The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 72

Chapter 72

Harry’s POV

Those three words hit me right in the gut. They make me stumble back slightly and I feel like I can hardly breathe. I have moved away from the door as I try to digest what she has said to me. I have no clue what to do or what to even say. I can’t allow myself to believe what she has just said. “What?” I ask as blood rushes to my head. She’s on the floor and she is sobbing. I mean really sobbing and I just watch her. I watch her feeling like my whole world has come crashing down on me. I feel like I am going to be sick as my stomach churns at what she just said to me. This can’t be real, this can’t have happened. “He raped me” she sobs. I literally have no clue what to say or do. I want to comfort her but I can barely even look at her. I can’t even touch her. She looks broken on the floor. She looks like she is shattered into tiny pieces and I have no clue how to put her back together. I can’t fix her, I can’t even fix myself. How am I meant to fix her? This is unfixable.

I hold my face in my hands and I rub my face roughly to try and wake myself up. This has to be a bad dream, this has to be a nightmare. I move my hands from my face but she is still on the floor. She is still sobbing and it hits me that this isn’t a nightmare. This isn’t something I can close my eyes and make disappear because this is real. This is as real as her and me. I start to get upset as I think about Mitch touching her. I cry as I think about how he has destroyed the woman I love. He has broken her and taken everything away from her. I allow my body to fall to the floor. I sob into my hands beside her but I don’t allow our bodies to touch. I turn my back to her as I lose myself in tears as my heart and body hurts at the thought of what my girl went through. I wasn’t there to make her feel ok. I haven’t even been here properly lately to look after her. I haven’t even made her feel safe. Then again it’s not like I have even been in a fit state to make her feel safe. I am a mess. I can’t admit it out loud but I know I am a mess. I should be holding her now and making her feel better but I can’t. The thought of touching her makes me feel sick. Why can’t I show her I love her anymore?

I sit here crying as does she and I know she will be seeking comfort from me soon. She will be looking to me to make her feel better but I can’t. I can’t even look at her. “Please talk to me” she practically begs. I can’t talk, I can’t speak to her. I feel disgusted with myself that I can’t be there for her but I feel disgusted with her too. I feel like she has allowed this to happen. She has allowed him to do this to her. She allowed herself to be violated by him. If she hadn’t done this in the first place, if she hadn’t of left me for him then this wouldn’t have happened. Is it wrong that I can’t help thinking this is all her own fault? I feel like I don’t know her anymore. The Sienna I knew would never allow someone to take advantage of her like that. She would never let someone treat her like that. I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t rid the thoughts from my mind and it’s making it practically impossible for me to even look at her. I want to comfort her but I’m angry with her. I don’t know if my head is just fucked up from all the drugs I have been taking lately or if I am just a bad person. I shouldn’t be feeling like this should I?

I need answers. I need to know what happened. I need to pain myself with the details so I might feel some remorse for her. I want to feel something, I want to feel how I use to feel about her. I want to feel how I did before she went to rehab. I want it to feel how it did in the beginning. I just want to care about something properly again. “What happened?” I ask emotionally. I don’t think I am ready for her answer but I need to know. I need to know what he did to her. She struggles to speak and breathe as she attempts to tell me what happened. “He….was…..controlling…….and abusive” she whimpers. I can instantly picture that about him. I can imagine him to be a bossy, control freak. I finally look at her and she is staring back at me as floods of tears leave her eyes. I can see he has broken her, I can see it in her eyes. The same eyes that once use to shine at me but now there is nothing there. There’s no shine or hope in them. They’re empty. She is empty. I’ve been too selfish to see it. I’ve been too wrapped up in myself to see that she is a shadow of her former self. I’ve been too selfish to see how much she has needed me. “He use to hit me” she cries and I feel my stomach churn at the thought. I am relieved that I am starting to feel some sorrow for her. The feelings of love for her come creeping back up from the pits of my stomach. “He raped me” she whimpers and I can tell she is reliving it in her head. She is reliving what he did to her. “He said if I tried to leave him he would kill you” she says breaking down again. I try to suppress my own tears but it’s so hard to try and be strong when I am crumbling too. It hits me and I realise why she stayed. She stayed with him because of me which makes me feel sick. He could have done anything to me, I wouldn’t have cared but knowing what he did to her sickens me. I feel the anger and disgust for her slip away. She didn’t stay with him because she cared about him, she stayed with him because of me. She stayed with him to protect me. That makes me feel awful. That makes the love rise further. That’s just typical Sienna. She loves me that much that she would have been willing to live a miserable painful life just so I didn’t suffer.

