Lost Innocence

Chapter fourty four- Ivy

I had cried myself to sleep for the past two weeks, everything felt completely meaningless. I didn't think i even had any emotions anymore, but it's not like i really wanted to feel anything anyway. I was just sleeping and crying away all the pain that i felt in my chest. Some nights i could barely breathe, it was as if somebody had their hands pressed against my ribs and they were cracking them into tiny pieces. 

I had avoided almost everyone. I kept my phone off for days at a time and i only turned it on to delete the endless texts and answer phone messages from Sebastian. Carrie had come by and tried her best to talk to me or offer me some sort of support, but i had simply shaken my head at her and climbed back into the mount of blankets on my bed. So she had joined me and held me as i cried some more. 

School was my main distraction and i was trying hard to keep myself as busy as possible. Doing all my homework immediately and going straight to bed when i had finished. My mum was extremely concerned because she was terrified that i would react how i had done in the past, with Jason. I assured her that i wouldn't. She still kept a close eye on me none the less. I did appreciate Carrie and my mum being around to look after me, but what i wanted more than anything, was to be left alone, because it's what i deserved. 

I know that Sebastian was the one who was kissing Lacey, but somehow it still felt like it was my fault, and maybe it was. But ever since the relationship ended i just kept going over every single detail in my head thinking about how i could've gone wrong or how i managed to misunderstand. And how in the past months i could have thought for the briefest of moments that i could depend on someone to make me feel whole again, when i knew that you should never depend your own happiness on someone else, because it doesn't last. 

In two weeks, i had learned what it felt like to feel as small and insignificant as humanly possible. I ached in places that i'd never felt longing and pain before. I didn't know what to do with myself, because every time i moved it was like thousands of shards of glass was slicing through my skin. 

The worst part of it all was that sometimes i convinced myself that i was getting better, that i would be okay the following day. But god i knew, that i wouldn't be. I wanted to see him so badly, but if i did, it would only be another memory to replay over and over again. 

On the nights that i didn't spend wrapped up in my bed, i went out. I went to numerous house parties getting ridiculously drunk, just hoping that i could erase something, and it worked for a little while. But come the morning i would have a hangover and i'd still feel like shit, because the problem was that no matter how much i tried, i couldn't run away from the undying fact, that i was still one hundred percent incandescently in love with Sebastian Tate. I still loved him with all the little pieces of my heart.

I wanted to tell him that i still loved him, but i couldn't make myself forgive him for what he had done. Besides, the words were stuck in my throat and i was choking on them during my sleep, making it harder to breathe again. 

My mother had always told me that one day i would be a terrible young fool in love and i never thought that she would have been right. But i guess that makes me a bigger fool than anything, thinking that i would be different. I was a fool, who fell for somebody and now all i want is to rip my crumbling heart out of my chest and put myself back together.  

A silent knocking on my door, stirred me from my heap of blankets. My mum warily walked to the bed and handed me the phone. I automatically cringed away from it, hoping it wasn't Sebastian again. 

"It's Aubrey, she wants to talk." Mum smiled, and thrust the phone into my hands before turning away and closing the door. 

I let out a sigh and put the phone to my ear. "Hello?" I croaked. 

"You sound like hell, but i'm having a party tonight and you're coming. It's going to be huge and i know that you're in a funk and everything sucks for you right now, but you can't just stop living your life. You don't get a break, but you do get distractions. So get that hot ass of yours in a dress and get yourself to mine." She explained. 

I smiled at her choice of words and mentally balanced out my arguments for attending tonight. I decided that vodka sounded good, considering the fact that i had been thinking about Sebastian all day. 

"Fine, i'll be there soon." I replied. 

Aubrey screamed down the phone and hung up. I fell back onto my bed, not wanting to go out. I guess i needed a shower though because i was starting to repulse myself, as well as my poor mother. Even Dylan was refusing to enter my room, if i had shown no sign of movement for a few days.

Well, if i was going to go out tonight, then i was going to have as many distractions as possible. Meaning plenty of alcohol, cute guys to make out with, fun with my friends and possibly even cigarettes. I would pretend to everyone that i was okay and i would drink enough that even i myself might believe it.