The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 68

Chapter 68

Louis’ POV

I suddenly pay attention as the other three laugh at a story Liam has told but I haven’t listened to a word he has said. I don’t want to be rude but I can’t think properly at the moment. I can’t concentrate on anything other than the door. I wait and watch in anticipation and my stomach flips every time the door opens. I wait, I keep waiting for Harry to turn up. Well that’s if he even bothers to turn up. Paul has assured us he will but I’m not so sure. I know how unpredictable he has been lately and I can’t imagine that changing anytime soon. The other three keep talking and they must sense to leave me be as they don’t include me in their conversation. I just keep watching the door. I need to sort things out with him, I need to make everything ok again.

I haven’t been the same since we fell out, since I let him down when he needed me. I want to be there for him and support him. That’s if he will let me and if he will forgive me for the way I treated him. I was out of order for the way I was with him at my house. I shouldn’t have spoken to him or treated him the way I did. He needed me and I was too wrapped up in work and my own problems to care about his which wasn’t fair. I get it now, I get how hard things have been for him now that I have stepped back and looked at the bigger picture. I didn’t listen to him or understand what he was going through. I just turned my back on him instead when he needed me.

The door opens and my stomach flips but it settles as soon as I realise it’s just Paul coming into the room and not Harry. Paul looks stressed considering we haven’t been working but then again I suppose he hasn’t had time off. He has been trying his best to mend this, to mend One Direction again. He’s seen Harry lose it too and he’s worried as well as I am. I know the other three are worried but they don’t show it as easily as me. Even Zayn is bothered by what is happening to us, to the band but he won’t admit it. I know what he is like. I could tell when I went to his and he was acting strange it all comes back to Harry. “Hey lads” Paul says to the four of us as he looks at his phone. We all greet him but it feels weird. It feels weird sitting here as a four piece and not a five piece. We are incomplete without Harry. We would be incomplete if any of us were missing. It’s only now that I realise that we can’t function properly with a member down. We need all of us to make this work.

The door opens again and my stomach churns but this time it doesn’t stop as Harry comes into my view. He wears sunglasses over his eyes and a headband in his hair which is messy. He looks like he has had a rough night but that seems standard for him lately. He seems to have aged years over the last few months. He isn’t the same person I went on tour with and I can see that clearly now. He’s changed not just in appearance, he’s changed in personality too. I suppose he had to start growing up at some point but I find that hard to deal with. It’s hard for us all to deal with because we all treated him like our little brother. We needed to protect him and he always allowed that. It’s not easy just having to stop protecting him because he doesn’t want us to anymore.

He sits down on the sofa, sunglasses still covering his eyes and he yawns loudly. He doesn’t attempt to speak to any of us just like I knew he wouldn’t. I look at the other three and they are watching him too. I know Niall will try to speak to him first, he will always try to ease the tension first. “Hey man” Niall says just like I knew he would. We all look at Harry waiting for him to respond. I hope he responds. He pulls a cigarette out from behind the back of his ear, he lights it with a lighter and then he slowly takes a drag of it. I can’t help furrowing my brow as I watch him smoke, I guess he smokes now. He was never a fan of smoking and watching him now is just more evident of how much he has changed. “Hi” he says simply as he takes a long drag of his cigarette. We all sit in an uncomfortable silence and I mentally urge someone to say something but nobody does because we don’t know what to say. I honestly don’t know how things got this bad between all of us but I wish we could make it better. I wish we could go back and make things like they were before. I want my best friend back. I want to laugh like we use to laugh. I want to call him when I’ve had a shit day, I want him to come to mine and drink beer until 3am. I just want us to be friends again. I want to be best friends again.

I know I need to make more of an effort so I try my best to mend this, to mend us. “How’ve you been?” I ask hopefully. I hope he answers me and I stare at him waiting for a response. He looks surprised that I am putting myself out there to try and make the effort with him. He scratches his arm roughly then his neck but I can tell he is relieved I am trying to make an effort with him. “I’ve been ok” he says simply. I’m disappointed at his response but I didn’t expect him to make a big effort. “What about you?” he asks reluctantly. I can tell his guard is up, he is nervous about making an effort because he’s scared of me pushing him away. I can’t blame him I wasn’t a good friend to him and he didn’t deserve that. “Not good” I admit. I have to be honest, I need him to understand what the hell has been going on in my head lately. I know I should be happy. I’m going to marry the woman I love and that makes me so happy but there is so much more going on. It’s been so hard seeing Eleanor so upset about her grandma, learning she has got limited time to live because of cancer. The news has broken Eleanor and she’s cried constantly. The only time she has smiled is when we got engaged. I have had to be the strong one supporting her but it’s hard because it’s hurt me too. Then there is everything that has happened with Harry. The guilt has been hard to deal with knowing I pushed him away. I’ve cried a lot lately and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