“Please hold me” she pleads. I feel guilty as I look at her. I should have held her as soon as she told me what that bastard did. I should have known there was something wrong from the moment we got back together. I think I did know deep down but I was too wrapped up in myself to delve further into it. I didn’t care enough to ask her and question her more about her time with Mitch. I wish I hadn’t been so selfish. Wait a minute! Was that what she was trying to tell me last night before we went out? She said she had something to tell me and I just dismissed her. I just dismissed what she had to say and instead I was horrible to her. I left her alone with my friends whilst I went to get high. I thought she was going to say some bullshit about us, about how we ended. I thought she was going to tell me how sorry she was and how hard things had been for her. I lean over to her and I pull her into my arms. She collapses into me and she cries. She cries so painfully that she makes my own eyes fill with tears. My heart feels like it has shattered as I just hold her. I try to comfort her the best I can. I swear I am going to make this ok. I am going to make sure we are ok. I will never forgive myself for this though. I will never forgive myself for not being there for her.

We stay sat on the floor for what feels like hours. I don’t care how long we are sat here for, I just want her to be ok. I just want us to be ok. I need her to know I am here now. I’m not letting her go again not this time. I won’t let anyone hurt her ever again. I’m back. I am properly back, my mind body and soul is invested in her again. I need her to know that I am not going to let her down again. “I promise babe I will never touch heroin again” I promise her. I really mean it. I hate what it has done to me and what it has done to us. I just hope I can control myself and the need for it isn’t too strong. She needs me, she needs me to be there fully and I can’t be when I am high. The need she has for me, needs to be greater than my need for my next hit. I can’t put her through all that shit again. We’re both already messed up enough without me making things worse. She nods and I can tell she is relieved. I know all she wants is for us to be ok again. She holds me tightly and I hold her back. I never want to let her go. “I want you to report Mitch to the police” I tell her. There is no way that Mitch should get away with what he has done. He could do this to someone else in the future and I don’t want him to hurt someone else like he has hurt her. He needs to pay for what he has done. She shakes her head “I can’t” she says getting emotional again. I can see the fear in her eyes. What the hell has he done to her? “I can’t face him. I can’t face having everyone knowing what he did to me” she whimpers. I get that, I get that she doesn’t want everyone to know what she has been through. She doesn’t want to have to relive what he did to her. I don’t push her any further. He deserves to pay, he deserves to face justice and if she won’t make him I will have to take the matter into my own hands. I will make sure she gets justice. It might not be yet but one day she will get justice she deserves.

My arse is numb and I reluctantly stand up and I pull her up with me. I stand for a minute just hugging her. I wish I could keep her safe in my arms forever.  She clings to me and I feel like if I let her go she would fall back down onto the floor. “I need to ask you something” she says. I am relieved that she has calmed down slightly from earlier. I felt like for a minute she was never going to calm down. “Ok” I say. I need to let her say and ask whatever she needs too. “What else happened last night?” she asks. I pull back from her and I look at her confused. She knows what happened last night. She knows I took heroin and I literally knocked myself out afterwards. I want her to know I feel remorse for that. “You know what happened” I say confused. She looks at my face as if she is trying to read my expression and my mind. I don’t want to hide anything anymore. “Did anything else happen?” she asks “Did anything else happen that I need to know about?” she continues to probe. I don’t know what she is getting at but nothing else happened that she needs to know about. Well nothing that I remember at least. “No, nothing else happened” I say hoping she believes me. She bites her bottom lip and then she nods. I can tell there is something on her mind but I don’t think we can face any other revelations today. We have both been through enough already. We have to go to the airport soon and I just hope we are going to be ok. I hope she is going to be ok. I hope we can make this work, we need to make this work so we can both finally be happy.

