The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 78

Chapter 78

Sienna’s POV

“That was funny” I tell Liam. I smile at him, recalling the funny moments of the film we have just watched. He doesn’t say anything, instead he just stares at me and I start to feel slightly uncomfortable. His eyes are fixed firmly on my lips, I find myself wetting them with tongue feeling self-conscious. I watch him, then in what feels like slow motion he moves closer to me. He suddenly presses his lips against mine without any warning. What the hell is he doing? I instantly disconnect our lips, they were connected for a brief second only. I push his body away from me in disgust. Why would he do this? My head is spinning as it registers that he has just kissed me. I quickly jump up off the bed and I stare down at him in disbelief. His face turns red with embarrassment, he looks guilty as he realises I’m not interested in him like this. Why would he even think I was? “What the hell are you doing?” I ask horrified. He quickly stands up off the bed too. “I’m so sorry” he says in dismay. It’s too late for him just to apologise though. He has gone too far, I can’t just ignore this. He has ruined everything, I should have known he wanted more from me. I should have none he was only pretending to be my friend so he could get into my knickers.

“I thought you felt the same as me” he says hurt ringing in his voice. His words anger me though because I haven’t encouraged him, well I don’t think I have. “Feel the same about what?” I ask irritated. He’s going to have to spell this out for me. “Me” he says quietly. How could he think I liked him like that? He’s meant to be my friend, that’s all we have ever been. I haven’t made a secret of the face that I am still in love with Harry. He knows that, everyone knows that. Why would he think I would just forget Harry so easily? “Why would you think that?” I ask angrily “You’re my friend!” I snap. He isn’t my friend though, well I don’t think he is my friend, not anymore. The time and effort he put into our friendship feels like it was just so he could sleep with me. He just wanted to use me for sex, like every other man I have ever known, except for Harry. It was never just about sex with us. He would never have just used me for sex. He loved me just like I loved him. I didn’t think Liam was like this, I trusted him, I trusted him to be there for me when I needed him. I trusted him to not take advantage of me. I trusted him to be my friend, but friends don’t try to kiss each other.

“Sienna I’m so sorry” he says passionately “I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m tired and I acted on impulse. I thought you liked me” he explains. I’m not happy with him, he doesn’t know what damage he has done. We can’t just pretend this never happened. “How could you ruin our friendship like this?” I ask. I honestly don’t know what I will do without him, he is my closest friend. He has been there for me when nobody else has, I can’t just act like nothing has happened though, and I can’t stick around and wait for him to make a move on me again. I can’t let him take advantage of me when I am vulnerable. He needs to understand that I will never be interested in him or anyone else. I am only interested in Harry, I still love him. I can’t just turn off how I feel about him, even though I wish I could. “I never meant to upset you” he advises. “What even made you think I’d feel the same?” I ask “I kept encouraging you to make a go of things with Sophia”. I seriously don’t understand his logic or what is going on in his head. I get angrier the more I think about what he has done. If I liked him at all, I would have made a move. I would have probably made a move to just piss Harry off but I’m not interested. I just wanted him to be my friend. Why can’t he have just been my friend? “I wasn’t thinking” he repeats. Well he should have been thinking, he should have known what he was doing was wrong. “I need some space” I say firmly. He looks hurt, I don’t want to hurt him, but I need him to know that this isn’t ok. I don’t stick around to listen to anymore from him, I walk out. I leave him alone, realising I have nobody once again.

Liam’s POV

I feel like shit. I feel like a complete arsehole. The look on her face is a mixture of hurt and horror, she stares at me and her eyes are dark. The care in her eyes for me has disappeared and it’s replaced now by darkness. I have ruined any bond and connection we had. I feel like I have just murdered someone by the way she is looking at me. I don’t know why I tried to kiss her, I got lost in the moment. I got lost in everything that is Sienna, I’m not the first guy to do that and I won’t be the last. I read the signals wrong, I don’t think she is going to forgive me for this. We have been spending so much time together lately, I couldn’t help falling for her. I just wanted to see if she felt the same as me, I wanted to see if we could take us somewhere. I really thought we could go somewhere, how could I have been so stupid?

