The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 82

Chapter 82

Sienna’s POV

This is it, this is my time to start having some fun and the time I start to actually live my life. I hold onto my father’s arm tightly as we walk through the busy mall. I didn’t think it would ever be possible for me to be able to just go out shopping. I didn’t think I could almost be normal. I have this man, the man whose arm I hold on to, to thank for this. He has made me see life differently, he has made me realise anything is possible. I look up at him and it’s like I am looking at a different man, it’s amazing what money can do to someone’s appearance. I really believe money can buy anything, well anything except happiness, but I’m working on that myself. I spent a small fortune on making him look like the handsome man he is now. His face is now smooth, his beard long gone and his scruffy grey hair is now dark and neatly styled back. His thick rimmed glasses have now been placed by contact lenses, showing off his blue eyes. He looks nothing like the man that broke into my suite not long ago. His scruffy clothes have been replaced with expensive designer shirts, jeans and shoes. I am proud of the smart man beside me, I would be proud to tell the world he is my dad.

He gives my arm a reassuring squeeze and warmth fills my body, making me feel safe. We have Mark and Trevor standing at either side of us, making sure they keep the growing crowds at bay. I knew it would be too good to be true just coming out and being left along. I’m happy though that so far nobody has been able to approach me face to face. I smile up at my father and I feel completely safe and protected with him here. Mark and Trevor being here helps, but they don’t make me feel how my father makes me feel. He makes me feel like I am actually worth being looked after and that I actually matter for once. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this, I don’t think I have ever felt this content with another person, not even Harry made me feel like this. I don’t even care about all the people lining the mall gawping at us because I am with the one person in life who matters to me now, my dad. He is my knight in shining armour and he doesn’t even realise it. He doesn’t know how important he is to me, he doesn’t know that he saved me. He doesn’t know that without him I wouldn’t still be here, living and breathing. Maybe one day I will tell him how much of a difference he made to me.

We walk through the mall and I see an expensive jewellers, it instantly catches my eye. The window is filled with large diamond rings and expensive watches. I stop and stare through the window, taking in the luxurious objects. The expensive price tags don’t alarm me, even though Mark and Trevor are carrying endless bags of clothes and gadgets I have already bought. I don’t normally go shopping, it doesn’t usually appeal to me, but when you can buy things for someone else and they really appreciate it, it’s nice. I swear nothing can compare to the smile on someone’s face when you have bought them something they could only dream of owning. The things I have bought him so far would take him months, even years to save up for normally. The happiness on my father’s face when I have bought him these things has brought me more joy than I have felt in months, maybe even years. I insist on going inside the jewellers and my father follows me with Trevor and Mark following closely behind us.

We look around and soon the crowd grows outside. I start to feel uncomfortable as camera flashes go off over and over again. I can tell my father feels uncomfortable with all of this unwanted attention and so do I. I hate myself for bringing him into this crazy, fame hungry world that I live in, but one day we will leave this all behind. He doesn’t say anything about it all and I am thankful that he seems to be so understanding. I pull him over to a large glass cabinet, where rows of expensive watches are lined up. I’m not a huge watch fan myself, but I see my father’s eyes light up as he stares at the different styles and makes of watches. “Do you like them?” I ask him. He nods softly, he gives me a small smile and then he walks off to the next counter. I stand still watching him walk off, our body contact breaking, but I still feel him on me. I still feel protected by him even though he isn’t touching me. I never thought I’d grow to have this connection with him in such a short period of time. I turn my attention back to the watches in front of me. I bet he could never imagine owning any of these watches in this shop. I have had loads of expensive watches in my time, but I always lose them. That’s how careless I am with things, even if they are expensive. I suppose that’s the way you behave and how careless you are when money is no object. We carry on looking around the shop and nothing else catches my eye. I already have more jewellery than I know what to do with. I can tell he is now ready to leave for the next shop, but I’m not. There is one thing that I want to purchase first.

