The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 58

Chapter 58

Sienna’s POV

I wake up the next morning and I feel refreshed which is a strange feeling. I will never get use to waking up with a clear head after so many years of waking up either hung over or still drunk. I slowly sit up as I stare around my bedroom at Simon’s and I have an overwhelming feeling of safety. I feel safe here but there’s always that feeling deep down that tells me something is going to go wrong. It always goes wrong. I’m cursed. Squiddly and Diddly sleep soundly beside me. They make me smile, they always have done and they always will. I stretch my arms into the air as I try to wake myself up fully. I could stay in bed all day but I know I can’t. If I don’t get up soon Simon will come in looking for me, he loves early mornings and he always has. We use to bicker about my sleeping patterns a lot when I was younger. He always thought you should be up early but I like to sleep in. He always use to try and wake me up but I always won. I don’t feel like arguing today though. I get out of bed and as I do Squiddly and Diddly wake up. I stroke them both as they greet me excitedly and I make my way to the door. I leave the room and they both follow me down the stairs.

I open the living room door and I’m surprised to see Steve sat beside Simon. I knew he wouldn’t be able to help himself coming around as soon as he knew I was back, nosey bastard. I greet them both with the best smile I can and I take a seat in the armchair. “Hi” Steve smiles at me and I feel a bit bad for always thinking the worse of him. I’m use to him bossing me around and telling me what to do which pisses me off. I do like him really but sometimes he annoys me. “It’s good to see you looking well” he says and he sounds genuine “Life has been quiet without you” he teases me. I chuckle because I know that’s an understatement. He’s probably relished the break. “I can imagine” I say as I get comfortable. Steve and I haven’t always seen eye to eye but he is one of the few people who knows me and who I can trust. Yes he’s a pain in the arse but he has been good to me. “What are your plans for today?” Simon asks me as he lights a cigarette. That man constantly chain smokes and I thought about smoking when I was younger to look cool but after living with him for years it put me off. I have told him for years to quit but he never listens and I don’t think he ever will.

“I’m going to go home” I tell him. There’s some things I need to do and I’m dreading them. I’m not sure if it’s even a good idea. “I was thinking of going to see Harry” I tell him feeling nervous at the thought. Simon looks at me sternly “Do you think that’s a good idea?” he asks. If I’m honest I have no idea if it’s a good idea or not but I think I need to do it. I need him to know there is no ill feeling between us and I want him to hear it from me first that I’m back. I wonder how he has been. I can’t deny that I have missed him but whether that’s for my own selfish benefit or for him I’m not sure. I shrug “I don’t know” I admit. I have no clue if I am going to make things worse by seeing him or not. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s trying to move on and it’s only been 3 weeks since you left. It’s not like he has moved on in that short space of time” Simon says. I know he’s right but I want to see him. I want to apologise to him and I want to see how I feel about him. I know that’s selfish but I want to know if I can control myself around him because I haven’t been able to before. “I’m going to get dressed and head home” I say “I’ve got some other things to do too”. That’s a lie I haven’t got things to do but I need time to think on my own and to decide what I am going to do. I stand up and head back towards the door. “Sienna” Simon says and I stop and turn to look at him. “Please for once listen to me about Harry” he looks at me pleadingly “He isn’t ready” he states. All I can do is nod because I think this time Simon might be right.


I park up outside my house badly may I add. If I was to retake my driving test I would fail a hundred percent. I can’t even park. I climb out and lock my car behind me. I walk to my gate and then I head down the path towards my front door. The nearer I get the first thing I see is someone sat on my doorstep with their head in their hands. My adrenaline starts to build up as it rushes through my body. I feel sick as I realise who it is and I can’t help wondering why he is here. How did he get here? My stomach does somersaults, this can’t be real. Things like this don’t happen to people like me. I stand still and stare at him and then he moves his hands from his face and he looks at me and our eyes meet. He’s here. Mitch is here. He gives me an awkward smile and I feel frozen as I stare at him. I am in shock. I can’t smile or say anything even though I’m happy he is here. I think I’m happy. He stands up and rushes to me and before I know it he is towering above me. He’s taller than I remember.