I hold onto Sienna’s hand tightly as Trevor ushers us into the airport safely. Today has been a complete whirlwind and it seems like only moments ago we were at mine and I was comforting her. It has in fact been a few hours since then and now we’re at the airport getting ready to fly to America. The photographers and fans took as many pictures of us as they could. I’m relieved that they have at least managed to sort security out and we’re not faced with a stampede of fans like so many times before. I feel like shit and the paparazzi haven’t helped my bad mood. I hold her hand even tighter as I’m determined not to let her go. She hasn’t spoken properly since we were back at my house. I don’t push her to talk because I think she is taking everything in. She is trying to put herself back together and I’m trying to help her do that. I can’t stop thinking about getting another hit. My body craves some kind of relief but I try to ignore it the best I can. We walk through the airport quickly with Trevor attempting to shield us from holidaymakers. Everyone stares at us and I feel like shouting at them that it’s rude to stare but I know that would only make them stare more. It’s not a nice feeling being watched all the time. We quickly make it into the VIP section of the airport safe and sound. We walk inside and all the guys are already here, along with Steve and Paul. I see Liam and I feel hate towards him. I still have some doubt inside me that something happened between him and Sienna. I don’t trust him just like I don’t trust the other sly one, Zayn. Then again it’s just standard that I hate him. Their presences make me feel uncomfortable and it only makes my body crave a release even more.

We sit down on some spare seats still holding hands away from the others. Sienna stares into space as she sits deep in thought. I feel tense and stressed. I need something to help me relax before I lose myself completely. I decide to order a vodka because it will help me relax but at least it isn’t drugs. Sienna instantly lets go of my hand as I order the drink. I know she is angry with me but I never said I would give up drink. I am giving up drugs for her, I am giving that up just so I can be with her properly and so I can give her all the support she needs. She needs to understand this is hard for me too. She can’t expect me to give up drink as well. I can handle drink, I can handle that and still be there for her. I won’t lose myself completely to drink. She could do with one herself, she needs to relax. It would help her chill out if she had some vodka. We don’t speak to the others and they don’t attempt to speak to us. I look over at her and she seems to be lost in her own world as she stares at the floor. She is still broken, I can see that. It will take me time to help her shine again. It will take time for her to be like she use to be but we have all the time in the world for her to become the Sienna I knew once again.

Sienna’s POV

I sit beside him as he slowly sips his vodka. I hate that he is doing this, I hate that he is rubbing this in my face so blatantly. He never seems to consider my feelings these days. He is too self-indulged to see what is going on around him. I don’t mind him drinking but I really could have done without it right now. I could really do with a sober Harry today. I am on the edge. My mind and body feels completely done in. I feel destroyed and all I want is a drink. I just want to drink away all the pain and all the memories like I use to do. I just want to feel that familiar feeling seeping down my throat as I saviour the taste. I’ve had an awful day and that’s the one thing that could make everything feel better. I watch him in envy and all I feel is jealousy as he drinks it. It was only a couple of hours ago that he promised me he was going to change but clearly he hasn’t. He is never going to change because he will always be too selfish to follow through with it. He is never going to become that man I need again. He has changed too much to ever become that person again. I just want today to be over with. I just want to get to America and put all of this behind me.

I wish I hadn’t told him about Mitch. I wish I hadn’t felt so out of control that I blurted it out of my mouth. I wish he hadn’t put me in a position where it felt like that was the only thing that could save us. I wanted to tell him in my own time, I wanted to tell him when I was ready but he left me with no choice. He was ready to end us and I didn’t want that to happen. I can see it in him though that he already thinks different of me. He sees me as damaged goods now and I can’t blame him. I can’t blame him for thinking that because I am. I feel unworthy of his love. Mitch stripped everything away from me that I had. He has left a gaping hole in me that I don’t think can ever be filled. I feel like Harry doesn’t want me anymore. I feel like he thinks now he has to stick by me rather than him wanting to stick by me. I still can’t rid thoughts of him and Daisy from my head. I knew he wouldn’t admit it and I’m glad he didn’t. I haven’t mentioned it to him because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to be the one who ends us by accusing him of it. I can’t be without him but deep down I know I deserve more than this. I deserve more than being cheated on and being loved out of sympathy. I wish I could believe that though in my darkest hours like now.

