(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Forever

"You would have," she said, wiping a tear away.

"Yes, I would have tried to make you understand... but you left...and all I felt is that you do that, every time things get tough... you walk away, from me... not your friends... just me, leaving me to face my doubts and yes insecurities all over again."

"Derek, I just needed a few minutes...it's not like I was leaving the house."

"But you were avoiding me...avoiding something important."

"I went downstairs... I was coming back. But Lexie and I started talking and then..."

You see...it's always someone else you turn to, you talked to her, but not to me..."

"It's different and we talked about other things too, and we talked about us...and it helped, and she was encouraging me to be open with you...and I was...but ...while I was sitting there...other things came up."

"You were gone over twenty minutes...do you know how I felt, not knowing what was going on through your mind, knowing my answer had hurt you, and then found you talking to her...like nothing's happened, but you're avoiding talking with me."

"Derek I was coming up...honestly, and don't let it go to your head, but she's got this
thing for you..."

"Meredith, you're not going to go there again... there's nothing..."

"Relax, she's on your side...completely convinced you're going to be her brother in law."

"I wish her sister wasn't so opposed to it," he uttered pouting.

"Her sister isn't, so opposed to it that is...just not ready."

"Then why, why didn't you come to talk to me, rather than leave me sulking and wallowing in self pity?"

"I didn't know you'd be sulking," she smiled, "and wallowing in self pity, Derek, you're being a bit overdramatic, and I was... I'm still mad at you, but ...honestly...I didn't come right up, because I wasn't feeling so well, and she noticed, so I just stayed on the couch talking to her a bit more."

"What's wrong," he said concern overriding any other feeling, "you weren't feeling well...why didn't you tell me?"

"It's nothing."

"Meredith..." we agreed, "no more avoiding."

"If you must know," she rolled her eyes, "we were talking and all of sudden I had very bad cramping and felt really faint, and she noticed how I reacted...and said I didn't look well, and that I had become very pale, and I must have looked bad, because I felt like crap, and so I just stayed there, and then you came downstairs."

"Are you ok now...that's not usual...for you..."

"I know...that's why I just sat on the couch, talking to her, hoping the discomfort would pass..."

"It's that bad, are you sure you're ok?"

"Yes...I shouldn't complain...after all these years... it's really the first time this happens, so I shouldn't complain, and just bear with PMS."

"You're still not feeling well, aren't you, I can see it in your face and you are pale, come lay down," he said and walked her to the bed.

"I'm ok, let's finish our conversation," she said as they both sat on the bed.

"Meredith, if you were ready to come upstairs, and talk to me, why did you reject my hand, I reached out to you, to help you up...and you purposely rejected me?"

"You'd just said you were leaving...I thought you'd given up...and again...broken your promise... that you wouldn't give up...on us."

"I didn't think you wanted me to be here."

"We're really pathetic," she said and reached for his hand, and gently caressed him as she placed her hands over his, "we have absolutely no communication skills."

"We're going to have to work at it... the verbal communication that is," he teased her, "we don't do so bad in other areas. We just need to keep reminding each other and not let things get to the point where it becomes a bigger issue than it has to be."

"Derek, I've been thinking..."

"Yes...you certainly have... more important... you're sharing those thoughts..."

"Not all of them..."

"Keeping secrets?"

"No, just...I'm thinking...seriously...I mean...I was thinking this for myself...but maybe...maybe both of us..."

"What... just tell me."

"Well, for the past weeks, I've been talking to Cristina..."

"That's a bit scary ...if you're taking her advise..."

"No...I mean, I know the two of you don't necessarily get along...but I need you to...
I don't ever want to choose between you...so I need you to get along..."

"You've already chosen her, Meredith, you've chosen her over me many times."

"What, I have not..."

"Yeah, you have."

"When?"

"The wedding...the vacation...break up sex... keeping it a secret, because of her..."

"Derek...I was not choosing her over you...she's my friend, she's been there for me..."

"Yes, I know, when I haven't," he said and looked down, pulling is hand away from hers.

"No...that's not what I meant, and this is not what this conversation is about."

"Fine," he said almost petulantly.

"We've been talking, actually she's been helping me trying to figure out my issues, how to deal with them and she's been reading through psych books and finding my issues...abandonment issues...severe apparently..."

"You've been... you and Cristina have been reading over psych books?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes...and it's crap... but I had to... I was trying to get myself ready...ready for us...for us to have a chance Derek."

"Why...why didn't you talk to me?"

"Because...that makes me weak and pathetic..."

"Meredith, that makes you strong and beautiful and vulnerable, it's the woman I love...all of you ...we could have talked...I might have helped... not been such an idiot and failing to see all you're going through..."

"Well... it was something I had to do... nobody can do it for me...but Derek, I'm thinking that maybe... maybe I need to see someone ...someone that can help me...deal with so much of this..."

"You want to see someone..."

"No. But, I'm thinking I might.... I might if it means you and I....for us...for us to have that lifetime you promised me."

