(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Never Again

He could feel her slipping away behind her wall of avoidance; and literally felt her need to dive face first into the river of denial she embraces like the warmth of a gentle and relaxing bath. He was not going to allow it, but the problem was how to handle it, because they were skating on thin ice, and he wasn't sure how they would survive another crack, no matter how small.

"Meredith," he said again, "I know that since I saw you this afternoon, something has happened, something that has upset you enough that you didn't want to see me and you felt the need to lie to me about it, and you don't want me touching you," he paused and swallowed past the lump in his throat, "I need for you to tell me what it is."

"It's nothing," she said avoiding his eyes, but did not attempt to let go of his hand again.

"It's something, and you need to tell me," he said as he cupped her chin and turned her face to look at him. "You've been crying, I can tell and I don't mean just now, when I walked in and saw you wipe the tears away."

"It's not important Derek, really, I just need to work out some things..."

"If you have things to work out, then we need to work on them together," he paused, "please... let's be open with each other, I don't see this working any other way."

"You...you...don't see this working..." she whispered softly.

"Is that really what you heard me say," he asked, as he experienced overwhelming regret, knowing that he was somehow responsible for her current insecurities.

"You...you said..."

"I said we need to be open with each other, because I don't see this working any other way. That means that if we are not honest and communicate what we are feeling, we will be making this much harder than it needs to be, and we're not giving ourselves the chance to make our relationship work as quickly as we can," he said as he continued to caress her hand, his thumb tracing gentle movements on hers, "it means we need to learn from what has not worked for us in the past and how we can change those things that are keeping us from being happy."

"You're...you're not happy...Derek, do I ever make you happy?" This time, she did pull her hand away from his.

"Do I?"

"You do...you are making me happy...but...when things...like today..."

He saw one tear escape out of the corner of her eye and reached out for her. Holding her face in his hands he kissed her, softly at first and then attempted to deepen their kiss, but she did not respond and he pulled away.

"I can't very well do anything about this, if you don't tell me what's going on," he said, and realized he sounded a bit too defensive.

"You didn't answer my question...do I... ever make you happy?"

"Just being in your presence makes me happy...but moments like this make me very sad...because I know I'm responsible."

"Derek," she said quietly as lowered her head, "I know...I know I was wrong in lying to you about being in surgery."

"Why did you?"

"I wasn't ready to see you or talk to you...because...well, you might think I'm silly and immature...but...it's my feelings Derek, it's what I felt...because..."

"Meredith...you know," he paused, gathering his thoughts, "we're both doctors...and in order for us to help our patients, they need to tell us how they feel and what is wrong with them, otherwise, there's nothing we can do to make them better."

"I know..."

"You and me...if we don't tell each other how we feel, we can't begin to get better, we can't help each other heal..."

"You think we're sick...that our relationship is sick..." she said and finally looked into his eyes.

He laughed because he didn't know any other way to react. "Ok... I did not mean to laugh, I swear I didn't...

"Fine, I can see how important this conversation is to you... you want to laugh at me...I'm leaving..."

"No you are not," he told her as he held her before she could get up. "Mer, you're twisting everything I've said...it's not funny, but in a way it is... in a purely, I love you...I adore you...but you're driving me crazy...sort of way...and don't say it... do not repeat that I'm driving you crazy...and look at me with sad puppy eyes."

"I don't really see the humor Derek."

"Meredith, you're twisting what I say...and I'm not going to bring up the word again. But, you need to work with me on this...maybe just wait a little before you respond to what I'm saying...maybe... be a little more objective...instead of jumping at everything
I say... and taking it out of context."

"The word you are avoiding is irrational..." she told him, and shocked him by laughing, "and you maybe right...about that...but only as it pertains to this conversation...not the other times...you've accused me of it...well, you and Lexie and Cristina..."

"So...what do we do next... we spell the word...instead of saying it ...like S.E.X in front of children...so they don't understand," he teased her, feeling just a bit more optimistic they might have a more rational conversation.

He could not help but smirk, if she isn't pregnant, he thought than I am, and smiled at his own irrationality.

"What are you smirking about?"

"You laughed...and it does wonderful things to my heart to hear it."

"Derek...that is so...so...corny..."

"You have that effect on me..."

She was quiet and he could almost hear the wheels turning, and reached out and placed his hand on her arm, gently caressing her.

"Will you please tell me what happened?"

"I had a long conversation with Cristina today."

"That's what upset you?"

"No, but it's sort of related."

"Tell me," he coaxed, and reached out to hold her hand, fingers intertwined.

"You're right, what you said earlier, about doctors and needing to heal... and you and
me...helping to heal each other. I didn't tell her I was going to start going to therapy, but I did tell her that I was allowing myself to feel and deal with those emotions...and by turning away from you tonight I recognize I was doing what I've always done in the past...instead of dealing with things..."