I walk back to the counter where the watches are located and moments later my father joins me. I look up at him and I can see the longing in his eyes as he stares down at the watches. “Which one do you want?” I ask him. Suddenly, a pretty sales assistant swoops over to us and introduces herself. She seems eager to help us and I imagine she is on commission so she will be eager to sell one of these watches to me. “What?” my father asks confused. I know he heard me and he knows what I am offering, he is in shock though that I would do this. “Which one do you want?” I repeat. I feel Trevor’s presence beside me and I ignore him. He doesn’t understand what is going on here and he never will. “Are you serious?” my father asks uneasily. I nod and I point to the watch I saw him staring at the most “Can he try that one first please?” I ask the sales assistant. She smiles enthusiastically as she unlocks the cabinet and pulls out the platinum gold Rolex watch. She helps him put the watch onto his wrist and it fits perfectly. The sales assistant gushes about how amazing the watch looks on him, but all I am interested in is his reaction. I watch his face and I see it light up as he stares down at the watch on his wrist. The watch has a blue face on it and a platinum gold dial. “Do you want it?” I ask. He shrugs clearly embarrassed and I take that as a yes. I look at the sales assistant “He wants that one” I tell her. Her eyes light up as she realises she has made a huge sale. She helps him take the watch off and she prepares to take payment from me. “Are you sure?” my father asks quietly. I can tell he feels uneasy at the expensive purchase I am making, he doesn’t realise it’s just pocket change to me. I nod and I squeeze his arm gently. It feels good treating him and sharing my extensive fortune with him.

Shortly after we leave the jewellers, my father holds the bag tightly that contains his brand new Rolex watch. I am around sixty five thousand dollars lighter and the smile on his face makes it worth every single penny. It’s difficult to get out of the shop, thankfully we manage it and we are soon heading back to my car. I feel Trevor grab my arm and he pulls me gently towards him. “We need to talk” he says firmly as we keep walking. “Talk now” I say not really listening to him. He looks around us trying to gage how close the crowd is to us and how easily they would be able to hear us. “You shouldn’t be spending that kind of money on a guy you have just met” he states seemingly feeling safe to say what he wants to me. He doesn’t know who this man is, he doesn’t know it’s my father. He doesn’t recognise him as the man who broke into my suite. He just thinks he is another one of the strings of men I have started ‘relationships’ with and I’m not going to correct him. It works in my favour that everyone thinks this man is just another one of my conquests. I don’t want Simon finding out I have finally found my dad. “He is just using you for your money” he states. I am instantly annoyed, I don’t want him here sticking his nose into my business. He could never understand the bond and the connection me and this man have. I hate him for even doubting this, for doubting what we have. “Mind your business!” I snap angrily. I don’t care if anyone can see or hear me getting angry. Trevor sighs and moves away from me slightly. He should know by now that I never listen to anyone except myself. If I could fully trust Trevor I would tell him the truth, but I can’t. I can’t trust anyone except for the man who I share the same blood as, he is the only person who will always stand by me. “Is everything ok?” my father asks and I nod. I don’t want to hurt him by telling him people doubt his integrity. I give Trevor a stern look and he looks away from me. I won’t let anyone make me feel bad about lavishing this man with gifts, I won’t let anyone make me doubt his intentions.

Harry’s POV

Every second that passes by the pain gets worse. The pain ripples through my body and I feel like something is crawling under my skin. If I could just get a small bit of heroin, just one more go then I would be ok. I groan out in pain as I grip my hair roughly. I just want this pain to stop, I need the pain to stop. My hands shake and sweat pours down my body soaking my hair and clothes through. I know this is just the start and I don’t know if I can even get past this first part. Please God help me get past this pain. The plane starts to land and I wrath uncomfortably in my seat. Fuck! I can’t do this, I can’t get through this. “Please mum” I beg through gritted teeth, but she ignores me like she has done this entire journey. Bitch! Stupid bitch! I hate her, I hate my mum and Gemma. I hate them for making me do this, forcing me to go through with this. This long flight has been agonising and they haven’t shown me one ounce of sympathy this entire time. I wanted to get better, I really did. When you feel this amount of pain though, why wouldn’t you just want to take something to make it all better? I feel miserable and every slight movement takes every bit of strength I have.

