Lost Innocence

Chapter fifty three- Ivy

I was stood on the field of my college, chatting with some of my friends. I had seen Sebastian yesterday and the conversation kept running through my mind, just like it did every time i saw him. I kept telling him to let me go, when i knew that i didn't want him too, because parts of me would never let go of him.

"Ivy, isn't that your ex-boyfriend?", Aubrey remarked.

I looked up to see Sebastian walking across the field in my direction. My heart began to race. What was he doing here?

"Erm, yeah," I whispered back. I could barely get the words out.

Sebastian was now less than five metres away from me, I tried to steady my breathing.

"I need to talk to you, right now", Sebastian said as soon as he reached me.

Another apology no doubt, "I think we've done enough talking", I sighed.

"It's about, Alex, you should know something". His eyes slightly flickered with anger as he said Alex's name. Alex? Why did he want to talk about Alex?

I walked away from my friends earshot's, I knew that Sebastian had followed behind me.

I spun sharply around, "What?", I asked harshly.

"Alex is only using you for sex, he doesn't even love you. I overheard some of his friends the other day talking about you, saying that he thought you were just some play toy, I just thought you should know, that's all", Sebastian explained.

"What, you mean so that I wouldn't get hurt, maybe somebody should've warned me about you", I spat back, my fists tightened slightly. I knew that my words had surprised him. I thought that he was going to shout back, but he didn't. Sebastian barely ever shouted at me.

"I just thought you should know. That was all, im sorry", his eyes were dark and sad. I swallowed as my throat tightened with pain. I knew that I shouldn't of said that, I didn't want to hurt him.

I let out a sigh, "I knew already". I admitted.

"What?". His face was full of shock. "Why are you with him if you knew that?".

"I'm sorry I didn't think that I had to ask your permission".

"Ivy—", he began.

"No Sebastian, if I want to do things, I can do them, whether it's a good idea or not. It's none of your business!", I shouted. I knew that people were looking over at us. But I really couldn't care less. He shouldn't be sticking his nose in my relationship with Alex anyway.

I started to walk away. I could feel tears coming, and I didn't want him to see.

Sebastian ran up behind me and grabbed my arm. I tried to turn my head away from him, but he saw, and his face changed. He felt sorry for me. That only made me feel worse.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have said anything. You're right. It's none of my business."

I spun away from him. I hated it when people pitied me. I began to walk off again, back to my friends. I just needed to get away from him. Before I said something that I really would regret.

He called out, "I still love you".

I froze. He said it. I had heard him say it before, I knew he loved me before. But I didn't think he still did. Slowly, I turned around to look at him. "Don't say that." The words were hanging in the air.

He took a step closer. "I don't know if I'll ever get you out of my system, not completely. I have... this feeling. That you'll always be there. Here." Sebastian clawed at his heart and then dropped his hand.

"You're only saying all this, because of what Alex said about me". I hated the way my voice sounded. Shaky and small. Weak. "That's why you are saying this all of a sudden, you cant just do this."

"It's not all of sudden," he said, his eyes locked on mine. "It's always".

I could feel my heart beating against my rib cage. "It doesn't matter. It's too late." I turned back away from him, picked my bag up and walked away from him and my friends.

"Wait," he said. He grabbed my arm again.

"Let go of me," I hissed. My voice was so cold, I wouldn't have recognised it. I saw that it surprised Sebastian as well. 

He flinched, and his hand dropped. "Hear me out, just for a minute. Please. I'm begging you, Ivy." He sounded strangled and hoarse. Months ago I would have reached out to him and comforted him. I forced my hands to stay at my sides. Don't. I told myself. Just don't.

I let out a breath. In my head I started to count backward. Sixty seconds was all he would get from me. I would let him talk for sixty seconds, and then I would go and not look back. Two months ago, this was all I wanted to hear from him. But it was too late now, I tried to convince myself.

Quietly, he said, "I fucked up, but not in the way that you think. That night- do you remember that night? The night I saw you with Alex for the first time, you were in the park with him. Do you remember?"

I remembered that night. Of course did. I remember feeling like I was going to faint when I saw Sebastian, my heart felt so raw, I could barely breath. I had spent every minute of every day thinking about him, missing him. That was the night that i had kissed him for the last time.

"That night, I didn't sleep at all. I stayed up thinking about what to do. What was the right thing to do? Because I loved you. But I knew that I shouldn't. I didn't have the right to love anybody, especially not you. Not after what I did. I was so angry with myself. I felt like I was going to erupt at any minute."

He drew his breath in. "I couldn't love you the way that you deserved after that. I guess I was being selfish. But I thought that maybe Alex did, that's why I thought you were with him. I knew that if I kept you with me, I would hurt you again somehow. I knew it, because I had hurt you. I couldn't have it. So I didn't fight for you, when I should've done. I should've spent every day fighting to get you back."

I'd stopped counting by then. I just concentrated on breathing. In and out.

"But these past few weeks... God, just seeing you again, even talking to you when you're shouting at me. You looking at me the way you used to."

I closed my eyes. It didn't matter what he said. I told myself again. It didn't matter. It was too late.

"I see you again, and everything that I'd planned goes to shit. It's impossible... I want you to be happy and I want you to be loved. So when I found out what Alex thought about you. I couldn't help myself. I hurt you I know that, I regret that every day of my life. But I couldn't let you get hurt again. When I see you two together. I hate him," His voice broke. "Don't be with him. Be with me."

My eyes filled with tears. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't too late, I knew that. I wished that it was because every single part of me craved to be with him again. My body ached from his absence. A tear escaped from my eye and ran down my cheek.

Sebastian raised his hand and wiped my tear with his thumb. "Ivy-." His thumb felt warm against my face. Comforting. Just like it did, the first time that he kissed me.

"I cant do this Sebastian, I just cant do this", I whispered. My eyes met his. I knew he was hurt. I knew that it was ripping him apart, while he talked. It was ripping me apart too. All my wounds were opened. I should be happy. I didn't know what I felt. I just had to get away. I moved Sebastian's hand from my cheek and took a step back.

"I'm sorry Sebastian, I cant- I need to go." I could barely hear my own voice.

I turned around and started to walk quickly. I heard him calling my name. My legs moved quicker, until I was running. I reached the school gate and kept running, until I reached Carrie's.