I do like Sophia, I wanted to be with her but I like Sienna more. I have invested everything I have in Sienna. She has flirted with me, even though she may deny it now. She has encouraged me, she has acted like she liked me back. I just wanted someone to keep me company, I wanted her to keep me company. I think she has just played me, she has played games with me. I should have known this, Harry and Zayn both said she was good at playing games. I know now that she really is good at playing games, I feel like that’s all I have ever been to her. I’m just apart of another one of her games. “I need some space” she says firmly. I’m hurt that she is being like this, but I don’t try to stop her. She walks out, leaving me alone and I stand staring at the door. I don’t know how I can make this ok, I don’t think there is a way to make this ok. I don’t think she will ever feel comfortable with me again, I wish she would though.

I am left alone in my suite. I don’t know what do, now she is gone. I have neglected everyone around me lately, I have invested all of my time in her. I have hardly spoken to the others. I haven’t returned my families or Sophia’s calls. I have given Sienna everything I have, it was all wasted though. I have fucked it all up in just a minute of stupidity. I want to go after Sienna, I want to make sure she is ok but I know I need to give her space. I need to give her time to forgive me and realise we can still be friends. I can hide my feelings, I hid them before now and I can hide them again. I need her to believe it was a stupid impulsive decision, a decision I regret. I don’t know now what I was even thinking, well clearly I wasn’t thinking was I? Even if she had kissed me back, what did I think would have happened? That everyone would just accept us and we’d live happily ever after? Harry and Zayn would never just be ok with us. Fuck! This is all such a mess! I can’t help worrying about her though. I worry what will happen to her without me by her side, she needs me to able to see straight. She needs me to stop her from going down a destructive path again. I hope she knows I’m still here for her, I will never let her down again. I will always be by her side, no matter what.

Sienna’s POV

I walk around the hotel in my own world. I’ve been traipsing around for ages and I still haven’t figured out what I am doing. I don’t know what to do or even think anymore. I am ready to give up. I am ready to give up on all of it. I keep walking down the corridor. It will be time for rehearsals soon, it’s the last place I want to be. I would rather stay held up in this hotel than go there. I should go back to my suite, have a shower and get changed but I don’t want too. I really don’t want to be alone in there. I want to change hotels pronto. I keep walking, getting lost in my own dark thoughts. I feel a mixture of nervousness and anguish as I see Harry walking up the corridor towards me. I imagine he will ignore me or give me abuse, but even just seeing him makes me feel a little bit better. I love everything about him, I really do. It always seems that no matter what happens between us, no matter how many signs are there saying we shouldn’t be together, I still can’t help being drawn to him. I just want to be with him especially when I am feeling weak like I am now. I have blown my chances though, I have been stupid and I will have to live with that forever.

I surprise myself by stopping “Harry” I say. I am even more surprised when he stops too in front of me. He holds a brown paper bag in his hands, I can smell some sort of meat like bacon inside it. It fills my nostrils and I suddenly realise I’m hungry. Well either I am hungry or it’s nerves from being so close to him again. I imagine he has been out to get himself and that tramp Daisy some breakfast. It still hurts me that she is here. I stare into his eyes and he stares straight back at me. He doesn’t look angry, but he looks like he has recently taken something so he is probably on his way to a comedown. That’s when the angry side of him comes out in full force. I feel strangely connected to him in this moment, I realise that I want to be with him. I want to be with him despite the drugs and I wish I had realised it sooner. I wish I had thought things through and not looked for revenge so quickly. There could have still been a chance for us if I hadn’t told him about Zayn. I know now he is never going to be perfect and neither us our relationship, but I’d rather work on that with him than be alone or be with anyone else. I’m even more miserable without him. I take in his familiar scent, there is something very comforting about his smell. “Are you ok?” he asks casually. I can tell he is concerned about me, he is trying to hide it though. He is trying to pretend he doesn’t care, he does though. He will always care about me and I will always care about him. I shrug in answer to his question, I don’t know if I am ok. I don’t want to pretend I am just ok. “I heard about that crazy bastard in your suite” he tells me. I know Steve would have told Paul, who in turn would have told One Direction because they will have to move to the next hotel too. I can’t think about the man who claims to be my father at the moment, not when I have Harry stood in front of me.

