The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 60

Chapter 60

Sienna’s POV

I stumble out of Harry’s front door and I walk to my car calmly as I hold myself together. I need to hold myself together or I will break. I will shatter. I unlock my car, open the door and I slam it shut behind me. I hold my breath in as I start the ignition and I set off. I need to get away from here, I need to get away from him. I drive slowly as I let out the breath I was holding in and without realising it my vision is clouded. My vision is clouded by tears and then I lose it. I can’t hold it in anymore. I sob. I sob hysterically. I sob so bad that I have to pull my car over as I’m afraid I will lose control if I don’t. Harry’s cries play through my ears as I realise I succeeded. I succeeded in doing what I didn’t want to do. I succeeded when I promised myself I wouldn’t, I swore I would let him go and save him any heartache. I haven’t done that though. I have broken him and in the process I have broken a part of me too.

I’ve done the right thing though. I did this for him, I did this so he can be happy. He will find someone who deserves him and then he’ll thank me. He will be grateful that I helped him meet his true love. That I wasn’t selfish enough to keep him to myself even though I needed him, even though I wanted too. I let him go because I know that is the right thing for him. I have no idea how I am going to get through this. How I am going to go home and face Mitch and pretend everything’s ok. I’m going to have to pretend this doesn’t hurt but it does. It hurts so badly and I never thought I’d care like this. I never thought when I met him in the airport all that time ago that I would have fallen in love with him. That I would have wanted him but he knows as well as I do I will never want him enough. My body will never let me want him how he needs to be wanted. That’s why I hate myself, that’s why I can never be happy. Every part of me fights against affection, it fights against love and I haven’t got anything left in me. I haven’t got it in me to want love anymore. That’s why Mitch will do. There isn’t going to be passion and love but there will be safety and security. That’s what I need now, I don’t need the butterflies and the Goosebumps. I need to be watched over. I need to stay sober. I have Mitch now I need to let Harry go.

Harry’s POV

I lay in bed and I cry helplessly. She left hours ago but I can’t do anything. All I can do is sit here and write. I can’t talk to anyone so instead I write everything I am thinking and feeling in my journal. I hope it will help me rid myself of some of this pain. Please God let it take some pain away.

Loving her was like believing in magic. It seems so mysterious and real but it’s all just an illusion. What you feel and believe isn’t what is actually there. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t go on without her. This isn’t like Melissa. This isn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before. This is excruciating. This is beyond pain. This is beyond heartbreak. This is the closest you can get to death without dying. I watched her lips tonight move as she told me she had met someone else and it was like her voice and mouth weren’t connected. My Sienna couldn’t be saying those words. She couldn’t be with another man but she is. The only woman I have ever loved and who has ever loved me back doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t just walk away. I can’t just let it go. We’re tied. We are married. I have her name inked on me for life. I have her seeping through my skin. I feel her in my veins. The pain I felt with Melissa feels like a holiday now, it was nothing compared to this. I want to stop myself but I can’t stop the tears from falling. My eyes are stinging from the lack of sleep and all the tears I’ve cried but I can’t stop it. I’m not ok. I can’t be ok. I’ll never be ok again until I have her back and until then I will never give up. Forgetting her isn’t an option only loving her is.

I close the journal and all I can think about is getting a drink, anything will do. I need something to take this pain away and the longer I think about it the worse I feel. The more I want to forget this painful life I am living. There has to be more than this, there has to be more out there for me. Maybe there is but I feel broken and there’s no way for me to find out. How can I face the world when I can’t even face myself? I hate every part of me. If I’d been more supportive, if I’d loved her more, if I hadn’t given up so easily maybe she’d still be mine. I should have gone to rehab and made her see me but instead I was a coward. I was the same useless bastard I always am. I sat in my mum’s house crying like the little bitch I am. This is my punishment. This is my karma because I didn’t appreciate her like I should have done. This for cheating on her, this is for all the times it took me more than a few minutes to forgive her and this is for sleeping with that girl the other day. I deserve this, I deserve everything I am getting. She didn’t deserve how I treated her. I should have cherished her and I thought I did but now I don’t think I did. They say you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone and I can finally relate to it. I know the meaning to that. I wish I could be better, I wish I wasn’t me. I hate myself and I’m not going to stop now until I destroy myself.