Existing in Radiance

Chapter Twenty-six | Grimmauld Place, April 1996

Chapter Twenty-Six

Grimmauld Place, April 1996

 

            Spring had come swiftly, and with it fresh air blew through Grimmauld Place. Sirius had been moping about, and Sonia came by to cheer him up; she insisted they sit outside in the small backyard.

“Molly sent this over,” she said, putting a picnic basket down on the old garden table “She said that you haven’t been eating enough.”

“I don’t know how she can tell, since she hasn’t been here in two weeks.” Sirius grumbled, slumping into his chair and nibbling a warm lunch biscuit. “Same goes for your mother – tell her I am offended by her lack of presence in my prison.”

“Don’t call it your prison,” scolded Sonia, sitting beside him and putting her feet in his lap “You have running water, clean sheets and people coming in all the time. A bed, Mamma – you have books to read and people to entertain.”

“A war to fight, a woman to love, a goddaughter to adore.” He finished, raising his butterbeer in a toast.

Grinning impishly, Sonia sipper her own drink “That’s not fair, you should adore me before you love any woman.”

Sirius tilted his head back, letting the sun warm his face “All is fair in love and war.”

“Lets agree to disagree,” Sonia scoffed “And where have you met this woman anyway? You’ve been here for ages.”

Watching colours shift from behind his eyelids, Sirius sighed “I met her long ago, at a country fair. She kneed me in the groin and rejected me time after time, loved another and was crushed by someone else. For years I thought I loved her, for even more I hated her – there were years when I thought she loved Remus.” He snorted “And then there were the moments of clarity, were I realized she only really loved the same man all along, and I could never make her see me in the same light.”

“Mamma?” said Sonia in disbelief, remembering the story of how Hazel and Sirius met. “You love -”

“Loved.” He corrected “Not to say I don’t love her now, but in a different way. Though if fifty years from now your mother came to my door, asked me to spend the rest of our rocking chair days together – well, I would say yes in a heartbeat.”

“It seems like such a waste of time.”

“What, love?” Sirius had to try to hide his grin. Sonia was so young, he often forgot; it was amusing to remember.

“Yes!” she said haughtily “I’d much rather go have adventures all on my own, though at this rate I’ll never escape Mamma in time to have any before I die.”

“You should slow down,” advised Sirius, opening his eyes briefly to catch a glimpse of his goddaughter’s furious face. “It’ll all be over before you know it, and you’ll end up like…well, you’ll end up like me.”

“You had a couple good years though!” she argued “Adventures and fighting a war, you didn’t need love!”

Sirius smiled sadly “But I did.” He sighed, as if all of a sudden all the years he had spent waiting to have this conversation had finally caught up to him “I was worried you might end up like this.”

Frowning, Sonia put her drink aside “Like what?”

“Against love,” he said simply “Do you really have no desire to settle down, have a family? A nice, safe life with a nice, safe person.”

Sonia laughed “Me? Oh, no. I haven’t found anyone I’d even consider doing that with, and besides I’d much rather go on adventures.”

“Just…look, okay?” Sirius was worried that the depth and point of his argument wasn’t coming across “Adventure isn’t everything, Sunny; I should know. My life barely amounted to anything – all I have is you, Hazel and Harry.”

“Love just seems so…silly.” Sonia said doubtfully “You give someone everything, leave yourself vulnerable for them to destroy – and they could so easily. Being in love isn’t safe.”

“Maybe,” he said “But it is also wonderful.”

“I don’t want to bother with having to deal with one person for the rest of my life, to live with that sort of risk.” Sonia sounded to bitter for someone so young, Sirius thought. “It means nothing in the end.”

Sirius adopted a sad look, his voice growing softer with each word. “Love means being there for someone even if they think they don't need you.”

Swinging her feet out of Sirius’ lap, Sonia avoided his gaze and stood up “Then I don’t want that kind of responsibility.” With those words, she disappeared into the house.

Sighing, Sirius tilted his chair onto its back legs. Sonia was too thick skinned, unwilling to let even the smallest of real emotion come through; he hoped she didn’t end up alone like he had. He may have deserved this fate, but his goddaughter surely didn’t. 

A/n: Another upload!

Question: Do you think Sonia will end up like Sirius?

Rose<3