The plane soon lands and we are soon walking through the airport. I can’t seem to make sense of anything and even walking takes every bit of energy I have in me. I literally have nothing else to give. I just want to run though, run away from everyone and finally be free. I know though I couldn’t even out run Gemma the way I am feeling, let alone the security I have with me. I put my sunglasses on as I try to act normal. How do you possibly act normal when you feel like this? I feel everyone watching me and I can’t help feeling paranoid that they know what I am. They know that I am a heroin addict. I bet they all think I am disgusting, they are all disgusted with me, just like all my family and friends do. We are soon at the exit and I can see the photographers lined up outside already. I hate them, I hate paparazzi with a vengeance. I take a deep breathe trying to prepare myself for the battle ahead, I’m never prepared for it though. My security team hold on to me at either side as we step outside. I am met by screams and camera flashes. I forgot how crazy things can be, I have literally spent my days locked up in my hotel room lately. I have forgotten at times who I am and that everyone wants a piece of me. My security start to drag me towards my car as fans try to get over the barriers to me and the photographers try to get any shots of me they can.

‘Harry have the band split up?’
‘Harry are the drug rumours true?’
‘Are you still with Daisy?’

I can barely take in what they are saying, but I manage to soak in a few of the questions they shout at me. I hate the constant speculation that surrounds me at the moment, I can’t get away from it. I don’t respond to the questions, I am in too much of a daze to even acknowledge that I hear them. I feel clammy and uncomfortable as the crowd seems to close in on me. I start to breathe deeply and I almost feel like my chest is closing up and I can’t breathe. I try to catch my breath, but I can’t and I grab onto my security desperately to help me. I am suddenly in the car and I feel my mum trying to sooth me. She tries to calm me down, telling me to breathe, but it doesn’t work. I feel like I am going to die, I feel like my brain is being starved of oxygen. Gemma quickly passes me a paper bag and my mum presses it against my mouth as I breathe in and out heavily. It takes me several minutes to calm down and to feel like I can breathe on my own again. I just sit with my face in my hands as I try to settle down from my panic attack.

It’s only about twenty minutes into the journey that I feel calm again, well except for the craving inside me. That craving isn’t going to just go away though. I feel my mum place her hand on my knee and I instantly knock her off me. I don’t want her to touch me, I don’t anyone to touch me. She doesn’t say anything and I lean my head against the window away from her. I feel so out of control of everything and all I want is to be in control again. I know that isn’t going to happen again for a long time. The journey seems to be taking forever and I get more agitated as every second passes us by. I hear Gemma humming and I glare at her, urging her to shut up without having to say the words. She is oblivious to my stares though as she stares down at her phone and she types away. My mum sits beside me reading and I am annoyed that neither of them are giving me the attention that I desperately need. I try to calm down, but I can’t. The rage is building up inside me and as I try to stop it from blowing out I can’t seem too. I can’t stop this angry side of me from bursting out. I clench my fists together trying to contain the anger.

I lose it, within a split second I completely lose my cool and I punch the seat in front of me with every bit of strength I have. I don’t care that one of my security team is sat in that seat. I suddenly feel a bit better and now I have started I can’t stop. I keep punching the seat over and over again. I punch it with every bit of anger I have held in, every bit of frustration I have and every bit of hate I feel. The car is suddenly pulled over, but that doesn’t stop me from continuing this assault. I keep going until I am exhausted, I don’t even stop when my mum and Gemma cry for me to stop. I only stop when I feel physically and emotionally drained. “Harry Edward Styles” my mum says firmly and emotionally at the same time. I turn to her and she looks a mixture of emotional and absolutely furious. “Stop!” she says firmly “Stop this behaviour right now!” she snaps. I glare at her feeling the hate I have for her resurface “I’m not a fucking kid anymore mum! You can’t keep treating me like your fucking baby!” I snap. I feel her hand slap me hard across my cheek because I have never sworn at her before. I was brought up better than to swear at her or any of my elders. That sweet, caring boy she brought up has disappeared now and she needs to realise that. “I hate you” I tell her and I mean it. I really do hate her. She starts to cry and she is quickly comforted by Gemma, the other enemy. I sit hear listening to my mum’s sobs and I feel nothing. I feel no sorrow or compassion for her, the woman who brought me into the world. All I can feel is the urge, the uncomfortable desperation of my next hit. Everything else is irrelevant right now.