He brought her close to him and embraced her offering her comfort and love and a silent commitment to make things work, "what can I do?"

"Maybe," she whispered, "maybe we need to get help together."

He was stunned, "you want us both ...you're suggesting therapy?"

"Yes...Derek, there's so many issues, so many...we haven't talked about...big issues... and I don't want to risk losing what we have... I know... I know you hated therapy, you went already...I know... but just maybe think about it...please."

"Meredith, I hated therapy because it wasn't going anywhere, it couldn't... my marriage was over...but...if you and me...if us making it... means therapy...I'm not against it...we can talk about it more...but I'm not against it."

"Oh, Derek...I can't believe I would even consider it...but you're too important, we're too important not to..." she said, and started crying.

"Hey, no more crying," he said as he pulled away from their embrace and kissed the tears away from her face, " we've made a lot of progress here...Meredith... our fight...our disagreement has turned to something good...we're communicating...we're trying, we're committing to making to work towards a healthy relationship, there should be no tears," he whispered against her mouth as he brushed his lips against hers and both deepened their kiss, erasing all the pain and doubts of the last few hours, and simply giving, taking, showing each other the depths of the feelings that existed between two people, two soul mates that have always been fated to eventually share a lifetime of happiness, eventually, share a love that only the very blessed experience.

When they breathlessly tore themselves away from each other, she whispered, "Derek... I now I'm asking a lot...therapy... talking... and we've said a lot..."

"But..."

"Promise me something, actually not a promise, we've made a lot of those lately... just if you think, at any time, that you can't, that you don't want to wait for me...that you...you don't want to wait for me anymore, please...tell me, don't just walk away... just tell me because I don't think...I can..."

"Hey, stop this, I'm not going to walk away. What do I have to do to convince you, I'm not walking away, I'm not giving up on us...and I'm not going to let you do it either."

"I don't know, I just... I don't know what's wrong with me...but I'm... my emotions are all over the place, the past few days...since we....since our estrangement...it's worse...and Derek, you know...in the past, all my life, I've had to be strong, because... my mother... well, you had to be strong to survive her...but right now... right now... I feel that if just one more thing... one more disappointment... I don't know if I can handle it, and if that disappointment is you...disappointed in me... I ..." she broke down and cried again..

"Oh, Meredith... what have I done to you..." he asked sadly, and again gathered her in his arms, kissing her softly on the side of her forehead, her hair, as he soothed her by gently rubbing her back.

"No, it's not you... it's not, it's just everything... this year Derek... it's just everything coming together...I know I should get past it all, but I feel weak and not as strong as when it was my mother, I always had to fight, and I'm just letting you know, because....Derek, if you ...if you decide you can't ... don't want to stick it out... I understand...I will... but I may need you to soften it... soften the blow...maybe let me down easy..."

"What do I do ? What do you need me to do, give up my dreams? Will that prove to you that I'm not walking way, that all I want is to take all those steps with you....till we can ...we can go on with the rest of our lives...what do I need to do now...what do you want?"

"Derek...I don't want you give anything up..."

"But I will, whatever it is, Meredith, if all you want is one day at a time, then I'll forget about the house or kids...or growing old together... if all you can give me is one day at a time, I'll do it...but I can't watch you like this, I can't... can't watch you go through what we already have...before when you..." he stopped himself, unable to say the words, but unable to erase the day he raised her from the bathtub, and later from Elliot Bay, "please," he begged, "please, tell me what do you need from me?"

"I don't need anything...you're here now... I can't ask for more...I don't want you to give up on those dreams...how can you think that...when that's what I'm getting ready for...to be ready to enjoy those things with you? How can you think I want you to give that up?"

"I just...just... can't bear the thought of losing you...of ever seeing you ...seeing you...like...I don't want to hurt you anymore and I don't want to see you cry."

"Derek, we need to work on this together...both of us...and I know that I've hurt you...and disappointed you...and I don't want to do that...I don't want to do that anymore...so you have to tell me... when I do... when we hurt each other, and we will Derek, we will, it's life...but we have to tell each other. Like tonight....we hurt each other...and I said something awful...bringing up when you let me walk away...and I know I've hurt you too, many times."

"Yes... you have... but, I understand...I do...and I try to just remember why you feel that way, but I don't always succeed, you know... sometimes it gets to me...and yeah it hurts..."

"Will you tell me... other than today... what else....how I hurt you ....and maybe I can start trying to explain... just like you did tonight... trying to make you understand..."

"Meredith, we don't have to do that... we just move on..."

"No, Derek. That's the problem we can't just move on..., believe me... I've learned," she teased him lightly, hoping he would share something with her...and maybe she could make him feel better, just like he had done for her tonight. "Please... tell me...something that maybe I can make you feel better about ... make it hurt less."

"Each time you reject me...choose someone else over me...each time you throw things back at me...it hurts...it raises all my doubts and fears."

"Like what," she said, as she kissed his lips softly.

