The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Sienna's POV

I stare at the cocaine, placed on one of my tables. I know I shouldn't touch it, I shouldn't even consider it. Who am I kidding though? I need it, all of it. I'm a fucking mess. A shameful mess. 

I've got Harry and Zayn, both of them dangling from a string. I'm playing them like puppets, but the links are starting to untangle. My lies and deceit are causing it all to unravel. It's only a matter of time before the truth comes out and I'm not strong enough to deal with the aftermath. I'm not ready to deal with the hate because now Liam knows it's only a matter of time before everyone else finds out.

This will be catastrophic. This can't all be brushed under the carpet. Everything will be destroyed and I'm the only one to blame for it. 

I bend down, sniffing up a line of cocaine through a rolled up bank note. My nose stings, forcing me to rub it to ease some of the pain. This is what happens when you're snorting endless lines of cocaine a day. My usage has shot up lately. I can't help it, I can't function without it anymore. 

I need it, I need it to get through each day. I'm nothing without it. 

I slump down on the floor, holding my head in my hands. Everything's a mess, which I've created. I'm so tired, tired of everything. I'm slowly killing myself, I know it, but I can't stop. I'll never stop, not until I die. 

My dark thoughts bring Harry to the forefront of my mind. My chest aches just thinking about him. I love him, but I fucking hate him too. He caused this, he caused all of this. He made me feel, showed me how to love and now I've got to deal with letting him go. It's so damn hard, but I've got to let him move on. I've got to give him the chance to live a normal with, with someone who'll treat him right. He shouldn't have to put up with someone who lies to him every single day. He blames himself for everything thats happened between us, believing I'm innocent, but I'm not. I'm the bad one, I'm the one who ruined everything we had. 

The entire world thinks he betrayed me. That his infidelity broke us and that I'm the victim. Poor Sienna, what a shame, that's what they all think. They've no idea that I'm worse than him, far worse. He doesn't know what I've done, nobody does. Nobody knows that I've fucked one of his band mates, whenever I wanted to. I'm disgusting. I know it. 

You know what's even worse? I feel nothing. I feel nothing for Zayn. No feelings, no connection, but I know he does. I know he likes me and that's enough for me to take advantage of. I'll take advantage of anything he feels because that'd me. I pry on the weak and use them for whatever I can get. 

I need to let them both go, set them free, before I ruin all they have. If I keep this up I'll destroy the tiny bit of friendship they've carved. I'll destroy their band and I can't do that. 

It'll be easy to get rid of Zayn. I'll just tell him how it is and he'll go back to living happily with Perrie. Zayn doesn't care about me, not really. He's getting good sex and that's why he keeps coming back. He'll just have to go cold turkey and hope his girlfriend can start fucking him half as good as I have. 

Harry. Well, he'll be different altogether. It isn't going to be that easy to get rid of him. I'm going to have to hurt him, really hurt him. I'll have to hurt him so badly that he'll hate me and want nothing at all to do with me. I've got to do this for him, I've got to give him his life back. I'm doing this for him, not for me. I'm being unselfish for the first time in my life.

I knew it'd turn out like this though. I knew from the beginning that'd it'd all end up fucked up. I was selfish in the beginning, my interest and desire for him made me pursue him. It was inevitable that I'd hurt him and deep down I think he knew that too. I do love him and that's why I'm doing this. I'm doing the right thing for us both, so I've got to end it with him.