“I’m sorry for everything” I swallow my pride “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I’m sorry I didn’t understand what you were going through with Sienna but I get it now. I understand what you were going through” I say hoping he will forgive me. I lay myself out to him in hope of mending our friendship. I hope he can see that I really am sorry and all I want is to mend our friendship. “It’s fine” he says calmly. I am surprised that he is forgiving me so easily. This doesn’t seem like something Harry would do. The old Harry would have done but not the Harry of late, he wouldn’t forgive this. Maybe he is changing, maybe the old Harry is still there. I will take it though, I will take his forgiveness. I smile at him but I can tell something still isn’t right with him. There is something that doesn’t fit right. I can see it written all over his face. I want to say more but I don’t want to ruin this, I don’t want to ruin us resolving our issues.

He starts to scratch his arm roughly again to the point where he looks like his skin is going to bleed. He looks slightly agitated and I notice sweat slowly trickling down his forehead. There’s something wrong here and as I look at the other three I can tell they are thinking the same as me too. “Are you ok?” I ask but before he can answer he starts to vomit on the floor. My instincts make me jump up and rush to his side to try and help him. He obviously drank too much last night and this is his hangover kicking in. I want to rub his back as he empties the contents of his stomach on the floor but I’m not sure if he will be ok with that. I look up at Paul and he looks furious but he isn’t going to say anything to him. He knows that’s the worst thing he could do now. He knows as well as I do that were lucky he is even here now. I rub his back and I’m hurt as he flinches from my touch. He tries to relax but I can still feel how stiff he is but I try to overlook it to make him feel better. I can’t help being secretly pleased at his sudden vulnerability. He needs me, he needs me to help him and I am going to be there for him. I am going to make sure he is ok. I need to make the most of this, I need to make the most of him letting me be there for him.

Sienna’s POV

I rub my face as I feel stressed. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and my head aches from everything going on inside it. I sit in the middle of my dressing room with clothes and shoes surrounding me. I’ve spent the last hour trying to sort out what to take with me to America but it’s proving harder than I thought. I can’t concentrate on what I need to do. I wish I had someone to do this for me. It’s ironic really all the years I complained that I never got to do anything myself. I complained that someone packed my suitcase for me but as I attempt to pack myself I wish I had someone doing it for me. I wish I wasn’t attempting to do this myself. I have no idea where to start as I stare at the mountains of clothes and shoes I own. I am tempted to call Simon to get someone here to do this for me but I persevere as I keep sorting through all of my clothes.

I stiffen as soon as I notice Mitch in the doorway. He stands watching me making me feel uncomfortable as he stares at me with his tiny beady eyes. He watches everything I do and I wait for him to say something. He is going to have an opinion, he always does. I instantly think about what he did to me last night and I have to swallow back down sick that reaches my mouth. My stomach churns at the thought of him and what he did. I try desperately to rid the thoughts from my head but it isn’t that easy. He has mentally scarred me and it’s going to take some time for that to fade. I put it to the back of my mind and try to ignore the thought of it. I try to act like nothing has happen, that I am not living with a monster and the more I pretend, the more I die inside. He makes me want to die but I can’t go back there. I can’t go back to that dark place, the horrible place I was at not long ago. I’m on the road to recovery and I need to stick on that road no matter how many times he tries to knock me off it. I can’t let him win by destroying me. I try to act normal but you have no idea how hard that is under his scrutiny. I lift up a black dress and I give it my full concentration as I decide whether I want to take it with me or not. “You’re not taking that” he tells me sternly and his words make me jump. I look up at him reluctantly and he is glaring at me. I know better now than to go against him so I nod and put it in my ‘no’ pile. I can’t risk being punished by him again.

He walks to me and I freeze in fear as he bends down beside me. He starts to look through my clothes as he puts the majority of them in the ‘no’ pile. I don’t do anything, I just let him sort through my clothes as I sit here pathetically. I never thought I would live like this, I never thought I would be weak but I here I am being just that. I watch in disgust even though I don’t show it as he packs horrific clothes for me. Everything is high necked and loose. They’re all things I would just wear around my house, never out in public. They are the kind of things I wouldn’t have been seen dead in before I met him but they’re my life now and I don’t have a choice. “Are you ok?” he asks and I flinch as he strokes my face. I nod avoiding his eye contact because I can’t look into his evil eyes. “You seem distant. Is something wrong?” he asks. If I had any passion or fire left in me I would challenge him. I would challenge him and ask him if he was joking but in reality I’m too scared. I’m too scared to question him but if I wasn’t I would ask him if he thinks it’s acceptable to rape someone. I would ask him if he thinks it’s acceptable to destroy the last parts of someone with no remorse.

