Profile my Heart (Currently Re-writing)

Part 3

**This part has been re-written**

Spencer Reid's POV

After another one of these sleepless nights thinking about what I did wrong, or what I missed, I pour myself a cup of coffee. I re-read The Lord of the Ring's Trilogy ten times since we broke up. I can't do it anymore. I take a sip of my coffee and burn my tongue. I decide to let it rest a little bit, so it has the time to cool down. I walk to the bathroom of this hotel room I've rent since Jennifer doesn't want me to put back my feet in her apartment. It's the best I could find until I have the impression that my life is getting back together. Once in the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror; it's the first time I really take the time to look at myself. My hair is tangled and messy and I have a 5-week-old beard. I've never seen myself looking that miserable and pathetic. I decide that it would be time to, at least, shave my beard. I go back in my bedroom and I look in my bag in which I have put the most things I could, and I pick out my razor with a bottle of shaving cream. I walk back to the bathroom and water my face. I put some shaving cream on my face and I gently start to shave. Ten minutes after, I'm already done, and I splash myself one last time in the face to rinse it but also to fully wake myself up. I get to the coffee table in front of a couch on which I sat, and I take my cup which was resting on the table. I take another sip, sure that it will be colder. It obviously is and my coffee is not drinkable anymore, but I don't care, I'll drink it anyway, if it's not now, it'll be later. I turn my head to my bag and notice what looks like a book. I mean, it could be one, but it looks a little bit different. I get up and walk to my bag to take a look to what looks like a book. Once I clearly see it, I realize it's a photo album. I gently pick it up as carefully as if it was a newborn. I walk back to the couch and I let myself fall on it. I slowly pass the tip on my fingers on the cover. I open the album and I start looking at the pictures of JJ and I. These are the last memories that are left from JJ and me.

Emily called a few days ago; she told me that JJ was feeling pretty bad. I felt so powerless. I wanted to do something, but I knew that if I would have come to her house, she would have felt worse.

I continue to look through the photo album. In addition to have lost the love of my life, I've lost my best friend...

A small argument... On a subject that I prefer to forget...

I close my eyes and I let myself fall into those memories...

I remember...

We are outside, on the grass, eating sandwiches and laughing... I cannot forget the happiness into JJ's eyes.

"Oh, Spence! That was a silly idea! But I love it," she smiles and kisses me.

That was our picnic behind the BAU. We were supposed to go to the park, but at the last minutes, we were called for a case. Jennifer was disappointed, so that's why I had the idea to do it outside of the BAU before we leave.

I remember...

Every time I would come back with Cheetos, she would smile widely at me and then jumped to my neck to hug me. It was obviously a crazy love between her and Cheetos.

I remember...

Every Friday, if we had no case, we would watch a movie together. We would snuggle up together on the couch and half of the time, Jennifer would fall asleep.

I remember...

Almost every weekend I would bring breakfast the JJ in bed. We would steal each other's kisses and we would give each other warm hugs.

I remember...

Every kind of dinner we had: candlelight dinners, dinners in restaurants, tête-à-tête dinners, dinners in the cafeterias of the police departments or even the BAU during cases, quick dinners in the jet on our way to a crime scene or on our way back home, but also the missed ones which forced us to order pizza!

I remember...

Every small incident... Like the time I forgot to close the water from the washing machine and the basement was all flooded. This time, Jennifer didn't find it funny...

I remember...

The night we were supposed to spend outside, like a date. She was well makeup and well-coiffed. She had spent hours to get ready because she wanted to be perfect, and she was as always. She was wearing a beautiful black dress. I had proposed to go the fountain but halfway, it started to rain very hard. I hadn't brought an umbrella, neither did Jennifer. So, she caught a cold. I had to take care of her for fifteen days, but I'm not complaining!

I remember...

Every accomplice glance, every time we finished each other's sentence, every time we were in sync. I miss it... But waking up next to the most beautiful woman is the part that I miss the most...

We dreamed of our future family. We had talked a lot about building our family and sometimes we would argue; baby Reid? Baby Jareau? Baby Reid-Jareau?

Nevertheless, everything swung when JJ had a miscarriage... She hadn't told the team about her pregnancy and I don't even think she ever did.

On September 17th, she told me she was pregnant; we would finally become parents. She wanted to wait a bit before telling the team and I was in complete agreement with her. We were super happy. We couldn't ask for better. The first two months went well. Until JJ collapsed in the middle of a case... She was rushed to the emergency room where doctors told me they were sorry, but they couldn't save the fetus' life. The team never knew the real reason behind her queasiness, and we made the promise to never talk about it anymore.

Her miscarriage triggered something. We had become more and more distant. In the evening, she would lock herself in our bedroom and I could hear her cry. I wanted to enter and hold her tight to me while whispering that everything would be okay and it will get better, but I knew it was not the right time. Our relationship was hanging by a thread and everything fell at the last moment...

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

This noise takes me out of my thoughts. I rub my eyes and pass my hand through my hair. I slowly get up. My head starts to hurt, and I almost lose balance. I put the photo album on the coffee table, and I head to the door. I slowly open it.

There's a hooded person behind it. They push me inside. I try to hold to something or to take something to defend myself, but I don't have enough energy. They put their gloved hand over my mouth and silently close the door.

"If you scream, I kill you."