(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Bridge of Legends

Meredith he believed had slept soundly throughout the flight, but he hadn't. In fact on a couple of occasions, he thought and smiled at his analogy, the light snoring, like a symphony movement in crescendo, had awakened him and before it become as loud as at home, he had leaned over to kiss her, effectively breaking her rhythm and she'd continue sleeping and then he'd hear the pitch and familiar snoring begin again. The sound he'd learned to be thankful for since her near drowning experience.

Those were his thoughts after he returned to his seat and loosely buckling his seatbelt turned on his side and watched her sleep. He'd done that intermittently during the night, watched her while dark images flashed through his mind keeping him from sleep. Thoughts that in spite of the optimism of this trip nagged at him and scared him, because suddenly in the silence of this night, the last three weeks caught up with him and he acknowledged that he was afraid, scared as hell of this fear.

Careful not to wake her, he'd raised the window shade and marveled at the sight before.
Whenever he'd flown this particular route, the beauty of creation never failed to amaze him, and he became one with the universe as millions of stars shone brightly against the backdrop of the pitch black sky and somehow believed in the magic of the night, in the promise of the brightly shining stars that appeared to fill every inch of space, determined to illuminate the sky for all who dared to hope and dream. But, it also filled him deep melancholy while he immersed himself in the doubts of a painful past as he took the end of the blanket and raised it higher to cover her.

Dad, he thought, and began his conversation, I wonder if you're there somewhere, amidst those millions of stars. You know, I don't feel very bright right now, and I bet you thought I forgot about you, but I never have and I miss having you around, I've missed having you...especially lately, I wish I had you to talk to, though I don't think you'd be very be very proud of me right now. I don't think you'd be proud of me at all, for a long time...I knew I had let you down, and I'm sorry...I knew better...with Addie and then with Mom, just walking away...but, it's better now, with Mom and the girls, and Kat, you'd be so proud of her, I am. I hope you know how much she helped coming to visit, she still talks to you, as though you aren't gone, I know she believes you're listening, he continued to talk to his father, unable to talk to anyone else and praying he indeed was listening.

She shifted slightly toward him, on her side as was her habit to reach for him when they slept, or if he was spooning her she'd reach for his hand and hold it close, and it made him smile briefly.

Then there's Meredith, I let her down worst of all...I lied to her...that's how we met...but I think you may know that, and that I acted like a cocky ass. But now, my heart is breaking watching her sleep, and praying Dad, yeah...I've done that lot lately, I bet you thought I forgot, I bet God thought I forgot too, but for her...I'd do anything for her and I'm scared...that I may lose her again. I know I wasn't honorable...the way Mom expected of me, she raised me to be honorable and I failed. But most of all, I'm ashamed of the way I treated Meredith and of all the times I failed her. I'm scared that I may not be enough again, that when things get rough I may lose her. Maybe not physically, I don't think ...I'm sure she didn't want to die that day...but I wasn't there for her after that, I was a coward Dad instead of facing the situation, I walked away from it, just like I've done before and I don't understand why...she's being so brave going to therapy, and I have to do the same...to understand why I've acted like I have, so I don't lose her, because I can't imagine my life without her...I don't want to live my life without her, and there's so much I have to keep inside, so many fears and doubts and yeah...she calls me brainless, well so does Kat, but so many insecurities...and I don't want to worry her or upset her...but...there's so much we need to talk about, he continued with his silent conversation and closed his eyes, and emotion took over and he couldn't avoid small successive intakes of breath and he felt a tear escape the corner of his eye, and then a gentle touch kiss it away.