He orders another vodka and it is taking every bit of willpower I have to not do the same. I desperately want to join him and a part of me knows it would be easier to join him on this path of destruction. I could be happy if I did the same as him. I would be happy if I did the same. The pain, the fear, the uncertainty could all be washed away with just one glass of vodka. He is passed another vodka and I don’t give myself or him chance to think. I grab it from his hand and I down it in one. The taste burns down my throat and it instantly ignites something inside of me. It gives me a sense of being again. It makes me feel better about everything that has happened lately. It slowly but surely starts to numb the pain. This has been all I have needed all this time, vodka. It makes me feel alive again. He turns to me and raises his eyebrow but he doesn’t say anything. I see it in his eyes that he wants this, he wants me to join him. He wants us to go on this journey together and if that’s what he wants then that is what he is going to get. I have fought this too long and I don’t want to fight it anymore.

I look around to see if anyone else saw what I just did and I am relieved that nobody is even looking at me but then I see Liam. He stares back at me with a look of concern on his face. He saw me, he saw me drink that vodka and I can tell he doesn’t think it is a good idea. He knows what I have been through with drugs and alcohol in the past. I was able to open up to him. I confided in him. I told him things that I have never told anyone else. I wish I had the strength to tell him everything now but it’s bad enough Harry thinks different of me. I don’t want Liam to think the same. I turn away from him and I order myself a vodka. Nobody questions me even though I can see Steve is becoming agitated. He knows this isn’t a good idea but he knows he is powerless to stop me. I want to come off the wagon and that’s exactly what I am going to do. I’ve opened the gates now and now they’re open I am not strong enough to close them again. This is the life I was destined to live. Why fight the inevitable? I am handed my drink and Harry is handed his. We sit beside each other drinking and it feels like I am in an alternate universe. A universe where we have both become alcoholics and drug addicts. We weren’t meant to do this to each other but we have. I don’t blame Harry though not right now. I blame Mitch. He’s the one who ruined me, he is the one that took away my dignity and the last good parts of me. I was always going to come back here after what he did. It was inevitable that I was going to end up destroying myself once and for all.

I’m drunk by the time we have boarded the plane. I can’t tell you how good it feels. I feel like all my problems and fears are slowly disappearing as the vodka takes over me. This is what I have needed, this is all I have needed. I sit in my seat and within seconds the seat beside me is filled. I turn to see Liam staring back at me not Harry as I was expecting. He looks concerned and worried. I really don’t need this not now. I don’t need to hear his voice of reason when I am having a good time. “I’m stepping in” he tells me firmly “I’m not letting you do this. I’m not letting you go back to that dark place” he tells me. I half laugh at him doesn’t he get it? I’m already back there, I don’t think I ever really left. “It’s too late” I slur. He is too late to help me, there was never a chance of saving me not really. I never stood a chance because inside I have always been this way. I have always been corrupted, wrong, bad and this is the only life I have ever been meant to live. This is the only way I was ever going to end up. “No it isn’t too late” he says “I’m not letting Harry bring you down with him, I’m not letting him ruin how far you have come. You are better than this” he says it with such passion that I wish I could believe him. He doesn’t understand it wasn’t Harry who ruined me, I ruined him and I was ruined long before I even met Harry.

Harry suddenly appears at the side of us and he looks at Liam unhappily. “Payne get out of my seat” he says calmly but I can see the anger ready to burst as he stares at Liam. Liam shakes his head “No” he says simply. “Move now!” Harry demands through gritted teeth. I just sit watching them. I’m too drunk to even care that they are about to go head to head with one another. “I’m not letting you bring her down with you. I’m stepping in” Liam says firmly. Harry suddenly grabs Liam by his collar and he drags him to his feet. “She’s my girlfriend not yours” Harry snaps. I can see everyone around us becoming concerned but I am more interested in getting my next drink. I don’t want to listen to this shit. “Start treating her like it then” Liam demands. I look up at Harry and he is staring back at me. I can tell Liam has hit a nerve and he knows as well as I do that he hasn’t treated me right lately. He hasn’t treated me the way he should have done and that’s partly why I am sat here drinking now. He pushes Liam back down into his seat and he storms off. I watch him as he takes a seat alone at the front of the plane. I sit back in my chair as Liam attempts to compose himself and I just feel the vodka taking over my body. This is it for me, I will never be sober again. It will always drag me back in and I haven’t got the strength to say no.