I don’t say anything though, I don’t say anything that I want to say. I could never challenge him again could I? “I’m tired” I say emptily. I feel empty and tired. I didn’t sleep a wink last night after what he did and the thought of falling asleep beside him tonight terrifies me. “Once we’re in America you’ll be able to relax” he tells me. I nod even though I don’t agree. I will never be able to relax whilst I am in the same company as him. “What time is your meeting?” he asks. “Noon” I say knowing what is coming next. “I’ll come with you” he says forcefully. It takes me a minute to pluck up the courage to speak because I am scared of his reaction. “The record label are strict about who comes in these meetings. It will just be me, Simon, Steve and them” I say fearfully. I watch his mouth tighten together “Fine I’ll wait in the car for you” he says. I nod because it’s easier to let him take me, it’s easier to always agree with him. I will always have to just agree with him.

Harry’s POV

I allow everyone to pander around me and I enjoy it slightly. I enjoy the attention and acceptance everyone gives me. My anger and tolerance for them is under control and I don’t get agitated by them all like I have done lately. I know why, I know why I can suddenly tolerate them but I keep it to myself. I will always have to keep this to myself. The drugs I took earlier with Daisy have taken affect and they’re wearing off again. I love the feeling taking heroin gives me and I can’t stop thinking about getting back to Daisy and taking more. I was scared at first when I started being sick but she explained it all to me. She explained everything to me and she made everything make sense like she always does. She told me being sick is normal. My body is rejecting the drugs and it will do this every now and again when I take it. My mood is relaxed and I enjoy this time. I can’t tell the others what I have done. They won’t understand, they won’t understand why I have done this. They won’t get why I need to do this. I don’t care what they think though because I don’t need anyone’s approval anymore.

We sit at the table in the meeting room and everyone makes small talk. I don’t join in, I just smile at my phone as Daisy sends me dirty text message. I text her back telling her what I am going to do to her when I get back to hers. “How do you feel about seeing Sienna?” Niall asks me quietly. I look at him confused and then it hits me. I suddenly realise what’s happening. This isn’t just any meeting, this is a meeting with Sienna. I feel sick as I panic realising she will be here soon. I’m not prepared for this, I’m not ready to see her. I get up and walk to the far side of the room. I call the only person who seems to know me these days and the only person who wants to know the real me. Daisy. “Hey sexy” she answers. I instantly relax as I hear her voice. She instantly makes me feel better. “Hey baby” I say happily. “Everything ok?” she asks. “It is now” I say. It really is ok now, she will make sure it is all ok.


I sit back down next to Niall and I feel calm. I even listen to a shit joke Liam tells and I chuckle lightly at the punch line. Liam notices and smiles happily at me. There is nothing that man loves more than someone laughing at his jokes. The more time goes by the more my nerves creep back in. I sit impatiently waiting to face the woman who broke my heart. I miss the days when I didn’t have anything to worry about other than what I was going to have for dinner. These days my mind is always clouded. It’s clouded by drugs, Daisy or worse Sienna. Niall nudges me and starts to say something but he stops and stares at the door. He looks uneasy and I know why as I turn to the door too. There she is Sienna. She walks into the room followed by Simon and Steve. She doesn’t look at any of us as she takes a seat. She looks different, it’s weird. I feel like I don’t know who she is anymore. I feel Niall squeeze my knee under the table to comfort me but it doesn’t help. My heart is in my throat and nothing is going to make me feel ok now.

She avoids my stare as she sits down at the table. She briefly catches my eye and her eyes look empty. I feel like everyone is watching the pair of us but I do everything I can not to show any emotion. I don’t want anyone to see what affect she still has on me. My mouth is dry and my stomach churns as I watch her. The woman who destroyed me. The drugs seem to have completely worn off and I feel every single bit of pain she caused me. I feel every ache she caused me. I love her, I still love her and nothing I say or do is going to change that anytime soon. I don’t know why I keep lying to myself that I am done with her or that I hate her. Its lies. The hate I thought I felt for her has disappeared now that she sits in the same room as me. The tension is clear and everyone can feel it. I wish I could convince her that we are meant to be together. She could save me from all of this shit, she could save me from everything.

I know I have Daisy now but she is just a rebound. She is just a backup until Sienna comes back to me. She has to come back to me eventually doesn’t she? She plays with her bracelet nervously and I desperately want to lean over and tell her she doesn’t need to be nervous. She doesn’t need to be scared, she never needs to be scared with me here. She looks at me and we just stare at one another. She looks sad, empty even. She doesn’t look happy, she doesn’t look happy how I made her happy. She wears a hideous jumper and no make-up. The Sienna I knew wouldn’t be seen out and about like this. I wish I knew what happened to her. I wish I knew what happened to her and to us.