I stare at him, my heart swells at how much I love him. Whenever I am near him, my heart races, my pulse quickens and my body feels on fire. No man ever has or ever will make me feel how he makes me feel. He stares back at me, I wonder if I ever make him feel like this. I wonder if he gets butterflies still when he sees me, I still do. It’s strange to think that we were once strangers, that once upon a time we didn’t know each other. I was just some singer and he was just some guy from a band. He’s still the most important person in my life now, although I’m sure I’m no longer the most important in his. I didn’t even know who I was before I met him, he helped break down my walls. He never brought them all down, but he broke some down. I never thought I’d be able to say the words ‘I love you’ and really mean them but I do. I mean every word, every syllable when it comes to him. He changed me, he changed the person I am for the better and I will always be thankful for that. “I know things are pretty fucked up between us” he says breaking our comfortable silence “But I want you to know I’m still here for you. I always will be” he says. I know he means every word, its weird hearing him opening up again. He has been so closed off lately, especially with how he feels and this is the first time he has been clear about how he feels for a long time. I’ve missed this, I’ve missed this side of him. I’ve missed the sweet, caring, kind guy I fell in love with all that time ago. I know now he is still that same person, but he’s just got better at hiding how he feels, like me. He’s older and wiser these days so he isn’t going to give me everything he has like he use too. He is going to be more reserved these days and I understand why he would be. I stopped him from being honest and open, I only have myself to blame for that. His hair is longer than it was before, his eyes are tired and even bordering on lifeless, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I know my eyes are the same as his. My eyes only truly shine with happiness when I am thinking about him or if I am with him. He knows that and so do I. I can’t hide that, because my eyes are the key to my soul.

“Thanks Harry” I manage to say trying to hide my emotions. I want to just stand here with him all day, but he has other ideas. He has better things to do than make small talk with his ex. “I better go” he says giving me a small smile. I instantly feel disappointed as I nod showing I understand. He lifts his brown bag up slightly “My breakfast is getting cold” he informs me. It’s funny how we have gone from screaming at each other and declaring that we hate each other, to just being ok again. It’s like nothing has ever happened between us. I know deep down he is still hurting and he won’t forgive me for what I have done. It is going to take some time for me to accept that. It isn’t easy accepting that something is over for good. I only have myself to blame though. I ruined this, I ruined us. He starts to slowly walk past me and it takes every bit of strength I have not to touch him as he goes past me. I also start to walk away and as I do I turn around to watch him. I’m surprised that he is walking away, but staring back at me too. He gives me a small smile and I manage to give him one back. We keep watching each other until we both disappear out of each other’s sights. I realise that even though we will never be together again, Harry and I will always love each other. We will always share a special bond. That’s one thing that will never stop and nobody can ever take that away from us.

Harry’s POV

I slowly make my way back to my suite, I think over what has just happened. I think about the conversation I have just had with Sienna. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I am with myself. I don’t know how it happens, no matter how much I try to fight it and no matter how much I try to fight her, I get pulled back in. She always manages to pull me back in. I don’t know why I keep letting her pull me back in, but I do every single time. It’s like ground hog day, it’s draining me. She does something catastrophic, she kills a bit more of the love I feel for her, but I still see the good in her. I always end up feeling sorry for her, but I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t give her the time of day after what she has done, I should still be raging. I’m not though, I can never stay mad at her for too long. I always manage to forgive her because I love her. That’s what you do when you love someone, you forgive them for their stupid shit. This is more than just something stupid, she has slept with Zayn. She shagged him behind my back and I can’t ever forget that. The thought of them together makes me sick, it’s something that will never leave my head. The thought will always destroy me, if I ever see them together again it will destroy me.

I would never even acknowledge any other girl who did this, but I can’t stay mad at her. We have some strange bond that always drags us back to each other. I feel a connection with her, a connection I’ve never felt with anyone else. I know I will never get that feeling with anyone else ever again. It’s a one off, a rarity, it’s something special. I do love her, but I can’t fall for her shit again. I can’t allow myself to be dragged back into that cycle can I? It’s so hard because I do want to be with her, but I know it doesn’t work. We both know it will never work, no matter how much we want it too. I reach my suite and my head is completely messed up by the time I reach it. I quietly let myself into my suite, there is no sign of Daisy so I assume she is still asleep. I need some space to get my head straight, so I decide not to wake her up yet. I sit on the sofa, placing my food on the table. I attempt to gather my thoughts, but it isn’t that easy. It isn’t easy trying to think straight when your head and heart are telling you two different things.

