Lost Innocence

Chapter fifty four- Ivy

I burst into Carries house with tears running down my face.

"Carrie!" I cried out. She appeared in the doorway of the living room.

"Ivy, what's—" she started. She didn't have time to finish her sentence, as I ran across the room and flung my arms around her. Tears filled my eyes again, I knew I was staining her top with my mascara. But I didn't care and I knew that she didn't really mind either.

After about 10 minutes of crying, I finally managed to calm myself down. Carrie had made me a cup of tea and put a plate of biscuits out.

"Ok, tell me what happened then." She said.

"Sebastian came to college," I replied.

"What did he say?" Carrie asked.

I ran through what happened on the field, she didn't say anything until I had finished. "Fucking hell, Ivy."

I sighed, "Tell me about it."

"Do you still like him then? What about Alex?" Carrie asked.

"You know that I still like him, I love Sebastian so much. I was just so angry. I like Alex too, he was a hot distraction. Somebody to mess around with, exactly what I was to him. But I'll never like Alex, not the way I like Sebastian." I explained. I said it. I said exactly what I had been thinking. I wanted Sebastian back, like crazy. But I just couldn't turn around and kiss him.

"Why didn't you tell him this, when he came to school?" she asked.

Because I was scared and I was too mad. I felt overwhelmed seeing him again, I never thought he would come and see me again. Not after he saw me with Alex that night. The way I pretended like he didn't matter to me, when he did. He really did.

"I don't know. Now I have no idea what to do." I admitted.

I couldn't run to his house and tell him I loved him. Not after how I just treated him. I tried to let him go, but I couldn't. I needed him, desperately. He wouldn't just take me back either, I treated him horribly. I said things to him that he didn't deserve, things that I couldn't take back. But I loved him and that should count for something? I just didn't know if it was enough, not anymore.

"We'll figure something out Ivy, we always do." Carrie said.

I sighed in response. I leant forward reaching for a biscuit. What else is there to do apart from eat? I had nobody so I might as well get fat and eat my problems away. At the last minute I put the biscuit back down, I really didn't feel like eating.

Carrie was watching me intently. "You should have one, you haven't eaten much lately." I knew that I hadn't, I had been too sad to eat. Too preoccupied thinking I would run into Sebastian. I had seen him yesterday and today and my emotions very extremely fragile.

"I've just been too stressed to eat." I sighed.

"I know, you feel like you've been through a lot lately. But i'm concerned Ivy, I have never seen you look this thin, it's starting to scare me." She admitted.

I glanced briefly at the mirror in the corner, catching my reflection. i really did look thin, i hadn't been looking properly to realise.

I rested my hand over my stomach and sighed. What was i going to do?

I picked up the biscuit i had placed on the side of the plate previously and nibbled at it.

"It'll make you feel better." Carrie smiled.

I tried my best to meet her smile, but it fell short.

"Hey, look. We can figure all this out." She sighed.

I nodded weakly. "Yeah."

This was going to be hard, really hard and i already felt exhausted. Everything had always been so simple for me, but i guess that was before i had fell in love and before i had given away every part of me to Sebastian.