(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Shattered Dreams

Derek drove as fast as he thought could be possibly safe on the streets of Seattle without getting himself killed and prevent him from reaching Meredith. He continuously attempted to call her but all efforts were in vain as her voicemail answered, and he had left numerous messages pleading, begging her to call him, telling her he loved her.

He had thirteen minutes to reach the ferry or he'd have to wait almost another hour, and was thankful it was not the peak hours where additional boarding time would be required. Regardless, he was already thinking of other options. He'd hire a helicopter if necessary, because he could not wait another ninety minutes to find her.

He reached the terminal and as soon as he drove on to the ferry, walked to the deck and leaned over a railing. He had to find her. He could not let her face this alone. Lost in thought, he remembered the times they had spent standing on these decks, walking, talking, exchanging intimate looks and secrets between them and her standing at a similar spot with him behind her, holding her close and watching the view, and then the dark moments related to ferry boats, the day she drowned.

He recalled their conversation two mornings ago, her feeling, now manifesting itself in the worst and most devastating manner, and she was alone. His phone vibrated and he answered without even looking.

"Meredith, are you ok," he asked with desperation and fear in his voice.

"It's Kathleen...Derek what's going on, what's wrong with Meredith, she left me a message that I could call her, but she's not answering her phone."

"Oh...Kathleen," he paused, and she heard the catch in his voice.

"Derek...no...don't tell me...don't tell me something is wrong..."

"Yeah..." he said, and they both remained quiet until he spoke again. "It's the baby Kathleen...we're not...it wasn't meant to be."

"Derek, what do you mean, exactly?"

"She's...the doctor..." he began and told her all that was happening.

"I'm sorry, Derek, I am so sorry. What can I do, how can I help?"

"Right now, I just need to find her..."

"Do you want me to go...try to find her?"

"You don't even have a car..." he said and she interrupted.

"I can certainly find one, if you think..."

"I would ask you...I should have called you when I realized it...but I lost all focus...and now, we're about five minute away, I will get there faster."

"Derek, this is going to be hard. Devastatingly hard for her, but you...you are going to feel this loss as well."

"I can't worry about me, I just need to find her," he said, "Kathleen, I have to be there, she has to know nothing but her matters, she's..." he paused, "she was happy...so happy, and now...I need for her to be ok...I can't let this... I can't...I can't lose her over this."

"You won't. Derek, it's going to be horrible, having to go through this, but the two of you can deal this with this together, and I know you can. The two of you have come so far, you will be fine. I know you will."

"I hope so," he said choking back tears, "I hope so."

"Derek Christopher, you better listen to me right now. You are going to be fine, and you better believe that before you see her, because she is going to be full of doubts, and Derek, in addition to losing the baby and all that grief, her hormones will be all over the place, that will not be back to normal immediately. You need to know that."

"I know."

"Derek, call me...let me know you've found her."

"We're about to dock, I've got to get to the car and will lose reception. Kat, I'm not sure how I'll find her, emotionally I mean, so instead of me calling you to say I found her, I'll only call you if I don't. Yes, I'm sure she's there."

"Derek, tell her I'm here...if she needs me, I'm here."

"Thanks Kathleen."

"I love you Derek...and I'm sorry."

As he drove off the ferry he became more uneasy, feeling an urgent need to find her, that her well being depended on that. After getting her voice mail once more, he placed a call to Dr. Cameron who took his call immediately and patiently explained exactly what they could expect over the next forty eight hours and the days ahead.

He realized how much hope he had pinned on finding her there, how much of his sanity depended on her being there. He had been certain she would be. That he knew her so well, that she would rush to find some semblance of closure at the one place where they had shared the magic hopes and dreams for their future.

She was standing at the edge of the cliff. Holding herself rigidly still, her arms at her sides, one fist closed, when suddenly she wrapped them around herself and he first saw how she lowered her head, and then how her entire body was shaking as she fell to her knees and sobbed.

