(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Three Souls

They drove to her house in silence, her hand in his, fingers entwined and every so often gently squeezed by one or the other.

There was so much to say. So many emotions whose voices hungered to be heard, but they had reached that moment, that overwhelming moment of transformation and peaceful acceptance, when in the midst of their world beginning to unravel, all they needed was a gentle touch offering comfort and safety and healing, until they could face the inevitable moment when they would both fall apart.

He walked around to open her door and reached for her hand while she offered a gentle smile, though deep sadness filled her eyes as he leaned in and touched her forehead with his, and then brushed her lips with his.

They walked slowly to her front door and when he'd closed it behind them, she leaned against him and simply whispered, "hold me," and he did, for long minutes, until he pulled away, and led her to the couch, where he settled her back against his chest, and wrapped his arms around her and they held each other in complete silence.

"Derek," she said softly, "I'm scared."

"What are you scared about?"

"I don't want anything to go wrong...but...if it happens...I'm scared, I don't know what to expect...how do I prepare for this, all the years of medical training...and now...if something is wrong...how do I cope with it...what do I do..."

"We said we'd hold on to hope..."

"I know," she said, and turned to look at him, biting her lower lip then lowering her gaze as tears filled her eyes, "I know," she whispered, and reached for his hand.

"There's more you're not saying," he said as he gently lifted her chin and their eyes met.

"There is..."

"Tell me...share your sadness with me..."

He heard a quiet broken sob, "my heart...Derek...my heart is filled with sadness..."

He kissed her tears away, "so is mine...but...we don't know...we don't...know that all hope is lost..."

"Derek...can you imagine...how it feels..." she whimpered, "to know you only are responsible for nurturing...and loving this tiny little being...inside of you...and that you didn't...that you failed to keep...this little unexpected...this part of you and me, Derek... and to know I failed to keep our baby safe...and healthy..."

"No, I can't imagine," he said honestly, "but I do know one thing..."

"What..." she asked softly.

"I know that our baby...since you found out..." he said, and gently caressed her abdomen, "has been loved...and is wanted so badly...that there's been nothing but joy...in your heart about our unexpected and wonderful surprise..."

"I love our baby...Derek...I do...when ...I never...ever imagined how I would feel about kids...about having a baby...and then...we found out...we had...baby bear..."she smiled, while crying at the same time. " I found out what it felt like to love someone so much...so unconditionally...and my heart is breaking...Derek...it is...I thought..." she paused, "I thought...I knew what that was like before...but now...the possibility...just the possibility...I didn't keep our baby safe...it's breaking my heart...and I know...it's hurting you...and...if that happens...I know...you may...you may want..." she stopped, as tears continued to slide down her cheeks.

"What do you know...what do you think I may want ..."

"You may...you may want to turn away from me..." she said, turning away and avoiding meeting his gaze.

He inhaled sharply and turned her face to look at him, "Listen to me..." he said, gently
cupping and caressing her face while pushing stray hairs away, "I don't know why you are feeling this way, why you think I would turn away...well, maybe I do...because I have not been very reliable in the past...but I can promise you I am never going to turn away from you...we are in this together...and we have to learn to trust each other in every way...trust each other not to turn away...but most important, trust and believe that no matter what happens, we are going to deal with things together, and never doubt we will. Meredith, we will get through this...and anything else life throws our way...the bad...and the sad...and the joys...but most of all...we have to trust that you and I are meant to have a lifetime of love to share...because I have no doubts about that...not one single doubt..."

"But...Derek...if...if I lose our baby..." she cried softly, "it will be my fault...Derek...and our baby..." she continued to cry quietly in his arms.

"Meredith," he said, kissing her softly, " I have seen you...I have felt your emotions since we found...and I know that there's never been a baby more loved by its mom than ours...and if for any reason...any reason at all...there is something wrong....it has nothing to do with anything you did...I know that, not only as a doctor," he paused, to get his emotions in check, "but as our baby's dad."

