Missing Martha

143

Martin entered Ollie's room to see him fast asleep but with blood trickling down his forehead.
Martin immediately got out a tissue and dabbed the blood away, trying to see where the blood was coming from exactly.
Ollie woke up while Martin was still dabbing the blood off his forehead.
"Ello?" Moaned Ollie, squinting his eyes open.
"You're completely drenched in blood, mate." Said Martin, taking out another tissue and dabbing the top of Ollie's head before noticing a piece of glass embedded in his scalp. "Oh god mate, this is a hospital job."
"Shit.. is it glass?" Asked Ollie,
"Yep... it's from a vodka bottle isn't it?" Said Martin.
Ollie looked down, "that might have happened too."
Martin sat down on the bed and threw the tissues in a bin. "Ollie... I've gotta bring you to the hospital- I can't let you go like this."
Ollie looked down, "Sir.. it's not worth it."
Martin's face became sincere, "don't ever say that."
"I didn't want to have to in front of you... but what else have I got left to live for?" Asked Ollie.
Martin exhaled before pulling out his phone and pressing the home button, showing Ollie his screensaver which he had changed from the photo of Martha to a selfie they had all taken in the van with all 7 of them smiling.
Ollie's jaw began to shiver before he covered his mouth with his wrist.
"There are six people in this photo who would never forgive themselves if you died." Said Martin, looking Ollie straight in the eyes.
"They'd get over it-"
"Do you think so?" Asked Martin, "because I know for a fact that I wouldn't."
Ollie shook his head and tears began to spew out of his eyes, "I- I've done a bad thing, sir.."
"No you haven't, Ollie-"
"Just listen. I killed Ellie." He told Martin, not trying to keep himself in anymore.
"No you di-"
"Listen to me!" Ollie Shouted, and Martin began to worry if Zoë would be woken by him. "I.. I was picking her up from school... she was asking me stupid questions that.. I mean.. for a four year old weren't that stupid.. like, 'why can't we walk on the road'... and I told her that a car would run her... fuck... a car would run her over. And she didn't believe me... so.. so I.. i told her to walk on the road, I dared her to. And, she did."
Martin couldn't think of anything to say in response to that, he just maintained his calm and sat still on the bed, beginning to believe Ollie now.
"Some people shouldn't forgive themselves, Martin. And I'm one of those people." He said, more tears falling from his eyes.
Martin looked away for a few seconds before standing up and looking to the bowl of pasta he had made Ollie,
"There's your food, Ollie." He said, "get some sleep."
Martin walked into the hallway and closed Ollie's door behind him before walking back into his own room, taking off all his clothes and leaving them hanging on a chair before climbing under the covers and watching Zoe's eyes open slightly as he placed one hand on her waist, pressing his face to her chest before she wrapped one arm around his neck and allowed their lips to meet. Martin left his mouth open while she began to crawl over him, switching roles, as it seemed.
Martin found himself close to tears as he clung to the sickening notion that what Ollie had said might be true.
It took a while for Zoe to turn Martin on that night, and even then, they peaked at being aroused, Zoe knew Martin's mind was far too preoccupied for anything more.
"Martin.." she breathed, unsure at how sound-proofed the walls were between their room and Ollie's room.
"Hm?" Martin moaned questionably in response, lying on his back, his elbows outwards and his hands behind his head.
"What's going on inside your mind?" She asked him, placing one hand on his chest while resting her head beside him.
Martin shook his head and sighed, "I dunno, Zoe."
"I just wanna help you." She said, trying to look into his eyes which he pointed directly at the ceiling.
"You are helping." He breathed,
"No I'm not. Marty..." she denied,
"You're my reason, Zoe. I'd be six feet under the ground if you hadn't fallen into my life." He told her, placing his hands on her cheeks and brushing back her hair.
Zoe shook her head as she moved closer to him and kissed his lips again, feeling his hand on her waist as he held her close, closing his tired eyes and protecting her with his life as he remembered holding Martha as close as this, and promising her that he'd never leave her side.
Then the images of Martha lying dead on her bedroom floor flashed into Martin's mind. The blood. The glass. Her eyes. Her eyes were still wide open even as the colour drained from her face. Her eyes were the worst part. It was as if she was still there, in the moment, gripping on to any slice of life she had left, looking up to Martin in pain, knowing that he had failed her. He was too busy arguing than protecting her. He didn't care about her. She deserved better than him.
No matter how hard Martin tried he always came to the same conclusion that if he had never started that argument, or if he had just accepted that they had to remain married, then Martha would still be alive.
All he had to do was as he was told. But he simply couldn't be obedient to anyone else but his very own selfish mind.
I want to see her. I want to apologise to her.. and to Emily.. she killed herself for a crime that I committed. It's my fault that Martha died and therefore it's my fault that Emily died.
I'm worse than Ollie, in that case.
I ignored my daughter and he dared his sister to walk on the road.
This has consequences that I don't know if I can live with anymore.