Gazing in the Mirror

November 13 - The Service World

Everyone has a responsibility
to not only tolerate another
person's point of view, but
also to accept it equally as a
challenge to your own understanding.
And express those challenges
in terms of serving other people.
~ Arlo Guthrie

If you don't get along with others,
it is because you are afraid of them
and because you believe they can in
some way rob you of your own security.
But getting along with others doesn't
mean that you always agree with them.
It means that such disagreements as
you have are not harsh or unkind.
~ Ernest Holmes

When you are in a restaurant to eat a meal, are you aware that you are a guest in the service person's world ? The waitress or waiter that comes to you for your order and delivers your food to you and checks on you, lives there. Of course, they don't sleep there but they do "live" there. Some people treat the wait staff like slaves or hired employees. Because they are paying for food, they think nothing of treating the wait person poorly or blaming them for whatever they are dissatisfied with and that is likely to be beyond the wait person's control. What if patrons of such establishments acted like "guests" in a precious friend's home?

Rumi has some advice about being a guest and being human. In his poem, "A Guest House" are thoughts like these — "Every morning a new arrival. / A joy, a depression, a meanness, /some momentary awareness comes" Advice like "Welcome and entertain them all!", "Be grateful for whoever comes, / because each has been sent / as a guide from beyond". And what if a person in the role of waiting upon others as a service also looked upon them as Rumi suggests. Life is full of ups and downs. The wait person experiences the restaurant in a much different way than the customer. The customer is treated to the decor and the ambiance and the presentation of food carefully prepared. The wait person experiences the noise and messiness of the kitchen, the pressure of a full house or rush, or the vexing moment caused by the dissatisfaction of a customer with some part of their dinner.

I have never waited tables in a restaurant but many of my family members have. Whenever I am waited upon I tip generously and I make sure to put that tip directly into the hands of the one who waited upon me. I've often been sincerely thanked for doing so because I am aware that many wait people have their tips stolen by other employees at their establishment. I never hold my wait person responsible for long waits or a lack of prompt service if it is clear that the wait person is doing their best. I try to be courteous and respectful, I may call them the "name" on their tag and I always remember that this is another human being doing the best that they are able to. I try to be understanding even if the wait person was clearly not being mindful enough to actually write down my order correctly.

Someone who waits upon the public in exchange for the provision of wages and tips would also do well to remember this advice from Rumi – "The dark thought, the shame, the malice, / meet them at the door laughing, / and invite them in." or "still treat each guest honorably". If someone you are waiting upon is mistreating you, you would do well to remember that it is never actually about you. It's about something that is going on within that person. Some damage, some abuse in their lifetime, some faulty perspective or some serious problem that is weighing heavily on their soul. Forgive them quickly and do not let such things take root in your own soul like an infection that you caught mindlessly in passing.

While I have not waited tables in a restaurant, I once did something to provide for my own self that required even less previous experience but it was equally as difficult. I waited tables in a bar that serves alcoholic drinks. That experience was a bit like being some kind of mental health therapist. Many people who over-consume alcohol do so because they are troubled in some way and are seeking to escape from their personal demons. Psychologically, for wait persons serving alcoholic beverages in a bar, it is a more difficult service than it would be in providing patrons with food. Along with the requirement of providing beverages, comes a responsibility to be aware of whether a customer is actually drinking too much and there is often a need to forgive them when they turn abusive on you. There is also a need to understand your own personal boundaries very clearly and to protect your own self and preserve your personal space from unreasonable intrusion.

There is yet another aspect of serving others that is not healthy. Many women suffer from such a chronic need to help other people that they will even try to help those who are not actually wanting or asking for their help. It is an expression of that gene that most women seem to have to nurture and care for other human beings. Some men have a strong inclination to nurture and care for others too. I tend to believe that this tendency goes more easily out of control in women. I know that a new mother learns to spontaneously and as quickly as possible respond to every whimper in their infant. As a mother's child grows, it can sometimes be the hardest thing a mother has to evolve in their parenting, break the habit of that immediate response. Some mothers never quit over-helping their offspring. We are each called upon to be more "mindfully" helpful by thinking it through before we attempt to "help" someone else. We should carefully consider whether we are chronically putting other people's "needs" ahead of our own well-being. If we sense this is so, it may truly be time to re-assess our priorities.

~ perspective

I am always happy to be of service
to those that Spirit sends my way;
to receive gifts that only I am uniquely
able to give and yet, I remain mindful to
only give what is actually being asked for.
I treat those who wait upon me with
kindness and respect and I never forget
that they are equally human and also
imbued with the essence of Life.
I do not accept harsh or abusive
treatment from others but I try to
measure my response in a firm but
fair way that remains respectful.
It is a joy to assist other people but
if I cannot serve another with a glad
heart, I am better off "just saying
no" to the impulse and letting a
better angel do it instead of me.
I try to understand that when someone
is having a bad day and their
unhappiness impacts me, that it is not
my bad day nor am I am bad person,
simply because the other person is
troubled.

#abuse #boundaries #compassion #courtesy #forgiveness #gratitude #mindfulness #motherhood  #patience #understanding