The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 74

Chapter 74

Sienna’s POV

I attempt to live life normally. I attempt to act like nothing has changed in my life but it has. Something catastrophic has happened. Something crippling has occurred but this time it’s my fault. I have created this and every minute that goes by I regret it more. Every hour that passes by without him hurts more than the hour before. Every hour that passes that he doesn’t attempt to win me back makes me realise I made a mistake. If I feel like this surely I made a mistake. I try to paint on a smile and show everyone around me I’m fine. They don’t even know what is going on. These people don’t know me and I’m not ready to open up to them. I have to be ok even though I couldn’t be any further from ok inside. I just watch everyone living life as normal around me. I wish I could be like them. I wish every day wasn’t a battle. I wish I wasn’t in this bittersweet world with Harry. One minute I want him, the next I don’t. I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him.

I know that life has to go on. I know if Harry wants to make this work he will come and find me. He will make amends, he will change if he really loves me. The longer I wait, the more time that goes by makes me feel more anxious. It’s been a day already, a day since I walked away. I’ve given him a day to realise what he has lost. A day for him to contemplate and learn that I have walked away again but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. He hasn’t attempted to call, he hasn’t attempted to see me. In fact I haven’t seen or heard anything from him since then. He’s the only person who knows me, like really knows me and I don’t think I can ever let anyone else in again like I did with him. I can’t risk ever letting someone else make me feel like this again. I just wish I could go back in time and take things back but I can’t. I have already made the decision to walk away and as hard as it is I need to stick by my decision. I suppose it was meant to work out this way. It was meant to end like this, we were meant to end like this. I miss him though. Why is it when you split up with someone all you can recall are the good memories? All the bad things they did seem to disappear and all you can do is think about how good they made you feel. Even how good you both were together because when it was good, it was really good. I miss his presence, I miss knowing he was always nearby. I miss hearing his voice and I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way he loved me because at one time he did love me. I’m just going to have to wait though because if he loves me like he claimed he did before he will come back. I have to believe he will come back or I won’t even get out of bed in the morning.

I stare around the quiet canteen in the arena where my show is being held in a few days’ time. The few people sat in here keep themselves to themselves. They eat their lunch in peace. I can’t help wondering if they have issues of their own but they are hiding them like me. I push my pasta around my plate rather than eating it as I think about everything. I wish I knew what Harry was doing and what he is thinking. If I could only read his mind then I'd know where I stand. I would be able to help myself from going down this path of hurt and destruction again. I can’t help believing he is still at the hotel, getting high and not caring about anyone else but himself. I can’t help not having any faith in him anymore. My faith in him disappeared the day he pushed that needle into his veins. The door to the canteen opens and Liam walks inside. I watch him as he talks on his phone and he smiles as he nods his head at me. I give him a small smile back as I try to hide what I really feel. He walks off to get something to eat and I sit waiting for him to return. Liam has been a good friend to me lately and I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate that. I don’t think I will ever be able to open up to him and tell him deep down how thankful I really am for his friendship. I’ve learnt it’s best to keep how you feel to yourself.

I’m feeling low and I don’t even think a Liam pep talk will help me. I stare at my pasta and moments later I hear the chair across from me being pulled out. Liam sits down in it as he places a plate of chips and cheese on the table. He thankfully snaps me out of my miserable thoughts. “Alright babe speak to you later” he says as he ends his call. I instantly wonder who he was talking too but I don’t ask because it’s none of my business. He picks up several chips onto his fork and he shoves them into his mouth. “You ok?” he asks making me wrinkle my nose up in disgust as he talks with his mouthful of food. He laughs “Sorry” he says covering his mouth this time. I give him a small smile or the nearest to a smile that I can muster up. “Yeah” I say trying to hide my upset. He gives me a knowing look and I know he doesn’t believe me. It’s written all over my face and he can see it. “I guess not” I admit. He seems to be the only person who I can attempt to open up to these days even though I am still apprehensive. “Go on” he urges but not forcefully. He says it gently which makes me want to talk to him. I don’t know if he has already heard Harry’s version of events but I think he will know my version is true.