I ask the air hostess for a vodka and I glare at Liam as he attempts to stop me. Why is he interfering in this? “I want a fucking vodka” I tell her sternly. The air hostess looks uncomfortable but she quickly walks away to get me what I want. Liam turns to me “Sienna you need to stop” he says “You don’t need to drink. You don’t need to do this” he says. I really wish I could believe him. I wish he had said this earlier and stopped me. He doesn’t understand that I can’t stop now. I will never be able to stop again. I just need to keep off the cocaine. I can handle vodka but its cocaine that corrupts me. “Please don’t do this” he pleads quietly. I really wish his voice and reasoning was louder than the voices in my head. The voices I have managed to keep at bay all this time but now they’re back. They’re back bigger and louder than ever. The only way to silence them is to drink them away.

‘Don’t listen to him, you need it, you need to drink’
‘One more drink won’t do any harm’
‘You need it, you deserve it’

The voices are right. I do need it, I do deserve it and nobody including Liam can stop me from doing this. I can’t stop this now and nobody else can. Liam looks so hurt and I didn’t know he cared this much and I really wish he didn’t. I am worthless. I am damaged goods. Doesn’t he understand he can’t change who I am? This has always been me. He attempts to rub my arm affectionately but I flinch away in fear. I can’t let him touch me, I can’t let anyone touch me. I am poison, I poison everyone around me. He looks startled and upset by my actions. I wish I could tell him that I’m broken. That I am nothing and he can’t bring me back. I wish I could explain to him why I can’t let him touch me. Why I can’t let anyone touch me again. I can’t though, I can’t do anything other than turn to vodka for understanding. Vodka is the only thing that will always get me.

Harry’s POV

We get off the private plane and I wait for Sienna. I am still furious with Liam and the nine hour flight has only made me hate him more. I had nine long hours to just sit and think. He walks past me and he looks upset. He has tried to fix her but only I will ever understand why she is unfixable. He doesn’t say anything to me and he is lucky I haven’t smashed his face in. That’s how I like to resolve conflict these days by giving someone a good beating. I watch as she staggers towards me and as soon as she reaches me I grab her hand. She tries to pull it away but I am too strong for her. She reluctantly walks with me and we both wear sunglasses to try and disguise how drunk we are. We don’t speak and I imagine she is worried about facing the crowds outside. I’ll be honest I am worried too because the security here is always shit. They never do their job properly. We reach the VIP area and Trevor goes off like he always does to find out what the situation is outside.

“I need a drink” Sienna whispers to me. I know the feeling I need one too but before we get chance to order one Trevor is back. He doesn’t look as worried as he normally does so I can only imagine its good news. “The crowd is well under control” he tells us. Steve nods and he and Paul talk for a moment. I can see them watching us. I know what they are going to do, they’re going to try and split us up. They want to make us go to the hotel separately but that isn’t going to happen. I won’t let that happen. “Ok Sienna you can go with Trevor first and Zayn and Niall can leave with you” Steve says. I laugh loudly and everyone looks at me. Does he really think I am going to allow Zayn to be in the same car as her when she is this drunk? Not a fucking chance! “Over my dead body” I say firmly. I don’t even wait for a response. I just pull Sienna with me as I walk out of the VIP area. We will go on her own if we have too but they’re not splitting us up. Trevor quickly runs after us. “Follow me” he says so we do. Sienna doesn’t say a word and I don’t let go of her hand even though I know she wants me too. Trevor helps steady her even though she protests she is fine. Within minutes we are outside and the crowd goes wild as we step out. The camera flashes almost blind me and this is on a bigger scale than anything I have ever experienced before. Thank fuck the crowd is under control because if they weren’t this could be disastrous.

