(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Beyond Goodbye

"It's not fair, that he's forcing this on me...it's not right..." he said, "that I leave you now...I don't want to...I need to be with you...I need you."

"You are not leaving me...you're in my heart...and I know I am...I know we are in yours..." she said as tears continued to fall, "but, Derek, you save lives...and there's a little girl...that needs the best there is to live..."

"I save lives," he said, defeat evident in his voice, "and I can't do anything...for you," he said, and she saw his tears gather, "or for our baby."

"Derek," she said, as she wrapped her arms tighter around him, and looked up at him, "we knew...we knew...there was this possibility..."

"But, I still had hope...we did...didn't you..."

"I did...but it wasn't meant to be..."

"If I'm not here, and all this happens...begins to happen...I don't want you to be alone..."

"Derek...I don't think it happens so quickly...from what Dr. Cameron said, and...I'll be ok...I will..."

"You'll be ok... without me...is that what you are trying to say?"

"Don't you dare do this to me...do not put words in my mouth...Derek...don't..." she said pulling away from him. "Don't you dare..." she said quietly, "not when I'm already questioning all I've done...all I could have done differently to have kept my baby safe."

"Your baby..." he said and turned away from her.

"What," she yelled, "what am I supposed to say...yes, it's my baby...because, " she said, and could not stop crying, "I was the only one responsible for nurturing and didn't ...I could not keep our baby safe. I wasn't even able to do that..."

"Oh God," he said, and rushed to her aside, embracing her, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...you're hurting...and we can't do this...we can't, Meredith...we can't let this bring out old insecurities...and doubts...and I just feel useless...and I'm sorry, I'm sorry for saying what I did...I know you need me...I know you do, as much as I need you."

"I do...I do need you and I will Derek...I will need you so much...but right now, we can't do anything for our baby...we can't...but you can do something for this little girl...and think Derek...one day...maybe...one day we'll have one of our own..."

"Please...forgive me...I did not mean what I said..."

"I can't do this alone...I can't...I won't be ok without you...I will never be ok without you again..."

"Will you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive...we each said things that hurt the other...let's listen to each other Derek...let's really listen with our hearts...this is not going to be easy, and we can't be questioning each other's every word or action...we can't Derek...this is where trust begins...with this deep wrenching pain that is tearing at my heart...and I know is tearing at yours...but...we promised...Derek...we promised..." she said with a sob.

"We did...and we are doing just the opposite..." he said, and held her closer.

"Yes...and we can't...because we said...we're in this...for always..."

"And no matter how much the other pushes away," he said.

"We won't give in to that...we won't let that happen...we promised."

"Yet, we just did. I'm sorry, Meredith."

"We almost did...that's what we need to do, keep reminding each other."

"I love you Meredith."

"It's very hard...to break old habits...and doubts."

"Meredith..."

"I love you too...I do, with all my heart...please...don't doubt that...or that I need you," she said, and pulled back slightly, and their reflection revealed identical tear streaked faces, with new ones still threatening to spill.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"I'm sorry too," she said, cupping his face in her hands and bringing her lips to his, "I don't want to do this anymore, Derek, I don't want us to keep having these misunderstanding...not now...please..."

"Neither do I...Meredith...neither do I...you are my life...and I love you...and nothing is ever going to change that."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she said, and brought her lips to his, as the salty taste of tears intermingled with their kiss, and then they held each other close as long as they needed.

"Richard was an ass."

"His approach was not very nice," she said, "but...Derek...it's a little girl's life."

"You didn't deserve this...you....you shouldn't have to face this..."

"It's your baby too..." she said placing her lips on his. "we'll do this together. We have to keep reminding each other...together..."

"We will..."

"Let's tell him," she said and gently caressed his face, wiping traces of tears away, as did he, and then kissed her softly.

"Will you reconsider working...stay here...just lie down?"

"It will drive me crazy Derek...just waiting...I can work..."

"Meredith...nothing can happen to you...please...if you...if you're not well...please...will you go to Dr. Cameron?"

"Yes...I will...you just need to concentrate on saving this little girl's life."

"Take it easy...please."

"Yes...and just think, I'll be here...when you finish your surgery, you can come see me...and I'll let you take me home...but not alone Derek, I don't want to be home alone."

"Ok," he said and kissed her forehead, "we'll go home together."

Meredith opened the door and called out to Richard, "Chief..."

"Dr. Webber," Derek said in a clipped tone, "let's speak to the parents."

"Meredith," "I am sorry for this...this situation."