Seeing her allowed him to breathe properly once again, knowing at the very least she was safe, that he would reach her within seconds. Likewise, it broke his heart, as he stepped out of his car and began to run to gather her in his arms.

He fell to the ground beside her and as he held her, her sobs increased.

"I'm here...I'm here now..." he said, controlling his own emotions, forcing himself to be strong for her. There would be plenty of time for him to grieve, but his first concern was her.

"I'm ...I'm..." she tried to speak, but her sobs could not be stopped, and he let her cry in his arms until they began to subside.

"Meredith...let me take you home..." he said, and felt her resistance, "please."

"I...I'm sorry..."

"You don't need to apologize...this is not anyone's fault."

"It is..." she said, and began crying softly again, "it is...my fault."

"Listen to me," he said and turned her face to look at him, "you are not at fault...I know that, and you need to know that, these things happen."

"How..." she said, "how can you say that," she argued, "what kind of a doctor am I...and worse, what woman doesn't know how to keep her baby safe...all I do is fail you....and disappoint you....and cause you pain...and I don't...I don't...I can't do that anymore...
I can't..." she sobbed.

"What about me?" he said, as he held her closer, and continued to look in her eyes, "am I not a doctor too...how should I feel when I knew you were pregnant ...suspected it and didn't do anything. I knew that something was not right, that something could be terribly wrong...and I'm supposed to take care of you, I should have insisted we go to the doctor, and I didn't, don't you think I'm responsible too?"

"You are not...you are not at fault," she told him adamantly as she reached and stroked his face.

"Neither are you," he said and softly brushed her lips and tasted her tears on his lips.

"I...I can't do this..." she said as the tears flowed freely.

"We will do this together," he said drawing her closer, both arms around her and reached for her hands, to lace his fingers with hers, and released her closed fist and found the necklace with two hearts.

"You...you took this off..." he said quietly, looking at her intensely.

She gasped before whispering, "baby ...baby bear's gone."

His heart was breaking. He felt the pain of hundreds of pins piercing it over and over again.

"Meredith...you took this off," he said, sadness overwhelming him, "why...my gift to you...why..."

"Our baby...Derek...our baby...our baby is gone," she cried.

"But," he said, trying to be sensitive and not cause her any more pain, attempting to hide the piercing pain in his own heart, "that was my gift to you...our gift to you..."

She looked at him, and he saw the pain, "I let you down...both of you...I let you both down..."

"You have not..."

"I did...I did...baby Shep...and you...and I don't deserve to wear it..."

"You don't deserve to wear it...what does that mean...that ...with our baby gone," he paused, knowing the answer to his next question could break him, "does that mean..." he gulped, "you stop loving me too?"

"Oh God," she said, realizing in the midst of her pain that he was feeling their loss too, "no...I love you...I do...I did not say those words to you lightly...but I don't...I don't deserve wearing it...I don't ..."

"Why...why would you deny my love for you..."

"I'm not...I just..."

"Do you remember," he said, "what I told you when I gave this to you," he said holding his hand open, the chain and two hearts reflecting the sun's rays.

"Yes..."

"Do you really?"

"Yes," she said, as her fingers lightly touched the hearts.

"Tell me...tell me what I said..."

"Derek...please...please don't."

"Tell me," he pleaded, his eyes shining brightly with unshed tears.

"You said...it was from both of you..."

"What else?"

"That you loved me...that you both did..."

"Is that all?"

"Derek...please...stop..."

"I want you to remember..."

"How can I forget?"

"It seems you have..."

"How...how...can you say that...Derek...now...you say that...that's so...it's not..."

"Nice..." he added.

"It's not...you know I haven't...that's why...why I can't wear it...and how can you joke..."

"I'm not...I agree with you, it's not nice...it's horribly sad to me that you would forget my intent for this gift."

"I did not forget...you said it was from both of you...from you and our baby...how could you...how could you..."

"Finish...don't stop now," he said, hating himself for pushing her, but wanting her to tell him her feelings not keep them bottled inside.

