The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

I stay still as Rachel curls my hair with one of her crazy devices and I watch him. I just stare at as he eats his sandwich. He hasn’t stopped smiling since last night and secretly neither have I even though my stern face doesn’t show it. I know inside I’m smiling but I won’t show it, my body won’t allow me to show it. He stares back at me and he pulls a goofy face and I can’t help but smile a little. My small smile encourages him more and a grin spreads across his face. God he’s cute when he grins. I yawn and I feel shattered. I think we managed a couple of hours sleep that’s all. We stayed up all night fucking after we made up, it was amazing. I feel an intense feeling inside and it makes me feel sick. He’s going again shortly, his flight leaves back to New York in a few hours. I don’t want him to go but I can’t help but hide that feeling. I don’t want to let him leave but I can’t stop him.

My phone had been going off all night so I switched it off and Harry has had his switched off all night too. He told me he was worried about the reaction from the rest of his band mates about abandoning them in the middle of promotional work. I did check my twitter though before I switched my phone off and my mentions had gone crazy. Everyone was linking me with Harry because the fans outside my hotel had posted pictures of him arriving at my hotel the night before. It seems people have put two and two together from the pictures and realised me and Harry are an item. That seems weird, were together. The amount of abusive tweets I received had surprised me because I didn’t realise One Direction were that popular. I desperately had wanted to respond to them letting them know I was too busy to care what they thought because I was fucking their idol but Harry wouldn’t let me. Instead I tweeted something just implying it.

‘Soooooooo busy ;)’

Harry and I laughed a lot as I tweeted it and everyone went crazy when I did. The amount of tweets I got asking if I was with Harry was unreal. I loved it, I love that people are jealous of me. I love that people are envious of my relationship with Harry and I want to make sure it stays that way.

"What time does your flight land tomorrow?" he asks me with a mouthful of his sandwich. I can’t help but scrunch my nose up at him in disgust and it makes him grin at me. "Mid-afternoon" I tell him "Then I've got a TV interview I've got to go straight too" I explain. It bothers me more than it should that I’m not going to see him properly until tomorrow night. I wish I didn’t have to wait that long. I just stare at him and he stares back at me. I want him more than I’ve wanted anyone before and I need him. I’m just glad my trip to LA is nearly done and then we can see each other every day. He nods “Cool” he says rubbing his hands on his pants removing the crumbs from his sandwich. “Should we go for dinner?” he asks “We can go anywhere you like” he tells me. Dinner? Me? I’m not use to fine dining, I mean I have done fine dining but over recent years I’ve been all about getting drunk and partying. This seems foreign to me but there’s nothing I would like more than to spend time with Harry in a different environment. I nod at him and he smiles happily at me and then he looks at his watch.

"I better get going to the airport" he says and I see the sadness on his face. I look away from him as I try my best to hide the disappointment on my face. I have enjoyed his brief visit even though I nearly messed it all up in the beginning. I don’t say anything as I feel myself become emotional and it takes every last bit of strength I have in me to stop myself from crying. How the hell have I gone from feeling nothing to feeling so much in less than a day?

Rachel finishes my hair and she leaves the room to give Harry and I some privacy. I manage a small smile at her and I can see Harry appreciates that I’m trying. I’m trying to be a better person. I stand up and before I have time to think I feel Harry wrap his arms around me protectively. I hide my head in his chest and I hug him back never wanting to let him go. I take in his scent, he smells delicious like sweets. I wonder how he manages to always smell so good. I find myself being more affection than I have in years and I want to get better at it all for him. He seems too good to be true and I pray he doesn’t let me down because I don’t think I will ever be able to open up like this again.

"I'm going to miss you" he says as he kisses the top of my head lightly. "Me too" I make myself say how I feel for a change. If I could stay in his arms like this forever, if we could stay this content together, I’d be happy. I’d know we could make this work but there’s still a voice in my head telling me I’m going to screw it up and I know the only thing that would silence the voices is cocaine.


I walk into my hotel room after another long day of interviews and I feel drained. I have a huge headache and all I want to do is sleep. I stare around my hotel suite and I feel empty now that Harry is gone. He’s been gone hours and I feel lonelier now than I have ever been before. I kick off my red heels and I throw my black mac jacket on to the floor. I pull my phone out of my pocket and I’m disappointed to see I don’t have any new messages so I throw my phone onto the jacket on the floor. I feel lost as I look around. I wish he was here. Why isn’t he here? I hate being alone. I sit down on the sofa and I stare into space and I know it’s going to start soon. They’re going to start soon. I desperately need a distraction. I need anything to occupy my mind but it’s too late, they’re already starting. The voices.

'Go on one more line won't hurt'

I hum loudly as I try to block out the voices. I don’t want to listen to them anymore. I don’t want to be influenced by them anymore.

'He'll never know he isn't here'

I continue to hum hoping this will drown them out but it doesn’t. This is the problem that I have to face every time I am alone. When I’m busy or I’m with someone else I’m too busy to just sit and think but as soon as I am alone my mind is consumed of when I will get my next hit. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember but over the past few months it has gotten worse. I have tried so hard to fight it and I do fight it for a few days but then the voices convince me and I get dragged back in. I’ve tried for so long to convince myself that I don’t have a problem but deep down I know I do. I won’t admit it to anyone though because I can’t even admit it to myself out loud.

