Gazing in the Mirror

March 13 - The Kids Are Alright

An aware parent loves
all children he or she
interacts with – for you
are a caretaker for
those moments in time.
~ Doc Childre,
founder HeartMath

Every molecule of rock,
flower, or creature is guided
by this innate wisdom, all
moving in the bigger picture
of harmony, balance, and
perfection. Everything works
together for the greater good.
~ Ernest Holmes

The kids are alright and we (the parents) are still necessary. Sometimes we feel anxious. We are experimenting with our children. They are not in public school. Yet I always return to a deep knowing that all is perfect and as it should be just as it is. How can I argue with reality ? It is, as it is. Are they ignorant ? Not at all. Other people are always commenting on their vocabulary or seeing their brilliance, their creativity and certain of their general intelligence. Are they learning "the same things", that public school children are ? Probably not. Is the way they are learning "better" ? I don't know. I'm not going to go into judging it as somehow superior – it is just what feels "right" for us. What about their socialization ? Is the blind leading the blind "better" ? Is spending an inordinate amount of time with the same group of same age children "better" ? My children are exposed equally to all age groups and probably to more adults than children but is that a bad thing ? They are NOT denied opportunities to play with other children and they do have one another (I have two boys). But is having LOTS of other children to interact with really a need ? Is spending more time with children than adults actually "better" ?

I was reading an article in Orion magazine's March/April 2013 issue last night that really resonated. At the time I wrote this essay, we could have been concerned about my older son – "the artist". At the time, he spent a lot of time in "imagination" movies. When he heard me sharing a bit of the article with my husband, he quickly came in to explain that what he was doing was not living in a fantasy world. I already knew that. In fact I affirmed that what he "does" is actually very healthy.

I share from the article ("The Politics of Play" by Jay Griffiths, subtitled "Seeking adventure in a risk-adverse society") – "Self-regulation may be taught by fairy tales or by society, but, interestingly, children learn it naturally in one particular form of play: unscheduled, timeless, unstructured play in make-believe worlds. During this imaginative play, children talk to themselves in what psychologists call 'private speech', planning and thinking aloud, practicing self-regulation, controlling their emotions and behavior. This is not just a matter of 'good behavior' but of autonomous thinking, the thoughts of artists, creators, and politically independent adults thinking for themselves, uncontrolled".

Continuing with that author's thoughts – "While children must learn to control themselves, what they can never control is luck. ... Children play with risk, draw straws with hazard. ... all appeal to children's knowledge that life is riddled with luck and that freedom means being able to deal with chance. But the risk-averse society, denying hazard and what is hazardous alike, is not only annoying but conceptually malevolent. It works against the child's instinct to find a working relationship with chance and risk — otherwise their adventures cannot even begin, and they will remain infantilized, stuck forever safe indoors in the house 'hard by the great forest' (as many folk tales begin), with not a chance of setting out on the quest through it."

I remember when my husband was spending a lot of time at this construction site and he was taking our 2 boys with him. There came some days that the drillers (a man and wife business partnership) brought their son who was about the same age as my oldest with them. I was out for my daily hike that day. The two boys, my older son and the driller's son, crossed paths with me away from the construction site. I noted it but wasn't worried and continued on. Then I did worry. I worried that my younger son might try to "follow" the older boys and get "lost". At the time, he didn't know our property as well as the older boy did. I backtracked and found the younger one. There he was happily playing all alone and seemingly oblivious to his brother's and the other boy's absence. Thankfully he has always been content in independent play. The older one has always seemed to crave the stimulation of another person. What I didn't know at the time, at least not until later when he voluntarily told us, is that the older boy took his "temporary" friend on a grand tour. That is no minor issue because we live on 500 acres of relatively wild forested land.

I deeply do believe that the future needs such independent thinkers. Not the "docility and loss of autonomy that has a horrible political shadow: a populace malleable, commandable, and blindly obedient". When children "see themselves demonstrate physical courage, they also learn moral or political courage — and independent thought, which has profound political implications". Today a couple of conservation department employees are here including one who is a forester. I was asked if we home-school. It is easier to just to say "yes" to that question though in reality we "un-school" – we don't pretend to be something that we aren't. What I was able to add about "out-of-the-box thinking" was that the boys do have a great example in their dad for that kind of creativity. Something that is a part of him that with their smile of recognition told me these visitors had already encountered.

~ perspective

My children have learned that
they do not have to take orders
from anyone not even their parents
though sometimes it is easier and
more harmonious to cooperate.
My children are allowed to set
their own course, to choose their
own interests and we support that
by facilitating the provision of
whatever they seem to need.
Sometimes though the children do
need the guidance of maturity and
the wisdom of life experience and
as parents we do not shirk that
responsibility.
My children are receiving a
"free spirit" education that is
self-guided but supported.
My children always have the
respect of our listening to their
perspectives though we may
consider the good of the whole
family as having priority over
their independent choices.

#adventure #courage #creativity #education #fantasy #freedom #imagination #parenting #reality #risk