"How could you force me to wear something that's from our baby...that you said was supposed to symbolize our baby..." she said touching it, "how can I wear a reminder of my failure every day," she said while attempting to break away from his embrace.

"You are not a failure...and do not pull away..."

"You're being so hurtful Derek...why...I've ...I've..."

"I don't mean to be...I don't, I love you with all my heart...I do...but I needed you to tell me what you're feeling...and I need to remind you what it all means, what we have together, what we mean to each other..."

"It hurts...it hurts so much..."

"I know...Meredith...I know...and I'm hurting too..."

"Oh Derek...I'm sorry... so sorry... I know you're hurting too..."

"We need to get through this together. Meredith, you are not alone...it's our loss."

"I know."

"I wish I could take the physical pain away from you, but I can't, but the other...the emotional pain...let me share that with you."

"I don't want to hurt you...not anymore..."

"You will...if you forget...if you forget all that this meant..."

"It wasn't just the baby...."

"No. Do you remember what I said..."

"Our hearts..." she said, tears continuing to fall, "you and me...our hearts... entwined
forever..."

"Has that changed?"

"No...no..." she said leaning in to kiss him softly, "no that has not changed," she whispered against his lips.

"Tell me," he said, "tell me what you're feeling..."

"I'm ...part of me is numb..."

"Tell me about the other part then...the one that is hurting..."

"I'm...I'm losing our baby....Derek....slowly...our baby is slowly..." she choked back a sob, "I wanted so badly to have him... and love him, and I couldn't even do that right... I couldn't keep our baby safe."

"Do you really love me?"

"Of course...of course I do..." she said.

"Then I want you to do something for me...will you?"

"What?"

"I need for you to stop blaming yourself...because it is not your fault. These things happen...we know this...as doctors, we do know this, and though we may not have thought about it as it relates to us...you know that it is not uncommon..."

"But...Derek...it was...it was our... baby....our baby ..."

"Yes...it was...and our baby may be gone soon...but he is always going to live in our hearts...the thought of our baby boy...or girl...are you going to forget?"

"How...how could you say that...how you could think that..."

"I don't...and I know you don't either...but you need to stop...stop blaming yourself, and we need to just accept this and help each other through it ...help each other heal."

"Will you forgive me..." she asked quietly.

"For what?"

"Our loss...bab...baby Shep's loss..." she whispered.

"No."

She gasped, "Derek...you can't...you can't mean that..."

"I can't forgive you for something you have not done...and I'm going to be very upset if you don't stop this....there is nothing to forgive you for...you have done nothing wrong..."

"You really believe that...Derek...maybe...maybe I could have done something else, something to keep the baby healthy...I had not been drinking a lot, not lately, you know that, but maybe I had some drinks, not many, but they say one could be too many...and if I had listened to you when you thought I could be pregnant, if I had gone to the doctor right way, maybe there was something to be done...you can't be sure and neither can I..." she cried.

"I can be sure."

"No..."she whispered, "you can't."

"I spoke to Dr. Cameron, on my way here...it happens, there was nothing that you could do to prevent it."

"You did...are you sure he said that..."

"Yes, he did, and now we need to go home, you need to rest."

"That's not going to help things."

"It's not going to keep things from happening, but it will help that you rest."

"Derek...how did you know...why did you come here to find me?"

"I knew...know how much this place has meant to you, to us...our magical night, your dream...your dream for us...our family...it's here."

"It was...Derek...it was...now...it's gone..."

"Your dream is not gone...it can still happen..."

"I don't know...we don't..."

"I do know...our dreams can come true...remember it's part of my dream too..."

"Do you believe that..."

"Yes...I do..."

"Derek...the moment I knew...I might really be pregnant, I loved our baby..."

"I know you did."

He felt her tense and flinch and the barely audibly gasp.

"What's wrong? What are you feeling?"

She took a deep breath, "the cramps...the cramping...it's getting worse."

"We need to go...let me help you up, we need to go."

"Wait..." she said softly, "let me...just..." she stopped as she cried.