“What are you doing here?” I ask calmly but my heart is in my throat and I have no idea what I should be doing. What do I say? He steps closer to me and he doesn’t say a word. I feel him cup my face with his large hands and fire burns through my body. Our eyes connect and we don’t lose one another’s gaze even though I desperately want too. “Mitch” I say but it comes out as a squeak. My body feels like jelly and my head well that doesn’t even feel like it’s connected to my body. “Sienna” he speaks my name so softly and I have missed that voice. I have missed him. He moves his face closer to mine and I can feel his hot breath on my face and I gulp nervously. “I need you” he insists as he moves his lips closer to mine and they almost touch. “What?” I ask as my lips tremble slightly. What is this man doing to me? “No more questions” he says “Kiss me” he breathes slowly. This is something out of a movie. Things like this don’t happen to me, I’m never meant to get my happy ending but here I am finally getting one. His lips connect with mine and I feel like my whole body is lit up by him. He doesn’t move his hands from my face and I hold on to his arms to steady myself as I lose myself in this man. I haven’t felt like this since…...Harry. Harry fills my head and I know it’s wrong and I feel guilty as I realise I am moving on already. This is only like passion I have ever experienced with Harry. The noise of the traffic and busy London streets seem to stand still as all I hear is the noise of mine and Mitch’s lips connecting. He breaks the kiss and I whimper not wanting to lose the connection.

He moves his head back at he stares at my contently “I can’t get through this without you” he tells me helplessly “I need you Sienna, I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone before” he looks like he is going to cry. I have no idea what to say and even if I did I wouldn’t be able to say it. He wraps his arms around me and I try everything I can not to stiffen up but I still do. I know in time though I will become ok with this. I will won’t I? I want to give myself to him I really do but I can’t rid myself of my thoughts of Harry.


I sit on the sofa with Mitch beside me and I stare at the TV. He laughs at whatever we are watching but I can’t concentrate on it. I have too much going on in my head. We have hardly spoken since I found him outside but it isn’t awkward. It just feels how it should, it feels like we’ve always been together. That scares me though. It’s too familiar and I don’t know if I like familiar. We have literally not moved off this sofa since we came inside. I feel tense as I realise he has hold of my hand. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I enjoy his touch? I don’t know why but something doesn’t feel right. There’s something inside me that is telling me this is wrong. I want to shut that up, I don’t want to hear this is wrong. It’s got to be right. I’ve got nothing else otherwise.

“How did you know where I lived?” I eventually ask him. How did he know where I live? I never told him and rehab would never have given out that kind of personal information. “I got on the first plane I could to London and I asked around and found out where you was” he tells me but I notice slight nervousness in his voice. He sounds like he is lying. I know the signs of lying as he avoids my eye contact. I’m an expert at lying, I always have been. I want to question him more but I’m drained. It has drained me seeing him and I’m sure that isn’t a good thing. I should still have that adrenaline I felt when I first saw him but that has long gone now. I can never keep hold of adrenaline for more than a few minutes.

“Are you glad I came?” he asks. I look at him and he’s looking back at me and his eyes are narrowed slightly. Am I glad he came? I’m not sure. I think I am but it scares me at the same time. “Of course” I say turning away from him and I stare at the TV. I don’t know why he is here. I mean we hardly ended things well. He was an arsehole with me. I don’t put up with that sort of thing. He’ll learn that soon enough. “I’m sorry about the way I was on the day you left. I had an off day and I took it out on you and I know I shouldn’t have done. I needed some space but you stormed off before I could explain. Then the next thing I knew you were gone” he sighs “I tried to get your details but they wouldn’t give them to me. Why did you just go like that?” he asks. He wants me to open up and he has no idea how hard this is for me. I can’t just tell him how I feel because everything in me tells me not to I have been trained this way. My throat feels like it could seize up rather than tell him how I feel. I shrug. What can I say? “I didn’t think you cared” I admit. Why does he care? Nobody has ever cared before except Harry. He’s the only one who got me.

“Fuck Sienna did you not notice how I was always around you? That I ignored all the advice given to me from the psychiatrist and from my recovery plan and still hung around you” he states “I gave you so many hints, I told you I wanted to see you after this. How can someone be so naïve?” he asks. His judging words cut at me. I’m not fucking naive I’m the complete opposite of that. He has no clue who I am. He doesn’t know me. My body stiffens “I wasn’t naïve” I snap “I just thought we formed a friendship. I was happy with just that” I snap. He shakes his head sternly “How can someone as beautiful as you not know how incredible you are? How can you not know how desirable you are?” he asks and I hear the disbelief in his voice. I feel sick at his kind words. I’m not use to this but I know I’m going to have to get used to it. He strokes his thumb along my hand “You are the kindest person I’ve ever met” he says emotionally. He has no idea who I am. I’m not kind, I couldn’t be any further from kind and he will realise that eventually. I don’t say a word as I listen to him open up to me.