Zayn’s POV

I sit in my hotel suite and I hold the envelope meant for Sienna in my hand. I wonder what Harry has wrote inside it, I wonder what he could possibly want to say to Sienna. I can kind of work it out myself to be honest and that’s what makes me feel so uncomfortable having this responsibility. I don’t know why I reached out for that envelope first, I think I did it to try and clear the air slightly with Harry. I haven’t felt the full force of his anger for what I did with Sienna and I am just waiting for it to happen. I suppose his mind has been too consumed with drugs for him to really think about what I have done properly. I doubt I would have gone unharmed if he had been thinking straight. It’s almost like he has forgotten what has happened, it’s like he has forgotten what I did. I won’t be reminding him anytime soon though, that’s for sure. I just wanted him to see I’m sorry for everything and if I could take it back I would. There is nothing I regret more in my life than getting involved with that evil woman. If I could go back in time I would never have even spoken to her, I would have acted like she never even existed. If only I knew back then what I know now.

I sit twiddling the envelope between my thumb and finger. I know I shouldn’t look at what is inside, but my curiosity takes over. I can’t help myself, I can’t help opening it and seeing what he has wrote inside. I open the envelope carefully making sure I can easily reseal it afterwards. It’s difficult to read his scruffy, shaky handwriting, but I manage it. I read every word carefully, taking in what he has said and I realise he still wants her. Harry still wants to be with Sienna, after everything that has happened and after everything she has done, he still wants her. I feel angry that he still wants her because it’s all going to work out for her, but it isn’t going to work out for me. I’m not going to get Perry back, I’m not going to get the happy ending I deserve, but she is. That doesn’t feel right for me, she doesn’t deserve to be happy especially if I can’t be. Why does she get to be happy and I don’t? This is all her fault, everything that happened was all down to her. She initiated everything, she initiated what happened between us and I’m the only one paying for that. How is that fair? How can that possibly be right? I hate her for this, I hate her for everything she has done. She purposely set out to make me fall for her and she felt nothing for me the entire time. She purposely led me on, then she told Harry, she told Harry about us and I wasn’t given any other choice other than to tell Perry what I did. She has broken up my family, my mum won’t speak to me and neither will her family. She’s made it so Perry had no choice other than to leave me and take our pets with her. I have nothing left and I want her to have nothing too. I stare at the letter and I pull a lighter out of my pocket. I flicker the flame and I hold the letter above it. I will make sure she has nothing either.

Harry’s POV

The door closes and I am left alone. I am left in this small, neat, white room and I feel empty. I feel lonely and scared. I just want my mum, even though I have treated her like shit and I didn’t even say goodbye to her. I just want her to come back and to hug me. I sit here crying on my uncomfortable bed, I feel broken. I feel like I have lost everything and everyone. The pain continues to surge through my body, but now I know I haven’t got a choice. I have to get clean because there isn’t anywhere here for me to get a hit or even an alcoholic drink. I have to get better now. I sit here crying pathetically for ages and it allows me to put everything into perspective. It allows me to think over everything that has happened in the last few months. I am almost unrecognisable from the boy who went to America on tour. I don’t even know who that person was and that scares me. It scares me that I didn’t know who I was before I went on this journey and it scares me that I have become this person. I hate the person I have become, I don’t think anyone likes the person I have become now.

My thoughts soon drift to Sienna. My Sienna, she will always be mine. She is the only thing keeping me going right now. She is the only bit of hope I have left. I just pray she feels the same and she wants me still. I know I will countdown every day I am here with the hope of hearing from her. I still believe I know her and if she is still the same person then I know she will write to me. She has to write to me and she has to want me still. We will then be able to restart what he had and she will be waiting for me when I leave here. There isn’t any other option for us, everyone knows we have to work out. She is the only person I know who can help me cope with this, not the addiction. I think my addiction is way beyond what hers was, but she has been here. She has been in rehab and she knows what it feels like and how intense it is. She is the only person who I can talk to who will understand. I slowly start to unpack the few things I have been allowed to bring in. They provide you with a uniform, just navy jogging pants, a navy t-shirt and white pumps. They took my phone from me and all my other electronics. The only things I was allowed to bring in were my toiletries, my journal, a pen and a few pictures.