My head is thinking logically, it is trying to get me to see sense. I do see sense briefly, but it’s hard to focus on that when my heart longs for her. It longs to be with the only woman I have ever truly loved. I know I need to let this go, I need to let her go. I’m sure it will get easier, forgetting her will become easier. I won’t have to see her every day soon. I will see her rarely then, that will give me time to forget her and move on. I think about our past, the people we use to be. I was so naïve when I first met her, I have grown up a lot since then. I’m a man now, a messed up man, but a man all the same. I stare around the room and my eyes lock on the large mahogany cabinet that stands grandly in the corner of the suite. I get up and walk to it, I open the drawer slowly and I find what I am looking for. My battered journal lays inside, the journal that was once a part of me. I wrote in it every day not that long ago. I can’t remember the last time I wrote in it, that makes me sad. I had to write to release the emotions in me and I realise I have been keeping them built up. I have let them build up inside me and that’s why I am a bigger mess now than ever. I flick through the crumpled pages, until I reach my last entry. I start to read the words, I instantly go back to that dark place I was at when I wrote it.

She didn’t even fight for us, she didn’t even care. How the hell am I going to face her? How am I going to cope seeing her every day on tour but not being able to kiss her or touch her? She’s the reason why I drink, she’s the reason my life is a mess and I can’t see the light anymore. She’s made it so I can’t see the good in people or believe anything anyone says. She is the reason I hate myself and the reason why I cry myself to sleep every night. She’s made me loathe the man I see looking back at me in the mirror. She’s made me build my own walls and my own barriers and there’s no way for anyone to break them down other than her.

She’s the only one who can save me but she won’t save me. She’d rather watch me drown. That’s why I need to drink because that’s the only thing that will get me through. I can’t talk to anyone else because they’ll never understand. They’ll never know why I need her and the only replacement I have for her is vodka. This is me now, this is how I cope. I drink my pain away. I numb my body until I don’t need her. I numb my mind until I can’t think anymore because I can’t and I don’t want to think about her but I can’t stop myself. I miss her and I love her. It’s never going to change even though I wish it could.

I re-read the page several times, I allow the words to soak into me. I will never forget how I felt back then, the hurt I experienced. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I still remember that overwhelming feeling of sadness and devastation when I wrote that page. I remember loving her so much that I felt physical pain inside. I don’t think anyone could ever relate to how I felt about her back then. I still feel like that now, but just not as strongly. I don’t have that surging pain 24/7, but that’s probably because the drugs cloud my mind most of the time. I still feel it, I still feel the pain and I think I always will. I don’t think she or I will ever fully move on. We will still leave a piece of us back for one another, hoping that one day we can rekindle what we had. We could never rekindle it though could we? I could never trust her, she could never trust me. I haven’t been perfect in this relationship, I’ve been far from perfect. I wasn’t this person though, I wasn’t like this until I met her. I wasn’t cruel and manipulative. I didn’t say hurtful and malicious things without a second thought or a single care. I use to care about myself and the people around me. I had good friendships with the guys, I had a good relationship with my family. I haven’t these days, I barely even speak to them anymore.

I trace my fingers across some of the lines in my journal. I didn’t think it back then, but my problems were simple. In reality she was just another girl, another person who eventually I would have moved on from. She wouldn’t have given me any other choice, other than to move on. We were just another failed relationship, another disaster to add to our belts. I have blamed her for everything for so long, but I was the one who took this all too far. It’s easy to blame her and everyone around me for what I have become, but I need to start taking responsibility. I’m the one who has destroyed myself, I have spent far too long blaming Sienna for the man I have become. I know it deep down, I always have done. I need to start admitting it out loud that I am the only one who has done this to myself. She wanted to help me, but I pushed her away. I have pushed everyone away. My biggest problem back when I last wrote in my journal was the amount of vodka I was drinking. That seemed like a real problem, it’s almost laughable now. I would probably laugh if everything wasn’t such a mess, if I wasn’t such a mess. I know if vodka was my only problem now everything would be a walk in the park. I have taken things too far now and it scares me that I can’t get away from it.