“Harry and I broke up” I say. The words still don’t seem real even when I say them. He looks surprised as he takes in my words and it’s almost reassuring. It makes me think that perhaps this time around people weren’t expecting us to end. It feels like people had faith in our relationship not like the first time around. “What happened?” he asks resting his fork on his plate as he gives me his full attention. I want to open up fully to him but I can’t tell him what Harry is. I can’t tell him what Harry has become. “He’s changed” I admit. It is true, he has changed and not in a good way either. He nods knowingly because he has seen the change in him too. I’m glad I can relate to Liam about this. “I wondered why he had been in such a bad mood all day” he tells me. That’s probably due to his comedown from the drugs rather than our break up. I bet he is avoiding me since I haven’t seen him all day. I don’t blame him for not wanting to see me. It probably isn’t a good idea for us to see each other for a while. “You’re going to be ok babe” he says reassuringly. I hope he is right because I don’t feel like I am going to be ok. I feel his hand on top of mine and he squeezes it gently. It’s just a small friendly gesture from him but to me it means more than he can imagine. I know I appreciate it because I don’t even flinch when I feel his skin on mine.

“Well this is fucking cosy isn’t it?!” I hear. I instantly look up to be met by Harry’s blazing green eyes. His eyes are directly on me and I stare back worriedly. I haven’t done anything wrong but his intense glare makes me feel like I have. I quickly move my hand from under Liam’s and I place it on my lap unsure what to do with my hands now. I can tell Harry is putting two and two together and getting ten. He has already made his thoughts clear about what he thinks is going on between Liam and I. I don’t know how he can even think that. How could he even think I would move on already? “We’re just talking” Liam assures him but I know Harry and I know he doesn’t believe us. He doesn’t believe anything other than that Liam and I are together. He is out of his fucking mind! If only Harry could see that Liam is nothing like him. Liam doesn’t think with his dick. He has respect for women, he has respect for me. “I’m sure you fucking where!” he snaps “Talking about your next shag!” he snarls. He clearly isn’t thinking straight or he would never think this. If the drugs weren’t clouding his mind he would think rationally and know my heart is his still.

He stares at me and even though he is angry I can see that he is hurt. He is hurt because he thinks I have moved on already. He thinks I never even cared but I care more than he can imagine. He is trying to disguise his hurt by making a scene but I know him well enough to see through his façade. He turns around without another word and he storms out of the canteen. He doesn’t stay to get what he came here for and I feel awful. I feel awful that he will now think something is going on with Liam and me. I would never do anything like that though because I love him. I will always love him. I am half way down the corridor after him before I even realise what I am doing. I know I shouldn’t go after him because I am just asking for trouble but I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting him to see the good in me. I don’t want him to see me how I see him now.

“Harry” I call but he keeps walking. I grab his shoulder to stop him from walking away “Harry please” I beg but he knocks me away viciously. He suddenly turns around and I literally bang into him. He pushes me away from him and he throws his fist back and smashes it into the nearest wall. “FUCK!!!!” he shouts not caring who can see us or hear him. He is drawing attention to us but for once I don’t care because I just want this to be ok. I want us to be ok. “STOP!” he screams at me and I can’t help backing away slightly as I feel frightened of this angry man before me. I feel close to tears. “Just fucking stop” he says and that’s when the hurt comes out. “Please Harry” I say emotionally but I want to try and stay calm for both of our sakes. I want him to calm down but I know there is no calming him down when he is like this. “Why the fuck are you doing this?” he asks hurt. “I’m not doing anything" I say trying to convince him. “Stop pretending to be innocent all the time! Stop pretending you’ve done nothing wrong! Don’t keep making out that we went wrong just because of me” he says emotionally. “I haven’t done anything wrong” I whimper. This must be the only time in my life where I really haven’t done anything wrong. “Stop lying” he demands “You’ve been shagging Liam behind my back all of this fucking time” he snaps. His words make me feel sick. Does he really believe I would sleep with Liam? “I swear I’m not” I tell him but I know my words are in vain. He doesn’t believe me and I know no matter how many times I say I haven’t done anything wrong he won’t believe me. I don’t know if it’s the drugs making him paranoid or if it really does look like something is going on with Liam. I know though it's the drugs doing this. I wish he did really genuinely think something was going on with Liam and I because I would prefer anything to him still taking drugs. I would prefer anything to the drugs controlling him like they are now.

