Lost Innocence

Chapter fifty one- Sebastian

Ivy had kissed me and then told me to 'let her go'. What the fuck was i supposed to do now? 

Absolutely nothing, that was what. 

That was it for us, there was nothing more to be done or said. We were finished, complete, in every way possible. It didn't matter that i spent the whole ride back struggling to breathe. It didn't matter that i could still feel Ivy's lips on mine. It didn't matter that i had replayed our conversation so many times in my head that if i experienced memory loss, i would somehow manage to remember this night. Nothing mattered, because the only thing that made a difference in my life, had just told me to walk away and i did. 

That was the worst part of it, i had simply walked away. 

I didn't grab her and kiss her back with everything in me. I didn't shout at her and tell her that she was being stupid. I just walked away and i had never felt like less of a man. You were supposed to fight for somebody that you cared about, but i didn't. 

So here i was, lying on my bed wide awake at four in the morning. 

There was a soft knock on my door and previously my heart would have jumped at the thought that it could be Ivy; i knew it wouldn't be. 

My mum peaked her head round the corner, clearly seeing that my side lamp was on. She made her way slowly over to the bed, and she was carrying a couple of beers. Her small frame of a body lay down next to mine and she handed me a drink. 

"I thought you could need a drink, you looked upset." She smiled. 

I gave her a weak smile back and opened the can. "Me and Ivy, we erm--" I tried to explain, although my breath got caught in my throat and i couldn't finish. 

"You don't have to explain, i kind of worked it out when she stopped coming by. What happened?" She asked cautiously, because that's the kind of lady my mum was. She always seemed to know when to ask questions and when to just listen. I had never appreciated this trait of hers more. 

I sighed. "How did you and dad get it right, mum?" 

This time she sighed and took a hold of my hand. "It's not about the fact that we got it right. I was just born in a generation where if something got broken, you fixed it. I always tried my best to raise you in the same way." She looked over at me and smiled. "But its hard and you have to work at relationships everyday, you can't ever give up. There are going to be a lot of things in your life Sebastian that you think matter now, but won't when you grow up, and how you get things right is by taking a chance on the things you will believe that no matter what, will always matter." 

I listened as she explained and nodded when she had finished. "Ivy will always matter to me. I just can't find a way to show her." I said. 

She rubbed my hand in reassurance. "You will, because i didn't raise you to be a coward." She smiled. "You want to know what Ivy said to me once?"

I looked up at her, nodding. 

"I asked her how she felt about you and she told me that she could love somebody like you forever. You mattered to her, more than you will ever know." She explained. 

I wish my mum was right, like she always was. I think when Ivy had said that she could love somebody like me forever, she didn't mean me. She just meant somebody similar and for all i knew that could be Alex. 

"Mum, i know you are trying to make me feel better, but-- I saw Ivy with some other guy tonight." I admitted and my heart twisted slightly in pain. 

"Everybody needs space, we all just do it in a different way." My mum smiled and leaned over placing a kiss in my temple. She graciously got up and exited the room, leaving me with more thoughts and questions than i had before. 

I downed my beer, then buried my head under my pillow, half shouting into it. I wasn't going to do anything else, i was done for now. 

Ivy didn't want me and i was exhausted for fighting for a lost cause. Our moment was over, the sooner i accepted that the better.