we saw Dr. Shepherd come in, we didn't want to interrupt."

"In the future, you make sure you page me, where do I need to go?"

"They called from Mercy West, they're dealing with a multiple car crash and need to transfer two of the least critical patients here for surgery, they should be here in about fifteen minutes."

"Thank you, I'll be there in a few minutes"

"I can't believe they did not page me, and are making decisions based on me being upset, that's something that needs to be written up."

"Meredith, don't be too hard, they had your best interest at heart."

"Derek...that's not their job, what if it was something else."

"They would have paged you, I'm certain of it."

"You just want me to overlook it cause they knew it was you in here."

"Damn right, if it had been anybody else, I'd be writing the incident up myself."

He held her close and whispered, "I'm sorry we argued, and for being childish."

"You admit it..."

"As long as you do," he teased and lightly kissed her lips.

"Yes."

"We need to stop this, Meredith, we need to talk, even if it's the last thing we want to face. We have to talk."

"I will Derek, I won't let it happen again, just make sure you're ready for my tirades."

"Tirades."

"I'm sure of it...you don't do things half way..."

"Are you implying I'm always going to be the one causing a fight?"

"Not implying... certain of it...I don't start any arguments...unless they are your fault."

They both looked at each other and laughed, and for the first time since he had walked in to see her, the heavy weight in their hearts had been lifted.

She stood and as she had done earlier, extended her hand to his, and this time he held it firmly in his. They stood facing each other and he enveloped her in his embrace, and whispered in her ear "don't ever let me go."

"Oh Derek," she sighed "we can't let each other go."

"We won't."

"I have to go."

"I'll be here around six to drive you home."

"I told you..."

"You lost your ride home from Lexie, let me take care of you."

"Derek, will you...let me take care of you too?"

"I'm all yours," he said as he winked at her.

"How do you manage to make everything sexual?"

"You mean you want us to be in a purely platonic relationship..." he said trying to hide his smile.

"Derek... use your brain."

"Uhmm....the brain immediately thinks..."

"Forget it..." she laughed, "keep thinking...just as you are," she smiled, as they walked out together holding hands.

"I'll see you in the morning, try to eat something."

"Behave yourself...and be nice to Mark."

"Now, I've heard it all..."

"He was nice to me Derek..."

"It's fine...don't worry."

"Just stay out of trouble...and no more bets, please."

"Make sure you eat something," he said as he brushed a tendril of hair behind her ear.

She leaned in to him and placed a soft kiss on his mouth, "I'll see in the morning."