Gazing in the Mirror

December 13 - Self-forgiveness and Release

Those who are with Tao
use expression to find
greater understanding of
themselves and so find
liberation from ignorance
and circumstance. All that
is good and unique in you
should be brought out. . . .
Never hold back, thinking
that you will wait for a
better time.
~ Deng Ming-Dao

Jesus said 'You must be
born again, ... of the Spirit'.
This is the new birth that
comes through a new outlook
on life, a new way of thinking,
a new sense of our relationship
to our environment, to the
people around us, to ourselves,
~ Ernest Holmes

I recently read a very personal account of homelessness by a woman who I had previously only had a casual acquaintance with. She had spent some time (approximately 2 or 3 years earlier) in homelessness and it caught my heart's attention because my youngest sister had recently spent 4 years in homelessness. When I first wrote this essay, my sister had only just re-emerged from that homeless state and was then living in an apt. For almost 2 years, she was able to keep a job at McDonald's. My sister's overall situation today remains uncertain but at least she isn't currently homeless. I wrote this other woman who had experienced homelessness on the occasion of her birthday and said that – "I have a lot of respect for anyone who can go through such an experience and survive it. I realize it as a kind of path that some people take and perhaps need to experience. I am grateful for you and your children for the happy ending that you so honestly and courageously shared with us."

I fretted a bit about having mentioned this old aspect of her life on such an occasion as her birthday but when I reviewed my words they still felt like the right thing to say. I just trusted my instincts and accepted that I had done what was needed in the situation. Her reply confirmed my inner guidance as I felt the release from my concerns. "Thank you this for your warm wishes and love, Deb your message moved me to tears, as I know that I had to go through the journey, so I am prepared for my new path that I am on, better I may add. I have learned and grown so much from the day I wrote that . . . I was touched by your sister and I send her and your family love and light as it is a challenge living and being a family member." As part of her story she had written that – "While I was in the hospital I was at first so mad and angry at my family". Thanks to her understanding words to me I knew a part of her continuing process of healing had been facilitated.

The first step in forgiving one's own self is to face whatever has happened. I have more than a few of those in my own lifetime's history. It can be hard to do that. Once we arrive at a new perspective we may find in seeing the ways in which we've been seriously unbalanced shocking. Could I really have behaved that way ? If someone else has done whatever to us we will need to also forgive any sense of guilt or victimization within us for having "let" it somehow happen. If it wasn't pleasant and we could have known what was coming and if there had been some different choice that we could have made under those circumstances – of course we would have chosen differently but we didn't. For whatever reason there was no way that we could have truly prevented it.

The truth is that bad things do happen to good people. However, allowing the memories and negative feelings to fester and "live" in you beyond a reasonable amount of time does serious damage to the one you should love the most – your own self. It is an act of self-love to forgive yourself for the experiences that living a physically incarnated life brings through the challenging situations that each of us experience in our lives. The Aramaic word for forgive is "shbag" meaning to "untie". Self-forgiveness is untying one's self from the past in order to fully participate in the present moment and in a process of change. Those unfortunate events that befall each of us are brought into our lives to provide us with the tools of understanding, wisdom, insights and empathy when others go through similar experiences and we are strong enough to stand alongside them in that fuller perspective.

Forgiveness is not actually a "feeling". Release is letting go of blame, letting go of judgment, letting go of anger or letting go of guilt (which is often a factor when self-forgiveness is needed in order to move forward in a positive direction). Forgiveness is that action that indicates that a shift has taken place. It is the physical manifestation (even if not visible) of something that has occurred within one's own self to reach a tipping point that shifts a trajectory. That shift is the action of forgiveness manifested. It is that recognition of having actually released something from causing further suffering. Be careful about asking others "to forgive" you. Think about that perspective as yet another method of giving your power away. It is not healthy to ask someone else to give you permission to feel better. Apologies and expressing regrets are always okay.

So you've done something wrong. We've all done something wrong during our lifetime. Doing anything that you later have cause to regret is not an indication that you are actually a "bad" person. It may be difficult to believe this but regardless of whatever we have done, we had a valid reason for doing whatever at the time we did it. Now in hindsight our original "reasons" may not seem rational or logical but something happened just before that action which triggered whatever you said or did as a reaction. Often we are reacting to our own insecurities and doubts about being "good enough". Understanding that there was a motivation for every "bad" thing you later understood you would have been better off not doing is a method of increasing awareness. And by understanding how our actions and reactions come about we can take full responsibility for them and perhaps make a "better" choice, if there ever comes a next time. Live and Learn.

~ perspective

If I am tempted to blame another
person for my own negative feelings,
I pause to take another look and
see if the problem is more accurately
how I myself have reacted to what
I perceived as happening.
While having high standards is not a
bad thing, I should not set for my
own self standards so high that an
average person couldn't meet them.
I did something wrong and I regret
it but I've apologized and so now it
is a time when my spirituality can
come to my own assistance by reminding
me that there was a reason and now
there is new information by which I
see my own responsibility in that.
After a period of honest reflection
and consideration as well as doing
whatever is in my own power to do
I am left accepting myself just as
I am and able to go forward.
Life is for learning and mistakes
are one of the best and quickest
ways to learn a lesson.

#anger #apologies #blame #courage #doubt #honesty #perspective #regret #respect #understanding