(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Rejection Part 3

Meredith was angered, but even more so, hurt by his assumption that she'd act the same way as Addison. But, he had provided a glimpse of his fears and insecurities that had remained unaddressed for so long, that the need to comfort him was stronger than her own needs.

"Well, you did. If you wanted to hurt me, you did," she whispered, unable to hide her feelings completely and balancing the angry tone in his voice.

"I'm sorry, if I could change things, believe me I would," he told her as he placed his hand over hers, and they stood facing each other, wondering how to make things right.

"You know, I was watching you comforting Bailey, and felt so proud of you, of how caring and compassionate you are, what a good friend you are, and how lucky I was to have you in my life. And, I was telling George how you wanted to build us a house..." she smiled softly, "with kids rooms and french doors, and that I was scared... and then...then, I found out you kissed her, and... Der...," she paused, unable to hide how deeply it had affected her as tears pooled in her eyes, "Derek, it hurt so much to hear that."

"George told you," he said, concerned over what else was overheard.

"He thought I knew."

"Mer, it just happened...it wasn't planned. You're the only woman I long for, the only one whose lips I want on mine."

"But you kissed her."

"We had agreed to date."

"No, Derek, you wanted to date, and I knew I was not giving you what you wanted, the commitment you needed, so I allowed myself to have a part of you, because that was better than not having you at all. But, Derek, I was not dating."

"I wasn't stopping you," he said defensively.

"But, I didn't want or need to, and Derek you kissed her in the scrub room, not on a date."

"Can't you understand," he said releasing the hold of the hand on his arm, "when you're with me, your kiss, your touch, make me forget all the doubts and everything else around me, but when you walk away all those doubts come creeping back, and all I've go to by is what's already happened. That my wife left me, and I wasn't good enough for her."

"You say I don't trust you, and maybe you're right," she said with a hint of resentment in her voice. "But, just listen to your words. It's not just me with trust issues. Do you realize how insulting it is that you are judging me by Addison's behavior?"

"I have never given you any reason to doubt me. When we are together, I have not given you any reasons to have you judge me that way."

"Meredith," he raised his voice slightly, "how can you say that? You refuse to commit to me. What am I supposed to think, when all you're willing to offer is sex, on your terms?"

He turned and walked away from her and tried to control his rapidly increasing frustration, though he found himself face to face with her again.

"I have waited for months and you don't give an inch, how the hell long am I supposed to wait before it's too late? Too late to maybe take a chance on someone else, before you decide to walk away again, and I end up alone."

She felt as though he'd physically slapped her, and she pulled away, stunned by his words.

A chilling calmness came over her as she looked into his eyes, and said, "if you feel this way, if you felt that way when you kissed her, if I'm obviously such an obstacle in your life, why did you show me house plans, why not just tell me you had found someone that suited you better than me, why the pretense Derek?"

"There is no pretense, damn it, but you push to the limit, without giving an inch of yourself emotionally."

"I have given you 'Everything' I knew to give," she said as she lowered her voice to an almost inaudible whisper, "and you certainly know and are quick to point out all my emotional limitations, but I haven't seen you turning me away, when as you say," she added, each word dripping with sarcasm, in a failed effort to hide how much his words continued to hurt her, "all I was giving you was sex."

"Stop it, stop putting words in my mouth," he yelled, as he attempted to interrupt the snowball effect his words had precipitated.

"Oh my God," she muttered, "you already knew.... you already knew... when I told you last night I didn't want you to date, that I didn't want to loose you, you already knew you were moving on," she told him accusingly.

Unable to hold her emotions in check, she looked directly into his eyes while allowing the tears to fall freely, uncaring that he saw her pain. "Then why, Derek, why go through the motions, why hurt me again.... why would you show me house plans..." she cried, "except you knew how I would react, and you did it anyway, you meant it earlier...." she said as she wiped tears from her face, " when you said you'd called my bluff..."

"Meredith," he raised his voice to get her attention and stop her tirade, but she continued.

"Did you enjoy her kiss? Did you compare her to me and found me lacking?
So you gave me house plans hoping I'd find an excuse to turn away, and you'd be able to pursue her freely, without having any responsibility... and you'd still be perfect ... and nothing would tarnish that Mcdreamy image... and who could possibly blame you... after all, the hospital rumor mill would know he wanted to give her a house...but, it's just that slutty intern turning him away again," she uttered, before breaking down sobbing.

Three times he had seen her break down and he watched her, recalling each time as she became unraveled before him.

Once, when he found her sitting outside a hospital bench, the day her mother had been brought in and her secret was revealed. She'd told him how exhausted she was, how exhausting it was to hate him. She had reached up to kiss him lightly, telling him she didn't want to hate him anymore, and walked away, leaving him lost in his painful doubts.

The second time, he had seen her distraught, and followed her to a supply closet where she broke down at the thought of her mother dying alone, and he had whispered gentle, soothing words trying to regulate her breathing to keep her from hyperventilating while offering comfort as he held her in his arms.

Then, the day Doc died, when they had put him to sleep, they stood so close, but so far, and he had been unable to comfort her as she had cried, not just for Doc, but for their own loss.

Three times she had broken down in front of him. But never like this, he had never seen her in this much pain, and he was solely responsible. Guilt ridden and confronted with the reality that his actions would cause her more pain before the night was out, he struggled to keep himself from breaking down as well.

He loved her. He knew this with a certainty born deep in his soul, and all he had done today was cause her unbearable pain, and there was no way to change that. But, somehow, someway, he had to find the right way to make this up to her.

Without hesitation, what seemed like eons were actually seconds after she broke down, he reached out to her, and though at first she fought his embrace, he held her, unwilling to let her go and allowing her to sob in his arms.

"Damn you...," she cried as she attempted to break free from his embrace, "damn you... Derek, I did trust you... I did... I trusted you with my heart... even... even if I didn't say the words...I believed you, I believed you loved me... and I trusted you with my heart..."