Trevor helps drag us to the awaiting car and we both have to help Sienna inside the car. I didn’t realise she was this drunk. She lays her head back against the seat and within seconds we are speeding off to the hotel. The traffic is busy and I am irritated that it is taking so long to get there. I just want to be alone with Sienna. I just want to lock our hotel room door and keep everyone else out. I don’t want any of them disturbing my personal time with her. They can interfere when I am working but not when I am in my own time. I can do whatever I want then. I think about Liam on the plane, the interfering bastard. Why can’t he fuck off? I am annoyed with her for not telling him to move. I turn to her “What the fuck was all that about on the plane?” I demand to know. She is drunk and I can tell she doesn’t want to listen to me. She turns away and closes her eyes. It’s fine. She may not want to talk to me here but once we’re inside our hotel room she won’t have a choice.

Sienna’s POV

I stagger into the hotel room and I can tell he is angrier than he was before. He always somehow manages to keep getting angrier and angrier. “Go on then” he snaps “Explain to me what the fuck you were playing at on that plane with Liam?” he asks. I’m tired and drunk. I don’t want to listen to him shouting and getting angry at me. I’m not a fucking doormat. He can’t keep speaking to me like this and getting away with it. I am Sienna fucking Star. I can only put my new found confidence down to the vodka. I don’t feel like a little mouse now I have been drinking. “Who the fuck are you talking to?” I ask angrily. He instantly steps to me and I forget sometimes he isn’t the same Harry he used to be. He isn’t the same shy boy he was when we first got together. He won’t just back away from me because I have challenged him like he did before. He will confront me just as loud and as angrily as I have with him. I can see it now. I can see how toxic we have become for one another but I can’t let him go. I can’t let this end.

“You made a fucking mockery of me back there” he states. I’m too drunk to even care or to carry on fighting with him. I don’t want to listen to this anymore. I walk past him and I head straight into our bedroom. I collapse onto the bed and I close my eyes willing myself to relax. I hear him walk into the bedroom and when I open my eyes he is staring at me. He looks like he has calmed down already. His mood swings are so up and down lately that I can’t keep up with him anymore. “Let’s go out” he says. I like it when he is like this, I like it when he is calm. He suddenly becomes agitated again and I imagine he is on a comedown from all the drugs he has been taking lately. I don’t want to go out though, I just want to sleep. I want to rest because all the hard work will start again soon. The rehearsals and tour will be back before we know it. It’s going to be hard to handle them without cocaine keeping me alert and awake. “No” I say adamantly. He starts to pace the room and all I can do is watch him. I watch him get more irritated and I can tell he wants to go and get drugs. He wants to go and get high and he wants me to go with him.

“I need a hit” he says as his eye twitches and he scratches his skin roughly. I knew this was coming, I knew this is what he wanted and this is why we are toxic for one another. “You know someone don’t you?” he asks “You know someone who can get it for me?” he asks in desperation. I do know someone. I know Peter and he can get drugs here for me within half an hour if I want it. We could both be happy for once. We could both take something to help us and to end this pain inside us. He lays down on the bed beside me and we both turn to look at each other. “We can get some heroin” he tells me “I swear babe you will love it. We can share the experience together” he says enthusiastically. I sit up as I register his words. He wants us to take heroin together. I can’t pretend I am not tempted because I am. Everything is shit, everything is at rock bottom and I don’t feel like things can get any worse. This could help me rid myself of the memories of Mitch forcing himself on top of me. “All the pain and memories of Mitch will wash away once you have taken it” he says like he is reading my mind. He is practically sweating as he sells the idea to me. He is saying everything I need to hear right now. I’ve always been against heroin. I have always said I would never do it but if Harry is ok with it why shouldn’t I be? What’s the worst that could happen? I could die but with how I feel that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I slowly nod and the joy quickly spreads across his face. I will remember this moment forever. This is the moment I know deep down I have sold my soul to the devil. This is the moment I start to play Russian roulette with my life.