"Oh, Derek..." she said, tears pooling in her eyes, "you were going to be a dad...and I was going to be a mom..."

"Hey, we don't know that it's all over...we have to wait, till we see Dr. Cameron tomorrow, and then in three days...he said we'd do another ultrasound."

"I'm sorry...this is hard...so hard...and our baby...Derek...our baby..."

"And our baby...what Meredith...do I think what..." he said so very gently, and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Do you think ...Derek...do you think our baby has a soul ...do you think baby Shep knows how much love we felt...how much he...or she is loved..."

He had tried to be strong for her, tried to keep his own tears at bay, but to hear the heartache in her voice, and hear her talk about their baby's soul make him lose his constraint.

"I...I ...I think," he said, to choked up to speak, "I think, baby Shep...has a beautiful soul...and knows how much his mommy and daddy love him...or her...no matter what happens...always will...no matter what happens Meredith, our baby's soul will always be a part of us...three souls...three hearts...that became just one...for always..."

She cried at his words, at the beautiful choice of words to express the sadness and love in their hearts, and she knew she would never love him more that at that moment and she knew that their love for each other would get them through whatever the future held.

She brought his hand to rest on her abdomen and laid her hand on top of his.
"I'm still going to hope...I am...that baby bear...is safe..."

"Baby bear is very lucky...to have such a beautiful Mama Bear looking out for him...and people that already love him...his godfather and godmother...and his wise aunt Kathleen...and mean gruff bear Miranda..."

"And..." she said, kissing him, "especially his Papa Bear..."

"Thank you," he said, and she saw the raw vulnerability and the depth of and meaning her words had conveyed.

"Derek..."

"Yes..."

"Do you...do you pray?"

"Not as much as I should..."

"Will you pray with me now," she said, and undid his resolve, as they reached for each other and held one another in peaceful and painful silence.

They stretched out on the couch in each other's embrace, time standing still, until he felt the vibration of his phone and retrieved it to answer.

"Derek," he heard Kathleen say, "is everything all right? I expected to hear from you or Meredith."

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice low and slightly hoarse, "I forgot to call you, we...we had a bit of unexpected news."

"Derek...that doesn't sound good."

"We're not sure yet...Meredith has to go back to the doctor tomorrow."

"Oh, Derek, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah..."

"How is she? How are you?"

"We're coping...we're ok..." he said as he gently stroked Meredith's arm.

"Are you with Meredith? Is she working?"

"Bailey sent her home, Dr. Cameron didn't...but we're home."

"Look, I'm going to play tourist all day, and you two spend the day together."

"No," Meredith told him, having heard the conversation, "go spend some time with her."

"I'm not going to leave you."

"Derek, just tell her to get some rest, and I'll see you both, later tonight..."

She grabbed the phone from Derek, "Kathleen," she said, her voice a bit shaky, "I think...it would be good for Derek to spend some time with you..."

"Honey, he wants to be with you..."

"I know, I want to be with him too...but I think, you should spend some time together, and I'm going to take a nap...and you two can have lunch...and maybe, after that, you...if you don't mind...I could spend some time with you too," she said hesitantly.

"Of course I will spend some time with you..."

"I'm going to put Derek back on the phone...ok...and I'll see you later."

"Kathleen...I'm not sure..."

"Derek, give her some time...she needs some time..."

"I'm going to be fine...Derek...I'm going to get some sleep...that can't be bad..."

"Ok...Kathleen, where are you? I'll meet you in about an hour," he said and disconnected the call.

"Meredith, I don't really want to leave you."

"I really do want to get some sleep."

"You don't want me here?"

"I do...but, I do want to sleep...I'm tired...exhausted...and you can spend that time with your sister, and then come back here."

"Ok, do you want me to get you something to eat, before I leave?"

"No...maybe later."