"It's ok...you're going to be ok..."

"I'm so scared...Derek, I'm so scared..."

"I'm going to be with you...I'm not leaving your side."

"Thank you."

"For what..."

"Loving me..."

"I'm the one that needs to thank you...you saved my life...you gave me hope again..."

"Oh, Derek..." she cried... "but now..."

"Remember..."

"I...it...it hurts so much..."

"You're in pain...Meredith, I need to take you to the hospital."

"No...it's my heart, Derek...my heart is filled with pain."

"So is mine...for our loss...but most of all, seeing you like this."

"I'm being selfish...I have to be strong for you..."

"All I need is for you to let me take care of you...please...you promised you'd let me take care of you..."

"That...that was when it was...it was us...."

"That was always because of you...you are my life...then the baby...but taking care of you...always you."

"I love you Derek."

"I love you too."

"I think..." she said flinching in pain again, "we may need to go."

"Let me help you," he said, and started to get up, but she reached for his hand stopping him.

"Do you...do you...still want me to wear this..." she said holding her hand out for the pendant.

"Only if you want to wear it. I don't want to cause you any more pain."

"I came here...Derek...I came to say goodbye..."

"I know you did...that's how I knew, Lexie told me you said something about saying goodbye."

"My hopes Derek...they were gone...my dream...our family gone...with our baby... shattered dreams," she cried "gone...with baby bear."

"They are not...your dream, our dreams will come true, one day...Meredith, they will come true," he said and kissed her softly, the taste of tears from two heartbroken lovers, two heartbroken parents on their lips.

"Will you put this on again...and remind me...it's from you...and..."

He placed the necklace around her neck, two hearts shining brightly with the reflection of the sun.

"This, this gift is from me...the man that loves you more than I ever though possible, our hearts entwined for always, because you're the only thing I need...in my life, nothing else matters if I don't have you ..." he paused, and wiped a tear from her face, "and our baby... who won't be with us, but no matter how much time goes by, no matter where baby Shep will be, we know there will always be a place in our hearts for our baby...for always."

"Oh, Derek...I wish...I wish...I could have held our baby in my arms...I wish I could have seen the look in you face when we first felt him move...when I could place him in your arms for the first time....I'm sorry," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry..."

He got up, and gently lifted her and carried her to the car, all the while soothing her and whispering gentle and tender words of love.

He ignored the need for seatbelts and held her close to his side as he drove.

"Where...where are you going?" she said noticing the direction he took.

"Home."

"No, I want to stay here...I don't want to go to my house, I want to stay here."

"Meredith, it's better...if we're in Seattle...if we're close to the hospital."

"No....I want to stay here, please..."

"there could be complications...please...let's go ..."

"Derek...it's a miscarriage," she said, uttering the words for the first time, "there's nothing they can do....please let me be here, in your bed...please...in this place where we first discovered love."

"I can't...I can't let anything happen to you, it's not safe..."

"It will be fine...please..." she pleaded with tears in her eyes, and he gave in.

They reached his trailer and he carried her inside. "Put me down," she said softly,
"I need, need to go to the bathroom."

He took her to the door and put her down, and kissed her softly. "I'm going to take a shower, then I'll lay down."

"I'll be right there, if you need me...call for me..."

When he heard the water running, he called Kathleen.

"Derek, is she ok?"

"We're at my place."

"Derek, you should be in Seattle."

"She did not want to go."

"How is she coping? How is she feeling?"

"She's doing as well as we can expect. The cramps are getting worse, she's in he shower, and said she'd lie down after that."

"And you?'

"I have to be fine. For her."

"Will you call me, if you need anything?"

"Yes. Kathleen, tell Mark and Lexie."

"Derek, this is not going to be easy, you know that. You have to watch her too, any complications...they can become quite serious."

"I spoke with Dr. Cameron, he told me what to expect, what to do."

"Ok. Let me know if she needs me...or if you do."

"I will. I love you Kathleen, I'm glad you're here."

