Life After Rehab ✓

[Chapter Fifty-Two] Where Songs Are Written

Chapter Fifty-Two – Where Songs Are Written
Julian's Pov

I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out big time with the whole house thing. I could never figure out what the right move was with her. We were either moving way too fast or not at all and I didn't want to pressure her. I knew that it was my fuck up that caused it, but I didn't want to die. I didn't think it would, but therapy was really helping and I starting getting close with another guy in my group.

Bailey didn't say anything about the house for two weeks and she didn't show me anymore apartments either, she was taking her sweet time and keeping me on my toes at the same time. What was the most frustrating part was that other than the house or apartment search, nothing changed.

I slept beside her, we made out sometimes and we spent time with Mia. She made dinner and took care of Mia like she had been doing for months and was writing a lot of song lyrics.

It was frustrating because everything should have changed, but it didn't. She was playing this off very well and I was the one on edge, she did nothing to make me uncomfortable or awkward from what I asked of her though.

I was asking a whole lot from her and us too.

This wasn't a casual oh well it's a better investment to find a cute house together; this was me telling her this was a future: house, marriage and kids.

Sometimes I felt like she was ready for that and other days I could tell it freaked her out. I never knew where I was standing with her and I needed to talk to her but I was too afraid to. What if I did and pushed her and she said no, but what if she was just waiting for me to ask so we could talk about it and she said yes.

I didn't like that this felt like a game and I was the one making it that way by being a coward.

I had passed my second mental evaluation and Kate wasn't putting me in a mental health facility, that should count for something, shouldn't it? She could see that in only a month, I was improving. I even went back to my apartment to pack.

I had an anxiety attack the first time and that was when Robert and Bailey told me about her. Her PTSD from finding Lacey and me, her anxiety that he was currently trying to treat and the really bad anxiety attach she had, because of me.

And then I felt like I had no right to ask her to move in with me once I knew I put her through that. How can she let me hold her at night and give me everything that she can at this point in her life with no hesitation and no reservations after I did that?

Because she was too good for me and I didn't deserve how much she loved me.

I was still all over the place and maybe that right there was the problem. Hell I didn't know but I was driving myself insane waiting to hear the answer from her.

The good news was that this was great for my lyrical creativity. Bailey and I even sat down and I opened up to her a little bit about my suicide attempt. Robert and Kate both told me that I needed to start opening up to her, the best way I could think to do that was showing her a song.

"I want you to understand but I don't know how to say it." I grabbed her hand and brought her into the studio with me. I grabbed my guitar and handed her music only for the piano. I was so far flawed that sometimes I wondered if I had any good qualities.

This was a mix of what I wrote before and after I tried to kill myself. It was the first time I've put anything about what I did into music. I wanted to change and she understood that. What Bailey and I shared was beyond just a relationship, it went deeper and this song was my way of telling her she was my reason to find something inside of myself, a reason to be the person I wanted to be and that deep down I knew I was.