"Thank you," she said quietly, and sat down.

"Shep, look, I understand..."

"No, Richard," he said angrily, "you do not."

"Derek...I have made allowances for the years of friendship, but you damn well better get a grip and realize I am your Chief."

"I don't give a rat's ass who you are."

"Derek..." Meredith tried to interrupt.

"No, Meredith, he had no right to push me on this. If you were doing your job, CHIEF," he mocked, "you would not be pushing me to perform brain surgery on a four year old, on anybody in fact, in my current state of mind...it's irresponsible, and God forbid the child does not make it, you ...this hospital and I could have a damn malpractice suit on our hands."

"Dr. Shepherd," Richard said attempting to control his anger, "you are lucky I am not kicking you out on your ass for insubordination."

"Richard, I don't really care."

"Look, while you are a surgeon in this hospital, the head of the neuro surgery department of Seattle Grace, you are expected to conduct yourself with the proper decorum and do your job and put your personal feelings aside, and I suggest you keep your mouth shut, and do just that, before either of us says anything else we will regret."

"Put my personal feelings aside," he yelled, "have you heard anything at all of what we just told you. What is going on with Meredith...with our child."

"Yes, I have, and I still expect you to do your job. She is."

"She is reacting to her emotions...she would not want anyone in my state of mind to operate on our child."

"Derek, let's stop this right now. You are the best damn neurosurgeon on this coast, and even in your state of mind no one can dispute that, and Meredith asked you to do this for her...and that's enough for me not to have any doubts that you can do this, because whatever you do...you are not going to fail her."

"Oh no," Meredith finally spoke as she got up and faced Richard, "no...you will not...lay that guilt on him...he is the best there is...but if something goes wrong, you are not going to blame him for this...how dare you...how dare you use our personal relationship....the anguish we are feeling right now...to make him feel he could possibly fail me...surgeries can go wrong, and no matter how good he is...that can happen, and you have no right...no right at all."

"Meredith, you need to stay out of this," Richard warned.

"I will not," she defied him, going to stand by Derek, "you brought me into this. How dare you suggest he could fail me...if anything goes wrong?"

"I did not..."

"Yes, you did," she said and reached for Derek's hand.

"Meredith, "Derek said gently, "it's ok."

"No, it's not Derek, and I've changed my mind, you don't have to do this. If you don't want this, you don't have to do this...we will just go home."

"This is enough," Richard stated, "You are doctors, and there is an urgency that you know needs to be address. Now, I am going to forget everything that has been said here, and you are both going to get a hold of your emotions and stop this irrational, immature behavior..."

"And you....you...are being an insensitive...cold...heartless..." she said, attempting not to cry.

"Maybe I am," Richard said, "and I am sorry, but this child...this child cannot wait."

"I will do this, but you can start looking for a new head..."

"Derek, shut up," Richard stopped him, "I said, we will forget everything that has been said."

"Meredith," he said, calmer more gentle, "I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. I am. I wish it were different for you...but, there is only a slight chance...and the only person I know can do this is Derek."

"What is the child's condition?"

Richard provided a detailed explanation, and when he finished, Derek said, "leave us alone. I will meet with the parents in your office in five minutes. Get Bailey and Yang to scrub in."

"Derek...you don't have to do this...not for me..."

"I do...this little girls deserves a chance...and...if I can't do anything for ours," he said, reluctantly touching her abdomen, and his voice cracked, "at least...at least I can do something for this child."

"I love you Derek," she said and circled his neck with her arms, "and we...we are so proud of you," she said, as unshed tears filled her eyes.

"You...you...stood up for me...to the Chief..."

"I couldn't let him say what he did...Derek, you are the best...but...he can't do that to you...and use me...he can't...and no matter what happens, I know you will do your best...and you cannot fail me."

He embraced her and whispered softly, "I love you...I'll look for you in a few hours, stay here...as long as you want."

"It's a beautiful day Derek...for you to save a child's life..."

"For you...and our baby bear..." he said and kissed her before walking out the door, leaving Meredith alone. She walked to his desk and sat down, noticing the copy of the sonogram by his computer, and picking it up sat down and sobbed.

"I'm so sorry...baby..." she said, and placed her hand protectively over her abdomen, "your mommy is so sorry...I wanted you so much...and your daddy...we both love you so very much...but you know...even though I only had you with me for just a little while," and her tears continued to fall, "I love you ...and I was so happy....even though you were such a surprise....and your daddy was right...ever since I found out about you...I'm beginning to like surprises...and it hurts so much..."