He didn't look in her eyes, but murmured, "when Lexie returned the floor plans...plans that I spent hours trying to perfect, to anticipate your every wish...so when I showed you...you might want to consider...taking a chance on us... hours... days... weeks. I'd spent thinking of you...of our family... and in one second when she gave me those plans, I feet like my dreams of a future with you were over..."

She raised his chin to meet her gaze, "I didn't get rid of them."

"You didn't," he said with immeasurable hope in his voice and a smile on his face.

"No..."

"That's a step..."

"I also told you the house is beautiful..."

"You didn't..."

"Yes, I did..."

He thought about it, and reached out to her, caressing her face, "yes you did, in my office, before..."

"Yes...and Derek..."

"Yes"

"I lied to you...there's one other reason you'll lose me..."

"What is that?"

"If you ever look at another woman... or touch another woman again...I'm not going to stand for it..."

"You're jealous..." he teased as both their moods had become so much lighter, and the weight of the world no longer seemed to be a permanent fixture on their shoulders.

"I am..."

"I'm flattered."

"Don't be... cause I mean it..."

He laughed, "so, I can expect those tiny ineffectual fists you used on Alex to ..."

"Oh God, you still bring that up..."

"I like that Meredith... fighting and bossy."

"You may be getting a lot more of her..."

"That's good ... very good. I've missed bossy Meredith."

"Derek...and she, in particular...don't even consider being her friend...or coming close to her... I don't think I could stand it... not her..."

"There's no friendship, I told you, I spoke to her, there's nothing there."

"Good because I don't think I could stand it, if I thought you had doubts or wondered about being with her...wanting to be with her."

"Meredith...I have no doubts...none at all, not since the first day I met you... I had no doubts I wanted to be with you...only you, and after many mistakes, mistakes, I've made, here we are, finally working together to fight for that lifetime...our chance for a lifetime together."

"Just don't forget it...I was ok with Sydney...but the one after...I told Cristina I knew I'd have to worry about the next one... and Derek, I don't want to have to worry about her again..."

"Bossy kicking in ... you won't... you don't have to worry about it..."

"One more thing...about Mark...do not listen to his advice...he's truly a manwhore," and both laughed, effectively ending the misery they'd experienced hours earlier.

"I love you, Meredith."

"I'm working on it...telling you...that is..." she smiled softly and kissed him lightly.

"I can wait...as long as you're working on it... I can wait."

"So...we're working on this..."

"We are..." he said, as he laid her back against the pillows and kissed her softly.

"Are you feeling better?"

"A little."

"Do you want me to get you anything?"

"Maybe...some Tylenol or Advil."

"That bad?" he said as he kissed her lips again, and started to get up from bed.

"Just a little."

"I'll be right back," he said and went to get her a glass of water and some pills, which she took and then he laid down beside her.

"Good night, Meredith."

"Good night Derek," she said as she cuddled up to him, and laid her head on his chest, and they reached for each other's hands, lacing their fingers together.

She heard him chuckle, "what's so funny," she asked.

He gently caressed her abdomen, "I guess... even if we were together...really one hundred percent together... there'd be no sex tonight anyway..."

"You ass," she laughed, as she lightly punched his arm.

"But you love me..." he said without even thinking, and she responded by placing a soft kiss on his lips.

"Derek..."

"Uhmm..."

"Will you... will you show me the site for the house...for our...house?"

"You want to see the site?"

"Yes."

"Seriously...Meredith," he asked, with as much excitement as a kid that had just been given a wonderful present, "when do you want to go?"

"How soon will you take me?"

"Let's go to sleep, so we can go in the morning."

"Derek...I hate early mornings...make it later in the day."

"I love you Meredith...and love bossy Meredith...we'll go, whenever you want."

"Sunset...as the sun sets...and turns to dusk"

"Sunset....and dusk...is perfect..."

Minutes passed, when he heard her speak.

"Derek... are you sleeping?"

"Uhmm..."

"Are you sleeping..."

"Not now..."

"Derek...I don't ever want to choose...between you and Cristina, she's my person...she was my sister before I knew I had any..."

"I won't ask you to choose, I won't put you in that position, for you, I'll get along with her."

"That's not what I was going to say."

"What then?"

"If there's ever a time...if I ever had to choose...it would always be you..."

"I won't ask you to."

"But, I would, I just thought you should now that...tonight, I wanted you to know that."

"I love you, Meredith, good night," he said and kissed the top of her head.

"Good night, Derek," she said snuggling closer to him.

Both were attempting to fall asleep after yet another emotionally exhausting day.

"Derek...what are you thinking?"

He laughed, "do you know we've done that every night..."

She laughed as well, "yes...we've been anticipating each other's thoughts. What are yours now?"

"Remember the night you waited for me, outside the hospital parking lot with a bottle of wine and took us to the spot overlooking the ferry boats...till sunrise..."

"Unforgettable..."

"We'll have our own private spot....from now on...my gift to you...our very own private view ...just you and me...sunrise...sunset...dusk...anytime...forever."