“Meeting you made the last drug fuelled hell of a year worthwhile just so I could be with you” he sniffs. I’m sure normal people would enjoy these words but I don’t. They terrify me instead. He’s going to be another one I hurt but I know I need him. I need him to get me through this, I need him to care about me. I feed off love and affection even though I can’t show it myself. I need him to want me because that makes me realise I’m still alive. “I love you” he tells me. I stiffen immediately. Love! I fucking hate that word. It’s meant to mean so much but it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean anything because you can just say it and not mean it. I don’t love him and deep down he doesn’t love me. He won’t love me when he learns who the real me is. He’s looking at me desperate for me to return the words. “I love you too” I lie. That’s how easy it is to say. I say the words so freely that I will never believe the words even if they leave my mouth and I think I mean them. I will never mean them. I will never love him. “I’m going to make you so happy” he assures me but his words don’t reassure me. They make me feel sick. They make me feel uneasy. Nobody will make me happy, I will never be happy.

Harry’s POV

I greet Louis with a brief handshake as we meet backstage at the photo-shoot. I’m feeling rough. I drank too much last night but I am getting better at hiding it. “Hey” he smiles as we walk together to get our hair and makeup done. He doesn’t comment on my appearance so I can only assume he thinks I’m fine but I’m not. I couldn’t be any further from fine. I’m a mess. I have hardly slept since I slept with that girl………fuck I don’t even know her name. I disgust myself and the only thing that can stop me loathing myself to the point of destruction is to drink. I’m getting to the point though were that isn’t helping anymore. I need something else, I need something worse and a part of me is scared of where I am going to end up. I paint on a brave face though I’ve just got to get through today and then tonight I can let the façade go. I can go back to my misery then.

“How’s things?” I ask him as I look straight ahead. “Good” he says but I sense an uneasiness in his voice. “Have you heard from Zayn?” he asks. Why would I have heard from Zayn? We barely speak when we have to let alone when were not working. “No why?” I ask curiously as I look at him. I can tell something is wrong by his face. “Just wondering” he says scratching his head “What have you been up to?” he asks me changing the subject. I want to question him more but my head hurts too much and I can’t be bothered talking about anything in too much detail. “Not much” I lie. Well I can’t exactly tell him I have been pissed and shagging around can I? He’d only judge me like he always does. I can’t tell anyone about it. The last thing I want is to remember it myself. “What about you?” I ask deflecting the questions off me and back on to him. “Just spending time with Eleanor” he smiles. Surprise, surprise. That’s all he ever does. He spends all his time hauled up at his house with Eleanor. He doesn’t like all the public attention. I suppose in that sense we are complete opposites.

We walk into the dressing room were the other three sit and they all look at me and then look at Zayn. I feel isolated again. They know something and they’re hiding it from me. I should be used to being the outsider by now but I’m not. It still bothers me and every time it happens my heart sinks a little more. “Have I done something?” I ask. I can’t dwell on this again I just want to know what I have done. Niall looks at me concerned “What? No why?” he asks. I feel insecure. Fuck I hate feeling like this. I never use to be insecure until I met her. I can’t think about her now. I can’t get dragged back into that black hole. “You’re all being a bit off with me” I claim. They don’t say anything, they just all look at Zayn. I knew it would be that arsehole who has a problem with me. It always is. “What have I done?” I ask him. He stands up and walks to me “I thought you might have already known” he says. What is he talking about? What did he think I’d already know? I’m getting frustrated “Known what?” I ask annoyed. He breathes out heavily “Sienna’s home” he tells me. The words hit me like a truck. I hold on to Zayn as I become dizzy. What is he saying? I can’t take in these words as a million things run through my head. Did he say Sienna is back? “What?” I ask. The words leave my mouth but I don’t feel like I have said them.

“She’s back in London, Perry saw her in Waitrose and they went back to hers” he explains “Then she came to ours for dinner” he tells me. If I could think straight I would punch him for not telling me this sooner but I can’t even think. How could she not tell me that she is back? I feel myself start to sweat and my eyes fill with tears. I can’t stay here. I can’t carry on now. I turn around and I don’t even think about it I just run out of the dressing room. I have to see her, I have to make her see sense. I have to make her want me. I’ve got to make her see that I’m the one. If she realises that then she’ll save me from the brink of hell. She’ll make everything ok.