Harry’s POV

Her words seep into my brain and they only make me hate her. I don’t believe her. I don’t believe a single word that comes out of her poisonousness mouth. This is all she ever does, all she ever does is lie. “How could you do this to me?” I ask feeling my eyes well up. I want to shout and swear but the crippling pain in my chest won’t let me. She’s hurt me for the last time. She has broken me for the last time. I hate what she is doing, I hate what she is doing to me again. Why does she keep playing these cruel games? It isn’t fair, they’ve gone on for too long and I don’t want to play them anymore. I don’t want her to play me anymore. “You’ve never given a fuck about me! All you have ever cared about is yourself” I tell her. I mean every word I say. She has never cared about my feelings from the day we met all she has ever been bothered about are her own. She still pretends to care about me even though I know she doesn’t. She tries to speak, she is going to attempt to cover up her lies but I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from her anymore.

“Don’t start trying to cover up what you’ve done with your bullshit and lies” I snap. She stares back at me and she knows this time her lies aren’t going to wash with me. She knows I am not going to believe her lies. “All you’ve done from the day I met you is lie! You’re a fucking liar” I state “You’ve made me feel bad for the few things I have done but they are nothing compared to what you have done! You play the victim all the time but I’m the fucking victim” I snap. She makes me feel like a victim. She makes me feel sorry for myself. I was never like this before I met her. She has ruined me. “I gave everything to you” I cry out “I gave everything I had to you! You took every last bit of me until there was nothing left of me. Then once you’d taken everything you just walked away. You walked away and got straight into someone else’s bed!” I declare. She will never understand what she has changed me into because she never knew me before not properly. I changed in the instance that I met her. I have so much I want to finally get off my chest and now I have started I can’t stop. “All you’ve ever done is use me! You used me all the time you were taking drugs to get you through the shit times. You used me whilst you went to rehab and then you got rid of me when you found someone else. You kept me hanging on and then when you got bored of me you cut me out of your life” I state “All I did was help you and wait for you! All I ever wanted was for you to love me like I loved you but you couldn’t could you? You never loved me did you? Do you know how hard you make it to keep loving you and how hard it is to get through every day with you?” I ask. I don’t want her answers though and I feel no remorse as she cries before me. I am finally doing this for me. I am finally letting out months of hurt that she has caused.

“Do you know what you have done to me?” I continue and she keeps her gaze on the floor as she looks ashamed “Look at me!” I demand making her look up at me. “Look at what you’ve done to me! You’ve done this” I state. She breaks in front of me as my words have the desired affect that I wanted them to have. I am hurting her just like the way she has hurt me. She deserves this, she deserves all of this pain and hurt. I allow my own tears to fall because I can’t fight the hurt anymore. I want her to see what she has done. “I wish I had listened to Simon when we first got together. He said you used people. He tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. He told me you used people and you spat them out once you were done with them and that’s exactly what you have done to me! What number am I of all the guy’s hearts you’ve broken? I bet you won’t even remember my name in a year’s time will you?” I ask.

I stare at her waiting for her response. Her eyes meet mine and I see the fire appear in them as she glares at me. “If I didn’t care why would I have followed you out here? Why would I have stuck around through all of your shit for as long as I did?” she asks “You did this! You did this to us!” she claims. I shake my head firmly. No! I didn’t do this she damaged what we had long before I did. She broke me long before I did anything to her. She is the one who made me turn to drugs and there is no going back for me now. She only has herself to blame for that. She ruined any chance of us ever getting back together. We will never get back together and I hope she knows that. I want nothing to do with her ever again. I don’t want to speak to her or see her again. “I will never forgive you for what you’ve done to me” I tell her firmly. “I don’t need your forgiveness” she states “I gave up needing anything from you a long time ago!” she snaps. “Good” I say even though I am hurt “We never have to speak to each other again then” I tell her. “The way you’re going that won’t be a problem because you’ll end up killing yourself” she says. Her words hit a nerve but it won’t stop me from doing what feels right for me. I don’t say another word to her. I have wasted too many months of my life on her and I’m not going to waste anymore. I turn away from her and I walk off. She doesn’t follow me this time because she knows as well as I do that we’re over. We are over for good this time.