"I can understand that...but, we really do need to work on this ...both of us..."

"Derek, I know, and I will... I am, but today...well it was just unexpected...and I sort of just shut down..."

"Why didn't you tell her you've decided to go to therapy?"

"Because...well, you know Cristina...and I don't want sarcasm...I want...I need..."

"You...need someone that cares about you and wants to nurture and support you...and love you unconditionally...while all of these emotions surface...you want someone to be there...and help you face them..."

"Yes..."

"Let me be there...let's do this together...let me be all those things to you."

"I will...I'll let you...you're going to have to be there, Derek...I don't think I can do it alone."

"You won't be alone...I'll be there whenever you need me."

"Derek...in case you forget...and I forget to tell you...I always need you."

"I need you too."

"I called and made an appointment with Dr. Beaumont."

"When are you going? Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, not yet."

"I'm proud of you Meredith."

"That's what the Chief said...when I came across him a little earlier...he had called her and she told him I'd already made an appointment. It's hard Derek, for me to accept that anyone is proud of me."

"You need to get used to it..."

"Derek...it means a lot to me...when you're not disappointed in me."

"You now what I would like?"

"What?"

"That you stop thinking about disappointing anyone... you are a gentle, loving and caring woman who can never be a disappointment to any of us who love you."

"Even when...as you said... I'm driving you crazy."

"I'm not going to answer that," he smiled. "I know a set up when I hear it."

His phone rang, and he saw the caller ID and let it go to voice mail.

"Aren't you going to answer that?"

"It's Mark, he wanted for me to meet him at Joe's at eight."

"How late is it, Derek, I need to get back."

"We're not finished, if there's anything urgent, they can page you."

"Really Derek, I have to go."

"What happened to upset you?"

"Are you going to meet up with Mark?"

"Yes."

"Then I better tell you."

"Wait...this has to do with Mark," he raised his voice slightly "what the hell did he do?"

"He didn't do anything wrong, but since you're going to see him, and he has a big mouth, I should tell you myself."

"Why do I get the feeling this is not good, not when it involves Mark."

"Didn't you say something about not jumping to conclusion," she remarked.

"I don't recall," he said with a smile.

"I was paged to surgery, one of his earlier this afternoon..."

"Are you going to draw this out..."

"You can't rush me...if I'm talking, you can't rush me."

"I'm not rushing you...I just need to figure out how much time I'm going to need to kill him."

"Derek, today...he was a very good friend...I'd never seen that side of him...and I don't know how I'd have got through the moment without him."

"Ok...what happened...and yes, he has his moments."

"He had a really good moment today..."

"Meredith, are you trying to make me jealous?"

"I thought you don't get jealous."

"I lied."

"Good then, we're even, but he thought you might get jealous," she said unable to resist teasing him, "in fact, he thought if you'd walked in when we were..."

"Meredith, what the hell happened."

"I told you it's my story to tell."

"Not anymore...not if that man whore is doing something even he thinks I might..."

"Get jealous enough ...to not let him be best man..."

"You're going to pay for this...just when you least want me to be slow...I'm going to take things very very slow..."

"Derek,"she reprimanded, "this is not about sex."

"Who said it was?"

"Two can play at this game..."

"Yes...you're right..."

"Promise..."

"Promise...now get on with it, before there's no more waiting or taking things slow."

She looked at him, his mouth, and suddenly wondered why in the world they were taking things slow, when all she wanted at that moment was to capture his lips with hers and have him ravish her for hours.

She immediately stopped the direction her thoughts were taking, that was certainly not what she wanted, not after how she'd felt earlier today, and she was not liking the fact that even she was beginning to see signs of her irrationality.

"Derek, about earlier...we should finish that conversation."

"That's what I've been saying."

"Fine, but I wasn't ready to say it...and you sidetracked the conversation."

"If I recall... it was you who chose to tease..."

"Derek, I'm going to be serious now."

"Ok."

"Do you remember...when we talked about my panic attacks..."

"You had a panic attack while in surgery...."

"No...not during surgery...that's when Mark..."

"Wait, you said not during surgery... you mean afterwards..."

"Rose was the scrub nurse during Mark's surgery," she stated bluntly.

"I see."

"It was the first time I saw her, since..." she took a deep breath, "since...you kissed her and asked her out."

Once she decided to talk, he thought, she held nothing back, and he listened to her relate part of the story, as she did not choose to reveal it all.

"Was she rude to you...to make you feel the way you did?"

"No Derek, nobody could say she was rude, she just stared me down with that knowing look...the look that tells a woman...don't be so sure of yourself... I've had what you have as well...and very openly issued a challenge."