I stare through the few pictures I bothered to bring with me and I stare at the one of me and Sienna. I just stare at it admiring her perfect face. My hands start to shake uncontrollably and I have to place the picture on the small night stand beside my bed so I can look at it properly. I lay down on the bed and I just stare at the picture. I really look at it and I take in every detail on it, anything to distract me from this pain. She smiles back at me, her blue eyes shining and a look of content and happiness on her face. That was in Vegas, just before we got married. I stare at myself on the picture. I was happy there, truly happy and I wish I could feel like that again. I wish I could be that happy again. My arm is hung casually over her shoulder, my eyes shine and my grin is wide. I was proud to have her on my arm, I will always be proud of what we had. I just hope we can get back there, that I can have her on my arm again. I hope she can love me again because that hope is the only thing that is making me not flip out and completely lose control. If I lose control again, I don’t know if I will be able to contain it again.

Zayn’s POV

“I’ll give her the letter” Louis insists as he stands at my hotel room door. He has come around to take the letter from that Harry wrote for Sienna so he can go and give it to her. He obviously doesn’t trust me to give it to her and I think everyone can understand why he wouldn’t trust me. I haven’t been very trustworthy lately. I shake my head “It’s ok I will give it her” I tell him convincingly. He looks at me and I can see the doubt on his face. He doesn’t want to take my word that I will give it her, but he hasn’t got a choice. “I swear I will give it to her” I tell him. He sighs uncomfortably as he looks at me questionably, still doubting my intentions. “I’m giving it to her for Harry’s sake, I just want him to get better and to be happy. Even if that means she has to be involved” I tell Louis. “You swear?” he asks. I glare at him “Fine if you don’t trust me you take it” I tell him. He looks guilty and shakes his head. “No I trust you” he tells me “I just wanted you to realise you are doing this for Harry not for Sienna” he gives me a small smile. I nod of course I wouldn’t do it for Sienna. She doesn’t deserve to be happy especially when I can’t be happy. I know that Harry was the innocent party in what Sienna and I did, just like Perry was as well.

“Ok” Louis says. He looks tired and stressed. I know everything is getting on top of him. He has had a lot going on lately. Firstly with Eleanor’s grandma being so ill, planning the wedding and now Harry. We are all feeling stressed and down at the moment with Harry gone. It isn’t easy knowing your bandmate could have been on the brink of death at any moment without you even realising it. I have my own troubles going on too though. Everything with Perry is getting on top of me, being without her is killing me, but as always everyone is focused on Harry. Everyone always feels sorry for Harry, nobody ever thinks about me. Harry is probably taking it easy in rehab, whilst the rest of us are here working like dogs. “Can you tell her about Harry as well?” Louis asks “Just prepare her before she reads the letter so it isn’t too much of a shock” he says. I nod even though I don’t want to do anything to make things easier for that bitch. “Thanks” Louis says and then he walks off leaving me alone. He leaves me here to face my own consequences.

Sienna’s POV

I watch as my father tries on his new watch and clothes I bought him. He struts his stuff up and down my hotel room proudly and I smile and laugh as I watch him. He is so silly and it’s so refreshing to be around. He sits down beside me and unwraps the IPhone I bought for him. I watch him and I laugh as he tries to set it up. He clearly isn’t the best with technology. “How do I switch it on?” he asks. I laugh as I take it from him and I show him how to at least start using it. His phone is ancient, it’s literally that old that they don’t sell them anymore and it doesn’t even have a camera on it. I show him some of the different features on his new phone and he smiles happily. He sits playing with it as he concentrates on trying to figure out how to work it. I stand up and I stretch. “I’m going to have a shower” I tell him. He nods and he doesn’t even look up as he stares at his phone. “Shall we go for dinner once I’m done?” I ask. “Sure” he says not making eye contact with me as he stares at his new phone. I chuckle to myself as I leave him alone to figure out his new phone.

I walk into the bathroom and I stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes look bright, they look fuller of life than I have ever seen. I’m finally starting to see the real me, I’m starting to learn who I really am. I use my cleansing makeup wipes to remove the makeup from my face and I switch on the shower. I undress and I am about to climb inside when I hear a knock on the door. I wait for a moment to see if my father shouts me and when he doesn’t I climb into the shower. It will probably just be a member of staff or Trevor checking if I need anything. I stay in the shower for a while, just letting the warm water relax my body. I feel like with every second that passes by, a bit more of my unhappiness is washed away. I rub shower gel into my skin and then I see it. The Harry tattoo on my wrist, that sends a surge of pain through me and the familiar unhappiness fills me again. I will never be able to let the pain of Harry go when I have constant reminders of him, on my skin. I have one thing to do before we go out to dinner, I have to rid myself of the reminders of Harry. I have to rid myself of this tattoo, but this time I am doing it because I want too. This is my choice, my decision and this time I choose happiness.