Sienna’s POV

I rush to my dressing room as soon as Harry walks away from me and as soon as I close the door behind me I break down. I fall to my knees and I cry. I let out every bit of hurt and emotion I have tried to hide inside. I finally let it out and it feels good. It feels good to cry. I cry for every hurtful word Harry said, I cry for every fake smile I had to give and I cry because I have no clue who that was back there. That wasn’t my Harry not the Harry I knew. The pain inside burns like an inferno. It is burning away at me and I don’t feel like I will ever be ok again. It hurts most because I know this is it now. I know there is no going back for us. I can’t go back and neither can he. We have both caused so much damage and we’ve both been too blinded by love to even notice it. We have hurt each other more than I ever thought possible.

I have lost that sweet kind boy who tried to get to know me all those months ago. The boy who sat beside me at the hotel bar and tried to get me to open up. He has gone. He has given up on me and I have given up on him. We couldn’t fight for this anymore. It hurts too much and it isn’t worth fighting for anymore. We have ended us. There’s no going back now. He might not be able to see that I have changed but I know I have. I would have wanted revenge months ago. I would want to hurt him for what he has done to me. I don’t anymore though because the pain is too much even for me to deal with. I can’t cope with this, I can’t cope with the hurt anymore. I’ve just lost the only person I have ever loved. I know I made the decision but I wanted him to fight for me. I didn’t want him to agree with me and now that he has it hurts much more. He is the one who has decided he never wants me again. It stings. It hurts. It’s excruciating but I have to start accepting it.

There’s a knock at my dressing room door but I am broken on the floor. I am too broken to get up and open the door. I’m not even in a fit state to see or speak to anyone so I just lay on the floor sobbing. I just hope whoever it is gets the message and goes away. The door opens and I feel no shame as I lay sobbing on the floor. I would have been embarrassed months ago if anyone had seen me like this but not anymore. I’m not ashamed to show that I have feelings and that I am hurt. I feel a hand on my back. They start rubbing my back softly and I know instantly from the gentleness of the touch that it’s Liam. I don’t even need to look up to know its him. He pulls my limp body up off the floor and he holds me in his arms. He just holds me and he allows me to cry. He doesn’t judge me, he understands I need support. I need comfort. In reality I need comfort from Harry but clearly I’m never going to get comfort from him again. I sob into Liam’s chest and being the gentleman he is he just lets me. He doesn’t ask me any questions, he doesn’t say anything. He just lets me break down because he knows this is what I need.

I don’t know how long I stay in his arms for but it’s been that long that my eyes have dried of tears. He hasn’t pushed me to talk for all of this time. He will never know how much this means to me. “Come on” he whispers eventually. I reluctantly pull out of his warm embrace and I try to compose myself. It’s so hard trying to suddenly act like nothing has happened and that nothing is wrong. It’s not easy trying to pull yourself together and acting like you haven’t lost the one person in life that matters to you. I honestly don’t know how I am going to deal with this or how I am going to get over this. “Let’s go out tonight” he tries to take my mind off the mess that my life is but it isn’t working. I know he means well but getting drunk isn’t the answer. I will only feel worse going back to an empty hotel room alone when I am drunk. It will make everything worse if I do that so I shake my head. He looks at me firmly “I’m not taking no for an answer” he informs me. I know he wants to help me but I am way beyond help. I just want to be alone to drown in my own self pity. I know though that Liam isn't going to let me say no.


Later that evening I reluctantly walk down to the lobby. I didn’t want to go out but Liam didn’t give me a choice, like I knew he wouldn't. My thoughts were either go out with Liam or stay in my hotel room alone. I’d rather stare at the four walls drunk than sober so I decided to go for a few drinks with him. I see Liam and Niall stood talking as they wait for me. I’m relieved that Niall is joining us but only because of Harry. I’m sure he would hate me more if he thought I was going out with Liam alone and I can only assume Liam thinks the same. “Hey” I say as I reach them. I pull my black dress down slightly feeling slightly overly dressed as I look at Liam and Niall dressed casually. I feel like shit tonight. I feel unattractive, in all honesty I can’t remember the last time I felt attractive. I can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and liked what was staring back at me. “Hey” Niall smiles at me “You look nice” he says as he kisses my cheeks. He makes me feel a little better about myself and I am happy I have them both. Liam leans in and kisses my cheeks too as he smiles at me. I’m lucky to have these two as my friends. “Let’s hit the bar” Liam encourages as he leads the way to the bar and Niall and I follow him. The bar seems all too familiar to me. It doesn’t matter where I am in the world any bar will always feel like home to me. I’ve missed it.