"I'll walk with you upstairs," he said, and they went to her room.

Meredith changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and got in bed, and he came to sit next to her. "Derek, Dr. Cameron gave you an envelope when we were ready to leave, what was it?"

He had forgotten about it, and retrieved from his inside coat pocket. Neither was ready for its content, as he opened and revealed two identical copies of their baby's sonogram.

"Oh..."she gasped softly, "oh my God..." and reached for the pictures.

"Meredith," he said with deep concern, seeing her emotional reaction.

"Derek...look...look at our baby..." she said, as her fingers gently traced the image, "it's a tiny miracle..."

"Yes," he said with deep emotion, "it is...it really is..."

"Derek...maybe...maybe...when we go tomorrow...things are better...the lab work, may show better HCG levels...and...in a couple of days...we could hear a stronger heartbeat..."

"That's what we're going to keep praying for..." he said.

"Yes...yes we are...faith," she said, "you asked me for that once, remember..."

"How can I ever forget...?"

"We had to wait a little...but...we turned out right...didn't we...even if took some time..." she asked filled with hope.

"We turned out just right..."

"Isn't it amazing..." she said, still holding the picture, "how tiny they are...and then they grow...and...it's amazing...truly a miracle of life.." she said, as she kissed him, and he saw the tears in her eyes.

"Meredith, are you going to be ok...staying here...Kathleen would understand."

"I will be fine..."

"You know I'm not very fond of that word..."

"I am going to be ok...I'm going to sleep and when you get back...I will be just fine."

"Uhmmm."

"Derek, before you go, there's something more I want to talk to you about...something that's bothering me..."

"What...what's wrong?"

"Nothing wrong...well, there is...but not really..."

"What?"

"In the lounge...Cristina...earlier today..."

"I'm sorry... I told you...I am truly sorry, it was my responsibility to make sure you were not made more upset."

"No, Derek. I don't want you to say you're sorry, I think you were right, in many of the things you said...and Cristina had no right to say the things she did, and I've tried, I have...to make her understand, but she doesn't, and I just want you to know, that it will never be acceptable for her to treat you like that again."

"Meredith...it's ok...I understand how she is...I do...and I know she has your best interest at heart, I do know that, I just wish she was more sensitive to your needs."

"Derek, I do mean it... if she wants to continue to be my friend, she needs to stop."

"Hey, I'm going to talk to her..."

"No, you don't have to, it's between us, Cristina and I will have to work it out."

"Meredith, I know I upset you today...and I want to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Derek...really, she needs to understand...if she wants to be my friend..."she said, and he heard and saw the sadness she expressed.

"You need your friend, Meredith...even if she's not living up to your expectations right now...she's been there for you, many times...especially when I wasn't..."

"Derek...we're ok...the two of us...and I'm not going to allow her to undermine what we've accomplished...what these last two weeks have meant to me...to us...to our future together...that's what I want you to know...that no matter what, you are my priority."

"I love you...I love you more than you can possibly imagine..."

"I can...I can imagine...because it's as I love you..."

"You need your friends...and that includes Cristina...and Alex, Izzie...and George...and I'm not going to interfere with those relationships..."

"Derek...they are important...they've been my family...but now...they need to accept you...they need to accept us..."

"They will...I know they will."

"I just wanted you to know...what you did today...what you said...standing up for me...nobody's done that for me Derek...you're the only one..."

"That's what I'm here for..." he said, and tried to bring a bit of lightness to the conversation, "though lately...I'm begging to wonder if I have competition..."

"What?" she asked a bit confused.

"Your other 'knight'..." he said, and it brought a smile to her face.

"My other knight is a manwhore..." she laughed.

"Well then, maybe I don't have competition..."

"Derek, there's never been any...since I fell in love with you...since the day I knew I loved you..."

"Since you fell in love with me...when?"

"The day I took your hand...on faith...and we opened our hearts and souls to loving each other...for a lifetime."