She picked up the sonogram, staring at its image, and holding it gently, she whispered, "oh...you are so precious...my baby...I wanted to hold you in my arms so much...to see who you looked like, to see if you would have your daddy's beautiful blue eyes...those eyes I can always get lost in...and you know...no matter how much time goes by...I will never forget you...because you made me believe in love...you made me hope...and pray, when I had forgotten...you made your daddy and I realize how much we love each other, and how much we loved finding out about you...your daddy, is so smart...and I told him we are so proud of him right now...because he is going to save a little girl's life...and I want you to know that ...even ...even when I have to say goodbye to you...and I know I will soon...but, I'm sorry...I could not keep you safe and healthy...I'm so sorry...but even beyond the moment I have to say goodbye...you will always...always live in my heart."

Derek spoke to the parents and felt and sympathized with their desperation, and used all the skills he'd perfected in his career to assure them he would do all he could, and was confident she would be fine, and that he was assembling the best group of surgeons.

Meredith composed herself after a long while, and left Derek's office after paging her interns.

"Hi Mer, I've barely seen you," Izzie greeted her at the nurse's station. "Mer, are you ok...you look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine Izzie, just a patient...I had to deal with a patient that's not going to make it, and it wasn't easy telling the family."

"If you're sure..."

"Yes...but thanks."

"I'll see you at home, should have an early night."

"Ok..." she said a bit distracted.

"Dr. Grey," we thought you were off today, Tracy commented.

"Yes, but had a change of schedules, we had a nice time last night," she said.

"It was, thanks for including me."

Meredith attempted to get through the day as normally as possible, "Tracy, I don't normally interfere...but...do you like Mark? I mean...I know you're seeing each other a lot lately, but are you looking for a long term relationship?"

"Dr. Grey...I don't think...Mark is looking for a long term relationship."

"I'm sure he's not. I'm just asking if you are?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes, of course."

"I'm not sure."

"That's fair...don't tell him I asked."

"About what?" Tracy asked her, and they both smiled.

Two hours after Derek had left his office, she checked in on the progress of the surgery, and they probably had at least another hour left and decided she should not wait to see Dr. Cameron. She was not feeling well, as her cramping had become increasingly worse and more frequent and now she knew there was an increase in the spotting. She went to his office and was not made to wait.

"Meredith, what is wrong?"

She explained what was happening. "Dr. Cameron, I'm sorry about earlier, you...your news was not unexpected, but it was not what I was hoping to hear."

"I understand that, and I'm glad you were listening and came to see me."

"I know I'm a doctor, but I never really thought about pregnancies, and now...all I can do is second guess what I've done wrong...and we heard the baby's heartbeat yesterday, isn't there just a chance that you could be wrong...that the heartbeat is stronger...that the baby could be ok..."

"It would be very rare."

"But...it could happen...there could be an exception... Dr. Cameron... I heard the heartbeat...I saw how everything was developing...how can it all go so wrong?" she said with such sadness in her eyes, such hope that he would provide a different answer, he deiced he would go against what he knew to be true...and have just a bit of hope that maybe he was wrong.

"Meredith, the heartbeat yesterday was low..."

"It was 112... it wasn't so low...maybe...maybe there's a chance....I don't feel like I'm losing the baby...I don't feel like I'm going to have a miscarriage..."

"You know...I had intended for us to do another ultrasound in a few days...but, maybe you are right...so we can do one now...my next patient cancelled and that gives me he just the perfect time to do this ..."

"Oh, but...no...Derek is not here...he would want to be here..."

"If everything is ok...he can come back with you in a few days."

"You don't think it is...do you?"

"I'm going to wait and see what we find out..."

"Dr. Grey, I'm sorry you're not feeling well, we need you to change, and Dr. Cameron will be in right away."

"Thank you Jenna."

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door and both Jenna and he doctor entered the room.

"How severe is the cramping Meredith?"

"It's getting worse...the last couple of hours...."

"You did the right thing in coming to see me, I'm glad you were listening to me, I wasn't so sure."

"I listened...but it wasn't what I wanted to hear."

"I understand that. Let's find out what's going on today," he said as he performed the same procedure as the day before.

"Dr. Cameron...do we...shouldn't we hear the heartbeat already..." she said in a panic.

"It's ok, Meredith, just relax...let's see," he said, as he listened intently for the sound, which he did find, but very faintly.

"Dr. Cameron....did you hear it...I did..." she said after a few minutes.

"Meredith....listen...that is the heartbeat...but it's very faint...can you note the difference from yesterday?