We reach the bar and I contemplate whether I should drink or not. Liam orders me a vodka as he makes up my mind for me and I’m glad he did. Niall and I sit down on a table and moments later Liam walks over with our drinks in hand. He passes me my vodka and I take a small sip from it as I feel ignited by the familiar taste. “So how’s things?” Niall asks as he sips his pint. “Shit” I half laugh even though it isn’t funny. Things really are shit at the moment and I can’t see them getting better anytime soon. He gives me a small smile “Chin up kid” he winks. He always makes me feel better and I smile at him the best I can. “Don’t worry” he says “By the end of the night we will make sure you are drunk and carefree” he laughs. I nod hoping he is right.

Time flies by as we laugh and joke all night. I forgot how funny Liam can be and he constantly has Niall and I in stitches. I’m drunk but a happy carefree drunk. I wish we could stay like this forever, I wish I could feel like this forever. Liam’s phone vibrates on the table and he picks it up. I watch as his face lights up as he looks at the screen. I know whoever has text him makes him really happy. “Who’s texting you?” I ask curiously. I like seeing him so happy. It’s nice knowing that there is still happiness out there for good people like him. “A girl I met” he says and I notice his cheeks blushing slightly which makes me think he must really like this girl. He really is adorable sometimes. “Tell me more” I insist. Niall moves in closer as he too listens intently but his is more likely because he is drunk. “I met her back home” he tells us “She’s a friend of a friend. Her name’s Sophia. I think she could be special” he says not being able to keep the smile off his face. I smile at him and I hope it all works out for him because he deserves it. Even though I am bitter about Harry and I doesn’t mean I don’t want anyone else to be happy. I’m not that kind of person anymore.

“She’s the first girl I have liked since my ex Danielle” he advises. I remember Danielle his ex but only briefly. Harry always spoke highly of her even after Liam and her split up. I don’t know what happened between them but clearly it didn’t work out. “Fly her out here” I encourage him. If she really makes him this happy she should be here with him. He nods as he sips his pint and he stares at the table shyly. He goes quiet and he seems to go off in a dream world. I don’t say anything to disturb him and neither does Niall. I let him enjoy thinking about Sophia. I let him be happy because he deserves to be. It makes me realise that I deserve to be happy too. Liam has found someone else after Danielle so perhaps one day I will meet someone else as well. Perhaps one day I will find someone to help me get over Harry. I know though deep down I don’t want to get over him. I don’t want anyone else. I just want us to work out. The longer I sit here and the drunker I get the more I can’t understand why Harry and I can’t work out. We can work out if only he would let that happen. Why can’t he see that? Why can’t he still see the good in me like Liam does? Why can’t he believe in us again?

I suddenly stand up as belief and love cloud my mind. I need to do something. I need to try one more thing. “Guys I need to do something” I tell them. I finish the rest of my vodka and I quickly rush to the exit of the bar. “Where are you going?” Liam asks after me but I don’t respond. I just need to do this before I lose my courage. I know what I want and I know how to get it now. I walk out into the lobby as thoughts of Harry and I fill my head. I want him. I want to be with him. I can’t be without him and deep down he knows he can’t be without me either. I’m done playing stupid games and I hope he is too. I suddenly stop in my tracks as I see the sight before me. My stomach churns and I feel sick. My legs feel like they are going to give way but I feel an arm wrap around my waist stopping me from falling. I hear Liam’s soothing voice in my ear that’s when everything becomes real. This is real and what I see before me is real. The room spins and I can’t take in anything that Liam says to me. I want to run away but I can’t physically move. I want to close my eyes to block him out but I can’t. I can’t take my eyes from him. He walks proudly through the lobby and he doesn’t show any remorse. He doesn’t care that I can see him and he doesn’t care that I love him. It’s clear now that he doesn’t love me. He can’t love me if he has moved on already. He doesn’t care that I am devastated and he doesn’t care that I came looking for him. All he is bothered about is his next hit and the hand of the woman he holds. The woman who ruined anything me and him ever had. Daisy. He has brought her here even though we have relatively just broken up. He has allowed her to take my place already. I have to start accepting it that Harry has already moved on.