(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

The Beginning

Derek and Kathleen had been on their way for about ten minutes, traveling North on I-5 towards Vancouver, when she put an end to chit chat.

"Derek, I need to understand what's happened. When you called me, I couldn't wait to get out here fast enough, but nothing makes sense. For all intents and purposes you and Meredith are working through your problems, and you're happy. But, that is obviously not the case. You need to talk to me...so start now."

He took a deep breath and she could see his hands gripping the steering wheel, no longer relaxed, not answering her right away.

"I can't lose her Kathleen, I can't lose her again," he said, and she heard the deep emotion and turmoil in his voice, "and that night...that night...when I called you, I thought I might,"and then, the broken sob.

"Derek, what exactly does that mean?"

"It was...it was all my fault," he paused, "the day I called you, she was happy...and we were with friends and...and it ruined the night... and then we argued and," he took another deep breath, and she could hear the broken sobs, "she...she told me...she would have been better off if she joined her mother...when she drowned...Kathleen, she regretted...being alive."

"Oh, my God, Derek," she said, without taking her eyes from him, seeing the increasing torment in his demeanor.

"Pull over," she ordered, but he did not react, and she repeated, "pull over, I'm driving."

"I can drive."

"Derek, damn it, pull over, you are not in any condition to drive."

He did as she ordered, which surprised her, but it also told her things were much worse than she imagined. He brought the car to a stop and she waited for him to come around to her side, and it was then she got out of the car, letting him take her place in the passenger seat.

"Listen to me," she said, "there are obviously many things I am not aware of, and we will discuss them, but, right now, I need for you to know that what I saw last night, and today...the love and affection between the two of you, her happiness over this baby...it just does not allow me to reconcile what you've just said. I am your sister, and that is my first priority to take care of you...but, I am the best in my field, and we are going to get to the bottom of this, but you are going to start at the beginning."

"She...she has to be ok...Kathleen, everything she's been through...she's got to be ok, and I'm not sure...I'm enough."

"Derek, she loves you...her eyes leave nothing hidden, they don't lie...it's like looking in her soul...and you are enough..."

"I wasn't before."

"What do you mean?"

"She gave up, Kathleen, she didn't swim, and she knows how to."

"Derek," she said, turning his face to look at her, she could see the anguish in his eyes, "she is going to be fine, and so are you, the two of you together, your family, you are going to be fine," she said hugging him close to her, and as her resolve began to slip she walked away before he could the tears in her eyes.

Once in the driver's seat, she glanced over at him, where he sat serious and unmoving, and pulled out from the hazard lane into the highway. She drove in the same northern direction until she found the first exit.

"Where are you going," he said, already too late, "we need to keep going north."

"I'm turning around, we're not driving anywhere but back to your place."

"What...why?"

"Derek, I know what it took for you to reach out to me. From what you've just said, that was the tip of a sinking iceberg, and we are not going to be on the road to discuss this."

"Kathleen, we can talk on the way, it's ok."

"No it's not. You were a wreck when you called Derek, and from what I've send to what you've just said, there is a hell of a gap, and I can tell you, neither of us is going to be in any mood to enjoy or care to drive anywhere but to your home, because, there's a lot to be said here...and it's not to be said in public."

"You...you came out...I'm grateful, I want you to enjoy some of the trip."

"Derek, I am here because of you...because you are my brother, and I love you...and you sounded desperately in need of support and that is why I lied to Mom, and our sisters, and left my family behind...and I do not need nor care to sight see...when my brother obviously needs me more than I ever imagined."

"I'm sorry...I know you've had an enjoyable time...and now...I'm ruining..."

"Now, you are doing what should have probably happened many months ago...you are going to tell me what the hell is wrong, and if you want to yell or scream or cry or even if I do...we need privacy, not tourism as an audience."

"Mark is right, you are truly very bossy."

"Damn right I am. Now, start talking."

"I don't even know where to start."

"At the beginning, and Derek, I'm not here to be nice and tell you you're perfect and always right."

"I don't think that."

"Well, you see...you're wrong...you do think that you are always right, and that you always have to be perfect...and you are not, and you don't. That's what I mean, I'm going to hear what you have to say, but I am here to help, not to necessarily agree with you."

"I don't expect that you are going to agree with me on everything."

"Good, we understand each other."

"I love you Kathleen. Thank you."

"Point me in the right direction, and start talking."

"The beginning..." he said.

"The beginning Derek."