"So am I."

She came out of the shower and he could tell she had no stopped crying, and gathered her in his arms and led her the short distance to the bed and sat down next to her.

"Will you...Derek...will you lie down with me?"

"Of course I will," he said and leaned down softly to kiss her.

"I just don't know...I don't know how long it will be..." she said in an apologetic tone.

"I told you, I'm here...I'm not leaving you."

She took a deep breath, "thank you..."

"Don't thank me...I would not be anywhere else."

She looked at him, deep sadness and despair reflected in her eyes, "it wont' be long, I don't think...the cramps...the ...the bleeding...it's worse."

He gathered her in his arms, "I'll be here...as long as you need me."

"Who were you talking to?"

"Kathleen. She was concerned about you, that she could not reach you."

"Oh...my phone...I left it...it's in the car."

"That's why I left you so many messages...and who knows how many missed calls."

"I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking.... I just drove...and when I got here...just...it didn't matter."

"I'll be right back...ok..."

"Where are you going?"

"Get you something to eat."

"Derek, I can't....I can't... eat..."

"A cup of tea... at least..."

"Ok."

He came back and made sure she drank the tea, and then laid down beside her and held her in his arms, neither uttering a word. He continued caressing her, gently, soothingly, while every once in a while he would feel her wince and reach for his hand and then she would rise from the bed and shortly return from the bathroom.

"I was not running from you," she said softly, it had been at least three hours since they had arrived at the trailer.

"What do you mean?"

"Today...when I left the hospital, I could not stand to be there anymore...I had to leave...I didn't not know how much longer I had...how much longer it would be before our baby was gone..."

"Shhh...you don't have to talk about it...it's ok..."

"I want to talk...I need to tell you...I needed to say goodbye...but I wasn't running from you..."

"I can accept that...but, couldn't you let me know...so I could find you faster, so I would know...right away..."

"But you did...the minute you finished your surgery you came looking for me...I knew you would..."

"Meredith..."

"I did Derek...and if you hadn't I would have called you....I was not going to stay at the cliff forever...I was going to come here, and I would have called you..."

"That's... ok...I understand..."

"Do you?"

"I'm trying to...I just wish you had waited...maybe at your house...I could have come with you..."

"I didn't know how much time....how much time was left...and you couldn't have done anything...you couldn't have done anything more...."

"But you're wrong...instead of being alone, crying, saying good bye, we would have done it together, and we should be crying together."

"I didn't want you to go through that...I knew how much it means to you...how much it would hurt, I didn't want it to be something else I disappointed you with."

"I already told you...you have not disappointed me and from the moment you found out about our baby...that our baby would not make it, that his heartbeat was slowly..." he paused, "slowly diminishing, I would have driven here with you, and be here holding you and comforting you and telling you I love you, and reassure you that these things happen, and it's ok, there can be other babies, if you want, and Meredith I could have held you and cried with you...from the very beginning...instead of you here alone."

"All my life... I've been alone...it's been just me...I'm used to doing things ....Derek, so many painful things alone...and I never thought I would be a Mom...I never allowed myself to dream...but with you...since you...I hoped...and now..."

"But you don't have to...not anymore...Meredith...we agreed, not to pull away from each other..."

"I'm not...Derek....I'm not...and all those things...all those things you said...you're doing them now..."

"I wish...so much...I wish I could make this go away...that you didn't have to go through this..."

"I wish the same thing...Derek, and also that you did not need to feel this loss too."

"We're going to work things out together and neither of us is allowed to push the other away... ever again..."

"I won't..."

"I love you."

"Me too..." she said and they again lay in silence, just holding each other.

As the sun had set, it cast and eerie and foreboding shadow over their bed, and Meredith got up and when she returned to the bed he immediately reached out for her and spooning her held her close.

"How long...how long did Dr. Cameron say it would be...after...after heavier..."

"Probably no more than eight hours..." he said.

"It shouldn't be long then..." she said, shattering his heart and hers into pieces.