I jump into my car and I start it up. I know I’m over the limit, I was over the limit when I drove this morning but I don’t care. I just need to see her, I need her. I speed out of the car park and I drive straight into traffic. “FUCK!” I scream as I slam my fists hard into the steering wheel. I pull my phone out of my pocket and if it wasn’t brand new I would smash it against the steering wheel too. My hands are shaking as I search through my contacts until I find Perry’s number. I call her and she answers after a few rings. I don’t give her chance to speak, I just need an answer from her. “Perry” I say almost out of breath as my body tenses “I need Sienna’s address” I demand. The traffic moves slightly and I feel myself get more worked up every second that passes by. “I don’t think that’s a good idea” she says calmly. FUCK! Does she not understand this is an emergency? I’m not fucking about here, this isn’t a fucking game. “Perry I don’t give a fuck if it’s a good idea or not I need it” I say through gritted teeth. She hesitates and I am going to rip her apart if she doesn’t comply soon. “Perry it’s an emergency” I snap “Don’t fuck about” I sneer. She sighs “Fine I will text it to you but you’re asking for trouble” she says. I wasn’t asking for her opinion. The silly bitch. I just want this information. I hang up and I wait for the text. I catch sight of myself in my mirror and I don’t recognise the insane crazy eyes staring back at me. What the fuck have I become? The old me would never shout down the phone at Perry but the old me is long gone. She’s taken over me now and when it comes to her I can’t think. I can’t think of anything other than her.

The text comes through from Perry and I check the address. I quickly search for the address through my sat navigation system and the route shows up. I slam my hand down on my horn even though it won’t make any difference to the traffic. The traffic moves slightly and I do an urgent U-Turn in the middle of the road and I don’t give a fuck that I nearly smash into the car in front and behind me. I head in the direction of Sienna’s house. I drive as quickly as London traffic will allow me too. I fucking hate traffic. I feel like my head is up my arse as I get closer to her. My body is still tense and all I can think about is getting to her. I need to get to her. My phone keeps ringing none stop but I ignore it. It will only be one of the others. They’ll be trying to get hold of me, to try and make me think rationally but I can’t. They could never understand how this feels. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks because all I want is her. I pull into a quiet street and I realise it’s hers. I leave my car abandoned in the middle of the road just taking my phone with me. They can tow it away for all I care. She’s more important than my car, she’s more important than anything else. I rush to her house and as I reach her door I feel like I am going to be sick. My heart is racing and tears pour down my face. I smash my hand on the door desperate to see her. Please let her want me. Please God let her still love me.

Sienna’s POV

I heave myself up from my comfy position on the sofa as I hear loud knocks on my door. Bloody Mitch. He’s only been gone ten minutes. I was hoping for a bit of time to think about things whilst he went to his home to get a change of clothes but he’s obviously rushed there and back. I still don’t know how I feel about everything. My head is a mess. I open the door and I start to speak as I do “That was quick” I half smile but as the door opens fully my stomach drops. I’m not met by Mitch as I had expected instead before me stands Harry. My eyes widen as I take in his appearance. “H…Harry” I stutter. I take in his frame. I take in the man who cries before me. The man I loved and the man who loved me. He looks broken as I take in his face. His sobs rip through me and his eyes look empty. They’re not full of energy and life like they were when I first met him. They don’t sparkle any more they look lifeless. The bags under his eyes make it look like he hasn’t slept properly in weeks. I’ve done this, I know I have. I have broken him. I’ve destroyed him like I knew I would. I have ruined him. I don’t know what to say and its clear neither does he.

We stand staring at each other. Me in shock and him in floods of tears. “What are you doing here?” I ask holding the door for support. My legs feel like they are going to give way. I wasn’t ready for this, not yet. I wanted to be prepared for when I saw him but I couldn’t be any further from prepared now. I didn’t realise I would still feel like this, I thought I would feel nothing but I feel something. I’m not sure what it is but I feel something. “Can I come in?” he asks through his tears. I hesitate but I know I can’t refuse him. I allow him to walk into my house and I shut the door behind him. I lead him into my living room and we sit down beside each other. It’s so hard seeing him cry, especially like this. He stares around the room taking in the house I decorated, the house I am meant to call home. It’s strange to think he is my husband and he’s never been here before. This is just proof we rushed into things. We went too fast with our relationship and that’s why it ended like this. Then again it would have ended like this no matter what we did. I was going to hurt him. He knew it and I knew it.