"One night, in New York, I came home...it was raining...I went upstairs, and found Addison and Mark in our bed. He left. I threw all her clothes out the front door and locked her out, leaving her standing getting soaked in the rain. Eventually, I opened the door. But, my marriage was over. I walked out, got a job and flew to Seattle."

"Derek, for the record, all we heard was that you'd packed up and left."

"What more was there to tell about that night? Details of how I found them in the throes of passion, in the bed my wife and I had shared years," he spit out angrily.

"I'm not questioning you..."

"You all judged me, and you judged her...the slutty intern, without knowing what the fuck had happened."

"Hey, it would have been just as easy for you to tell us what you just told me, rather than try to avoid dealing with the reality that your marriage had been over for years."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"We are not going to get very far if you don't own up to the real situation Derek."

"You're saying it was my fault."

"No, I'm not...what led to Addison cheating on you, that's something between the two of you...which I presume has been discussed and laid to rest, since you have both moved on. I'm not here to judge, and don't especially care, because what we need to deal with now is you and Meredith."

"I don't mean to be defensive."

"I understand that you would feel that way."

"The shrink talking Kathleen?"

"You're going to hear a combination, but Derek...who you will hear...most of the time...is your sister talking."

"That's who I need."

"You've got me... except...I can't help if the other me has some influence."

"Fair enough."

"So you flew out to Seattle, and you met Meredith."

"I met Meredith."

"How did you meet?"

"Across from the hospital, there's a bar. One night, I was there, and she was sitting at the bar alone, and I was totally captivated by her...in my eyes, she was beautiful, and I knew I was meant to meet her. I walked up to her, she tried to ignore me. That night, behind the words we exchanged, there were a many hidden truths...mostly about the pain each of us was trying to hide, regrettably or fortunately...with liquor."

"Did you know that then?"

"No, we had a one night stand. I woke up at her house the next morning."

"You have to admit Derek, that does not normally lead..."

"Ok... you hear that...that comment...that's why I never talked to any of you about this."

"I am making a well founded statement Derek. One night stands do not normally turn out to be your soul mate."

"But she is."

"I know that, as you are hers."

"Then why are you judging her...us..."

"I'm not. Simply stating facts."

"You charge how much for this kind of therapy crap?"

"Plenty, you ungrateful moron," she smiled.

"To both our surprise...shock really, we saw each other the next day at the hospital. It was her first day as a surgical intern, and I was by default her boss, or as she put it, her boss' boss – and I pursued her, relentlessly, and she fought it, until neither of us could ignore the chemistry or the feelings that were developing between us."

"Derek...I know you don't want me to judge her...but, you were married...she had to know it could not last."

"She didn't know."

"When did you tell her?"

"I didn't...."

"What do you mean, you didn't tell her?"

"Addie did, when she showed up two months later."

"You were together for two months...and you did not tell her."

"No, but there were reasons..."

"Derek Christopher, that is a crock of shit...you did not tell her you were married, what the hell was wrong with you," she said and slapped his arm hard across the console.

"I'm telling you things as they happened, so instead of providing a running commentary, just listen."

Choosing to ignore his comment, she asked him, "is the next exit what we need."

"Yes."

"How the hell could you not tell her you were married Derek? That's inexcusable."

"My marriage was over, and I was going to tell her, and before I had a chance Addie showed up.

"Lame, Derek, very lame."

"Kathleen...you don't know what it was like...walking in on my wife...having sex with my best friend...the best I could manage was to just walk out."

"I'm not disputing that, but how could you lie to Meredith, how could you possibly think you could be in a relationship based on lies?"

"I admit it... I was stupid...I was an ass...but it happened I can't go back and change it."

"You said she fought the idea of going out with you, what changed?"

"From the very beginning, we've had...this....Kathleen...being with Meredith is magical...she makes me whole...made me feel again...made me hope again...I was drowning and she saved me..."

Ironically, they had reached the ferry terminal, and as he said those words, they were given the signal to drive aboard.

"When did you know you were in love with her?"

"Maybe I always knew...the moment I met her...she was my soul mate...but...knowing I was in love with her...it was so many different things," he said, "but knowing for certain...the night she trusted me blindly...and I basically betrayed that."

"What happened?"

"Let's get out...I need to walk," he said, and they made their way to the deck, "and I want to call Meredith."

"Derek...it hasn't been much more than an hour since you saw her, you are going to drive her nuts."

"I want to talk to her now, make sure she's ok...and I'll tell her, I won't pester her the rest of the day."