"This happened and it upset you almost to the point you had a panic attack, yet you couldn't talk to me...and you are so disappointed in me you withhold your kiss...refuse to kiss me back, because she issued an open challenge and you are anticipating that I will kiss her again in the future, and are already mad at me?"

"No, you ass, how can you be so obtuse?"

"It comes naturally, so please, indulge me, and explain."


"Derek Shepherd...are you mocking me?"

"Meredith, I'm not, I swear I'm not, I'm just not understanding...I don't want anything to do with her, I haven't spoken to her since I told you...and I won't...but, Mer, I'm not sure...what I can do...because I can't change the past...not now."

"I was not upset about any future kisses...and Derek, just so there's no doubt or misunderstanding in the future... if anything like that ever happens again, we will be over, no questions, no explanation. I will never again forgive you for something like this again."

"You will never again be put in that position."

"Make sure of it Derek, because, how I felt today..." she started to speak, and all the emotions came rolling back like waves crashing to the shore, and she literally felt herself go pale as she began to feel faint.

He reached out to her. "Meredith, what's wrong?"

"I was just thinking about what happened earlier, with Mark, when I broke down, thinking I was going to have another panic attack...that's all, I'm ok..." and she thought, that wasn't quite true, that was the second time that happened today, but this she was not going to tell Derek or he'd be hovering constantly.

"Have you eaten? We've been talking, and I forgot you need to eat."

"I will, I'll grab something later."

"No, we'll go get something now, and maybe you should lay down."

"Derek, stop. I'll get something later, when I'm hungry."

"I worry...I'm worried about you."

"No more changing the subject, let me finish, because I do want you to understand, how I felt Derek, because it hurt...it hurt a lot."

He did not say anything, but simply listened while regret was a constant ache, knowing there isn't anything he could do to change the past.

"Mark tried to get me out of it, but I knew I would have to face her sooner or later. When she looked at me...it was something I did not expect, the anger I felt, the...Derek it was not... not about you kissing her, as much as....I ... I hated that you put me in that position... the fact that woman felt she could look me in the eye and challenge me...and it made me feel vulnerable and doubtful and it made me go back to wanting to avoid dealing with my issues.... but ... as I told Cristina today...and as I told you, I'm going to deal with my emotions head on... so I did...and I broke down ...with Mark...and he held me...and I cried...and then...I just didn't want to see you..."

"I see."

"I was wrong, and I should not have lied, and you came looking for me...and I know you care... but... I just was not ready to see you and deal with all of this...and it was easier to lie, since I had no idea you'd spoken to Lexie, and I would have called you later...and told you.... that I had run late... and all of this... how you made me feel...how I felt today...I would have told you tomorrow, when we went to the site...before that...I was going to tell you."

He was silent for a few minutes, then he cleared his throat, and spoke.

"If I could go back, I'd change it what happened, I would not have kissed her. I'd also would have made you tell me... that morning, I knew you wanted to say something, and I would not have let you go.... I would not have cared if you were late for a meeting no matter who it was with ...but we can't...go back..."

"I'm not asking that... I know..."

"Let me finish...I can't change what happened, but going forward we can, we have to...we have to talk, you have to tell me when these things happen, and you need to know, just like tonight, I'm not going to let you walk away or reject my touch... even though it hurts me deeply..."

"Derek," she said, as she reached out to touch him.

"It hurts me to my very soul that I've done this to you... that what I have done makes you want to turn away from me...and reject my touch, but, I'm not letting you do that anymore...because... living without you in my life is not an option anymore...and if you ever decide it's what you want... at least I want to know I tried...before you walk away, damn it, I want to know I tried," he paused to regain his composure, because all his doubts were surfacing as well...waves rolling in like hers, breaking at the shore and slowly eroding the progress they had made.

"Derek...you're scaring me...with this talk..."

"I know I wasn't enough before...I've already lost you once...and I can't live with myself if I fail...if I fail again to see the reasons...that...that were there before...and you decide...you want to leave me again..."

"Derek...I don't want to leave you...I was going to tell you... I just... wasn't ready to see you tonight..."

"Just like you're not ready for me to touch you or comfort you tonight, just like you felt it was better to be alone, then to have me there...with you..." he stated with overwhelming sadness and heartbreak revealing itself in his eyes.

She did not waste any time getting up, and reached out for him extending her hand to him, "please," she pleaded, tears brimming in her eyes, "please get up and hold me...and don't ever let me go."

What had she done, he was saying things that had been too deeply buried, too immense to deal with in a few minutes time...this...this she knew, she sensed had been coming, and she was not ready to deal with it right now, but she would...she had to, and she was grateful she already had an appointment with Dr. Beaumont, this was something they were going to have to work through together. Trust was going to be their major hurdle. Love wasn't an issue. Derek did not trust her, did not trust her feelings for him.