I fidget with my bracelet and I look away from him. I don’t know what to say and neither does he. My heart beats fast though and I haven’t felt like this before. This isn’t anything compared to what I have felt before. I turn to him and he looks different. He seems thinner and his hair is longer. It feels like a life time since we saw each other but it’s only been a few weeks. Its clear nothing has healed for him and the pain he felt because of me is still raw. He’s still handsome though even when he cries. I want to desperately touch him. I want to feel him close again but I’m scared of rejection.

We just stare at each other and then I feel his arms around me. He hugs me tightly and I hug him back. He embraces me and I don’t stiffen up. I enjoy this moment as we hold each other. I have missed his touch. His touch is the only one that feels natural to me. The only one that doesn’t make me reel back in disgust. We don’t speak and all I feel is his heart against me beating wildly and his body shaking from the tears he is crying. I take in his scent. I’ve missed that smell and it instantly relaxes me. I shouldn’t be doing this though, I shouldn’t be encouraging him so I slowly pull out of his embrace. “Hi” I say softly and I’m relieved when he laughs lightly. “Hi” he smiles as his eyes glisten with tears. I had forgotten how much I have missed him. I really have but I know for his sake I can’t dwell on that too much. He still loves me, I can see that clearly. “I missed you” he tells me and it’s like he has just read my mind. I give him a small smile but I don’t say the words back. What’s the point? What good would it do?

“Why didn’t you tell me you were back?” he asks. I shrug. I don’t want to answer his questions because I don’t know the answers to them and deep down he doesn’t want to know the answers either. “All I wanted was to be here for you” he tells me. “I had to do it on my own” I tell him. I did. I had to become strong on my own and I hope he gets that. I hope he gets why I had to do it like I did. He nods and I can tell he understands to an extent. That’s him though he always understands. “I just wish you had told me you were going. I had to find out with everyone else. It made me feel like I meant nothing to you. It was like I was just someone you knew” he says hurt clear in his voice. His tears have stopped flowing but that doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting still because he is. That’s clear. I look away because I can’t stand to see him hurt. I hate myself for making him feel like this. “I just went, I didn’t think about it” I admit “I had nothing left” I tell him. I hate how serious this conversation has become but I know we have to have it. It will have to happen eventually so I may as well get it over with now.

“I could have helped you. I could have been there for you but you never gave me the chance” he says and I can tell he is becoming angry. I don’t want to fight. I’m tired of fighting, it isn’t going to change what has happened between us. “I know I just didn’t know how to tell you. I’d already hurt you countless times I didn’t want to do it again” I am being more honest than I thought I could be. I watch as he stands up and he rubs his face with his hands. “I love you” he says and I know he means it. He means every word. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you” he cries. The tears have started again and they don’t seem like they are going to stop. I look away from him and my eye catches the tattoo on my wrist. My Harry tattoo. I still remember the feelings I felt that day when I got this tattoo. I truly loved him. I felt more for him than I thought possible but now I have no idea what I feel. I’ve just told someone else I love them. I’ve just been kissing Mitch.

His phone rings and it snaps us both out of our thoughts. I watch as he becomes anxious as he stares at his phone. “It’s Paul” he tells me and I realise that he’s obviously diverted himself from his commitments to be here. It’s like déjà vu. I always seem to drag him away when he is needed. “I need to go” he sighs “Can I see you tonight?” he asks “There’s so much more we need to talk about” he states. He’s right there is so much more so I nod. I owe it to him to be honest and I need time to prepare myself and pluck up the courage to do that. He walks to me and he kisses my cheek. My pulse races at the connection and he lingers a little longer than he should. “I’ll see you at about eight” he says hopefully as he grabs a pen from my table. He grabs my hand and he write his address down on the back of my hand. “That’s my address” he tells me and he stands up and walks to the door. I watch him and he looks back at me with a small smile and then I hear my front door open and shut. I stare at the words on my hands as I take in what has just happened. What am I going to do? How can I tell Harry I’ve met someone else? I feel sick as I realise I’m going to break his heart all over again.