"Right!"

He was relieved she answered right away, "hey, how are you feeling?"

"This is early, even for you, I'm fine Derek."

"Just wanted to hear your voice, before your day gets hectic."

"Derek, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong..."

"There is...Derek...don't lie to me... I told you...I have this feeling."

"Nothing is wrong...and I promise to let you work the rest of the day...just call me, if you need anything...call me."

"Derek...you're a few hours away...I hardly think you're going to be able to get over here if I need anything," she said without thinking how her statement sounded, and as a result, in small ways, both reverted to old patterns of insecurities and second guessing.

"I offered to stay, Meredith," he said coldly, "I offered to stay, and you said it wasn't necessary."

"Derek, "I didn't mean anything by what I said...."she said detecting his coldness,
"why ...are you talking to me like this?"

"Like what," he said, even more distant.

"Nothing...it's nothing..." she said quietly, "I...I have to go..."

He could hear the sadness in her voice, and reacted immediately, "don't go...please."

"I... I have patients."

"Meredith, I'm sorry."

"That's fine Derek."

"Please...don't...don't do this, we promised, not turning way. I'm sorry, I reacted defensively...you have a feeling...and I was going to be hours away....if you needed me...that's all."

"That's not what I meant..."

"I know...and look, we didn't drive north, we decided just to stay here."

"Oh no, now, I know something happened, Derek... what's wrong...you weren't in an accident, Derek...tell me...you were supposed to go...and if you didn't something has to be wrong."

"Hey, stop it...nothing is wrong..."

"Please don't lie to me...if something's wrong..."

"I'm not...we're fine. Kathleen and I just decided we needed time to talk...in private...not while playing tourists around Friday Harbor."

"Oh," she said, fighting the urge to cry "I understand...I know...you have a lot to tell her..."

"Meredith, if I hear you crying I'm going to be very upset with you..."

"I'm...I'm not..."

"I can hear you...I'm sorry for being such an ass, I love you...I love you very much."

"Thank you."

"Thank you...I tell you I love you...and you say thank you..."

"You said you were sorry, and I said thank you."

"But...you didn't tell me that you love me."

"Derek...we just jumped to all sorts of wrong conclusions...and you were not nice...it was not nice for you to be cold and distant with me."

"I know...and I said I was sorry...but you made assumptions too..."

"Only because of you...not being nice..."

"Meredith..."

"Yes..."

"You know how you always tell me, that I say I love you to divert you attention?"

"Yes..."

"When I hear, Derek...not nice..." he said softly, "I know...I'm really in trouble..."

"Derek..."

"Yes..."

"I do love you..."

"I love you too."

"Why did you really change your mind?"

"We started talking, and...there's a lot...a lot to talk about...lots of emotions..."

"She...she's going to hate me... isn't she..."

"Why would you say that?"

"Derek, I know why you called her...what I said...what I said that night, about drowning...she's going to hate me..."

"She does not hate you, nor is she going to...in fact, I've already been put in my place several times, including getting slapped hard across the driver's seat."

"Do you...Derek, do you think...she will understand..."

"She will... believe me... she will..."

"I really do have to go now..."

"Call me...if you need anything...we'll be home..."

"Derek...when you talk...and you tell her...all that's happened...will you ...please...tell her...I'm sorry..."

"For what?"

"For hurting you," she said, "for hurting you...the night you called her..."

"Meredith, we know we've hurt each other...but...didn't we agree we were not going to let ourselves go back....to how things were...avoiding...and not talking?"

"Yes."

"Well, we just failed that...in about three minutes time..."

"I know."

"But you know what?"

"What?"

"We recognized it...Meredith...that's what we need to do...we have to hold each other responsible....and not let things like that happen..."

"So...we're ok?"

"We're more than ok."

"Derek...just for the record..."

"Yes..."

"I had an excuse..."

"Really?"

"Yes...it's my hormones," she teased, and he laughed.

"I love you Meredith."

"You have to be nice Derek...all the time," she teased.

"Yes...yes...I do...but...for the record..."

"Yes..."

"Maybe...there's sympathy hormones too," he said and delighted in her laughter.

Kathleen walked around the deck while he spoke to Meredith, and then approached him.

"Is everything ok, it didn't look like it for a while there."

"You can interpret from far away?"

"I know you."

"Yeah, you do. We had a slight misunderstanding."

"Derek, why?"

"Kathleen..."

