(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Lover's Quarrel Part 3

Meredith heard almost everything Derek had said and when he left walked downstairs.

"Thanks Lexie, I couldn't handle seeing him tonight" and without giving her the opportunity to say anything else added, "I'll see you in the morning." She then picked up the floor plans and went back to her room placing them atop the armoire, hidden from view.

She cried herself to sleep, though sleeping for more than an hour's time was impossible, and spent half the night awake, thinking and unable to fully comprehend how it had all come crumbling down. Ever since Derek had told her, in no uncertain terms, what he wanted, she had been trying to make an effort and get ready to make the commitment, the problem was, she admitted long into the sleepless night, she had no idea how.

When he'd first said the words, after postponing their weekend getaway, her first reaction was to run, run away from the emotions, but she knew immediately she couldn't, so she had told him she'd get ready, and she had been trying. Then she had been secretly elated, what woman wouldn't be, to hear the man she loves, though she hadn't admitted that to him in a very long while, tell her he wants to marry her, have kids with her, spend a lifetime together. But then, she'd been angry, that he'd placed a condition to it, that he'd wait unless he found someone else that was willing to give him what he wanted from her. Ultimately, she had decided she'd work at her issues, because, even though she did not admit it to him, or even to herself until recently, she did not want to lose him. She loved him.

The first thing had been putting her mother to rest. He didn't give her credit for her efforts and she'd really though he saw her efforts, though it wasn't quite as quick as he wanted. But, how could he not see it, how could he doubt her feelings. Part of her knew she was being unfair, she expected him to see through her actions, though she rarely expressed herself fully, but hadn't he noticed she was spending more time with him, staying longer, hesitating before she left his bed and holding him close to her longer and longer unwilling to feel the separation that ultimately came when he got up to leave her bed.

The hours of restlessness gave her lots of time to think, and along with that came facing some realities, and she recognized she is partly to blame, as there are so many issues left unsettled, so many things they don't discuss. She didn't even talk to him about the fact she washed her mother's ashes down the drain in the scrub room, with only Richard Webber present. But, then again, he knew she brought the ashes to work, in fact, helped pick them up off the floor, and he didn't ask her what she'd finally done to resolve it.

She had to face the situation, the horrible mess they'd made of things, and part of that meant taking some of the responsibility, though she was so angry and disappointed with him that she really wanted to place all the blame exclusively on him. But, most of all, she had to acknowledge she didn't know how or if they could work things out. Now, she realized her fears of losing him were well founded, because, now, she was truly afraid it was over.

Finally, she cried herself to sleep one last time that night until the alarm clock jarred her awake.
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Derek was miserable. He was terrified.

When he walked out the door and went to his car, he sat paralyzed by fears, unable to move, until he saw the light in her room turn to darkness, and then his world came crashing down as he fully grasped the consequences of his actions.

The drive to the trailer was a torturous gamut of dark emotions. Loss and fear the epicenter of each thought, oftentimes blinded by the tears he was unable to stop.

He loved this woman. He loved Meredith Grey with a depth he'd never experienced. Once he had thought Addison was the love of his life, he had even said that to her when she came to Seattle, until he realized what he'd felt for her all those years was but a
miniscule emotion compared to his feelings for Meredith. Feelings that had never been more evident than the day he thought he had lost her forever, the day she had drowned, and his life came to a standstill until the moment he knew she'd survived.

He reached his land and parked far away from the trailer, unwilling and unable to risk the possibility of facing Richard. He couldn't see anyone right now. He parked the car and turned off the headlights, and gave in to the raw emotion that had been threatening to overpower him all night, especially from the moment Lexie attempted to give him back the floor plans. She'd given up.

"She asked me to give you this," she had told him, but he'd refuse to take them back.

Derek crossed his arms over the steering wheel, lowered his head and cried. Heart wrenching, gulping sobs for every second of pain he had caused her, for every moment she felt he had failed her, for every tear she had cried in his arms, and most of all for every day she had been in his life, in his arms and now seemed irrevocably lost forever.

His thoughts were a jumbled mess. He loved Meredith. She was the love of his life. He knew these two things to be his greatest weakness and his greatest joy. Weakness because the thought of losing her, of living without her made him realize nothing mattered without her, nothing was worthwhile without her at his side to share it. Joy...he thought, joy was what she brought to his life, every touch, every look, every caress, every moment of simply breathing in her scent, every minute of hopeful expectation that they would share a lifetime brought joy to his heart, as only one woman had ever done. She had brought joy to his life, and when he looked at her for the last time, he knew he was responsible for extinguishing the flame of hope he'd seen in her eyes moments before it all came crashing down around them.

How the hell had he let things get out of control. A psychiatrist would have a field day with him. He loved this woman, yet everything he had done in the last 24 hours would indicate exactly the opposite. There obviously had to be some deep rooted psychological trauma that had him acting this way, and he almost hoped there was, because otherwise, his actions were those of a deranged man, almost purposely sabotaging himself, his dreams, his hopes to build a life with this woman, whom he adored, yet had managed with a few words and actions inexplicable even to himself, to shatter their dreams.

Derek walked the distance to the trailer, a defeated man entered his home.

He spent a sleepless a night, examining feelings, flaws and fears, but found no answers, no clues to what to do next. He was a broken man, thinking about everything that had taken place between them, especially in the last twenty-four hours.

She gave him back the house plans, even if he didn't take them, it was still her intention.
She'd accused him repeatedly of breaking his promise, of not being there for her, and he spent the night thinking about every time he had walked away from Meredith Grey, and tried to make sense of what had happened, of what he had done.

As dawn drew near, all he knew without any doubts, was he had to find a way to gain her trust, to get her back, to prove to her he loved her, because the other options were unacceptable. He had to figure out the way to stop it all from continuing the spiral downfall that seemed inevitable. Life without Meredith wasn't living; it was a mere existence he was not willing to endure.

The rising sun, unlike so may other mornings shared, failed to bring comfort and hope to the two estranged lovers that had laid awake most of the night longing for each others embrace.

The setting sun, however, would bring additional heartache and discoveries, that neither would comprehend nor fathom could possibly be setting the stage and guiding their path to the inevitable and fated period of growth and healing, and leading them back to each others gentle, caring and passionate embrace.