The worst thing is I can’t see an ending for all of this. I am in way too deep to get away from it. I am in a great, big black hole and I don’t know how I am going to pull myself out of it. It doesn’t help I have Daisy here with me. We’re bad influences on each other. I care about her and she cares about me, but we’re toxic for one another. I know me and Sienna weren’t good for each other, but this is completely different with Daisy. The different between my relationships with Sienna was we just messed up each other’s heads mentally, but with Daisy we are slowly killing one another. We are destroying our bodies and cheating death every time we push the needle into our veins. I am in too far now and I haven’t got the strength to just walk away from it all and neither has she. I can’t see a way for either of us to get out of this mess, we’re both powerless to stop it. I can’t escape it all, I can’t get away from what I have become. I haven’t wanted to admit it, but I see it now my hands are starting to shake. I see it now my body is starting to hurt for its next fix. I am a drug addict, I am a heroin addict.

I continue to read through the pages of my journal. I don’t know why I stopped writing, I always feel a great release once I have wrote the muddled up thoughts in my head down. It lets me release them and file them away. I suppose writing everything down makes them real, it makes them true. I have tried to hide away from reality for quite a while now. I haven’t wanted to see the truth and that’s why I have avoided all elements of truth. I’ve avoided my family, my friends, my journal and even the mirror. I haven’t handled everything well, I haven’t handled being me well. I suddenly have an urge to write. I have an urge to write down every single thing I am thinking and feeling inside. I want to write down all of the things I am too scared to admit out loud. I turn the pages to a fresh white sheet. The papers are curled up at the ends and I try to press it down. I try to straighten it out, just like I need to do with my life. I pick up a pen and as I place the nib of my pen on the paper, the words come easily.

I wish I could hate her, I wish I could regret the day I ever met her and I wish I could change ever laying eyes on her. I wish I could take back the day I ever opened my heart to her, but I can’t. I can’t change any of it, but deep down I don’t want to change it. I’m a mess, everything about me is a mess. I want to change our past in one moment, but I know if I did change our story I would have to change the good times too. We did have some good times, even though they are hard to remember sometimes. I can’t regret those moments. I can’t regret the moments she looked at me like I was everything to her because she was everything to me too. I’ve told her that I hate her so many times, I’ve even gone as far as using the word despise. I’ve even tried to convince myself that I hate her, but I don’t. I could never hate her, I dislike her at times, but hate is a strong word. If I am being honest, I love her. I have always loved her and I always will. She is the only person who has ever made me feel something deep in the pit of my stomach. I know I am still I love with her because of the feelings she has arouse inside me. She made me feel things I never thought were possible, I didn’t think it was possible to feel like this. We’ve been through good times and bad times but that won’t change how I feel. That’s love, it makes you think and feel things that seem impossible.

How do you close a chapter? How do you close a part of your life that doesn’t work? I know it doesn’t work, she knows it doesn’t work, but I want to be with her. I am stupid, crazy even, but I can’t help the way I feel. It doesn’t matter what shit we go through, I still somehow feel my heart being drawn back to her. We both know that we will never move on from us. We don’t won’t to move on, not really. We will never fully let go of each other, we will never let each other move on. How can I let her go when I am still in love with her? What we have is true blinding love, it captivates and heightens everything you feel. I can never lose this feeling, I have tried too but it never goes away. Why could we never make this work? Why do we have to be so bad for each other? Forgetting her and moving on has been impossible. It is impossible to let go.