Simon starts to talk but I don’t turn my attention away from Sienna and she just stares at me. “So we wanted to all get together and discuss the next steps” Simon says as he shifts through his papers noisily. I turn my attention to him as he puts his glasses on. I try to concentrate on what he is saying but it’s hard with Sienna so close by. “We want you all to fly back to America in a couple of days to start rehearsals again and we’re going to start the tour from next week. We’ve informed the event organisers and they are issuing new tickets for the correct dates” he explains “Is everyone ok so far?” he asks looking up from his paper work. We all nod except for Sienna because I imagine she already knows the plans. She will already know exactly what is going on. “There’s going to be minimal time off” Simon continues “There will be occasions were you’ll have to fly back to London just for a couple of days then go back again” he says. I love the fact that I will be so close to Sienna again. I can use the time to convince her we are meant to be together.

“Can we fetch partners?” Louis asks. I imagine the thought of being away from Eleanor for so long will freak him out. They’re attached at the hip. I look back at Sienna and I watch her. The distance shows on her face. Who is she? I don’t know what has happened to her but she is different. Her clothes, her attitude, her behaviour, everything is different. I can’t help wondering about her new boyfriend. Does he love her like I love her? I doubt that is even possible, I doubt anyone could love another like I love her. I bet he doesn’t make her happy like I did. I hate that I still feel so much for her, I hate that I still care so much but I can’t just turn off how I feel. I have never felt like this before and I know she hasn’t either. I watch Sienna bite her bottom lip nervously as Simon answers Louis’ question. “Yes you can bring your partners whenever you want just speak to Paul” Simon says.

I see Sienna tense up and she looks worried. She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. Then it hits me, it hits me like a truck. I realise what is happening, I realise why she looks so worried. She is going to bring him, she is going to bring her new fella with her. I feel sick as I think about it as I think about seeing them together every day. She can’t, she can’t bring him. She wouldn’t do this to me would she? I can’t handle it, I can’t see them together. I thought I was moving on but seeing her now proves that I was wrong. I am nowhere nearer to moving on than I was when she ended it with me. I quickly stand up and my chair knocks over and hits the floor heavily. Everyone stares at me but I don’t care. I can only look at her and she looks back at me. She knows what’s up, she knows what’s wrong with me.

“Are you bringing him?” I ask. My throat hurts because it is so dry. I stare at her hoping she has some decency left in her and that she wouldn’t put me through this. She nods shamefully and my world comes crashing down. How could she fucking do this to me? How the fuck am I meant to do this? How am I meant to go on tour and see her with him every fucking day? I can’t do this. I feel another blow to my battered heart. I slam my hand as hard as I can on the table. “FUCK!” I shout as pain shoots through my hand. Everyone jumps as my anger blows up. “How could you fucking do this?” I ask angrily. She doesn’t say anything and neither does anybody else. They daren’t challenge me now especially when I am so close to losing it. Sienna looks terrified as she sits staring at me and for once she has nothing to say. She can’t say anything because she knows she is wrong. She knows what she is doing to me is wrong.

“Harry calm down!” Simon demands taking charges like he always does. “I can’t do this” I admit as I grip my hair desperately. I do the only thing I have become accustomed too lately, I walk out. I walk out of the room and I slam the door behind me. I stagger down the corridor as I fight back the tears but I can’t fight anymore. I can’t fight any of this again. I stumble down the corridor. “Harry” I hear and I quickly turn around to see Sienna stood in the corridor staring at me emotionally. Her lip trembles as she stares at me and I rush to her. We’re like magnets and as much as we try to fight it we will always be drawn back together. We will always be drawn back to each other because we’re meant to be. She just needs to remember it, she needs to remember us. She is crying as I reach her and all I want to do is wipe her tears away. I just want to make her happy again. I want her to be mine again. I can’t read her though and I don’t know if she wants this, if she will ever want this.

“You said you wanted me to be happy didn’t you?” she asks emotionally. I remember that conversation we had. The words I said to her when I was vulnerable and not thinking straight. I never thought she would be happy without me. I remember everything about that day when she broke me. I made her promise that she wouldn’t forget me, forget us but she did. She has forgotten hasn’t she and I know I should accept it but I can’t. “I do” I cry “But I know nobody can make you happy like I can” I whimper. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could walk away and let her go but I can’t. I have never been able to move on since we met. I can’t think anymore, the more I think the more doubt clouds my thoughts. I do the only thing that feels right. The only thing I want to do. I pull her to me and then I kiss her. I kiss her and everything feels right again.