The night sky darkened in the hours that followed, heavy fog descending eliminating any possibility of viewing the typical starry nights and then the rain began to fall, splattering loudly against the aluminum roof of the trailer.

He held her through the long hours, approaching midnight and still neither could sleep. They lay in each other's arms, waiting for that final moment when hope would be no more.

He heard her whimper, and a broken sob.

"Meredith..."

"It's almost over..."

He kissed the back of her neck softly, tenderly caressing her, while she reached for his hand and laid it gently on her abdomen.

"What can I do?"

"It's almost over... Derek...five days...we knew about our baby five days...and it's not fair," she cried, "we didn't even get a due date...Derek...not even that..."

"But we know...we know...when our baby would have been due..." he said tenderly,
"we both remember that day..." he said, and felt her calm down.

"We did...we do..."

"And we'll never forget ...how much love...how much love we shared that day..."

"Derek," she said long minutes after that, "do you remember, when you first kissed me... kissed our baby...and talked to him...didn't even know if there was a baby...but you said...this is the first time," she paused, choking back tears, "the first time we tell you we love you."

"Yes," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion.

She turned to face him, each on their sides gazing in each other's eyes, and she held his face in her hands and gently placed her lips on his.

"This kiss," she said, unable to keep from crying, "this kiss...would you kiss our baby goodbye... a kiss from me..." she said tears rolling down her face.

"Oh Meredith...don't...please...don't...I can't..."

"Derek, for me...please...a kiss goodbye," she pleaded, and lay down against the pillows, reaching for his hand and gently squeezed.

He cleared his throat, and placed his hand on her abdomen, no longer able to contain his own emotions, tears trailed down his cheeks.

"Hey little one," he paused, "it hasn't been that long you know...since we found out about you...and welcomed you into our world...the though of you...made us..." he stopped, "made your mommy and I so happy...but now...we need to say goodbye, and we are so sad...and we are going to miss you...but you are always going to be in our hearts," he said, and continued to hear her soft cries.

He removed his hand and bent over her and placed a kiss on her belly, where their child would have continued to grow.

"Little one, this kiss is from your mommy..." he heard her sob, "who loves you so much, and wanted so much to have you...and hold you and this one is from me...we loved you very much."

His voice had broken, and she had reached out to him, bringing his face near to hers, and unexpectedly he placed a kiss on her lips and whispered, "this kiss is from baby bear...for his mommy," and neither could nor wanted to hold back their emotions and reached for each other, finding comfort in each other's embrace as both cried their pain and heartbreak away.

Her discomfort had become worse, and he helped her walk to the bathroom, waiting for her, when he heard the heartbreaking sobs, and he wanted, needed to go in, but allowed her the privacy he suspected she needed.

She walked out and fell into his embrace.

"It's done...Derek...our baby...our baby is gone..." she sobbed.

He picked her up and sat down on the bed, cradling her in his arms, "our baby will never be gone...our baby...his soul...will be with us always...just as we will never be alone, neither will baby bear...baby Shep will live in our hearts and our love in his...or hers..."

He laid her down, and held her, long into the hours of the night when finally the physical consequences and emotional exhaustion and his continuous tender soothing touch and gentle words lulled her to sleep. Meanwhile, his own grief was manifested by allowing silent tears to fall.

She felt safe, only as he could make her feel, but then as she drifted off to sleep she sensed an overwhelming peacefulness, beyond anything else she had ever experienced, and had she been awake she would have sworn she heard the whispers from a far. A whisper of assurance that prayers are answered, she already had a family and now, though her loss was devastating her prayers had been answered, she had already been given strength and courage and with time she would find acceptance.

Then later, deep into the night, if she remembered a new dream, she would recall the faint laughter of children, again filling their land, near the same porch, but this time, it was their grandchildren. She and Derek stood smiling from their bedroom window, his arms around her waist, nibbling at her neck and then hearing the repeated calls for Mom & Dad, walked out of their bedroom hand in hand ready to join the rest of their family.