Zayn’s POV

I walk to Sienna’s suite and I knock on the door. I stand here feeling uncomfortable and I feel nervous as the door slowly opens. A middle aged man stares back at me and I almost want to laugh as I realise she has managed to move on again, very quickly. The girl has no morals, she seriously doesn’t! He stares back at me, no sign of a smile on his face and I can’t help thinking he isn’t her usual type. Then again does she even have a type? No, anything with a dick seems to be her type. He doesn’t greet me and I feel slightly uneasy around him. “Is Sienna here?” I ask. I don’t want to make small talk with her new shag piece, I just want to do what I have to do and then I can leave. She really doesn’t deserve the love and care Harry has for her. “No” he says curtly. What an arsehole this guy is! He obviously doesn’t know who I am and that I have been with his new tramp of a girlfriend. Does he know she fucked me behind the so called love of her life’s back? No, I bet he doesn’t. If he wasn’t such an arsehole I would warn him that she will destroy him that she will break his heart and he will never recover from it. I would tell him the pain and uncertainty she causes, but I don’t. I don’t tell him anything because he deserves to get hurt.

It’s quite awkward as we just both stand staring at each other. I stand as tall as my body will allow me to and I try to show him he isn’t going to intimidate me. “Anything else?” he asks harshly. I glare at him, he obviously thinks he is something now he is with her. If only he knew the truth of what it is like being with her and what it is like trying to love her. He doesn’t get that loving her is like getting blood from a stone. Impossible, she makes it impossible. “I need to talk to her” I tell him. I don’t want to tell him everything, I want to do everything face to face. He seems overpowering and I don’t like him. “You can tell me” he says “She doesn’t want to talk to you or any of your bandmates” he says narrowing his eyes at me. Oh she has obviously told him everything and this idiot has stuck around anyway. I’m probably wasting my breath, but I’m not doing this for her I’m doing it for Harry and the other three. I need to do my part and then I can have a clear conscience. I don’t have to feel guilty when all of this goes up in flames because that’s what will happen. Sienna and Harry will go up in flames. I personally can’t wait for that day to happen.

Sienna POV

I walk out of the bathroom after my shower. My hair wrapped in a towel and my towelled white robe covering my body. My father is still sat on the sofa looking through his new phone. I can’t help smirking as I walk to him and sit down beside him. “Who was at the door?” I ask. He puts his phone down on the table and he gives me his full attention. He takes my hand and he holds it. “One of the lads from the band Harry is in” he says. I stare at him wondering where this is going to go. He knows about Harry, he knows everything about me and him. Obviously, I kept something’s back like the whole Zayn thing and anything to do with drugs. I didn’t want him to think bad of me, but he knows how I felt about Harry. “He came around to tell you that Harry has gone into rehab” he informs me. I soak in his words and I am not shocked by them. I don’t really feel anything, I suppose there is a hint of relief though. I feel relieved that he is going to get better and finally get the help he needs. “Ok” I say showing I understand. “They just wanted you to know before you found out through the press” he says.

We sit beside each other and I soak in what I have learnt. This is the moment where I feel like everything is put into perspective and I finally get it. I get the lack of importance I represent in Harry’s life now. I wasn’t important enough to be consulted with about the decision of him going to rehab. I wasn’t told before anyone else that he was going and nobody bothered to wait and speak to me face to face about it. I didn’t even get a goodbye, he didn’t care enough about me to say goodbye and I finally get how he felt. I get the way he must have felt when I left for rehab all that time ago. It isn’t a nice feeling and it hurts, I won’t lie. It is the final piece, the final piece that confirms this is over. Harry and I are over. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but it’s a feeling I must get use to and finally accept. That’s why it all makes sense, it all finally feels right to finish this. I stare down at my tattoo and the news I’ve heard seals its fate. “Dad before dinner I have something I need to do” I say. This is it. Goodbye tattoo, goodbye Harry.