I rub my face aggressively smudging my make up in the process as I try to stop the voices in my head but there’s no stopping them. They continue to go on at me and I can’t help becoming more and more frustrated. I stand up suddenly and I let out a loud scream as I pull harshly on my hair as the voices continue. I can’t think properly right now. My legs pull me into the bedroom and my hands shake as I pull my empty suitcase out from under the bed. I rummage inside, I find what I’m looking for and I pull out my bag of cocaine. I try to control my shaking as I open the bag and I stick my finger inside the bag. I scoop some of the cocaine onto my nail and I don’t even think as I sniff the powder up my nose. I feel instant relief wash over me and the voices stop. I rub my nose as I sit down on the floor. I’ve broken my promise and I don’t feel any guilt for it.

Harry’s POV

I breathe in and out deeply as I walk down the corridor and it seems much shorter than normal. I reach Niall’s hotel room door in no time. I stop outside as I become anxious and nervous. I know they’re all going to be angry with me but I’m sure that Niall will be the calmest. That’s why I came here first I know if I can get Niall on my side then the others may be more willing to forgive me too. Niall will be easy to persuade he always sees the good in people and then he will talk sense into the others. I’ve always been close to Niall but Louis the most. I know though that out of everyone Louis will be the most pissed off at me. He won’t understand like Niall will. I convince myself to knock and I bang my fist lightly on the door and I move from foot to foot nervously. I bite down on my lip as the door opens and Niall stares back to me. He looks relieved and I’m grateful when he steps to the side “Get in ya dick” he tells me as I walk past him and into the suite. I walk inside and I sit down on the sofa and I’m thankful that none of the others are here.

"Why have you not got back to me?" he asks as he takes a seat beside me. He’s a lot calmer than I thought he would be and I’m thankful for that. "My phones been off" I explain "Are the guys pissed at me?" I ask already knowing the answer. He gives me a knowing look "What do you think? Course they are!" he states "We were worried at first until we saw the pictures of you in LA then we knew what you were doing" he says and I can hear the disappointment in his voice. I feel bad knowing he is disappointed in me but none of them will ever understand what I have with Sienna. "I didn't even think about it I just went" I tell him and I can tell he isn’t impressed by my actions but it’s too late now. I can’t change them and I wouldn’t want to change them either. "You left us in a shit position. The others are pissed and Paul is flipping" he says. I knew they’d be pissed off and I hope they can understand. I need them to understand why I had to do this. Niall looks away from me and I feel guilty that I’ve upset him. He’s one of the last people I would ever want to upset. "Are you pissed at me?" I ask. I feel relief wash over me as he turns to me and laughs. "I was but at least I got a break from your continuous Sienna talk" he smirks. I laugh feeling relieved that Niall’s ok with me and I have him back on my side. I feel stronger knowing he will be by my side now. “Tell me what happened then” he insists as he gives me his full attention. I start to give him all the details but I can’t help knowing in the back of my mind that the others aren’t going to be as forgiving as Niall.

Niall and I walk into Paul’s hotel room and we sit down together on the sofa across from Liam, Zayn and Louis. The atmosphere could be cut with a knife and I feel uneasy knowing that the three of them and Paul aren’t going to make this easy for me. I look down the line of them as Paul sits on the arm of the sofa. They all look angry but Louis seems the most pissed off. It’s strange to think that I didn’t confide any of this in him. Normally I would always go to Louis first but he doesn’t understand what I have with Sienna. He doesn’t agree with the connection we have. I see it in his eyes every time I talk about her and all it does is make me want to distance myself from him.

"Anything to say Styles?" Paul asks me harshly. I look at him and the blood vessels in his head look ready to pop. I haven’t seen him this angry since….well actually I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this angry. I don’t know what to say or how to even explain things. They’re intense stares make me nervous and I scratch my head trying to think of something to say. What can I say to make things better? "Do you know what idiots we looked like when we told the interviewers you were sick then later on you were pictured outside Sienna's hotel?" Louis snaps taking charge of the conversation. That’s what he always does he always takes charge and this is one of the few times were I wish he didn’t. I feel shit that I put them in such a bad position and the anger in Louis’ eyes show he isn’t in a forgiving mood. "I had to sing your part in one thing I sounded shit" states Liam and Zayn and Louis nod in agreement. "He did sound shit" adds Niall smirking. I appreciate that he is trying to make a joke of things even though nobody else wants to listen or pay attention to what he says. “I’m sorry” is all I can say. I try to think of what else I can say but my phone starts to ring. I know I should ignore it but I can’t if it’s Sienna she may need me. I pull my phone out of my pocket and I see it is Sienna calling me. I can see everyone looking at me annoyed but I ignore them as I answer the phone. I can’t risk her being upset with me when we have only just sorted everything out.

"Hey babe" I say and I walk away from the others slightly. “Unbelievable” I hear Louis snap. I can imagine I’ve infuriated him more than ever. She starts to talk but I can’t concentrate on what she is saying because of the others in the room. “Babe can I ring you back later?” I ask “I’m with the others” I say hoping she isn’t going to be mad at me. I’m thankful when she agrees and I say goodbye to her as we end the call and I put my phone back in my pocket. "Finished?" snaps Paul glaring at me. I nod “Listen guys I really am sorry and I swear it won’t happen again” I say genuinely and I mean it. I won’t do this again. I watch as Zayn stands up “Let’s just let it go” he says. I’m surprised and I can tell the others are too because out of all of us me and Zayn get on the least. I don’t know why but we have never been close. He’s the one who I speak to the least and he’d be the last one I’d go too to confide in and I think I’m the same for him. "Do it again though and I'll kick your arse" he says before giving me a wink. I can’t help but feel like there is an element of truth it that statement but all I do is give him a small smile. I’m grateful to him now though because I’ve got away with my selfish behaviour for now at least.