"No, Derek, there should not be any misunderstandings, you need to deal with things as they happen and not leave them till later to fester and get all blown out of proportion."

"Kat..."

"What?"

"We did."

"You did what?"

"We had a misunderstanding, and we cleared it up...unlike before...we took care of it while we spoke."

"Fine then."

"Who's side are you on anyway?"

"She's pregnant and hormonal, and I now what that is like," she said, and he laughed.

"You laugh now... just you wait, when I tell Mom...that you did not call her, and tell her she was going to be a grandmother again...and are having absolutely no regard for Meredith being pregnant and hormonal."

"You're bribing me?"

"That's what sisters are for."

"We both agreed...it's hormones...and I laughed, because you are certainly mother hen."

"She needs someone, Derek...she needs someone to look after her, and this is a very vulnerable time."

"I'm going to do that."

"Derek, I've been thinking, about everything you've said, and maybe...what she said the other night...was just part of all the emotions, all the changes taking place...and Derek, I'm sure she did not mean that...the way she looks at you....the way she talks about your baby...you need to tell me the rest, how... why do you feel you betrayed her trust?"

"I pursued her after our first night together, and she finally agreed to have breakfast with me one day, but refused to date me. Then one particularly bad day, when I had actually treated her like crap in front of her resident, she confronted Miranda head on...and lost...but it made her realize what we were feeling for each other was worth her wrath, and we spent the night with a bottle of wine watching over the ferry boats...and that night I began to fall in love with her."

"Did she feel the same way?"

"I don't think either of us recognized it as love at the time."

"When did you?"

"Uhmmm....after I spent a week at her house...even her roommates began to joke about it...she wanted more...to know more...and I was not giving her any information, told he she needed to take some things on faith...."

"Faith Derek...but not truth..."

"I know the mistakes I made," he said, as they neared the docking station, "I'll drive back, we can finish the conversation later."

"Derek Shepherd, you are not going to avoid this."

"I'm not, Kathleen...I just need to clear my head."

"That's ok...do you want to grab a late breakfast?"

"Sure...there are quite a few places to choose from, you'll enjoy the quaintness."

"I'm hungry...let's find something soon."

"Why didn't you say something before?"

"I wasn't as hungry then, and I had a yogurt and coffee before you came to get me."

They found lovely café and enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, giving Derek the much needed time to gather his thoughts, and then she suggested he drive her to the site where he would be building a home, so she could see it during daylight.

"Derek, this is absolutely beautiful, I can see why you love this so much. When do you plan on building?"

"Soon. Meredith and I need to sit down and figure out what we want...you know, part of the sleepless night was a discussion on nannies and household help."

"Are you kidding?"

"No, she was not too keen on the idea, but I think she's come around."

"Derek, I can understand she would be reluctant, but believe me, two doctors in the house you need help."

"That's what I told her...I think she finally agreed we needed to think about it."

"I can talk to her."

"No...she needs to figure some things out for herself...and she does...just need to give her a little time."

"I certainly would not turn down a nanny or hive in help."

"You have those Kathleen."

"Exactly."

He walked with her back to the area where he and Meredith had spent their evening, and since the two chairs remained, they sat and continued to talk.

"Kathleen, Meredith grew up with a mother, whose memory she protects fiercely to anyone who'd dared to question it, and her loyalty is commendable, but the truth is that Ellis Grey was a bitch who never cared about her daughter, and Meredith grew up knowing she was never her priority, she was always second or third if that."

"Derek, Ellis Grey had a brilliant reputation."

"As a surgeon. As a mother, she failed Meredith in every way possible. She basically grew up alone, and I am so proud of who she is...and the sad thing is that she does not realize how very special she is...in spite of her mother, she's loyal, caring, compassionate and she's going to be a brilliant doctor...she is going to be better than Ellis Grey, because she is already becoming a first rate surgeon...but she has the heart that goes with greatness."

"What went wrong?'

"She had a crappy childhood."

"What more?"

Derek went on to explain the circumstances of her childhood, leading to the day of Richards's surgery.

"Weeks went by, and we were together all the time, and one day, a particularly hard day for her, she trusted me, where she had trusted no one and shared her secret with me. Her mother had early onset of Alzheimer's and was in a nursing home, and did not want anyone to know, so the entire burden fell on Meredith, and she was a wonderful daughter, a lot of others would have left her alone, sometimes I wish Meredith had, because Ellis Grey totally devastated and destroyed her spirit."