I’m going to have to learn to let go. We will both have to move on though because this doesn’t work. I will meet someone else someday. I will even marry her. I will wait at the top of the altar one day, I will watch my bride walking up the aisle towards me. She will be kind, beautiful and loving. She will be everything I have ever wanted but she won’t be her. She won’t be Sienna. She will still hold onto a piece of my heart, even when I say ‘I do’ to another woman. She will still be lurking in the shadows in the back of my mind, even when I vow to spend my life with someone else. I will never forget her, no matter where either of us are in our lives. We will have both changed and grown up. We will have both moved in our careers. We will be living in different countries, but it won’t mean we won’t still love each other. It will have been years since we saw each other, but it won’t mean the love we once shared wasn’t real. It won’t mean that the desire and passion we shared wasn’t true, it just means that we had to take a step further apart. It means we are trying to give each other the chance to let go. We had to distance ourselves from one another to allow ourselves to be loved by other people. It will even give us the chance to give some of the love we have to other people.

We will start our own families one day. I will feel pure love and pride when I hold my baby, the life I created in my hands. I will be blissfully happy, but the doubts will still be there. The doubts that tell me I created a life with the wrong woman. I won’t have a choice though, I will owe to my wife and baby a life where I give them everything. I will have to see that life through because that was the decision I made, I made the decision not to let Sienna back into my life. I decided not to forgive her, I decided I was better off without her. I wasn’t though, but by not forgiving her I have given myself a lifelong sentence of longing. A longing for a woman that I will never forget and I will never have. I will never be able to erase the feeling I have for her inside. I will miss and think about her every day. Even as I have more children with my loving wife, I will still wonder ‘what if’. Even as my children grow up and move onto college, I will still wonder what Sienna and I could have been. I will watch my children grow and create lives of their own. I will feel pride as they get married and have great careers. I will tell my wife I love her every day and I will mean it.

I will enjoy every day I spend with my wife and our family, but it will never be enough. I will show her I love her even when sometimes she makes it difficult for me. We will get through all the fights and the rows. I will love her, but that love will never compare to what I felt before. I will grow old with her. I will hold her hand as she lays on her deathbed, our children will surround us. We will all cry as we watch the woman who changed our lives slowly slip away from us. I will thank her for giving me beautiful children and a happy life because she did. She gave me a happy life, but that’s all it ever was. It wasn’t fiery and passionate. It never felt like when we fought that if we didn’t make up, I wouldn’t be able to carry on. She didn’t make my stomach flip every time I saw her. She would never make my lips tingle every time she kissed them. She would have just loved me and I would have just loved her. I will cry when she eventually falls asleep never to wake up. I will comfort my children as they grieve for their mother and I grieve for my loving wife. I will be lonely as I sit at home, old and alone. I will sit around and wait for the time my children and grandchildren come to visit me. I won’t have anything else in my life, apart from them. I will still long for Sienna until the day God opens up his gates for me. I will appreciate the life I had because I was happy, but I will regret not taking up the life I should have had. I will regret it until the day I die, I will regret never seeing what I should have always seen. That Sienna was the one.

I put the pen down on the paper, I wipe a stray tear away from my face and I close my journal. I can’t write anymore. My hands are shaking too much for me to keep writing. I have wrote my biggest fears inside that journal. The biggest fear I have is never loving someone the way I love Sienna. I wish I could talk to her about it. I wish I could allow myself to open up to her again, but it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair on either of us to be dragged back into this mess. I am already a mess and I don’t want to pull her back in to the drug fuelled hell that is my life. I just want to be with her, if I want her back I need to make changes like she told me too. She told me I had to change when she walked away from me, but I ignored her. I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for sleeping with Zayn, but how will I ever know if I don’t try. If I don’t try then I am going to regret it forever. I will end up being a bitter old man living a life I was never meant to live. I know what I need to do, but it isn’t going to be easy to do. I get my phone and I press the call for the only person who will make me see sense. She is the only person who can support me through all of this. She answers the phone after a couple of rings. “Gemma” I say feeling tears form in my eyes. “Hey bro” she says. I can instantly sense that she knows there is something wrong. My sister Gemma, is the only person who can snap me out of this vicious circle. If she saw me she would see there was something wrong straight away. A part of me doesn’t want to go through with this but I need too. “Gem I need help” I finally admit. The words don’t want to leave my mouth, but I make them. I need to do this, I need to get help. “What’s wrong?” she asks concerned. I take a deep breath as I finally say what I need to say out loud. I finally say what I have needed to say for a long time. “I’m a heroin addict” a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders as I finally say it out loud.