Existing in Radiance

Chapter Thirty-Seven | Hester House, November 1996

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Hester House, November 1996

 

            Andrew had just disappeared into the late afternoon light when Hazel felt an old sadness creep up on her, one that had dominated so many years of her life. It settled on her shoulders, weighing her down as she curled up in the window seat.

Her son was hiding something from her, Hazel knew it. It wasn’t that worrying however, because it made him radiant; Andrew was happier than he had ever been.

“He’s going to leave you.” Whispered the voice Hazel knew all too well. It had become darker over the years, more sinister; the Severus in her head had slowly become the man he really was, not the cradled dream version she had held onto for so long.

Not looking at him, Hazel watched the snow start to steadily fall outside her window. “I fear I will leave the twins before they get the chance to leave me.”

Severus looked nothing like the man she had seen at Spinner’s end a few months ago, but the same as that morning long past when he’d tried to leave her in bed without saying goodbye. He had never been one to care about appearances, but his hair was washed and silky soft, falling to his shoulders in dark waves that clashed with her sunny curls. His black slacks and unbuttoned white shirt gave him an elegant air, similar to the one Sirius Black had flaunted for most of his life before Azkaban sucked all the sophistication out of him.

“And what do you mean by that Hazel-Haze?”

Glancing at him, she was barely startled by the vision he upheld; of one of their best and worst days together. “I will not live for many more years Severus. We both know it.”

“I only know because I am a figment of your demented mind, not because it makes sense.” He tilted his head slightly, as if pondering something “You still have the scars.” He observed “The ones Lestrange gave you, as a teenager.”

Hazel traced the jagged scars, fighting the memories they trapped beneath her skin. It haunted her that Sonia now bore the same battle wounds.

“Ah…our daughter was tortured too, I forgot.”

“Do not speak of it,” she snapped “It was only one cut; it should fade over the years.”

“But what is she to do now?” Severus taunted “Walk around with wounds deep and identical to yours? She wont be able to stand being alike in any way.”

Glaring at the mirage across the room, Hazel pulled her sleeves down over the hideous markings that disfigured her skin “You may leave now. If you are truly my own creation, then I should be able to control when you come and go.”

Severus chuckled “Mad people have no control over their psychosis Hazel dear,” his dark eyes glittered menacingly “You’re truly drowning in the deep end now.”

With a scream, Hazel used the rage building within to grab her tea tray and hurl it across the room, straight through Severus’ head. He vanished just as the glass shattered against the wall, pieces of fine china trembling on the floor from the impact. Falling to her knees, she tried to pick up the fragments, but only managed to cut her palm.

“Mamma?” the door flew open to reveal Sonia, barefoot and wearing an old shirt as a night dress. “Mamma, what happened?”

“I am not mad.” Hazel sobbed, trying to gather the sharp pieces. “I’m not.”

Kneeling by her mother, Sonia took the broken teacup from her hands and put them aside. “What happened?”

Hazel didn’t reply straight away, her gaze caught on the scar running up Sonia’s bare forearm. “Oh honey…” she sniffed, taking Sonia’s arm in her hands and gently caressing the tissue even paler than her porcelain skin. “I am so sorry I let this happen, I never wanted you to have such a thing, not like mine.”

Unable to speak as Hazel studied her scar, Sonia tried to get a closer look at her mothers own past wounds, still evident on her arms, throat and chest. The dark mark on her left forearm had faded over the years, almost sinking into her person. Delicate white lines seemed to weave around it, marring the surface of skin still smooth even at Hazel’s thirty-seven years.

“Who did this to you Mamma?”

Sighing, Hazel covered Sonia’s single scar with her tiny hand “The same person who did this to you. I swore when I ran away that this would never happen and that you would never feel this pain – go through what I had to. It’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, Mamma.”

“Oh, I know.” She sighed again, heavier this time “I didn’t want you to understand that though. I only ever wanted to protect you, Sunny.”

For the first time, Sonia thought she understood her mother a little better.

“Let’s go to sleep.” She whispered, tugging her up and over to the bed. Crawling under the covers beside her, Sonia pretended she was a little girl again, that Hazel could truly protect her from whatever was scaring her.

“Who were you screaming at anyway?”

“Oh, no one important.” Hazel said, stroking her darks curls lovingly. “Sometimes I fight with your father in my head. He can be very stubborn.”

Sonia changed her mind then – she didn’t understand her mother. Maybe Hazel was a little bit mad. On the other hand, maybe Sonia was too.

A/N: I've been planning a scene like this for a while, especially since I knew I wanted to have Sonia tortured by Bellatrix. I hope you liked it and see the signifigance this holds in their mother/daughter relationship.

Question: Do you think Hazel is nutty? Or is there something else behind her seeing Severus this way? Is Sonia crazy too? Who knows, maybe I'm crazy.

(And Hazel knows Andrew is hiding something, whew!)

We're getting deep now my friends. Stay tuned!

Rose<3

P.S I've been on my break but horribly sick, so my apolagies for not uploading. Also, I'm trying to get back into Underground Angels...sorry.