"No...but I heard it... I did..."

"You did, but I'm sorry...I probably should not have done this...but you needed to know...and it's just...it's very faint...very low rate...it's declining considerably..."

"It can pick up...though...it can pick up," she said as tears rolled down her face.

"No, I'm sorry."

"What...what's low?"

"It's less than half of what it was yesterday..."

"Oh..." she said, and he saw the vulnerability and raw look of disappointment.

"Would you like us to page Dr. Shepherd?"

"No. He is in surgery...trying to save a little girl..."

"What can I do? Can we help you with anything?"

"No...I guess all there is to do is wait..."

"I want to tell you a little of what you can expect," he said, and she listened uncaring of that tears she shed in front of him.

"Thank you. I appreciate all you've told me."

"I'm sorry. But, just remember if this gets worse or you experience heavy bleeding, you need to call me, we need to make sure..." he stopped, not wanting to make it worse by detailing what would happen, "just call me, but Meredith, I think you should go home."

"I will. But, it's easier to work."

"Please, call me."

"Yes, I will," she said, and when he and Jenna had left the room, dressed herself again.

When she walked out of the office, she noticed a missed call from Kathleen, and after listening to her message, called her back. Luckily she thought, she got her voice mail.

"Kathleen," she said, "it's Meredith, I'm sorry we did not call you, things got a big hectic, and Derek had to scrub in for surgery. I'm working, but you can call me back.

Within the hour, she felt the increasing discomfort and after she went to the bathroom, she knew that it was now just a matter of time, and her heart was breaking and she knew she had to leave and sought comfort where she thought she could best cope.

She almost ran into Lexie as she rushed out of the elevators on the first floor, and her sister steadied her.

"Meredith...where are you going in such a hurry," and when she took a good look at her, she knew something was terribly wrong.

"I have to go... I do...it's bad...I have to go..."

"Meredith, tell me what's wrong...what's bad? I know you are not ok...tell me what is wrong?"

"It's over Lexie, it's done..." she said, and Lexie saw the tears begin to fall.

"What's done...Meredith, you are not making any sense, what is over? Did you and Derek fight?"

"No...we didn't fight...but it's easier...it will be easier...I have to go...I do...I just...tell Derek...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...but...I have to do this... do this alone...baby bear...Lexie...baby bear's really gone...and it's easier to just say...to go say goodbye."

Lexie was not able to stop her as she rushed out the front door and quickly made he wait to her car and drove off.

Derek was scrubbing out when he addressed Miranda and Cristina, "ladies, that was an excellent job, both of you... I asked for the best team, and you were part of it, why don't you go tell the parents their daughter is going to be just fine."

"Dr. Shepherd," Miranda interrupted, "don't you want to..."

"Dr. Bailey, you or Yang... either one of you...you'll do fine. Page me if there's anything later... right now, there's no reason to expect complications. She is one very lucky little girl."

"She was Dr. Shepherd," Cristina commented, "she was lucky it was you who operated."

"Thanks, I'll see you both later."

He paged Meredith, and after not hearing from her began to worry, and tried to figure out where she was, and reached the nurse's station.

"Shep, you look like hell. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Unexpected surgery. Have any of you seen Dr. Grey?"

"Not since a few hours ago," said Tracy.

"Derek, Dr. Shepherd... I'm so glad..."

"Lexie, have you seen Meredith?" he asked noting the concerned look on her face.

"Yes, I want to talk to you..."

"What, what is it..." he said as he led her away from the station.

"Derek, I'm really worried about her, I saw her about thirty minutes ago, and I went to look for you...but you were in surgery, so I was waiting...and not wanting to page you...I think here's something wrong ... Derek, I really do...but I couldn't stop her..."

"Lexie, slow down. What happened, when did you see Meredith?"

She recounted the story, and saw him go completely pale.

"When did she leave? Tell me exactly... this is important Lexie, tell me exactly what she said."

"What is wrong...Derek...what is wrong..."

He told her what had happened with her doctor's visit.

"That's why she said....baby bear is gone..."

"Lexie...she said that," he asked visibly shaken, "baby bear is gone..."

"Yes...but now it makes sense, if she's....if she's..."

"Repeat exactly what she said about goodbye."

Lexie did, and Derek, sighed with relief, "thank you...thank you for coming to get me...I have to go..."

"Derek...what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to find her."

"But...Derek...where, she's not answering her phone, I called Alex, he's home and she's not there...where..."

"I know," he said, "I know exactly where to find her..." he said and rushed out of the hospital.